BEX: look at me, i'm a baby panda
JOSH: awesome. AWESOME.
JOSH: a baby panda, if trussed up properly, would make an awesome pillow
JOSH: soon i will be riding a panda 2-wheeler without training seals
JOSH: get it? training seals?
BEX: BWA HA HA
JOSH: wait... holyshit, my joke doesn't even work at all
BEX: training seals?
JOSH: because pandas DON'T LIVE IN THE ARCTIC
JOSH: way to go, JOSH
BEX: polar bears do
JOSH: GOD I'M SO STUPID
BEX: pandas live in china
BEX: where they can eat bamboo
BEX: not seals
BEX: You done got bamboozled
JOSH: i've got polar bears on the brain
BEX: better than having polar bears on your ass
JOSH: because i got an awesome new coat
BEX: made out of baby harp seals?
JOSH: no, unfortunately
JOSH: it's a big white parka
JOSH: with fur
BEX: polar bear fur
JOSH: and it's totally kick-awesome
JOSH: no, probably not polar bear fur
BEX: “kick-awesome” is awesome
JOSH: or even real fur
BEX: you're safe from paint-throwers
JOSH: but you see: the parka is white
JOSH: so i was thinking "this parka would be awesome @ the south pole... but no! it is white, and i would never be rescued, because it blends in with the tundra!"
JOSH: but then i thought: "what if i'm not lost in the tundra? what if i'm being a polar bear and eating seals? then, this parka allows me to hunt my prey without detection!"
JOSH: so really, it's a great coat
BEX: if you are lost in the arctic and BEING a polar bear, you're set
BEX: does this happen often?
JOSH: if i decide to move to the arctic and live off of seals, penguins, and hapless explorers, it will
JOSH: they had baby polar bears at the zoo one time, and one of them ate a bee
BEX: Did he freak out?
BEX: I ate a bee
JOSH: he didn't freak out
JOSH: did you freak out?
BEX: I did
BEX: and my tongue got swollen
BEX: it hurt
BEX: i wish i could see a polar bear eat a bee and then do the i-have-a-bee-inside-me-dance
JOSH: my white fur helps me blend in with my surroundings
BEX: hi, baby polar bear!
JOSH: and my broad, flat paws distribute my weight, allowing me to walk across thin layers of ice
JOSH: i chewed my way through a plastic tub at the zoo, and wore it as a helmet!
JOSH: i totally beat Robert Scott to the south pole, but i let him take the credit
JOSH: because i'm so cute!
BEX: Once in sixth grade we watched a documentary about these adventurers who went to the North Pole and they all got lead poisoning and left camp carrying only curtain rods and an old duck
JOSH: was the duck cooked? or alive and just elderly?
JOSH: and if he was alive, who brings a live duck to the south pole?
JOSH: assuming they weren't lead-poisoned when choosing their provisions
JOSH: i couldn't find any mention of curtain rods
JOSH: but this website) says:
JOSH: Lead is indeed a toxin, but in this case it shouldn't have cause the crew to wear skirts at other times than their Christmas festivities!
JOSH: although i don't know if he means skirts
JOSH: or kilts
BEX: i hope it means petticoats
JOSH: i gotta say, "curtain rods and an old duck" has a ring of fairy tale to it
BEX: i'm just looking for the curtain rod element
BEX: the old duck may be lodged in my head incorrectly
JOSH: it's got a little nursery rhyme to it.
BEX: but definitely the curtain rod bit
JOSH: and now, apparently, women's underwear
JOSH: which no arctic expedition with hopes of success should be without
BEX: where is the skirt bit on the sirjohn page?
BEX: ah. right-scroll.
JOSH: for that matter, no jungle expedition, college road trip, visit to the veterinarian, beer run, or casual sunday stroll should be w/out women's underfrillies
BEX: Mention of curtain rods!
BEX: let's do a new issue of Grail
BEX: entitled Crossing the South Pole with a curtain rod and an old duck
JOSH: to be fair, there are many possible uses for curtain rods in the arctic
BEX: like a ski pole?
JOSH: or a tent post
BEX: a curtain rod, though, instead of tools and blankets?
JOSH: can blankets fend off a hungry polar bear?
BEX: if one blinded the polar bear
BEX: with the blanket
JOSH: not as effectively as a well-placed curtain rod
BEX: over its heads
BEX: why not use a rifle?
BEX: oh wait, you have no rifle. you have a curtain rod.
JOSH: "In the end, the searchers found only scattered skeletons, artifacts, a few cryptic notes and mystery."
JOSH: i'd like to know what the cryptic notes said
BEX: 'i am in love with my curtain rod'
JOSH: "bear so hurty"
BEX: Muglug loves me no longer. i now hurl myself into the narwhal pit
JOSH: "Tell Shackleton he can BITE IT"
BEX: "I miss my feet"
JOSH: South of the cairn, M'Clintock found skeletons of two more crewmen in a lifeboat that was mounted on sledges and crammed with button polish, silk handkerchiefs, curtain rods, a writing desk and other items useless to survival in the Arctic.
