That's Not Legal

I would like to say, for the record, that were I in a situation like on Mad Men when Bobbie Barrett was asking Don Draper what he liked, I would not hesitate to answer. These are things that I like that are right on the very tippy toppermost of my tongue:

Pandas!
Reality television!
Also some more pandas!
Science Fiction!
Futurism / Singularity thinkings and thoughts!
Survival from Zombies (both literal and metaphorical)
Snorking!

Rich's top model recaps!
Still yet more pandas!
The Hold Steady!
Ghostbusters!

And that's just on the very outermost membrane. I could go on. But I shan't. Because, in light of all the delightful news about Ghostbusters 3, and also after a discussion with a friend about Ghostbusters 2 --

ahem -- (yes, it's flawed! but, yes: it's a movie about ghostbusters (ghostbusters!) with an evil Carpathian villain and Peter MacNicol and its message is that you have to be positive and nice because that is the only way to destroy a giant seething mass of pure evil slime that has taken over your city and filled it with bad energy and there are crazy ghosts running amok and ladies are being attacked by their very own fur coats and the ghost Titanic shows up ("better late than never!"), and sometimes goll darn it, you might need the Statue of Liberty to rally the people into being nice and positive because, clearly, ISN'T THAT WHAT NATIONAL MONUMENTS ARE ALL ABOUT???

{in 2008, i feel like the Statue of Liberty would not be able to get a mob of New Yorkers to generate positive vibes. They would have to shower the city with Insta-Health-Coverage and Affordable Real Estate vouchers and then people would be thrilled}.

But perhaps, in 1989 national monuments still made people happy. And it gives one hope to think that even if evil slime is making crazy electrocuted-prisoner ghosts turn your courtrooms upside down, you can counter evil slime with good vibes and turn it into good, happy slime, and then if you were to think happy thoughts and also perhaps play Howard Huntsberry's cover version of the Jackie Wilson song "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher" for the slime because it seems to particularly like that song, and then you could perhaps harvest and harness the power of the happy slime vibrations, and then you could apply that potential energy to the Statue of Liberty and turn it into kinetic energy, why then -- then you could make the Statue of Liberty walk to the Art Museum, and then people would see it and be cheered! And then their good will and joy could break the evil slime's hold on the city and all would be right with the world and Dan Ackroyd would be acting like he was on Ecstasy. Whatta message, am I right? Even when evil slime is oozing all over your city and making holographic ghosts chase its inhabitants around the city, things will get better by thinking good thoughts and doing good things. I am an avowed hippie, and I say to you: think good thoughts and do good things and things will get better. ) --

unahem. -- So. Therefore. I find myself thinking often about Ghostbusters. GHOSTBUSTERS!

Anyway. So Ghostbusters 2 is no Ghostbusters 1, but it's still awesome. Because ... it's the Ghostbusters. So, please, rap along:

(Christopher Reeve at 1:16!)

Dirty looks! Dirty looks!

An anecdote:

In 3rd grade, a friend and I were totally obsessed with Alice Cooper's song “School’s Out” and we brought the song in and played the cassette for our class around the last day of school, after which I exclaimed “Dirty looks! Dirty looks!”

And, like, totally kept on doing that for months and months whenever I was excited about something. “The ice cream man! Dirty looks! Dirty looks!”

Because I have a long and sundried history of mis-interpreting lyrics, I somehow determined that the refrain from the song went “No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers! Dirty looks!”

As if “Dirty Looks!” was something that you would say when you were stoked about something, eg “School’s out for summer! Right on! Dirty looks!”

I mean, I did that for MONTHS. It wasn’t like I was trying to make “Dirty Looks” happen, I sort of assumed it was something that the cool kids (because who was cooler than Alice Cooper?) said.

“Oh boy, a new episode of Alf is on tonight? DIRTY LOOKS! DIRTY LOOKS! DIRTY LOOKS!”

So, on that note: I'm going to LA on Monday. Who wants to hang out? Dirty looks! Dirty looks! Dirty looks!

McCain/Palin = Tighe/Fey?

I am surely not the first to point this out, but my friend Matt and I have decided:

Ahem:

Is this not McCain?


And is this not Palin?


Locke's Dad + Liz Lemon = McCain/Palin.

Do you want a president who would steal your kidney? No. No, no you don't. That's why you're voting Obama/Biden on November 4th. Just checking.

This is How I Feel Most of the Time Right Now

When I'm not hugging my panda, this is how I feel all the time:

I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying

The Greatest Love of All

From Noahsam ... .. who says "The most powerful love all ... it's a forbidden love."

Why doesn't that panda love meeeeeeeeeee?

Big Idea / Bad Idea

Back in March, right after I was out for the count with horrific stummy problems, I did a segment on Donny Deutsch's show "The Big Idea" on CNBC. And now, due to the fact that I am highly anxious and not sleeping so much and therefore have late-night/early-morning bandwidth for being technomological, I have put it on the internets for your viewing pleasure. It's me and the lovely Bernadette Pauley duking it out about a variety of topics that were, uh, topical on March 13th.

Quelle Dommage: The Worst Morning Ever Story

So I woke up this morning with a hankering for an iced hazelnut coffee. Luckily for me, I had hazelnut coffee in my freezer so I decided I would brew a big ol' full pot of coffee, which I would then transfer into a handy-dandy glass pitcher and keep it in my fridge to enjoy iced coffee throughout the week. I am not fancy about my coffee, nor am I snobbish about its freshness, to be sure. I just want caffeine, preferably with fake sugar and fiber-enriched soy milk. Now, I hadn't made coffee in my coffeemaker for many, many months. Ever since my stummy became sick, I sort of don't drink so much coffee, and when I do, it's usually iced and purchased en route to work or during work or some such. When I caffienate in the morning, my drug of choice is Yerba Mate because it doesn't really frak with my stummy and it also provides a pleasant pick-me-up.

But! This morning was not like all other mornings. I poured the water tank full of water from my Pur (I'm a Pur girl, not a Brita girl) pitcher and scooped the coffee into the coffee filter and hit the "on" button and then went on my merry way to take a shower and shave my legs and exfoliate and do all the things that ladies do in the shower while listening to 101.1 CBS FM in the mornings. While I was showering, I heard a tremendous noise, but there are almost always loud noises in the morning in and around my building, since I live above a subway and on a very busy thoroughfare and there are people who live near me who apparently torture their children during the day (judging by the sounds of it) and they are also re-paving the streets so there's lots of heavy machinery making lots of rumblings all the time.

So I wrapped myself in a towel and padded through the living room to get some coffee before I got dressed and ... ruh-roh. The kitchen looked like a scene from Apocalypse Now, if Apocalypse Now took place in a white kitchen in which an entire pot full of hazelnut coffee had apparently exploded. It was a hazelnut disaster. The walls were spattered, and there were 12 cups of coffee dripping down the fridge and the pantry, all over my (white) kitchen table and my (white) kitchen counters and my (white) appliances. And there was broken glass everywhere (people pissing on the stairs, you know they just don't care) (not really, I was just making a Grandmaster Flash reference for you) so I put on my flipflops and grabbed a roll of paper towels and three different spray cleaners and I cleaned the kitchen and coated myself in a fine sheen of hazelnut coffee and dyed my towel hazelnut coffee colored. So I took another shower.

I can only imagine there was some sort of crack or something in the coffeepot, and since I haven't made coffee in months and months and months, I didn't notice. Note to self: always check for cracks and/or explosives in one's coffeepot before brewing 12 cups of hazelnut coffee!

