Friday, December 23, 2011

The Christmas song we wrote in our house

Sing to the tune of "Up on the Rooftop"

Food and snacks and snacks and treats!
Give me something more to eat!
I ate my cat food - yum yum yum!
But I want more in my tum (my)
My name is Panda - meow meow meow!
Give me more food; do it now!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Call Your Grandma

(the single jewish girl's version of Robyn's "Call Your Girlfriend")

Call your grandma
It's time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it's not her fault
But you are not dating a Jew!

Tell her not to get upset, second-guessing everything you said and done
And then when she gets upset tell her how you never meant to hurt no one
Then you tell her that the only thing you’d recommend
Is when she’ll learn to comprehend
That you won’t sign up for J-date, but she can pretend
And then you let her down easy

Call your grandma
It's time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it's not her fault
But you are not dating a Jew!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Dad Schwartz in the comics

I was having drinks with Corey and his lovely wife a few weeks ago and I learned that Kristen used to design and name socks after baseball players and I asked if she could request that someone name a sock after my father. Because my father’s one great wish in life, his one true desire, the thing he wants more than anything else in the world, is to somehow have a middle school named after him: The Robert Franklin Schwartz middle school. This goal comes up every few months or so when he muses about how he really just wants a middle school named after him. And he’s not about to donate millions of dollars (we do not have millions of dollars) to some school to get naming rights, and odds are slim that a town would name its middle school after the guy who designed their sewage treatment plant, so I thought maybe a sock would be the next best thing.

But Corey did one even better! He made my dad a character in his comic strip, The Elderberries! Look, there’s Dad Schwartz, revealing his lifelong dream. And just you wait because there are TWELVE DAYS OF DAD SCHWARTZ in the comics. If you see Corey this week, please give him a giant hug.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

How Big Is Panda Boo?

Panda Boo is SO BIG! 3 foot 2, according to the measuring tape.


I am so honored and absolutely pleased as punch to be part of the Uncastable gang!

A giant hug and sloppy kisses to Mikala Bierma, Michael Lacher, Tyler Coates, Halle Kiefer, Bobby Finger et al!

Monday, November 28, 2011

I’m not going to review The Muppets because I agree wholeheartedly with what Sepinwall said and he said it better than I could. (Also, I loved it, and don’t argue with me about this because I am crazy diehard Muppethead, to the extent that not one, not two, but at least eleven people have commented that my office looks like Miss Piggy’s dressing room and that is a CONSCIOUS DESIGN CHOICE BY ME).

But I will say that my whole being was filled with glee when there was a shot of Walter in a dressing room and a photo of one of the African Masks (they were characters, so I’ll capitalize the name) from “Turn the World Around” was wedged into the mirror.

Favorite muppet thing of all time ever in the world, even though when I was a little kid it scared the bejeezus out of me and I had nightmares about it for a long time.
Do you know who I am?
Do I know who you are?
See we one another clearly
Do we know who we are?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Tripping at the Muppets

So I went to see The Muppets tonight! A me party, all by myself. I loved it to pieces. LOVED IT. But this is not a review of The Muppets, which you should all see and love. This is the story of the Tripping Lady!

During the preshow, I was looking at my phone and trying to ignore the toddlers squawking behind me. During the trailers, all the kids seemed to be settling down. Right before the movie started, there was a brief spot featuring The Muppets telling us all to be quiet and to turn off our cel phones. When Statler and Waldorf appeared, someone sitting up front yelled "FUCK YEAH!" and threw their arms into the air. It was cute. I mean, we all were excited, right? Sure! I have been known to yell things in movies before.

And then the movie started and there was a song and this person stood up started dancing in her seat. She was sort of looking around at the rest of us like "Why aren't you joining me? We should be dancing! This is a movie with the Muppets!" But she didn't sit down. And then movie theater person went over to talk to her. I was trying to pay attention to the movie so I stopped watching that scene play out.

Until she was escorted out of the theater, and as she was perp-walked across the center aisle, she started dancing again! And both of her arms were covered in rolls of industrial toilet paper! Like the ones in the movie theater bathrooms:

And she broke free from the security guy and started and singing and dancing across the aisle, waving her toilet paper around.

I am pretty sure she was on mushrooms or something like that? Then she was gone and we all enjoyed the movie. I live pretty close to the theater so I just walked home without stopping to use the restroom but I assume there is no more toilet paper anywhere at that particular AMC.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011


1) I made my little brother steal this copy of Cat Fancy from the vet’s office.
2) We pronounced it “catfancy” like “infancy.”
3) I hung this cover in my frosh dorm.
4) I have been searching for it ever since.
5) I feel like I have just completed a quest in a videogame.
6) This is the greatest photo of a cat in the history of photos of cats.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

One of these things is not like the other! One of these things just doesn't belong! Can you guess which thing is not like the other by the time I finish this song?

