Sunday, December 19, 2004

Hey There, Sports Fans!

Just kidding, I wouldn't expect any sports fans to come over. We don't watch sports in this apartment. Except for figure skating. I got to watch skating at the gym yesterday and it was swell. I desperately, desperately want to be a figure skater, just so I can wear the outfits. I tried one on at the Capezio store once and it just looked ridiculous. Apparently, I don't have the right body type to wear those things. My, um, "center of balance" is too large.

Anyhoo. I was trying to go to sleep last night and something kept making this funny noise and as I lay in bed, trying not to obsess about the funny noise, I started thinking like "Oh no, what if it's a bad person climbing up the fire escape?" In Schroedinger's Cat, Robert Anton Wilson writes about this character who's consumed by fear of the "Grinning Sadist:"
He could not bear to be alone at night anymore.
The Grinning Sadist began to haunt him.
This horrifying image had been imprinted upon his neurons by various movies and TV melodramas of the 60s and 70s. The Grinning Sadist invaded your home, sometimes alone and sometimes with a horde of equally moronic and vicious cohorts. You were particularly susceptible if you were blind or a woman or alone at night ... His business was never simply burglary, although that was part of it; his real interest was in humiliation, terror, degradation, torture of the body and spirit. And he always grinned.
And so, of course, I was imagining a Grinning Sadist climbing my fire escape. And then I started thinking about how I'm not the kind of person who would keep in a gun in the bedside table or a knife under my pillow. Which made me think -- maybe I should get a spear? I could just prop it against the wall next to my bed, and that way, if a Grinning Sadist ever managed to crawl through my window (and somehow not tip over the 30 pounds of makeup and beauty paraphernalia on the window sill) and loom menacingly over my bed, I could prod at him with the spear until he crawled back out of the window in dismay.

So then I was thinking about how I would make the spear. I think a steel spear would look too hardcore, so I guess I'd want a long, sturdy stick of bamboo. Then I guess I'd have to carve a spearhead, unless I can buy one at a museum gift shop (along with some tasty astronaut ice cream!). And then I'd have to bind the spearhead to the bamboo using some sort of sinew, but I'd want a pleather sinew because I don't use animal skins. And then I'd probably want to pluck some feathers from my collection of boas so the spear could have aerodynamic details (and some fabulosity, of course). Velocity + fabulosity = velocifabulosity. A velocifabulous velociraptor (did you know that velociraptor means "Speeding thief?") would be a velocifabulosoraptor. Awesome.

If the spear thing doesn't work, I suppose I could always slice off a breast and take up the bow-and-arrow, like the Amazons. And then, I bet I'd look better in one of those skating outfits.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I keep a sword by my bed, personally. Actually, it's more like four swords, but who's counting, right?