And then I got dressed and put my hair into pigtails and put on some heels and realized I should really take out the trash, because my trash can was, by now, filled with an entire roll of hazelnut-coffee-soaked paper towels. So I grabbed my gym bag and my purse and pulled the trash bag out of the trash can and set off down the stairs. And halfway down, I slipped and fell down a full flight of stairs and landed on my butt. And somehow when I slipped and fell I managed to toss the trash bag up into the air, and I watched it tumble down, in slow motion, spilling its contents all over the stairs and all over me.

So I went back to my apartment, got another roll of paper towels (I buy them in bulk) and cleaned up the trash from the stairs, getting rotting vegetable matter all over me in the process. So then I had to go upstairs and take another shower. And put on fresh clothes. And put my hair back into pigtails.

It was really tremendously amazing.

And now my butt is bruised and hurts like a motherfrakker.

Awesome.

No Milk Today

So I was happily fumbling through dreamland, all cozied up in my bedding, as snug as a bug in a rug. I sleep all curled up into a nautilus/fetal sort of position, with my panda under my arm (I know. Seriously, I know. But he's such a tragic panda! ) And I was having this really vivid dream about being in a sort of industrial kitchen and preparing such tasty victuals as the most awesome grilled soy-cheese sandwich in the world, along with a delicious and refreshing Soy Russian (like a white Russian, but with soy, like duh) and in my dream it was very hot in the industrial kitchen and I was just drenched in sweat and commented about it in the dream and then suddenly lurched into awakeness and realized that I was actually drenched in sweat because I'd managed to burrow into a little nest under my quilt and my den of pillows, and it was sort of weird. But the weirdest part was that I woke up singing Cyndi Lauper's song "Lactose Intolerant" which she sang on Letterman in 1995, just around the time the first Starbucks opened in a neighboring town and I had my first frappacino and paid the consequences dearly. And then I went to get some water (must rehydrate) and looked it up on youtube and it's there. So, it must be a sign from the Universe to share it with you:


Lyrics:
I lack the enzymes to
Properly digest lactose
I can't drink cow's milk
I can't drink milk from a goat
Yogurt, cottage cheese...make me throw up
Please no cream in my cup
My stomach is swelling
I am lactose...intolerant
My throat is constricting
I am lactose...intolerant

And so, for whatever reason, I'm glad you could all experience the awesomeness of Cyndi Lauper singing about an affliction that affects oh-so-many of the Jews and apparently 100% of the Native Americans, according to wiki. Word.

Rocking the 201

For those of you who don't live in Bergen County, New Jersey, odds are really good that you don't receive "201 Magazine" -- the "Best of Bergen". I am honored to be featured in their July edition as one of the "Rising Stars" from Bergen County (alongside no less than the Jonas Brothers - squeee!) And I know you're all like, "Damn, I would so very much like to read that full-page article about you and gaze in rapture upon the photo that was taken but moments after you broke your big toe into many pieces!" Ka-blam: luckily for you, my dad is super tech-savvy (He's an engineer, doncha know) (not, however, the kind of engineer who wears a striped hat and drives a train - believe me, i was confused for much of my early childhood) and he scanned the article AND transcribed it (to send to my fambly members who do the email thing, I think) and I am mooching off of his good will to share it with you. Avec vous. Yes, indeed.

So, behold: this is me, on my way to becoming mildly somewhat almost recognizable amongst denizens of the affluent sections of Bergen County who have a 201 area code:


(photo by Ted Axlerod, who gamely lugged lights up four flights of stairs to my apartment and photographed me in my kitchen. Yes, my kitchen is bright red. You'd love it).

(you can clickity click on that photo to see it larger, I think).

And here is the accompanying text, by Ian Spelling, who's totally rad.

FUNNY FACE
Bex Schwartz is a writer, director, commedianne, singer, host, commentator, blogger, and familiar face to VH-1 and MSNBC viewers, but at the end of the day, she sums it all up thusly:
"I am" the 29-year-old Glen Rock native explains, "a comediator."
Come again? Comediator?
"It's an official term," Schwartz insists. "The whole thing about what we do on VH-1, or that I do on the news channels is, I'm being a comedian and a commentator. So I think the logical intersection is 'comediator'. I can hardly believe it's my job," she enthuses. "I mostly don't get paid for my on-air stuff, but we can pretend I do! I do it for the love of being on television. There's so much pop culture gossip out there, and I like deconstructing in a comedic way - and hopefully, in a more intellectual way."
Growing up in Glen Rock, Schwartz thought of herself as satirical, rather than ha-ha funny. She focused on directing after college and gravitated toward avant garde/post-modern theater and performance art. "I was very earnest," she says, "and I was going to change the world through art." Later, unprepared for a show in Manhattan, Schwartz improvised by sounding off about her family and life - and the audience cracked up. That paved the way to stand-up opportunities and later, her current day job as a senior writer-producer-director of on-air promos for VH-1. Nowadays, the lines between her day and night gigs are, she explains, "blurred beyond recognition."
Of course, there's always the danger that Schwartz could become so hot and so famous, she'll be the butt of exactly the kind of pop-culture skewering at which she excels. Not that that scares her. "I think that's the ultimate goal for anyone trying to make it in the entertainment industry," Schwartz says, "that random people like me end up making fun of you on television."

It's such a nice piece that I will forgive Ian for putting a hyphen into "VH1" (no hyphen, people! you could get fired for such an offense!) and I think he was calling me "Funny Face" in a nice way, not implying that I have a funny face, although, of course, I do have a rather funny face.

Anyway! 201 Magazine! On Newsstands in Bergen County now! You can say you knew me when! (bwa ha!)

"Somebody's Dad is Waving Right There"

Finally ... FIIINALLY ... FIIIIIIINAAAAALLLYYYYYY someone has taken the time to decipher, transcribe, and illustrate Joe Cocker's "A Little Help From My Friends" performance at Woodstock. I truly had no idea that Joe Cocker was a poet of such tremendous impact. This is the most enlightening experience I've had in months and months.

Reality Show SCANDALS

You guys. My all-time favorite television appearance re-aired last night on "Showbiz Tonight" so I wanted to share it with you. Seriously. All-time-fave-rave-talking-head appearance EVER.



PS: So I've been drowning in Rock Honors: The Who (Thursday, July 17th at 9/8c, only on vh1!) and then I went to Costa Rica and then I was an interfaith ministrix/Reverend SuperJew for the best wedding ever so I have been mega-lax on the updates. Whoopsies.

A Bullet-Eating Duck

Someday, perhaps when I've been drinking, please ask me to do my impression of the Bullet-Eating Duck and the Bonus Round Bear from the coleco game "Carnival."

It's must-see-tv.

SUPER HOT COMEDY ACTION! Thursday, June 5th! 7:30pm!

HEEEEY YOU GUYYYYS. I am filling in for my good buddypal Auntie Sara tomorrow night and hosting her amazing show, "Family Hour." Here's the scoop:

Come see why the New York Post calls Family Hour with Auntie Sara "one of the city's best bets for alternative comedy!" This hilariously unique family-themed (but not family-appropriate) night of stand-up and storytelling happens each Thursday at 7:30 PM at Ochi's Lounge/Comix. From attempted murder to Survivor audition tapes, these comedians' parents (and grandparents, and cousins, and siblings) have done it all. Best of all, Auntie Sara gives you FREE HOMEBAKED COOKIES! No cover, 1 item min. purchase. See http://www.sarabenincasa.com for more info. This week: special guest host, Auntie Bex Schwartz! (VH1, CNN) (that's me! -- ed.)