Hints: one of these things is neither a VIP nor from Northern England.

The thing does, however, support Your Big Year.

Friday, October 28, 2011

When I was 8, I was Weird Al Yankovic for Halloween. Seen here with my little brother, @Adamsthinking, wearing a Go-Bot costume. Just wanted to share.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

"The Literary Whores of Thailand"

So, you guys know that Bangkok is seriously under water and the floods are really horrific across Thailand and it is bad news bears over there.

A good friend of mine has fled BKK for Pattaya, which is sort of known for being sex touristy, but also beachy! (I did not go there, because I was a lady traveling alone and being in a place know for sex tourism felt ick-icky to me) (also why I avoided Phuket). Anyway! He and his fiancee fled to Pattaya to avoid the monsoon floods affecting Bangkok, and he sent me this photo of a prostitute who beckoned him to her bar.

As Josh put it: Are there literary whores of Thailand?

My pal in Pattaya explained: “I got so excited when I saw that dress, and she had no problem with my taking a picture, and no clue at all who Jonathan Safran Foer is.  Someone, I’m guessing, just dug the font.”

Literary Whores of Thailand is my new band name.

In my head, there is a prostitute wearing a Jonathan Franzen “The Corrections” dress right across the street.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

In some way or another, we are all just cats with our paws on the radiator, making clicking noises at the birds outside whom we will never be able to catch and devour.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Gregory House

Last night as I was coming back from JFK, my car took me past GREGORY HOUSE.

With all his legal drama and stuff, I can’t believe he has his own house!

* It is entirely possible that Lindsay is the only person who will get this.

Monday, October 17, 2011


I am recapping The Walking Dead because I love zombies so very much.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Bear Skin Condoms

I have a TV tuned to vh1 in my office but I normally don't turn up the volume. But I had it on quietly in the background while I was writing a script. And there was a commercial for a new type of Trojan condoms. And I kept hearing the words "bear skin condoms."

Here, let me transcribe this spot for you:

v/o: (singing) Trojan Man!

v/o: Here in our labs, we're developing the latest in pleasure innovation! Bringing couples closer ... than ever before.

v/o: Trojan bear skin condoms! They're an amazing 40% thinner than our standard condoms!

v/o: For an irresistibly close experience!

annc: Trojan Bear Skin condoms. America's number one most trusted condom brand. Can't wait to get it on.

couple: Thanks, Trojan Man!

v/o: My pleasure.

And I was like: that is weird? To make condoms out of bear skin? I mean, I guess, I know there are sheepskin condoms for people who are allergic to latex? And the idea of that always felt sort of gross to me. I don't even wear leather. So I wouldn't want sheep skin inside of my vagina. It would be un-vegetarian and also sort of gross. So I kept on working.

And then the commercial came on again but I didn't look up and just sort of half-listened to it. So then I was like -- is bear skin super spermicidal? Does it prevent disease? And then I was like -- what if I ever have sex again and the dude is like "Hey, baby, I've got this new bear skin condom. It is 40% thinner than a typical condom! It will bring us closer together!"

And then I was thinking about what I would say and if I'd have to play the vegetarian card ("Even my wallet is vegan!") and how that argument would go ("But you're not eating bear skin, it will just be inside of your vagina") and I sort of spent way too long trying to come up with an argument against using a bear skin condom because if it really does feel that much better with bear skin, than maybe it would maybe be okay?

So then I decided to look up the bear skin condoms to see if there were reviews of them and if people were like "YES. Use the bear skin condoms. They are amazing! GROWL!" or if people were making bear skin puns like "Perfect for letting a man into your honeypot" or whatever.

And so. Oh.


Thursday, October 06, 2011


Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Mr. Princess Prettypants Kittyface

My darling Panda Boo.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Happy Jew Year from the Muppets

Happy Jew Year from my favorite muppet and his Snowths.

(via Hellsattik)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

IRL - funny people from the internet being funny onstage

SHOWY SHOW. Monday, September 19th (aka "The Day Before My Birthday").
Come to Brooklyn for the laughs!

Monday, September 05, 2011

Joey Cramer - update

Oh man, they arrested him. I hope everything becomes better for you soon, Joey Cramer!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Wait. So EVERYONE is Looking for Joey Cramer?

Longtime readers know that this blog was once very dedicated to finding Joey Cramer, the child actor who was the star of Flight of the Navigator.

We sent out a message to the universe to try to find him.

And then we found him, working in a sporting goods store in Canada.

