Wednesday, January 31, 2007

America, Show Us You're Nuts

So, please read my latest thoughts on American Idol over here, on my Oomph blog.

In short:
American Idol auditions prove mainly that America is full of crazy people who desperately want to be on TV.

Why not eliminate the middleman, and create a show, much like American Idol or America's Got Talent, wherein we go to all sorts of cities and ask people to audition and just us how crazy they are?

They'd basically be competing to see who's America's favoritest crazy-insane person. I'd nominate Margaret Fowler from last night's Birmingham auditions to launch this new show.

Because, MAN, she is hothouse crazy. And, MAN, she wanted to be on TV. So I think we just get all of the crazy-people-who-want-to-be-on-TV to audition, and if they "make it," they get to be on an American Idol-esque show where each week they get on stage and continue to be crazy, and then eventually the winner lands a spot on a sitcom.

And we shall call it:


Tuesday, January 30, 2007


"Chickaboom," by Daddy Dewdrop, is my mother's all time favorite song in the whole entire world. This horrific-yet-somewhat-awesome-because-it's-so-fracking-bad video is for her:

Monday, January 29, 2007

Oh Boy, An All New "All Access'

Yo people! I'm in the new VH1 show "Celeb Showdown 3" that premieres tomorrow (Tuesday, 1/30) at 9pm on VH1. Set your tivo or divo now! There's also a sneak peak at 11am, for those of you who work from home, or have one of those TV watch thingies that Dick Tracy used to wear.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Scandalous Notes

Some brief thoughts on "Note on a Scandal" may be found right here, over yonder on my Oomph blog.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

You're Estelle Getting Me Hot!

Estelle Getty's fitness video for old people + Beyonce = better than anything, even Ezra.

Please to Procure this Cat for Me, Por Favor

My roomie sent me this photo of the world's greatest cat in the whole world, who appears to be playing Zelda (my all time faverave video game).

Please get me this cat. I need to hug it and hold it right this very instant. I'm not so sure that I can function if I don't have this cat (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) as soon as possible. Help! I need this cat! Help!

The BETTER Battlestar Galactica Promo That You Almost Didn't Get To See

So, if you're anything like me -- and odds are good you're at least something like me, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this blog -- you watched the season.5 premiere of Battlestar Galactica and were completely blown away. And then, when you finally remembered that you needed to breathe because you were holding your breath the whole episode, you were SO EXCITED to see the promo for what was happening next week.

I mean, because, MAN, all the stakes have changes (no spoilers here, no worries) and you were SO CRAZY AMPED to find out what the next episode had in store ... and then, the promo for next week was about one little storyline about which you don't care, because, sure, the love triangle (quadrangle?) is intriguing, but it's nothing about the mythology or the final five or what not.

Well, my friends, have I got a treat for you. The genius writer/producer behind the Battlestar Galactica promos (this person is not me, by the way. I work for VH1, don't you forget. This other writer/producer is working for Sci Fi) cut another spot promoting next week's show. An amazing, intense, I'm-forgetting-to-breathe kind of spot. The ending of which will blow your fucking mind.

By now you are all ants-in-the-pants, demanding to know where you can see the other/better promo, the one that whets your appetite and teases your senses into a state of heightened emotion.

I shall share with you! If you go to the Battlestar Galactica website and look to the bottom right, you will see an image that looks like this:

If you click "play," that will show you the slightly-not-so-awesome promo about the love triangle (quadrangle).

But, if you look above the video, you will notice several thumbnails: the first one is Apollo, and the 2nd one appears to be Gaius Baltar screaming in pain. If you click that 2nd thumbnail, this image will appear:
And all I can say is: play that mofe'ing video RIGHT NOW, friends. And wait til the very end, just wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A Burning Question

Why, oh why, am I incapable of falling asleep before 3am whenever I sleep at my own house? Because when I sleep at my boo's, I instantly pass out into the velvet sea of at least 8 hours of slumber. Also, his bedroom is dark and womblike and he has very comfy pillows and down-filled comforters of joy. My bedroom is dark-ish, and it's red, and I have lovely bedding that shimmers in the right light. But when I try to sleep here, I find myself awake until odd hours of the night. Possibly because my bed is next to a window, and that window overlooks an alley, and that alley is filled with Mexican restaurant workers who bang loud metal objects together and shout. I should add: they are workers at a Mexican restaurant, which does not necessarily mean that they are of Mexican descent. No racist implications here, I assure you. However, no matter their ethnic background, these surely-underpaid restaurant employees are very loud. And then there are the garbage trucks. Oh, the never-ending stream of garbage trucks. And the cars with their pimped out stereo systems blasting music so loud that I can only hear the bassline. And sometimes the kitties think it's fun to jump on my furniture and knock things over. I try to keep breakable objects away in cabinets, but they love nothing more than to knock my hair products off the shelf, one by one. And I have a very great number of hair products because I have problem hair. And they simply love to bat things with their little kitty paws. Just last week, one kitty knocked over my roomie's lamp. I heard the crash and assumed I was hallucinating (again), but just like that noxious smell was really real, the crashnoise was really real and the final score is Kitties: 1, Touch lamp: 0.