Featuring these amazingly talented and wonderful comedians:
Greg Johnson
Dan St. Germain
Gilad Foss
Cousin-in-Residence Kambri Crews
Mara Herron
Carmen Lynch
Godfather-in-Residence Tom Shillue
H. Alan Scott

Thursday, June 5th.
Ochi's Lounge at Comix - 353 West 14th, just east of 9th Ave.

YES WE CAN

HAPPY DAY!

Things Like This Make it Possible To Get Out of Bed in the Morning

Yes, tigers. There are things to make even the most permanent over-sleeper (that's me. I'm not wired for the mornings) get up in the morning. Things like unicorns, and soy vanilla pudding and The Hold Steady. But, more importantly, there are things like the classic "We Are the World" video (a highlight of 1984, to be sure, and the focal point of my first-grade existence), done all-new-all-over-again -- this time, starring Japanese impersonators playing each celebrity role and mimicking their lines. If just for the guy doing Bruce Springsteen (which was always the part I played when my friends and I would recreate this video), this is youtubular amazingness. It tickles my pleasure center.


And, O goodness; the Cyndi Lauper lady. Dead on, sister, just dead on. And Ray Charles! Gah! Ray Charles!

I don't know if you share the same near-obsessive compulsion with W.A.T.W., but I used to watch that shit over and over again and I knew every word and I could even identify everyone in the video (why is Dan Ackroyd there?) and if you'd like to know everyone who pops up, there's info here, but it's sort of cheating because, really, you should be able to recognize EVERYONE - Al Jarreau, whuuuuut?

(hat tip to the always wonderful BWE.tv for the amazingness).

Send them your hearts so they know that someone cares, and their lives will be stronger and free.

BEST FREAKOUTS EVER - now on CNN.com

Hey you guyyyys!
That piece I was in on "Showbiz Tonight" last week about the "Best Freakouts EVER" is now available for your online viewing pleasure. Watch it right here!

Why You Should TOTALLY Watch So You Think You Can Dance

Because people like this Robert Muraine cat are SO STUPID SICK (thanks, Mia Michaels).



I mean, whuuuut? Those are LIQUID LIMBS, people. Liquid!

I love this show sooooo very much. And now that Idol is over (and Survivor, and Gr'anatomy, and Lost is almost done, and there's no Big Brother for a while,) and I am laid up with a busted-up broken-down toe, I needs my fix of t-t-t-t-tasty tasty tv.

A Tableau

This is my broken toe. And my panda. And my firecane. And my new oversized pillows. These are basically the items around which my life is rotating right now. It's phenomenally glamourous.

Best Freakouts EVER -- on Showbiz Tonight

... watch me on last night's Showbiz Tonight! Discussing "BEST FREAKOUTS EVER."

House's FIRE CANE (which is also MY fire cane)

Last night on "House," drunken House forgot his firecane and Amber had to get on the bus to give it to him (even though she had driven to the bar, which was weird, because why would she leave her car at the bar and take the bus with House, shouldn't she have let House get on the bus sans cane and then dropped the cane off at his townhouse, or even given it to Wilson to give to House the next day at Plainsboro Teaching Hospital? I guess if she hadn't gotten on the bus, we'd have no two-part finale, but for a smart lady, I thought she made a dumb-ass choice). But! We got a nice long look at House's firecane, which just so happens to also be MY firecane, because I am hobbling around on it since I can't put any weight on my right foot, which is the foot with the broken big toe. So I was clutching my House firecane just when House received his own firecane! So House and I shared a real moment!

Of course, my friend Lindsayism / 'gum already blogged about House and his/my firecane last week so you already know where to get a House firecane of your very own.

But you should be forewarned that I already have House's firecane and since I am biting his style, you will be biting mine. But I'm sort of okay with that. Firecanes can take NYC by firestorm! (I am on a lot of painkillers. Forgive me).

Fergalicious - BACKWARDS

A few weeks ago, I performed "Fergalicious" (by Fergie!) backwards at the ToxicPop 5th anniversary party.

I hurt my back pretty hardcore so I wasn't able to do the 'ography I'd intended, but I sort of almost emulate-ish Fergieness. And I'm singing it backwards. Because that is my special human trick.

Watch Showbiz Tonight -- TONIGHT (5/19)

Hi tigers!
I will be appearing in a segment on "Showbiz Tonight" on Headline News about the best moments of outrage ever. I am hopefully entertaining!

Details: 11pm on Headline News / again at 11pm Pacific / and 11am Eastern!

Also! I broke my big toe! And it hurts like a frakking BITCH. You should try to avoid breaking your big toe. It's a lot like teenage suicide: don't do it.

Must See TV

My dad sent along this clip of Keith Olbermann (love him, btw) calling Dubya out on his bullshit. It's maybe the most incendiary thing I have seen on tv as late (and believe me, I watch a lot of tv).
I'm not planning on having the children, but I look forward, in a perverse way, to the moment when my friends' kids are in sixth grade or so and they're learning about American history from 2000-2008 and they're simply incredulous that this shit went on for so long. Hooray for Keith Olbermann.


Please check out the transcript of amazingness.


Keith Olbermann: Mr. Bush, at long last, has it not dawned on you that the America you have now created, includes "cold-blooded killers who will kill people to achieve their political objectives?" They are those in — or formerly in — your employ, who may yet be charged some day with war crimes.

Through your haze of self-congratulation and self-pity, do you still have no earthly clue that this nation has laid waste to Iraq to achieve your political objectives? "This ideological struggle," Mr. Bush, is taking place within this country.

Preach it, brother. Preach it.

When Local News Becomes AWESOME

Oh, Sue Simmons. I've watched you do the local news for nearly my entire life, and I had no idea how amazing you truly were until you dropped the F-bomb during a live promo. Now I love you forever.

VIVA SUE SIMMONS!

PaaaaaaaahTAY, Tuesday 5/6

Free Naked Granola Enemas for Peace - Toxic Pop's 5-Year Anniversary Party!

Join us on May 6, 2008 at 10 PM at Bowery Poetry Club (308 Bowery) as Toxic Pop celebrates the five year anniversary of our weekly newsletter. That's over 250 times our editors have delivered the down-and-dirtiest of NYC's underground performance to your inbox! It's also our founder's birthday, so we're going to party twice as hard.

To celebrate, we'll be rolling the clock back to the heyday of the art star scene, and bringing back some of New York's "classic" underground performers - comedy, music, and of course lots of drinking will all be on the bill. Featured Performers will include:

* The Gay Pimp, Jonny McGovern
* Just back from touring with George Carlin, Rob Paravonian
* Queen Mother of the downtown art scene, Reverend Jen Miller
* VH1's Bex Schwartz
* Electronic one-man band, Radio Wonderland
* Dirty Downtown Divas, The O'Debra Twins
* Plus: Special art star performances by Carmen Mofongo, Courtney Weber, and Katrin Hier
* Hosted by: Faceboy

Save a few bucks by buying your tickets in advance . They'll charge you $10 if you wait and buy them at the door, but snag them here ahead of time at www.toxicpop.com for a mere six dollars!

tRNA! Peptide Bonds!

Tigers. I was enlightened by this video my senior year in high school at the very end of AP Bio. (It was deliciously retro goodness back then, but it comes from Stanford University, circa 1971). It's an interpretative dance depicting protein synthesis with a narrative loosely based on Jabberwocky. I think the performance herein says absolutely everything about why it wouldn't have sucked to be a senior in college in 1971. Sometimes, I wish I lived in this sort of world.