Tonight, an anonymous tipster commented "Everyone is looking for Joey" and offered this link:

That link leads you to this article and this photo:
Sunshine Coast RCMP are requesting assistance from the public in the capture of Deleriyes Cramer wanted for seven warrants out of the Lower Mainland. According to Cpl. Steve Chubey, Cramer is alleged to have committed several cheque and fraud related crimes in the Lower Mainland and Fraser Valley, and RCMP believe he has ties to the Sunshine Coast. Chubey said Cramer is suspected of altering the name and/or the amount of cheques before cashing them at local financial institutions. He also has been known to use several aliases including Joe August Cramer, Joe August Deleriyes, Joe August Leighland, and Joe August Deleriyes Cramer. He is 38-years-old, 6’3” (183 cm), 179 pounds (81 kg) with brown hair and brown eyes. Anyone with information to his whereabouts are asked to contact RCMP at 604-885-2266 or Crimestoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS (8477). — Submitted
Accompanying photo:

This is not our Joey Cramer, is it?

This was the compare and contrast we did when we located our erstwhile Navigator in the sporting goods store:

These are not all the same people, are they?

This page goes into detail about various suspects the Royal Mounties are tracking. It says "

"CRAMER, Deleriyes Joe August Born: Aug. 23, 1973 Wanted in connection with File #2011-9051 Wanted for fraud."

When was our friend Joey Cramer born? Let's ask wiki. OH fuck. Wiki is not the most reputable site, because it cites this blog as a source. But it says that Joey Cramer, of Flight of the Navigator, was born on August 23, 1973.

Let's cross reference it with IMDB.

Oh, fuck.

If these facts all correct, then our beloved Joey Cramer now goes by Deleriyes Cramer and he has done some bad things and he is in trouble!

Joey Cramer, or Joe August Cramer, Joe August Deleriyes, Joe August Leighland, and Joe August Deleriyes Cramer -- whatever you're going by right now --

I am sorry if you've fallen onto some hard times. We still love you. Let the starcharts in your head be your guide.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Happiest Face on the Subway

High Street station, Brooklyn.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bex Schwartz, Minister at Large

The ULC wrote a lovely thing about my participation (not just as an organizer) but as a minister during the Pop Up Chapel. Awwwww.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Oh, Tree

There was a tree behind my apartment. I liked to look at it and mark the changing seasons. It was nice to see some green outside of my bedroom window. And then I re-read “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” and I felt even more connected to that tree. My cat liked to watch the birds who lived in its branches and sometimes he would get excited and make hunting noises and click at the birds. This morning I awoke to a man inside that tree, lopping off branches with a chainsaw. We made eye contact as I hurried to pull down the the shade. And now that tree is gone. Why did you cut down my tree, whoever owns the land behind my apartment? I liked that tree a whole lot. It was a lovely maple tree and it was pleasant to lie on my fire escape and read a magazine and watch the sun streaking through its leaves. What did you have against that tree, land owner? Now the people who live behind me have a direct view into my bedroom window. And now there is no tree. The cat and I are both pretty sadtimes about this development. I miss you already, tree.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Dropping Some Science on Your Butt

Did you know? Benadryl (or the generic) and Nytol (or the generic) are the EXACT SAME THING?

They are both Diphenhydramine — typically 25 mg, in the case of Benadryl or Nytol.

Diphenhydramine is the thing in Tylenol PM that makes you sleepy. If you want to take just the sleepy-stuff without the acetominophen, then you take Simply Sleep or Nytol or Unisom or whatever.

When you have itchy eyes or hay fever or you’re sniffy because you stuck your face in a cat, then you take Benadryl. And it usually makes you feel sleepy. BECAUSE IT IS THE EXACT SAME THING AS THE SHIT YOU TAKE TO GO TO SLEEP.

So if you are sleepy, you could actually just take Benadryl. And if you are itchy, you could actually just take Simply Sleep. Because they are THE SAME.

And here is one more exciting bit of science — Diphenhydramine is ALSO Dramamine:
“The effects of dimenhydrinate are very similar to those of diphenhydramine. The main differences are a lower potency, and a longer latency. 50 mg dimenhydrinate contains 27.2 mg of diphenhydramine, so it is less potent at equal doses. Also, dimenhydrinate must dissociate into diphenhydramine and its counterion in the body before it is active, so it produces effects more slowly than diphenhydramine. The drug typically takes a minimum of 4 hours to fully take effect.”
See? Dramamine is is Dymenhydrinate which turns into dyphenhydramine so it makes you less sleepy but still has that sedative effect, which is why your mom gave you so much Dramamine on car trips and airplane rides so you’d just pass out instead of crying and humiliating her in front of all the other nice passengers flying to Florida to see their grandparents.