So, because I can't sleep, and I don't want to start doing any real writing because that will keep me up all night, and if I start reading, I'll be up til dawn, I am scouring youtube for things I recall with fond nostalgia. Which is why I'm looking for this old commercial for Mr. Bubble, wherein the jingle singers sang, "You can be a bubblehead - with Mr. Bubble!" Because when I was a kid, at the town pool, for one brief glorious summer, whenever someone jumped off the diving board, the person about to jump would cry out: "You can be a bubblehead!" And the rest of the kids waiting on line for the diving board would reply "With Mr. Bubble!" I should add that I often found myself waiting in this very same line, and then my turn would come and I would climb up and walk out to the end of the diving board, which was always somewhat slippery and frightening, and I'd get to the end of the diving board, and I'd look down and find myself paralyzed with fright, and I'd walk back to the safety of the cement and de-mount the diving board.

A few years later, I managed to jump of the diving board. But I would still approach the end with trepidation and then I would pause and attempt to jack-knife my body into the diving position, and then I would try and try and try to work up the courage to enter the pool head-first, and I would freak out, and just jump in and pretend that nothing weird had happened.

To this day, I have still never dived (dove?) into a pool, or a lake, or an anything. Although once I did go balls to the wall and I jumped off a cliff into a quarry, but that required about 15 minutes of coaxing from my friends, and a dependency on the "balls to the wall" mantra of awe.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Forsooth! What Would A Unicorn Do?

I can't live without this nugget of goodness. It's a folder. A folder with a spinner atop the front. A spinner that tells you what a unicorn would do. You know, like let's say I'm about to punch a wall -- I could consult my WWUD spinner and it would tell me to frolic in a meadow. So, lo, I'd go frolic in a meadow. It's the logical solution. And perhaps you'd like to frolic with me? Oh yes. What fun we shall have, frolicking in the meadow. Deliciouso!

(Fret not, one of these folders is already winging its way to my hot little hands. Oh, I can't wait! Oh! My friends Sue and Chris have one of these folders and I saw it at their house on Saturday, and I fell instantly in love with it and knew I had to have one. At once! But I didn't steal theirs. Get yours, today!)

Shameless Cross-self-Promotion

Hey there, tigers. I just blogged about how former-Survivor JP is about to out himself on the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency show on the Oxygen. Read all about it right here -- and then join my Oomph blog and send me a message with your address in it and we'll send you a FREE two-DVD set of the first season of the JanDickModelingAgency. But don't reply here! You have to do it via the Oomph.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Hands-Free Dog Poo Catcher!

This easy-breezy dog poo catcher is the greatest invention ever. Today -- your dog can poo directly into a plastic bag that you can then fold up and deposit into a carrying case atop your dog's back. Tomorrow -- fixing the Middle East.

Do watch the video. It is beautiful and oh-so-enlightening.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Strawberry Cough

I saw "Children of Men" for the 2nd time last night. And I will probably see it a third time. Since my first viewing was on our (admittedly, HD) television, I wanted to see it projected in a theater. And it's even more breath-taking. Since I already knew the story, I was able to concentrate on the minor details and the attention paid to the set dressing and art department -- and, more importantly, I could revel in those insanely long and amazing takes. And give thanks to Cuaron for being so fucking kickawesome and making all the right choices.

So, of course, today I can't stop thinking about the movie -- for a change. And look what I have learned! Strawberry Cough is for real! It produces a euphoric, anti-anxiety high -- presumably, just the right type of buzz for living in a future-less dystopia.

Also, if you stick around for the entire credits, the final words on screen (and, this is not a spoiler, so don't freak on me) are "Shanti Shanti Shanti." If you've seen it, you know that Miriam and Kee and Jasper chant "Shanti" through the movie -- presumably because it's a sanskrit mantra for inner peace. However, if, like me, you became somewhat unhealthily obsessed with T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland" in high school, you will also recognize "Shantih Shantih Shantih" as the very last line of the poem, closing out the "What the Thunder Said" section.
I sat upon the shore
Fishing, with the arid plain behind me
Shall I at least set my lands in order?