(This might be long, but you will learn everything you ever needed to know about protein synthesis and you might also want to do some modern interpretative dance with me, STAT.)

(oh, and the good stuff starts at 3:22ish. You can skip the introductory lesson if you just want to get to the drum circle-y tone poem biology hippie creamy nougat).

Let me just say: amino ACID.

Club Grandpa Fuckin Spaceshuttle

I am, I Cried (I actually did. I cried).

I was never quite Team Brooke, because I'm still rooting for Team Castro (with his sparkly, sparkly eyes -- but, really, Jason, step up or else I'm switching to Team Cook) but I've sort of enjoyed watching the g-rated nanny bust out all neo-Carole King this season (and it's been sort of amusing watching her tank as she and the rest of Amerika seemingly realized that she's no Carole King). And I have to acknowledge that I've apparently caught a case of depression from one of my friends, and yet I am sort-of-but-not-really ashamed to admit that I actually started crying last night when Brooke performed her tearful final song (after being celebrated home) and when she got to the lyrics, "I am ... I cried," well, so did I, Brooke, so did I.

Showbiz Tonight's "Reality Show Scandals" is Now Online

Woohoo! The piece I was in on Tuesday about "reality show scandals" on Showbiz Tonight is now available to watch on the internets!

"Fort Hood" -- Now with 100% More Appearances on Stereogum

One of my super alltime faverave sites has been awesome and amazingly wonderful enough to post the video for "Fort Hood," along with an essay by Mike. Ch-ch-ch-ch-check it on out. .

I has a happy!

Mike Doughty - Fort Hood

I directed this video! Once more, with feeling (and now, on youtube)


Check out what Mike has to say about this video. The label wanted to wait before releasing this, but we are agitated about current events. Let's stop talking about lapel flag pins while kids are still dying.

If you want to end war and stuff, you have to sing loud. (Thank you, Uncle Arlo.)

The Faaabulous Life of Tony Stark

video.vh1.com

1) I love Robert Downey Jr. so much. He is my most favorite actor of all time, and I not-so-secretly would chuck it all to run away with him (or Tony Stark) forever.
2) Look at me being all "Fab Life" stillz. Bwa ha!
3) You might want to enter the "Be Tony Stark for a Weekend sweepstakes . If you win, please to take me with you?

In My Head, It Is Always Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber Night

I just want to say: Castro, you fool, you should have done Heaven on Their Minds.
(I am still on Team Castro, because my eight-year-old little-girl heart still thinks that the modulation in "Memory" is the most beautiful thing ever). (Also, I sort of love "Cats" in a sort of ridiculously nostalgic way).

However, I also want to say that while I am elated that Ms. Carly tackled the awesomeness that is JCS, her version of "Superstar" could never match the wonder that is Mark Rinzel as Judas on German television.


(Note: Mark is not just one of my favorite singers, but he is also marrying my best friend and I really, really, really hope he wears that unitard to the wedding. Please, Mark? Please?)

I Shall be on "Showbiz Tonight" - Tonight! at Elevenses!

At long last, the segment I shot several weeks ago about "Reality Show Scandals" will be airing tonight on Headline News in the show "Showbiz Tonight." Heads up, hup hup hup!

Not Just Another Cable News Show - This Weekend on CNN Headline News

Heeeeey Yooooooooou Guuuuuuuuuys!
Check out "Not Just Another Cable News Show" this weekend on Headline News! I'm in it! Woop hoop! It airs at 7pm, 9pm, and midnight both Saturday and Sunday. Set you tivo/divo now!

And a happy Passover to everyone who's refraining from unleavened bread this weekend. I don't really eat *food* per se, so give up bread ain't no thing.

I will be on CNN Headline News MONDAY NIGHT 4/21 at 11pm

I'll be on Headline News's "Showbiz Tonight" Monday, 4/21 somewhere between 11pm and midnight, discussing "reality show scandals." You should watch it. I am hopefully amusing. WOOO HOOO.

World Premiere: The Video for Mike Doughty's "Fort Hood"

Mike Doughty wrote this kickawesome song "Fort Hood" that's on his new album (Golden Delicious). I fell in love with the song. I am a longterm uber Mike Doughty fan. And despite my fangirlness, we are actually buddypals. And I love to direct things like music videos more than anything in the world. And so we made a video for it. You can learn more about the video right here . Word. Worrrrrrrd. WORRRRRRRRRRRD!


(I directed this bad boy. I loves it. Go check it out in its exclusive internets-premiere at The Spinner. HOORAY.)

What I Really Want to Do is Just Feeding, Sleeping, and Hopping

Honestly, you guys, I feel like this All. The. Frakking. Time.

(hooray for Engrish.com ).

TRIVIATOWN: Now Available on DVD!

Hooray! Several of my friends made a fabulous documentary called "Triviatown." It's about the World's Largest Trivia contest, which is a multi-day nonstop event that occurs annually in Stevens Point, Wisconsin. I saw an early cut of the film back in the day (Because I am special because I am afore-mentioned friends with the filmmakers because that's how I roll, yo) and I think you'll enjoy discovering the madness and mayhem behind the trivia contest and the quirky-and-possibly-insane participants thereof. Watch the trailer right here!! Buy the DVD! Yay!

Showbiz Tonight - Wednesday 4/16

Hi hi hi! I thought I was going to be on CNN Headline News "Showbiz Tonight" tonight, but the piece actually moved to next Wednesday, the 16th. So, while you still might want to dvr tonight's episode just to gaze in wonder at the loveliness that is AJ Hammer, you actually want to dvr the show on Wednesday, April 17th at 11pm (if'n you want to little ol' me). Not tonight! Nope nope nope.

In other news, I would like to report (with glee) that I can walk again and I only have to go to PT twice a week instead of 4x, and today we determined that I have no permanent nerve damage, which is awesome. AWESOME. Walking is awesome. So is sitting. These are both grand activities, and I have become amazing at inverse-humping-the-floor which is my number one exercise these days. You should see it. It's awesome. Happy, happy days.

I know that I'm A Sinner, But I really Need a Winner, or This Oprhanage Will Close

Yeah, yeah, you guys are all over that list of the 50 greatest comedy sketches like hot glue on Martha Stewart's ladyblossom (love her, btw). But I am pleased as punch to find "Porcupine Racetrack" on their list, complete with embeddable youtubeness (because it wasn't on the youtubes last time I checked) and it's possibly my favorite State sketch of all time, and that's saying a LOT, because I am also seriously still totally obsessed with the one about eating muppets, the baby animal song, and the jew, the italian and the red-head gay musical climax. But I will say that "Porcupine Racetrack" has probably inspired, in some way or another, nearly 80% of the stuff I've created for the vh1 over the years. They just don't know it yet.



In other news, I will be appearing on CNN Headline News this Wednesday (4/17) at 11pm in their "Showbiz Tonight" show and I will hopefully be entertaining.

And if you're not celebrating Passover on 4/19 and 4/20 (whut whut!) you should watch CNN Headline News for its new show, "Not Just Another Cable News Show" because I'm in that edition. Don't you worry, I'll be self-promoting the frak out of it as it approaches.

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet

Comedy tonight! "Family Hour" at Ochi's @ Comix, 7:30 pm

Come on out to this awesomely fun show I'm doing tonight. There will be FREE COOKIES. It's called "Family Hour with Auntie Sara".