Maybe you already know this? I just learned this on Saturday night when a good friend of mine BLEW MY MIND by revealing that Benadryl is Simply Sleep. I wanted to share.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Tickling my new best friend, Blimp.


When you are being a blimp pilot, it is important to study your maps so you can plot your way to your office building and say hi to all your work friends.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Pop Up Chapel Love from Logo!

Love you, Logo!

A supercute video of Pop Up Chapel

Awwwwww. Those with eagle eyes will spot several of your favorite tumblr-ers in the background.

PS I can't believe none of you told me those mic packs were affixed to my bra. HOT.

Mazel Tov to John and Jay

I am not going to work today so I can do all the other things I haven't done for the last month. This photo is making me happy.

photo from L Magazine

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Hello! Are you a famous superstar?

Would you like to speak or sing (with your own accompaniment) at POP UP CHAPEL on Saturday? Pleeeeeease? 7/30, Merchants' Gate at Central Park. Somewhere between 11 and 6ish.

hit me at bex AT popupchapel DOT com.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Pop Up Chapel - updates

Our site is updated!

Save the date! Saturday, July 30th! Merchants' Gate, Central Park! 10am - dusk!

Check out all the press we've received!

Anyone have any xanax?

KIDDING, KIDDING (not really.)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Magical Scallions

Once upon a time, I was watching Next Food Network Star and Melissa d’Arabian said that a good money-saving trick was to put the white end-bits of your scallions into a glass of water, because your scallions would magically regrow! (Without being planted in dirt or anything!)

I do this all the time now, but whenever I share my Magic Scallion trick, people are always shocked. So I wanted to share: these are scallions growing in glasses of water in my bedroom (next to the catnip. don’t ask). These scallions were cut down to their endy-bits just a week ago, when I used them for garnish on Bittman’s recipe for cold sesame noodles (modified with tofu and extra chili paste). And now: behold, they are scallions anew!

Just make sure the water level stays at the top of the glass, and change the water if it gets narsty.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Pop Pop!

1). Have you seen the new Pop Up Chapel site? It is TO DIE FOR.
1a). Follow us on twitter!
1b). Like us on facebook!
 2. Are you an architect? Do you know any architects? Maybe they would like to enter this competition! Because Architizer is THE BEST and I love them so much.
9 days left
On Friday, June 24th, 2011, Governor Cuomo signed the historic legislation legalizing same-sex marriage in New York. The bill becomes a law on July 24th, 2011. Now it’s time to get married. Pop-Up Chapel with is hosting a day-long marriage ceremony in Central Park. They are providing the wedding, the photographer, the officiant and the cupcakes, now all they need is a chapel! Architizer and The Knot are asking designers to submit designs for two temporary structures to be erected for the day long ceremony.
heh heh. “erected.” heh heh.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

July 30th is Popping Up All Over

Oh goodness gracious, Pop Up Chapel hits the big league (chew) with coverage in The Observer!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Treat Buckets With Bobby

Chatting with Bobby Finger at the end of a long work day.

We're internetfriends/workfriends!

(Based on Bobby's tumblr about a "chocolate snack pack" in the office fridge.)

Bex: DUDE. what is a chocolate snack pack? and why is it in the fridge?   

Bobby: it's just pudding. but it's the best pudding because it has the best name 

Bex: why is it called a SNACK PACK? a pack of snacks? i see no pack


Bex: i see a ... a tub? SNACK TUB

Bobby: WOULD YOU EAT A TUB? i only eat packs. 'tub' makes you feel like a tub.

Bex: i guess tubs are full of gross things. a tub of margarine.

Bobby: packs make you feel like you have a six pack. aka you're healthy.

Bex: do they come in vanilla?

Bobby: they come in all the traditional pudding flavors 

Bex: is pudding a snack? i always thought it was more of a treat. a snack is like some goldfish crackers 

Bobby: a snack is any small serving of a food that isn't considered an entree. like you can snack on fries. but you couldn't snack on a burger. a treat is a bite-sized version of a dessert. ok so maybe snack pack should be in the treat bucket. i'm writing these rules and contradicting myself. they're treat packs. you're right. they're basically treat tubs. 

Bex: wait. i think the snack pack should be called a treat bucket. i think you just named it 

Bobby i'm convulsing right now. treat bucket. 


Bobby: omg. i'd buy them 

Bex: why does that make me feel so dirty? i'd buy them and strap them to my face like a feedbag. "i'm sorry, i can't talk to you right now, i am busy enjoying my treat bucket." 

Bobby: "hold my calls" "r'ohm rorry, rah canghtralkyourow. riamburryenroyingmyreatbrucketrrrrrr" 

Bex:  snerk. now i want a treat bucket SO BAD. let's go steal the one in the fridge. 