London Bridge is falling down falling down falling down

Poi s'ascose nel foco che gli affina
Quando fiam ceu chelidon—O swallow swallow
Le Prince d'Aquitaine à la tour abolie
These fragments I have shored against my ruins
Why then Ile fit you. Hieronymo's mad againe.
Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.

Shantih shantih shantih

Even in the seeming apocalyptic wasteland of Children of Men, there's still hope for inner peace?

Sho nuff.

Also, I am a flaming optimist hippie who hides beneath the veneer of cynicism and sarcasm.

Schadenfreude to the Extreme

Some random musings on American Idol can be found right here, over yonder on my Oomph blog.

Also, last week I went out with some awesome people and as we were walking to bar, we discovered a Christmas Tree On Fire!

A Christmas Tree On Fire is very much like a Girlfriend In A Coma, btw. I know, I know, it's serious.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I Need A Panda Hug and Kiss

(get it? a panda hug and kiss? ha?) but for reals (not farina), my little brother sent me the most amazing panda video (and we all know I love panda videos) EVER.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Ou Sont Les Dinner Dances?

Not to get all George Carlin on you, but you know what you don't hear a lot about anymore?

Dinner Dances.

When I was a kid, my parents were always (or, at least twice a year) getting dressed up to go out to a Dinner Dance, usually of the corporate (environmental engineers party hard!) or synagogue function (jews party harder!) variety.

I have never, unless I've blacked it out, been to a Dinner Dance. Do they still exist?

Hobbitises Reunited With the One Ring To Rule Us All

This little tidbit from Defamer's PrivacyWatch warms the very cockles of my heart:
... flying Virgin Airways from L.A. to London today (Weds. Jan. 10th.) Always thought the guy might be gay, but -- no friggin' way -- he was sucking face with a nice, head-taller-than-him short-haired brunette in the VIP lounge and then throughout the flight. The lovebirds even shared the same lie-flat seat (just sleeping; no snogging, it seemed). Appears to be a really nice, down-to-earth guy. At one point during the flight they announced over the P.A. that someone had lost a ring in one of the lavatories. Turns out it was some kid, and the ring was a LOTR souvenir he'd bought in New Zealand. After asking E.W. if it'd be okay, a stewardess brought the kid (newly reunited with his ring) to meet him and get his autograph. Hmmm ... plot line for a sequel? Quick, somebody tell Bob Shaye to bury the hatchet with Peter Jackson.

HOW ADORABLENESS! A little kid was sniveling and whimpering because he lost his precious LOTR souvenir ring, someone retrieved it from the airplane bathroom (possibly after joining the mile high club) and then the little rugrat gets his mind blown when Frodo himself autographs it? And the kid was probably like, "But didn't you throw it the volcano at the first-out-of-four endings of Return of the King?" And it was a scene vaguely reminiscent of the Britney Spears video for "oops i did it again" when the astronaut offers Britbrit the Heart of the Ocean necklace and she says, "But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end?" And the astronaut says, "Yeah, baby. But I went down and got it for you." Jigga what?

Friday, January 12, 2007

Mr. T Says "Treat Your Mother Right"

This might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Please enjoy Mr. T's thoughtful and insisted exhortations to treat your mother right. And then take your mama out all night and show her what it's all about.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Best Cephalopod EVER

MAN! If I could be just one octopus, I would choose to be this octopus.

We all know I'm obsessed with two things:
1) zombies
2) cephalopods.

Can you even imagine if there were to be a zombie cephalopod? I would simply die.

The Huge, Huge Manatee

My little brother sent me this photo. And I am morbidly ashamed and just how delightful I find it.

And, of course, here's the requisite YTMND huge manatee celebration.

More Thoughts on "Children of Men"

Over here, on my Oomph blog!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Best Production Still EVER

... also from my "manstack" shoot. Please note, this is early enough in the day (post car accident) that I'm actually sitting down and icing my banged up knee. I love this photo because it looks so perfectly posed and yet it's completely candid. I'm looking at the monitor, a little bemused that my stack o' men was actually working. Hot cha! Also, please note how very important my boss looks in the background on his phone. It's so wonderful.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

BEST BEST BEST Separated At Birth EVS

Oh my stars and garters, my friends over at Best Week Ever have struck the veritable comedy gold:

Thanks, BWE. You have sent me straight to my happy place where I will think about melted cheese. Verboten but so tasty!