Check it: FAMILY HOUR WITH AUNTIE SARA - Hooray! Hooray! The New York Post calls Family Hour one of NYC's top alt-comedy shows! The New York Press and Metromix.com also recommend our magically dysfunctional story-fest featuring comedians from Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, NBC and the movies talking about family in a manner that is not at all appropriate for actual families with actual children. And we give you FREE HOMEBAKED COOKIES! Hosted by Sara Benincasa (Nerve.com, MTV News, Sirius).

Thursday 04/03/08 - 7:30 PM
Family Hour w/Auntie Sara
Ochi’s Lounge (COMIX)
353 West 14th St. just east of 9th Avenue
New York , NY
Cost: NO COVER

Bex Schwartz!

Jamie Kilstein!

Matt Rittberg!

Kambri Crews!
H. Alan Scott!

Katie Riffey!

Andrew Wright!

Claudia Cogan!
------------------------
If you can't make it tonight but you're just dying to see me and my newly acquired limp (back problems!), I am also doing a KICKAWESOME show this Saturday, 4/5 at 11:59 pm at the UCB theater. It's "High School Talent Show" and I will be singing backwards.

Take Action for Tibet

Longtime Bex-friends know that I used to be really passionate about things before I sold-out and became apathetic. It's hard to tell, but I actually do care about things (beyond making you watch shows on the VH1) and I still really care about the Chinese government's systematic cultural genocide of Tibet. And, so, friends, unless you've been living under a rock, (and if you've been living under a rock, we should talk about other things like if you're eating worms like Gollum), you're well aware that there is crazypants violence going on Tibet and His Holiness the Dalai Lama is all sorts of concerned and basically, the shit totally hit the fan. And so.

We're all involved in a Day of Action we're calling "No Torch Through Tibet."

Here's the deal:

Today, March 24th, China lit its 2008 Olympic Torch at Ancient Olympia in Greece, marking the first day of Beijing's "Journey of Harmony." (ed: PSHAW). Meanwhile, for Tibetans inside Tibet, the situation is far from harmonious as they continue to resist the Chinese government's brutal military crackdown.

Chinese authorities are hoping that the torch relay kickoff will divert the world's attention from its repression in Tibet. But they're wrong. The chorus calling for an end to the repression is growing.

And people everywhere are demanding immediate removal of Tibet from the Olympic torch relay.

If the IOC allows the Olympic torch to be carried through Tibet, the Chinese government will inevitably continue - and likely escalate - its repression of Tibetans, using brutal force and mass arrests in order to ensure a successful propaganda exercise. But we can do something about it!

Please contact your National Olympic Committee (NOC) today and ask them to urge the IOC to immediately remove Tibet from the Torch Relay Route. Please call the US Olympic Committee at 1 949 975 2900 to simply say "Please don't let the Olympic torch go through Tibet". You can press 3 for International Relations and then 0 for operator.

(You can also fax them at 949 975 2916 and email them at international@usoc.org)

Tell them that under current conditions, allowing the torch to go through Tibet would make the IOC complicit in China's assault on Tibetans.

We're doing everything we can to make sure we're being heard. Almost exactly 11 months after a high-profile action on Mt. Everest to protest the torch coming to Tibet, and two weeks after lighting the Tibetan Freedom Torch in Olympia, SFT's Deputy Director Tenzin Dorjee was back in Olympia to keep up the pressure. SFT held a jam-packed press conference last night, and today at China's official Olympic torch lighting ceremony, Tendor and other Tibet activists were arrested by Greek police in an attempt to silence our protests. Watch the dramatic video of Tendor's arrest!

It was bad enough that China had hoped to use the Olympic torch, a symbol of freedom, to attempt to legitimize its rule in Tibet. Now, with the people across Tibet rising up and demanding their freedom, the stakes are even higher as the Chinese government looks to seize any excuse to continue its military crackdown against Tibetans.

Please, contact your National Olympic Committee today and urge them to voice their concerns to the IOC about this urgent issue. Your National Olympic Committee (NOC) not only represents your country's Olympic athletes, they represent your nation as well.

Call them. Email them. Send them a letter. It's simple. Just tell them "no torch through Tibet."

Rob Paravonian's Geniusness

I know I've blogged about this before, but my friend Rob Paravonian (eternal friend of Grindhouse A Go Go and we've also done oodles of comedy shows together and I am always SO IMPRESSED WITH his AWESOMENESS) has this incredible bit called "Pachelbel's Rant." The Rant became so popular, and Rob is so awesome, that he is now opening for GEORGE CARLIN, a comic atop whose altar I worship nearly daily. That's the bigtime, baby! And to be in the presence of Carlin's legendary amazingness! Joy. Anyway, I think the Pachelbel's Rant is possibly the greatest execution of an idea that I've ever seen. Watch it again (and do make sure you commit to the very end).

The Brave New World of Outings in '08

Breaking: Mike Mills and Peter Buck - NOT GAY.



(this is perhaps one of the greatest things to hit the internets in quite some time. Strange currencies, indeed!)

Squeezomgz, Letterman's Top 10 Reasons to Watch the 4th season of BSG

... as delivered by the cast of BSG.


(Hearts and stars to Eliot for the heads up).

Watch "I Know My Kid's a Star" Tonight at 10

I've been working on promos for this show and it premieres tonight at 10/9c and you should watch it. And, look, someone who isn't me taped my tease promo off the tv and put it on the internet. Watch and discuss, yo.

Remembering When ... When Friendster Was Awesome back in 2003

Today on Toxicpop, you can see a BLAST FROM THE PAST. It's from the way back machine, back from 2003, when World News Tonight (news friend Peter Jenning! Hearts and misses!) did a piece about Friendster and Robert Krulwich basically calls me a whore in the nicest way possible.

Also, I should note that we taped this on my birthday and I was a little out of it which is why my hair is all shoved up on my head (remember when it was that color red? Awwwww.)

Perhaps the Most Frightening Photo You Shall Ever Seeeeeeeeeeeeeee

WHY ARE THERE MAN EYES IN THE BEAR'S MOUTH?

This Lolrus May Have Lost His Bukket But He Sure Got His Groove Back

Ohmigosh, it's a walrus who dances like Michael Jackson. Take THAT, America's Next Best Dance Crew!

Me on the TV on the Youtube

Astute readers will notice a new category directly to the right --------> "Bex on the TV." I've been inspired and motivated by my friends who have many many many hilarious videos that you should watch on the internet, and I realized that I don't have any of my tv appearances on the youtube and I had been saving a lot of them on my DVR and then my DVR died but my friend JJB (BSG whut whut?) taught me how to do this miraculous wonder of magically poofing them from the world wide web and onto youtube (you know, for the kids) and now I have some of my tv appearances on the youtube and I hope no one minds. Track my changing hair colors and diets! What fun!

... Such as this classic, from that long ago summer when "Superman Returns" was about to open and there wasn't really any chatter that he was gay but we pretended there was. I love it more than anything because I am wearing Underoos on MSNBC. UNDEROOS ON MSNBC! Who the frak is more probably insane than that? Yeah.

Gratuitous Underoo Shot!

Watch CNBC Tonight! At 10pm!

Dearest friends - I am finally well-ish and back at work (I was sick for quite some time and my modem also decided to get sick in sympathy for me and so we were both sick and there was no internet in my house when I was stuck in bed for days on end all alone with no internet and only my hugging-panda for company) and back to my blog. With a grand ol' announcement!