Monday, June 27, 2011


OMG, best weekend ever, right? I am still slightly drunk (I think) from celebrating MARRIAGE EQUALITY so very hard!

So -- hugetastic news:

Some friends and I have been hard at work on NYC's first Pop Up Chapel. From our site:

On Saturday, July 30th, the first weekend after same-sex marriage becomes legal, we will host New York City’s first pop-up chapel in Central Park (or a designated space, if interest outpaces capacity.)

We provide the wedding! And the photographer! And the officiant! And witnesses! And cupcakes! And music! And everything you’ve always dreamed of! A free and legal wedding... We will perform your wedding ceremony, sign your license, and process the paperwork.
Please check out our site, and follow us on twitter, and like us on the facebook.

Also, we need your help! Want to volunteer? Want to sponsor us? Want to provide cupcakes? Play guitar? Set up the altar? Provide flowers? PLEASE let me know! You can email me at:
Bex AT

Look! Gothamist is already covering us!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Do you want to get married?

(Not to me, per se. To the person you love).

If you want to get married, especially once it becomes legal for EVERYPERSON TO GET MARRIED in NYC, I have the power to wed you. Here, in my fingertips. For I am an ordained minister with the ULC, and I am legally registered with the City of New York as a wedding officiant.

You just need to be very much in love and excited about getting married, and then you'll just need to get a marriage license. I will do whatever sort of ceremony you'd like. (You want some Hebrew? Sure thing. You want an original song parody about your relationship? I can do that, too. You want the whole thing to rhyme? SURE THING. You want it to be Star Wars themed? OKAY! You'd like your wedding to be all interfaithedly atheistic? GOOD THING, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL. You'd like to enter the ceremony riding an elephant? YOU WILL NEED TO FIND THAT ELEPHANT.)

The point being: if you want to get married, I will ordain your wedding. I will sign your marriage license with my very special New York City wedding officiant information and then I will send your license to the city clerk and they will process it, and then you will be all married and shit like that.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


All I want in the world is to take a bath with a bear.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Real Talk with the Captain

I’m so sorry. I have made myself laugh so hard that I am crying my eye makeup off. And then every time I stop laughing, I look at this and then I laugh again. I am just sitting here WEEPING. WEEPING. WEEPING. Maybe it's because I was awake until 6am, but this is the funniest thing I have ever written.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

My Parents are SO FAMOUS

My parents are SO FAMOUS! They’re on a fancypants website!
Hearts and stars to Eliot Glazer!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Pretty Pretty Rob Lowe

This morning, I tweeted at Rob Lowe to tell him that he does not know what “glass ceiling” means and he is TOTALLY IGNORING ME and giving me the ROB LOWE SILENT TREATMENT and I am literally sobbing.

Also, after I tweeted at him, I spent about 5 hours worrying that he was making a joke about the glass ceiling that I just didn’t grok, until I realized (I think) that Rob Lowe just doesn’t know what “glass ceiling” means.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Louder Than A Bomb

Go see my friend Greg's movie! If you like teenagers and you like slam poetry and you like Chicago! It's playing at the IFC Theater here in NY right now! You are a fool if you miss this.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Not If I See You First, Andrew Smiley!

I saw this spot on TV and I was like “WAIT, WHAT?”

Andrew Smiley says “See you next Tuesday.”

And I don’t think he knows? He could have just said “Call us on Tuesdays!” or “We run this promo every Tuesday to teach you about medical malpractice!”

But, noooo. He calls us, collectively, a cunt.

That fucking bastard.

(thanks for posting it, youtuber Imbeccable!)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Friday, May 06, 2011

O, What a Beautiful Morning

This morning, as I was still clinging tenaciously to the remaining threads of a delicious dream, Panda Boo puked all over me and my bed. And it was so gross and so warm and so gooshy that I involuntarily puked all over the cat, and myself, and the bed. We were both covered in puke! Me and my cat, with so much puke in our fur! So I put me and the cat into the shower, and then I cleaned the sheets and dropped them off with the nice lady who does my laundry and asked her to bleach them to high holy heaven. WHAT A MORNING. 

Monday, May 02, 2011

Best Commercial Ever

My superpal Peter is the star of what I believe to be the greatest commercial ever.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Robyn Documentary, You Guys!

There is a documentary about Robyn on youtube! I love her so much! I want to cuddle her! I want to be the outside spoon, and believe me, I never want to be the outside spoon. But I would be the outside spoon if I were cuddling Robyn,

(via Diego!)

(I don't want to cuddle the 11-year-old Robyn, that would be creepy. But check her out!)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Friday, April 22, 2011

Come to the BIG QUIZ THING on Monday!