You Know You Love You Some New York

I am pleased as punch that I Love New York premiered last night to kickawesome numbers. So keep watching, because it only gets more faaaaabulous.

To honor this momentous occasion, here is a photo from the "manstack" shoot, taken from high atop the scissor lift by my wondrous DP, Joe A. New York is such a princess; I loves her.

(Yes, yes, the manstack owes oh-so-much to the magic of green screen! All my secrets are revealed!)

Monday, January 08, 2007

Big 'Em Ups to Miss CKC

I think WHITE RAPPER is top notch t-vision. And I have to shout it on out to my girl Miss CKC (aka the brilliant Carolyn Castiglia) for rapping about her post c-section high and tight hoo hoo.

I also loved that guy who rapped in yiddish, but KABANG, here she is in all her awesomeness: Miss CKC:

When It Rained, It Smelled Like Animal Crackers

Post-script to the great stink-off of 07:

I grew up in a small town in the Dirty Jerz called Glen Rock. Glen Rock has many notable features, such as a very large rock, and also a great many beauty salons.
Seriously: look, a really big rock. In the glen. Amazing, right? (Photograph by David Tanner).

Glen Rock also has a large Nabisco plant right on the edge of town. And every time it rains, it smells like animal crackers.

To this day, I am faintly confused when it rains and the downpour hasn't been preceeded by the smell of cookies.

Cookies, might I add, is a highly preferable odor to natural gas.

Ah, Glen Rock. When it rained, it smelled like animal crackers.

(Someone quite younger than I put together a "You Know You're From Glen Rock" thing on the interweb. As much as I'm ashamed to admit it, there apparently is no generation gap in Glen Rock -- we all remember the same things. Beyond the rain/cookies phenomenon, I will always cherish Glen Rock because there were large bushes in the center of town that spelled out G L E N R O C K and every few years, someone would get drunk and head out with a chain saw and alter the bushes so they spelled G L E N F U C K and that is why it was awesome).

(Admittedly, the town was also awesome because if you sneezed on one side of town, someone else on the other side would hand you a tissue. Also, all the gossip in Glen Rock stemmed from the notorious Banana Tree at Kilroy's Wonder Market. The Banana Tree was not a real tree. It was a column covered in astro-turf, from which were hung bunches of bananas. (Photo also by David Tanner.)

SERIOUSLY -- someone give me a sitcom deal, stat.

Breaking News: It Was ZOMBIE Gas!

So, like most Manhattanites, I woke up this morning fearing that my stove was all fucked up and my apartment was filled with gas. However, I also woke up with a total migraine and occasionally when I have a migraine, I have olfactory hallucinations, so I thought I was imagining the whole thing. And then, much to my surprise, my roomie's boss called and told him not to come in to the office, because everyone in the office was freaking out because the whole building smelled like natural gas! It wasn't just my apartment NOR was I hallucinating -- imagine that!

Mayor Bloomberg says that the sensors aren't picking up unusual levels of natural gas, and he claims it's not natural gas we're smelling, but mercaptan - the substance they add to natural gas (which is naturally odorless) to give it an odor so that you can tell when it's leaking into your house (or hallucinations). And, truly, that's an almost acceptable answer - the make all the stinky-enzymes in New Jersey anyway, so it's possible that the mercaptan plant over in "the flavor corridor" had a spill early this morning. But, part of me wants to doubt that, particularly because they never solved the maple-syrup mystery of 2005 (diligent readers will recall that I thought it smelled like Waffle Crisp).

Therefore, I am pretty much convinced that the natural-gas-stinky-epidemic of 07 was actually the first phase of the zombie uprising. I expect to hear a large number of "domestic disturbance" reports on the evening news tonight, and I would be intrigued to know how many people have stumbled into emergency rooms today, claiming that their neighbors or children or spouses somehow bit them. I'm not sayin', but I'm kind of sayin', that if there wasn't really a gas leak and it wasn't terrorists, then it's probably zombies. Personally, I'm sleeping with a pickaxe beneath my pillow tonight. Ain't nobody getting my brains, baby. Ain't nobody.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Children of Men

Briefly, because I'm exhausted, "Children of Men" is the best movie I have seen in a long, long time. Cuaron (and team) created such a terrifying, haunting, and chillingly realistic future (despite the initial premise -- it's improbable, but, hell, so are zombies) that this movie will stay in your psyche for many late nights to come. The dystopian nightmare is so thorough, so thoughtful and so seemingly plausible in so many ways (Qietus, anyone? 2-inch filtered cigarettes? the whole topic of illegal immigrants?) that I am thoroughly shaken, and thoroughly impressed by the film-making.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Hipsterotica Jumps in the Backseat with J Rod

Please do read this entertaining interview with Senor John Roderick of the L-Dubs.