I will on The Big Idea with Donny (awesome) Deutsch tonight! Set your tivo/divo for 10pm but I think my segment hits around the 10:30 mark. I'm in the "Big Idea / Bad Idea" debate and I throwdown against the lovely Bernadette Pauley. Even though we sort of wanted to have a catfight and then kiss 'n' make up afterwards, I think we held a vaguely civil debate. You can be the judge. We debate, you decide. Oh whoops, wrong network. Teehee!

The Most Important Movie Trivia Question of ALL TIME

Ahem.

In 1990, there was a sequel to the blockbuster smash hit "Look Who's Talking." The sequel was called "Look Who's Talking Too." As in: look who ELSE is talking.



This is a very special kind of sequel! For it uses the word "too." As in -- also! Additionally! Just like someone was talking in the first one! But now, someone ELSE is talking! In this case, "too" means: look! someone else is talking! Someone is talking, also! Someone is talking, additionally!

Here is the question: What other movie sequel also uses the "Too" signifier? Not like "Ghostbusters 2" or "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit" or even "Gremlins 2: A New Batch." No, no, no. There is one certain specific movie sequel that uses the word "Too" to indicate "also."

Can you guess it? Can you guess it? Can you guess it? It's only the most important movie trivia question of all time.

Best Erotic Comics 2008 Release Party - Wednesday, March 5th

Hi hi. I'm pleased to announce that I no longer have a stomach flu, but now I have a raging sinus infection AND my pinched nerve is acting up! But I'm not moping around - oh, no, no, no. I'm on antibiotics and everything! Which means I'll be all better by this Wednesday, so you should come to this show I'm doing: (blurb ganked from the lovely Rachel Kramer Bussel)

Fundraiser for The Comic Book Legal Defense Fund

BEST EROTIC COMICS 2008 LAUNCH PARTY,

A BENEFIT FOR THE COMIC BOOK LEGAL DEFENSE FUND

March 5, 7:30 pm
Parkside Lounge, 317 E. Houston Street, NYC

21+ please, 2 drink minimum
$10 suggested donation to CBLDF


Best Erotic Comics 2008 (Last Gasp), edited by Greta Christina, is a groundbreaking collection featuring today's top names in the world of comics. At this event, a fundraiser for the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, New York's funniest comedians will "act out" work by Colleen Coover, Jessica Fink, Ellen Forney, Justin Hall, Rolf Konig, Erica Moen, and Dori Seda. Listen, laugh, squirm, and get turned on as they treat you to a night of sex and comedy you won't soon forget. Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel of In The Flesh Reading Series and featuring comedians Dan Allen, Sara Benincasa, Jon Friedman, Margot Leitman, Matt McCarthy, Giulia Rozzi and Bex Schwartz.


(note: I am pleased as punch to be included with this gang of people who are truly "New York's Funniest Comedians." I'm not so certain I merit inclusion amongst their ranks, but I'm excited to be the interloper nonetheless).

also: just think, if you plan this right and rock your DVR just in case, you can see the show and then race home for the ProjRun finale.

Look What I Found at the Place Where I Buy Vegetables

Mmm mmm, good! Cock soup! For when you're really gagging for it!

(Alas, it's made with pumpkin, to which I am quite allergic).

chicks and giggles - tuesday night, 2/26

UPDATE: I WON'T BE DOING THIS SHOW BECAUSE I SEEM TO HAVE A TUMMY BUG AND CAN'T STOP BOOTING. YUCK.

Yo people. I have a show Tuesday night. Which is mildly scary because it is Monday at noon and I fear I have tonsillitis even though I don't have any tonsils. Creepy!

Here is the poop:

Tomorrow's Rad Show

"Thank you for being a friend! Travel down the road, but before you go back again, stop into Ochi's tomorrow night for a really fun lineup, some beers and no doubt some Oscar smack-talk. First timers include Chelsea White who is hilarious and adorable and Micia Mosely who is as accomplished as she is funny. And look - Bex Schwartz is back! Let's DO THIS...

Chicks and Giggles
Every Tuesday at 8 pm
Ochi’s Lounge at Comix
353 W. 14th Street (9th Ave.)
No cover, 1 item minimum.

February 26:

Eliza Faria-Santos (Comedy Central’s Fresh Faces)
Micia Mosely (She has a PhD!)
Anne Neczypor (LOL Tour)
Bex Schwartz (all over VH1)
Chelsea White (Knitting Factory)
Becky Yamamoto (UCB)

Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)"

Pardon Me, Robin Antin?

Oh, Robin Antin! You've plumped your lips so full of collagen that I can't understand a single thing you say! When I was 9, I drank a bee! It was in my can of soda and I when I tipped my head back to drink, the bee flew out of the can and into my mouth and it stung me right on the tongue! And it hurt like the dickens! And my tongue swelled up! And was so very hurty! And I couldn't talk coherently! And that, Robin Antin, is exactly what you sound like when you try to talk.

Incidentally, those who know me know that I almost always drink using a straw. This is NOT because of the bee flying into my mouth situation! It is an entirely different compulsive behavior that is independent from the bee/mouth/ouchy incident. However, with newfound hindsight, I really do advocate straw-drinking as a very fabulous way to prevent bees from flying into one's mouth.

PS: I am down with GIRLICIOUS but I miss the premise of last year's incarnation when the girls were competing for a slot in the Pussycat Dolls (although: Asia who? Jigga what?) and sometimes a crew member or stagehand type would refer to the contestants as "pussykittens" and that is one my very most favorite neologisms of late.

Dance Party! Friday Night!

Hi you guys!
Guess what! You should come to our Mike Doughty Video benefit party. It's going to be awesome. Mike is DJ'ing. I will be there. Dancing my tailfeathers off. So please come!

Blurb:

Let's raise some money to pay for our music video! There will be wonderful music provided by your DJ, Mike Doughty! And there will be dancing! And standing around with the bopping of heads!

Friday, Feb 22, 10:30 pm
At the Knitting Factory (74 Leonard Street)
in the Old Office (downstairs from the Tap Bar)
$5
Plus a donation box for those inclined to donate.
Starring: Your DJ, Mike Doughty

Want a tasty sample like those little cups of food they sometimes pass out on the street? Go to Dubious Luxury , the online home of DJ Mikey Dough.

Watch MSNBC Today at 4:30

For I, in my valentine's day splendor (I have really big hair!) will be discussing American Idol. Because, of course, I have watched all of Hollywood Week. Tune in, turn on, drop out!

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'd like to bring back the spot I did last year. Gar gar gar gar ... GARRRRR!

CNN Headline News! Showbiz Tonight! 11pm! Featuring: Me!

Hi, pilgrims! I'll be talking the talk on "Showbiz Tonight" on CNN's Headline News at 11pm tonight. Set your tivo and/or divo!

I'll be discussing celebrity mishegoss, not Obama's sweep of the Potomac primaries and his surge in delegates. Although, to that I say:



You're all submitting lolbamacats to Yes We Can Has, right? Just checking.

Yes We Can!

I'm still obsessed with "Yes We Can Has," especially RIGHT NOW.

See?








Note: [This is me tugging my ear to give credit for coining "delecats."]

Blue Mouths!

So many blue tongues on Hollywood Week tonight! Were they eating blue raspberry blow-pops or drinking blue slurpees? I sure do hope Ryan will tell us. Because it is AWESOME that no one gargled or scraped their tongues before performing and they have blue tongues. Loves it!

Yes We Can Gets Our Bucket Back!

I made this. It is a dreaming Obamalolrus.