MONDAY—APRIL 25—7:30pm

The trivia game show that you get to play!

in big, big cash prizes...
plus much, much more

With video puzzles including…
One Letter Apart

And the audio round…
Rock, Paper, Scissors

...and more, including the LIGHTNING ROUND, SMART-ASS POINTS and the big buzzermongous THREE-WAY FINALE!

Quizmastered by Noah Tarnow
With EDP
Special guest sidekick Bex Schwartz!

at a new location…
52 Walker Street (between Broadway and Church Street)
7:30pm / $10

More details at
More trivia! @bigquizthing

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Bieber Boober Doobie Bieber

Happy Passover again!

Here is the Happy Passover card I made for you last year when I was out of my mind with a sinus infection.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Kittycat! PANDA.

It took about 20 refreshes, but this one is clearly the epitome of all my tweetings.

So Very Obsessed With This Today

Friday, April 08, 2011

Who Blank the Dogs Out?

Funtimes in Atlanta!

During some downtime in Ye Olde Shriners’ Temple, we somehow started talking about “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Oh! Because we were talking about crosswords for stupid people, like ones in People. (Crosswords for stupid People). And once there was a clue that went “Who ___ the Dogs Out.”
So we wanted to come up with all the other possible 3-letter words that fit in there. Who blank the dogs out?

*Who set the dogs out?
* Who put the dogs out?
* Who sat the dogs out?
* Who got the dogs out?
* Who had the dogs out?
* Who met the dogs out?
* Who bid the dogs out?
* Who fed the dogs out?
* Who kit the dogs out?
* Who pet the dogs out?
* Who ran the dogs out?
* Who saw the dogs out?
* Who won the dogs out?
and my own personal favorite:
* Who ate the dogs out?

Thursday, April 07, 2011

My Parents Were Awesome

Oh, hello! I wrote an essay about my mom and dad for Eliot Glazer's new book "My Parents Were Awesome." You should buy a copy! My essay is on page 78! And all my friends' essays are so good! I haven't finished the entire book yet because I get verklempt when I read it, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY endorse the idea that you should buy this book for your mom for mother's day or for your dad for father's day or just in general, because, you know, love your parents!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Out Goes The Thumb and The Food Goes In

Panda Boo does not want to eat his kittycat food! Perhaps this is because he is a cat but I call him Panda Boo. Maybe he is confused! Maybe he wants to eat bamboo instead. I have tried singing to him but so far I have not stumbled upon the proper song.

Because EVERYONE has a song that gets him or her to eat, right?

I mean, all of you wouldn’t eat unless someone sang a VERY SPECIAL song to you, right?

I used to suck my thumb and I didn’t ever want to stop sucking my thumb, not even to eat. So my dad used to sing this song to me, although I misremembered the lyrics so thankfully he corrected them via facebook:
“Out goes the thumb and the food goes in, the food goes in, the food goes in. Out goes the thumb and the food goes in —- down in Becky’s tummy.”
(lyrics copyright 1978 by R. Schwartz)
So, you know, when I get all eating disordery, as I am wont to do, you could try just singing this to me. I will teach you the tune.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Life-Altering DVR Compensation

Maybe you already know how to improve your DVR viewing experience by changing the settings on your remote, but if you don’t, let me share my joyful discovery with you!

You know how when you’re watching TV and you fastforward through the commercials and then hit play when you see the show again? But after you stop fastforwarding and hit play, your remote dumps you backwards and you have to watch the end of the Progessive Insurance spot or the Outsourced promo?

You can tell your remote not to do that!

If you hit “settings” on your remote and go to the “Display” tab, you will see something called DVR Compensation. Tell your cable box that you want “less.” (I tried it with “none” and I am so used to the remote backwards bump that it threw me off. Just a little bit of the remote backwards bump is perfect.) Life changing! And you’ll probably save 3 minutes or so per show.

Monday, March 14, 2011

dot dot dot And I Feel Fine

When I was 8, there were two things I loved more than anything in the world:

1) Weird Al Yankovic
2) The Monkees

Every morning, I listened to Weird Al as I got ready for school. And every afternoon (when I didn't have to go to stupid hebrew school), I would watch The Monkees. I was also madly in love with both Mike and Mickey. First I had a crush on Mike, and then it went to Mickey, and then back to Mike, in a never-ending vacillation between the (clearly) best Monkees. (Sorry, Davy and Pete fans! They just don't do it for me).

One night at the dinner table, my dad asked me and my brother what our ideal concert would be.

"WEIRD AL! WEIRD AL!" we shrieked.

And then he asked us who our second favorite band was.