BEX: that was part of the documentary
JOSH: The searchers also found the remains of a camp, including tent sites, storehouse, and garbage mound enclosing more than 700 tin cans.
BEX: i am trying to remember where 'old duck' comes from
BEX: their food was stored in lead tins and it made 'em mad
JOSH: mmm, button polish
JOSH: although the page i linked earlier disagrees
JOSH: saying, "Button polish is horrid,"
BEX: Button polish is an aquired taste
JOSH: well, the brits drink it warm, which doesn't help
BEX: It makes it smoother, though. when it cools, it congeals
JOSH: "In the mid 1850's, an expedition led by Sir John Franklin attempted to sail through the cold waters north of Canada trying to reach the pacific. The expedition was a failure and no one survived. When their ships became locked in the ice, they made a futile attempt to reach civilization. The strange thing is what they took with them. Things such as curtain rods and a writing desk. Hard to transport and totally useless in the artic wilderness. Years later researchers found evidence that the cans of food that expedition used were sealed with lead and there was evidence of high amounts of lead in bodies that had been buried. Therefore, it is thought that the crew suffered from lead poisoning, which can make people paranoid and impair their judgment. I mention this story because the first time I heard it I felt sympathy for these people. Imagine trekking though the frozen wilderness not even realizing that you were poisoned by your own food. Talk about bad luck! What chance did these people have when they could not even make rational decisions? I also think this story is an analogy for depression."
JOSH: he means metaphor
BEX: curtains rods : depression :: lead : ?
JOSH: a)the dutch
JOSH: b) weather patterns
JOSH: c) frank lloyd wright, jr.
JOSH: d) reggae
JOSH: correct. please use a #2 pencil and darken the circle completely.
BEX: i wrote a poem about that, whilst taking the CAT test
BEX: Make your mark heavy and dark
BEX: And stay within the lines
BEX: Just do your best
BEX: Upon this test
BEX: And you will come out fine
JOSH: scans well
BEX: scantrons well, too
JOSH: man, we're on fire!
JOSH: oh, so jed's new galpal, (name withheld) of wesleyan '01, totally remembered us once i told her we did GRAIL
JOSH: said she still has the 9 wesleyan archetypes up on her wall
BEX: get out!
BEX: i think about that guy who got so mad
JOSH: yeah, rich kid hippie... i miss him.
BEX: he was SO IRATE
JOSH: we should have dedicated the next issue to him
JOSH: & then had him eaten by a polar bear
BEX: at westco
JOSH: during zonker harris day
BEX: in front of the prefrosh
JOSH: while singing a capella
BEX: and getting people to sign a petition
BEX: and drinking a 40
JOSH: and endlessly intellectualizing our various repressions and neuroses, rather than recognizing or confronting them
BEX: no. we NEVER did that.
BEX: how DOES one go about recognizing and/or confronting them?
JOSH: "i am [junior] and i am going to write a wespeak about how [no one i know gets laid/everyone does drugs/no one cares about their academic performance]"
BEX: no way. not at MY college, no way
BEX: there was NO self righteousness, none
JOSH: i am a baby polar bear!
JOSH: my hollow fur is efficient at trapping heat
JOSH: i wanted to go to Brown
BEX: I am a baby panda! I am both too passive-agressive and too confused about overt sexuality in a post-feminist universe to make a move, so i will bitch and moan about how the couples on campus take up the whole quota of sex so that no one else has any, but secretly, i am relieved
JOSH: can i write that on a napkin to give to women in bars?
BEX: if i get a little c-in-a-circle
BEX: want to be in a band called The Fuck Truck with me?
JOSH: i also think the Fuck Truck is an analogy for depression.
BEX: that's our first album:
BEX: The Fuck Truck is An Analogy for Depression
BEX: (much like frampton comes alive)
BEX: maybe ian will play guitar for us
JOSH: & eat cheese sandwiches like a bird
BEX: i think it's a lot about the cowbell
BEX: and the album cover
JOSH: & the sandwiches
BEX: and the pabst blue ribbon box that you wear on your head
JOSH: jed found PBR in the bottle upstate
JOSH: and bought 4 cases of it
BEX: are you saving it in the curio cabinet?
JOSH: i'm saving it in my liver
JOSH: for future use
BEX: all four cases?
BEX: you can pee back into the empties
JOSH: it's right next to my button polish & that writing desk
BEX: no peeing on my curtain rod
JOSH: no cannibalizing my scurvied crew of gentlemen
BEX: i will eat your dogs
JOSH: who ate my dogs out?
BEX: you have no dogs, you only have mr. tail
BEX: so you have to ask, who ate my pussy out?
BEX: HA HA HA
JOSH: oh, damn!
BEX: if we ever go exploring, let's not even bring curtain rods or button polish. so we're not tempted.
JOSH: but what of the old duck?
BEX: he can come
JOSH: we did promise him
BEX: okay. but he must leave the writing desk (and the raven) at home