Getting Excited and Tingly Things

I don't know, man, I don't want to jinx anything or nuthin', but man, it's sort of exciting right now, isn't it? I mean, politically speaking -- of course. February is not necessarily the most outrageous month (although, woo! New Big Brother and Survivor!) (oh lord, I am a dork) but things are just so ... looking up? It's been a nasty slog through the past several years of being ashamed about my country's government and suffering through a general malaise of anger, frustration and stagnancy. But I'm feeling better. Obama, man. It would just be so damn exciting.

Now, look, I'm a hippie dippie type and I'm all sorts of peace and love and all that, but really, I'm frakking psyched, and not just because there's an Obamalolcat phenomenon. It just seems like under an Obama presidency, we really can expect things to change ... and to get better, and to be able to visit Europe without being ashamed of our nationality, because boy do they not like us so much over there (or anywhere, for that matter).

And, look, here's my main deal: it's just seemed sort of not so much fun to look into the future as of late. And I don't mean looking forward to flying cars and genetic rejuvenation or even my planned talk show that I intend to host when I've launched the first television station on the moon (and believe me, I think about that all. the. time). I mean just generally looking forward and trying to see an end of all this yuckyness. It's been tough to see through it.

And, here's the deal, I wrote my thesis in college about the need for a new form of self-expression when faced with a futureless existence, vis-a-vis the rise of the postmodern theater as a result of the hippies feeling so overcome by a lingering sense of atomic fear, so overwrought by being forced chronically to think the unthinkable, so over-exhausted by an all-pervasive sense of dread via mutually assured destruction that they just sort of tripped out a little bit because there was no end in sight. But they got all sorts of jazzed about McGovern and everyone was happy just for a little while and all of a sudden 18-year-olds could vote, and hey man, McGovern was their man. And they were REALLY EXCITED. And that's sort of how I feel right now.

(Full disclosure: I'm a little obsessed with the atomic era. And also while I was researching my thesis I got a really horrible flu and became so delerious and dehydrated that I hallucinated two people named Hipporabundia and Madagascar who told me that I had radiation sickness and I was therefore never going to recover, so, hey, I'm a little nuts).

But the no future thing -- the hippies became jaded when McGovern got trounced, and under the Nixon years, the activist types just got angry. And instead of blissing out to avoid thinking about a futureless existence , the punks just got angrier. From the Sex Pistols to Roxy Music, there's a lot of "no future" rhetoric and it sort of represented a nihilistic view about the fact that everyone thought we were all going to die.

And I'm not saying it's been that bad over the past 8 years, but it's been sort of similar, to a much less serious degree. I didn't grow up ducking and covering, and the Berlin Wall came down when I was eleven, so I've never really been 100% for real afraid of atomic destruction, recurring nightmares aside. But I have felt a shiver of "what's the use" because really, for a long while, it seemed like I was just angry all the time and eventually the anger faded to a disappointing sense of apathy, and really, who wants to be an apathetic slug. Although, to be sure, there's a line in R.E.M.'s "What's the Frequency, Kenneth," citing Richard Linklater who said "withdrawal in disgust is just the same as apathy," and who can blame anyone for being disgusted at the sheer shit that has gone down in DC for far too long?

So what I'm saying is this: right now, with Obama continuing to win primaries, and the whole democratic nomination seemingly way up in the air with a potentially good chance (i'm a hippie optimist, let's not forget) that Obama could get the nomination, it just doesn't seem so bad right now. I can actually possibly maybe even let myself think about the future, a future that theoretically will not at all suck. Yes we can has idealistic leanings right now, and that's sort of a really wonderfully exciting and tingly way to feel.

YES WE CAN HAS

As Josh said, "This was inevitable." To which I add: Inevitable, and Awesome.

Behold: YES WE CAN HAS

Where LOLcats rock the vote for Obama.

I think I'd like to submit a "diabeetus" one, because it'll tickle me pink.

But first, I made this one:



UPDATE: Noah made a diabeetus one, bless his everlovin' soul:

Thundercats, Hooooo!

I have been watching the Grammys, which really only require half-attention at most, and 1/3-attention during the gospel stuff, and I was thinking about Robot Chicken, which I love so much, because it is awesome, and I made this to be JUST LIKE THEM! (Also, ps: the will.i.am thing at the end of the Grammys was just painful, huh?). Anyway. Behold, my homage to Robot Chicken:

Thundercats, Ho!

Grammy Musings Part Deux

Is Fergie preggie? She was onstage for such a long time, so awkwardly greeting Sir George Martin and son, and I'm not judging and maybe she ate a cheeseburger, which is fine, but did she look pregnant?

I love Tina Turner, but when she wears a silver jumpsuit and looks like the android version of Tina Turner, I'm wondering how I'm supposed to know that's really her and not an animatronic robot Tina Turner, because if there were robotic Tina Turners out there, I hope we'd be using them for the power of good.

I believe that Cher will outlast the nuclear winter.

When Beyonce was sitting on that chair at the beginning of her number, it was some really unfortunate thigh placement.

(this blog has just become a tumblr. Word).

On Cirque Du Soleil's "A Day in the Life" Routine on the Grammys

That was supposed to be a parody of itself, right?

Please Watch FREE RADIO Tonight at 9:30 on VH1!

Howdy, friends! Howdy, Howdy, Howdy! If you watch one show tonight at 9:30, it should be "Free Radio." And if you DVR one show at 9:30, it should be "Free Radio." And if you watch two shows tonight, you should probably watch last night's "Lost" so you can read the internet without spoiling it for yourself. Anyway. I've been working on the promos for Lance Krall's new show, "Free Radio," for a good long time now. And it's a funny show. You'll laugh. You'll be entertained. You'll be happy you postponed going out just to watch this show. For reals, I promise.

To whet your appetite and wet your whistles, enjoy this trailer. We call this a "supertrailer" around these parts because we enjoy inventing redundant terminology. But this trailer/teaser (whatevs) should float your boat. Play "name that celeb" and try to identify all the super famous people who are going to appear on the show!

Super Tuesday

Since I don't care very much for sports (except Figure Skating, about which I care very, very deeply), I really wish Super Tuesday election returns were just like the superbowl, with commercials you really want to watch and a special performance by Tom Petty. Maybe in '12? Please?

Wiener Poopies for Jesus

As Noah said, "This is what local news was invented for."

This video is so very beautiful, I can't quite stand it. Mad props to Aaron and his internetting skills for finding it.

When Lemurs Go THX

Want want want want!

glumbert - THX for the Eyes

I'm doing the "Ritalin Readings" On Monday, 2/4

(Here is a blurb I ganked from Lindsay's blog)

Ritalin Readings is THIS MONDAY

This Monday, February 4, at 8 pm at The Slipper Room! We have the venue for the entire night so there will be a MIXER afterwards! Produced by Jon Friedman and hosted by Lindsay Robertson and Gabe Delahaye. This month's lineup:

Sarah Schaefer
John Sellers
Bex Schwartz
Jane Borden
Jason Roeder
Jon Friedman

Ritalin Readings
Monday, February 4th
8PM
5$
The Slipper Room
167 Orchard St (at Stanton)

More info:
The reading series for people with short attention spans returns February 4th to The Slipper Room.

Party with us after the show!