When my dad has very special information to share, he does this thing where he sort of angles one shoulder up and then shifts that shoulder down and brings the other shoulder up. He does this whenever he is trying draw out suspense.

"What if I told you," (shoulder shift) "That we were going to go to a concert at Great Adventure" (shoulder shift) "and we were going to see Weird Al" (shoulder shift) "AND The Monkees?"

To this day, I recall the frisson of almost agonizing joy. WEIRD AL AND THE MONKEES? IN CONCERT? IN NEW JERSEY? Dreams do come true.

I could tell you about how we ate lunch at the theme park and my dad held a Schwartz Family meeting to announce that it was very important that we were a Weird Al type of family because so many people who were also at Great Adventure were just there to see The Monkees.

I could also tell you how as we were leaving, my dad said hi to someone and the rest of us were like "What was that?" and he said, "Oh, Weird Al" and then we chased after him and he signed autographs for us and I told him he was my hero and I sang all of my own parodies (for of course, at age 8, I was writing song parodies like a motherfucker) to him and he listened patiently and then shook my hand and I swore I would never wash it again.

But the point of this story is that sometimes two things you love end up all smushed together like chocolate-and-peanut-butter.

And sometimes, two things you love end up all smushed together and it is more like crunchy-frog-and-nougat.

And that would be Julee Cruise singing R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It."

You're welcome!

Thursday, March 10, 2011


My tummy hurts so much there is nothing to do but watch baby pandas in a baby panda skirmish. Baby panda free for all!

The little baby panda fighting noises are the best.


Monday, March 07, 2011

Radio Song

If you like R.E.M., or if you like me, and if you'd like to hear me talking about how much I like R.E.M., you could listen to Newtown Radio today from 4-6pm. I will be gushing over R.E.M.'s new album, "Collapse Into Now," which is fucking fantastic.

Speaking of the radio, this is what KRS-One and Michael Stipe were thinking in 1991:
Check it out --
What are you saying?
What are you playing?
Who are you obeying?
Day out day in?
Baby, baby, baby, baby
That stuff is driving me crazy
DJs communicate to the masses
Sex and violent classes
Now our children grow up prisoners
All their lives radio listeners
So, um, set yourself free, I guess, and listen to internet radio? Radio Free Internet?
I'll stop now.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Look at that bum over there! He's down on his knees!

True story: The first time I went to LA for work I made a mix CD with this song on it 20 times in a row. Okay, it wasn’t a mix. It was 20 tracks of “I Love LA.” And, whatever, I could have just pressed repeat but I am very nervous when I am driving and I thought making a CD with 20 tracks of “I Love LA” made more sense than trying to press repeat while making a left turn (because left turns are THE WORST, as we know).

Also, once I went to San Francisco for work and I made a CD with “We Built This City” on it, 20 times in a row, and I played it while driving over the Golden Gate Bridge AND while driving down Lombard street, because, shut up, I am awesome. Then I left that CD in the rental car so the next person to get the rental car could share the joy.

"An American Christian. GOD DAMN."

Going to see Randy Newman tomorrow night! Because I love The Hold Steady, and Robyn, and Randy Newman because people be RANDOM with their musical tastes, yo. I hope he plays Dixie Flyer, because it is my favorite, although I am worried (A lot. I am VERY VERY VERY worried) that I am going to cry during this concert, because when Randy Newman touches my heart strings, he touches them very  very hard.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Wednesday Night Teevee

This is on teevee tonight! Of course, it is on at the same time as Survivor, Top Model, and Idol, so you will have to record a repeat (and you will also have to watch Survivor on primetime on demand because you need to record Idol because you can’t watch it on primetime on demand or itunes, and you have to watch Top Model on Wednesday nights with your gay friends because that is the rules).

Thought you might like to know!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Like it or Lump it

I just informed a friend that he has to watch American Idol with me this season, like it or lump it.

And then I was worried that he might choose “lump it,” because I am not entirely certain what “lump it” consists of as an option.

Then I realized that, in my head, “lump it” meant that one of us would end up with a bowl of oatmeal on his or her head. Because oatmeal has lumps, I guess? When I was a tiny person, my dad would feed me oatmeal by making a tidal wave out of it (this is a thing parents do to feed their children oatmeal? Maybe?) and I, apparently (because I do not remember because I was a tiny baby) used to snort the oatmeal lumps. Like how people who do blow might do a bump off their hand where the thumb meets the other fingers and if you drew a face on that part, you’d have Senor Wences  — I would snort oatmeal lumps. Bumps of oatmeal lumps. Oatmeal lump bumps.

And then I secondarily realized that I was conflating “like it or lump it” with “eat it or wear it” from Judy Blume’s Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing in which Fudge dumps a bowl of cereal over his head.