What song did you lose your virginity to?
"Parents Just Don't Understand by Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince. Sorry to say."

Interestingly enough, several of us had the "what were the circumstances of you losing your virginity" conversation the other night. Personally, I don't recall any music playing. But a good friend of mine did the deed to Mr. Mister, which I think is just about the end all and be all of amazing.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Irrationally Obsessed With Zombies

I wrote an essay about my irrational zombie obsession over on my OTHER blog, the pop culture jammy I do for Oomph.

You should read it. And then join Oomph. And befriend me! And we'll be oomphriends!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Looking at the Look Book Avec Moi

Keeping the Gypsies down!


This is quite simply the greatest bird in the entire world. Look out, that dude from Police Academy, this bird is totally gunning for your spot as foley-genius.

(edit: At first, I said the sound fx guy was in Beverly Hills Cop and I was SO WRONG and I am SO ASHAMED, so thank you, anonymous commenter, for fixing my stupidity. That dude is named Office Jones, as played by the esteemed Michael Winslow, who is awesome, and who was also the guy who jammed the radar in Spaceballs. May the Schwartz be with you!)

Post Holidaze Musings

Hello, superfriends. I know that not all of you are fortunate enough to have a TV that's permanently tuned to VH1 blasting a mere two feet away from your heads at all times, but you should know that we're in the midst of an America's Next Top Model MEGA marathon which means we're showing all 7 cycles, nonstop, back to back. As I write this, it's 12:30ish on Wednesday and they're up to the Yaya/Eva cycle when they all first get to Japan. The MEGA marathon airs through Friday, so there are many more hours of elliptical-machine/model-watching to come.

And so! This morning, I shot a new All Access -- it's the latest iteration of "Celeb Showdown." I think it's the 4th celeb showdown in the series. At one point, I said that Matthew McConaughey will never be taken seriously as a real actor until he plays a retard. I totally didn't mean it like that. I meant, he'll never be taken seriously as a real actor until he plays Matt Damon.

And speaking of, have you seen Matt Damon's impersonation of McConaughhey (or, Mocon, as I like to call him): It's ter to the iffic.

Although, of course, we all know Matt Damon really sounds like this.

And so! Isn't 07 awesome so far? It's suspiciously warm out! And they're finally putting Gerald Ford in the ground! And Britney's in rehab already! And also, here are some things I learned about Christmas:
(Don't forget, my boo is of the Xtian persuasion and so, even though I may be a lowly Jew, I get to celebrate Christmas, which everyone knows is far superior to Hanukah, so I'm not even going to explain it).
1) The nativity scene is much better if you re-arrange it so that all the animals are clustered about the baby Jesus. So they can breathe on him and keep him warm. Also, so if baby jesus wakes up in the middle of the night, he can reach up and stroke the velvety soft nose of the donkey and be comforted.
2) soy nog is amazing if it's like 6 parts rum to 1 part soy nog.
3) Christians during Christmas are completely and utterly insane. Krazy Kristians! They have to buy so many presents and wrap them with bows and ribbons and decorations! And they listen to Xmas music 24/7! And they send EARNEST FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARDS featuring their entire families wearing matching outfits! Who are these people? These are the people who vote for American Idol, that's who. I could never send an earnest card for any occasion. Alas, I have the hipster Midas touch -- everything I touch turns sardonic.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Okay, Color me Corrected.

So, it wasn't Liz Taylor. It was Saddam Houssein, and I'm so sorry I missed the boat on that one. I somehow thought it would be later in the month and somehow thus wouldn't qualify for the "always comes in three" death trifectas. So, sorry 'bout that, Ms. White Diamonds.

Now, I totally don't mean this in a mean way, but wouldn't it have been, in a horrible way, TRANSPLENDENTLY interesting, if Britney Spears had actually died instead of merely passing out on New Year's Eve?

Truly, truly, I wish no ill towards Ms. Brit-brit. I love her to pieces. I'm just saying, wouldn't it have been a REALLY INTERESTING WEEKEND if she had, say, passed out into a pit filled with tigers and snakes? Interesting in a HORRIBLE-HORRIBLE way?

Anyway. Onwards and upwards for everyone in 2007. Especially for Britney. Because I wish her only the bestest.

2007 is going to be kickawesome! Because now we're only one year away from 2008! And 2008 will bring with it a whole new era of awesomeness.

And by "awesomeness" I mean "impending zombie revolt."