"A Ritalin Reading last month was pure performance... Jokes about sex figured prominently into the routines. Most were closer to stand-up comedy than fiction." - The New York Times

"...the show successfully accomplished its stated goal of providing bite-sized morsels of high-grade entertainment goodness for the short attention span set. That is to say, it was fun, not boring." - Whatevs.org

"A program jam-packed with humorous anecdotes related by guest writers/comedians in under four minutes." - Flavorpill

"With each reader only speaking for 4 minutes, even those with attention span problems will be able to sit still for long enough. It's fast, funny and definitely not for the sleepy." - Gothamis

A very House Christmas

It's so weird to see a Christmas show at the end of January! Complete with the slo-mo, soft focus gathering of tv show people that proves that even though these tv show people all lead disparate lives and endure hardships, they still love each other! Around a Christmas tree, no less! One of the greatest and most trite cliches of the holiday season that we almost don't even notice because it's so ingrained in our collective unconscious that we think: oh! it's Christmas! let's watch people appreciate each other in slow motion!

I'm just saying -- pretty sneaky, Fox, saving up the holiday House episode til you knew we were so starved for entertainment we would even consider watching "The Connor Chronicles" -- although, we saw through that scheme because PEE-YEW, it stinks, even starring River/Summer (she has a real nature name and a fake nature name!) from "Firefly" (which I watched in repeats on Universal HD; full disclosure: I am a Whedon latecomer and I've never even seen Buffy). And Lost doesn't even come back til Thursday! So you got us with your hoarded Christmas episode!

And I bet your ratings will kick ass.

Merry Belated Christmas, Fox. You got us good this time.

Wallace and Laura, Separated at Birth?

So I've been slogging through "Crowned," that mother-daughter pageant reality show on the CW that sort of sucks (but, I know, I'm still watching it because when I can't sleep at night it's either that or the food network) and every time I see the hideous, evil bitch mother Patty (she's the mother of the hideous, evil bitch, nasty, vile, immature, childish Laura-the-firecrotch), I'm struck by how much she's ruined her face with plastic surgery and the bo-bo-botox, and that she's really only transformed herself into the female version of Wallace. See?

The Magic of Mickey Rooney's Ears

Whilst watching the SAG Awards last night, I was inordinately preoccupied with Mickey Rooney's differently-sized ears. I didn't hear a word he said; I was just focused on the size differential. Behold:

Mickey's Ears, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

See? His right ear (on the left side of the photo) is like a regular, little ear. But his left ear (on the right side of the photo) is a huge, Dopey-of-the-Seven-Dwarves, distended, old-man ear!

How does that happen? I know that men's earlobes stretch as they get old, creating that old man ear effect, but how does it only happen on one side of the body? Does Mickey Rooney have magic ears. It must be.


MICKEY ROONEY HAS MAGIC EARS! (Kind of like how Lt. Dan has magic legs.)

Slightly in Awe of Stuckey & Murray and Jon Friedman from Slightly Buzzed

So the show was super doubleplus awesome and thank you to everyone who came out. Stuckey & Murray were absolutely genius and Jon Friedman is just tremendously amazing and does a bit about a bear that made me laugh so hard I cried eyeliner rivulets down my face. And, I got my own most magical ever theme song and it is so wonder it makes my heart swell to the point of eruption. Dig it (like the frog): the Bex Schwartz theme song! (right click save as if you're nasty).

Slightly Buzzed THURSDAY NIGHT

Yo people!
I'm rocking a show called "SLIGHTLY BUZZED" tomorrow night. It's at 8pm at Rififi. I'm slightly excited because apparently I get a theme song that I didn't have to write. I am also not sure what exactly I will be doing but it will probably be
A) about pop culture
B) pretty stupid
C) relatively funny
D) something you’d enjoy more if you were slightly buzzed.

That is not a multiple choice question, it is a pipe. This is not a pipe. (insert photo of pipe: here).

Details: "Slightly Buzzed is a variety show that invites its performers to do WHATEVER they want. Something new, something old, something out of their comfort zone, something experimental, something in their comfort zone, eat a sandwich ..."

Hosted by Jon Friedman (he produces the amazing "REJECTION SHOW") and Stuckey & Murray (they did that video about humping a unicorn that you liked so much)

Featuring:
Matt Goldich - (funny comic)
Roger Hailes - (also a very funny comic)
Elna Baker - (also a very, very funny comic)
Bex Schwartz - (I talk crap about famous people on television, occasionally. And in bars, most of the time)


Where:
Rififi
332 E. 11th Street (between 1st and 2nd)

I Shot A Video and It's Official

If Videostatic says it is; it has to be. The lovely man who runs Videostatic is way, way too nice to me. Hearts!

Heath Ledger Found Dead, Covered in Hot Fudge and Sprinkles

BEX: so heath ledger just died and i thought you should know.

JOSH: a lot of people seem to think i should know this.

BEX: because you don't work in a place where the entire building starts shouting "OMG HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD, WHAT DO WE TELL JAKE GYLLENHAAL." Because that is what is happening in my office.

JOSH: sounds fu

BEX: it truly is.

JOSH: which is 66% of fun

BEX: that is exactly correct, algorithmically speaking.

JOSH: like an ice cream sundae with no toppings.

BEX: shouting "HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD" is actually scientifically proven to be 66% fun. now, if we were shouting "HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD, COVERED IN SPRINKLES ..."

JOSH: 100% fun!

BEX: The remaining 44%. Or, wait. 34%. i'm sorry, heath ledger is dead, i can no longer do math.

JOSH: i wonder what it would take to spread the meme that he was covered in hot fudge and sprinkles at the time of his death

BEX: considering that EVERYONE IS GOOGLING Heath Ledger ... i could just post it right now.

JOSH: i'll buy you a snapple if one major media outlet picks it up
-----------------------------------------

Despite the horribly insensitive nature of this post, I do actually have a heart and that heart feels very sad for Heath's friends and family and loved ones. And, aren't they still doing reshoots on that Batman movie? Dang.

And also, don't these things happen in threes? Brad Renfro ... Heath Ledger ... I'm just saying, if you're an attractive young leading man, perhaps now is not the time to take flying lessons, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

Come on, Major Media Outlets! Momma wants a Snapple!

Watch Free Radio on VH1 2/8 at 9:30!

I directed this bad boy promoting "Free Radio" starring Lance Krall and Anna Vocino, premiering Friday, February 8th at 9:30/8:30c. Only on VH1!

And I didn't put it on youtube, so suck it, viacom, someone else did. Word.

This Panda Can Steal My Jacket ANYTIME HE WANTS

Loves loves loves!

Did I mention I'm on IMDB?

Because I am.

I'm shooting a music video and you ought to be in it.

Bloggy friends in the NYC area:

I am shooting a music video for my buddypal Mike Doughty next Sunday, January 20th.

We're shooting in Brooklyn. It's a daytime exterior shoot and we'll basically need you to hang out in a grand choir of people lip-syncing the chorus to one of Mike's new songs from his soon-to-be-released album. So we'll need you from the morningtime until it gets dark. It's the day before MLK day, so you probably don't even have to work on Monday. We're doing this guerilla-low-budget style, so, we can't pay you, but you do get to
a) be in an awesome music video with anti-war themes
b) hang out with me and mike all day long
c) tell all your friends that you're in a music video.

We're looking for all shapes, sizes, vibes, demographics and SAT scores.
Please also be pleasant to work with and not completely insane.

Interested? Gmail me a photo and a note why you're intrigued to starbex AT gmail DOT com.

Also: anyone want to crew up? I'm looking to fill a few crew spots as well.

Thanks, tigers!

xxxooo,
bex

Best Panda Hat Ever

"Howdy, I'm a panda! Howdy, howdy, howdy!"