So now I am sort of aware that “like it or lump it” does not mean that “lump it” implies dumping a bowl of oatmeal over one’s head, but I don’t think I’ll ever quite be able to separate that image from the phrase.

This is how my brain works! Aren’t you so glad you don’t live with neural pathways like these?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Pandaboo is NSFW

My cat likes to show off his naughty bits when he sleeps. He is NSFW.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ooh Nana

(this has been in my head since Sunday Night)

And also:

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Consomme Panchi


This all makes much more sense now.

Magical Giant Silken Dog Thing of Awesomeness

What is the magical silken dog beast thing?  I don't know, but when it dances with the plates, it is the best thing ever in the world.

My new internet-friend Freecocaine posted this as a gif and told me that it originally said "Inception," so I started looking for an Inception dog gif and I am pleased as punch that I found this amazing nugget of Panchi (sp?) joy.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Bears are the new kittens

thing I just wrote for work:
“… Everyone loves bears. Bears are the new kittens. You can quote me on that.”

Saturday, February 12, 2011

My reel! Music videos! Mockumentary

I made a semi-pro-looking website for you to see my work. It's only about 5 years overdue.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Howdy Howdy Howdy

Not a day goes by that I don't think about this Far Side cartoon.

Monday, January 31, 2011

"Good Bear Joke"

I spent the entire weekend lying in bed because my brain was exploding out of my face. Seriously. I was half convinced — well, more than half — that there were alien eggs erupting out of my sinus cavities. My kitty was so confused why I was lying in bed all weekend long making whimpering noises, instead of doing Disco Abs or whatever else I normally do on the weekends. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. Like, the sort of pain where you’re sure it will be like that forever. It’s not like when you break your big toe (which I have done) and it  hurts like a motherfucker, but your brain can still function. When you have a combo migraine/sinus infection and there are auras around everything (especially the cat, who makes “mep” noises all the time) and it hurts to think or even to open one’s eyes, your brain stops functioning. Thusly. Apparently, at 4am last night, I wrote a joke in my pain-induced delirium and emailed it to my work email address, because I am just that awesome. Would you like to read it? Of course you would.
subject: good bear joke
Bear walks into a bar, and says “Hi, I’m a bear and my name is Nate.” Bartender says “Hi, Bear Nate!” and the bear instantly curls into a ball and goes to sleep.
That is some FANCYPANTS delirious humorjoking there, my friends.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dear Snow

Dear Snow!

It is ten minutes after midnight here in the Spain and I am supposed to wake up in 6 hours to take the train to the airport (aereporto, maybe, I don't know, I don't speak this language) and I understand you are battering the Northeast, so here is my request: If you are going to snow real fucking hard, please snow REAL FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW so that Delta will know waaaaay in advance that we cannot possibly land at JFK at 12:35pm so they'll Flight Notification me and then I can sleep later than 6am and spend more time walking around the city (despite the re-broken toe thing that happens whenever I travel and walk around for 8 hours a day) rather than spending the entire day at the airport.

Alternately: don't snow at all! And then I can just get on my flight!

But if you are going to Bitch Snow, please Bitch Snow the fuck out of right now so that the airline can call an audible (that is a sports term, right?) and let me know very soon that my flight will be delayed because spending the day in the airport, which is filled with ham, will like totes fer sure harsh my mellow. Also, circling NYC, if there is a lot of Bitch Snow, will make me anxious like in that Die Hard movie when Bonnie Bedelia knows they have been circling for too long and is worried they will run out of fuel. I would not even get Alan Rickman in trouble, would that were the case.

thank you!

your friend,


Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Monday, January 03, 2011

My boss and I were just discussing the song. I learned it from a friend who went to Reform Jewcamp where they were allowed to sing in English (at my more serious  Jewcamp, we were only allowed to sing in Hebrew. HARDFUCKINGCORE) about 25 years ago and I haven't thought about this song since then, and yet I still know all the words. And so should you.
Wherever you go there's always someone Jewish
You're never alone when you say you're a Jew
So when you're not home
And you're somewhere kind of 'newish'
The odds are--don't look far--
'Cause they're Jewish, too.
 It would be nice if everytime I felt alone, I was just like "YO, I'M A JEW!" and suddenly my apartment would be filled with friends, like in that story about the guy with the magical table and he says "Little table, get set!" and suddenly his table is magically filled with dishes and food. I guess I'd need to be more like "YO, I'M A CULTURAL JEW BUT I AM ACTUALLY AN ATHEIST ALTHOUGH LOOK AT MY NOSE AND HOW I TALK WITH MY HANDS AND ALSO I AM SO LOUD" to be more truthful. Anyhoo.