Monday, January 31, 2011

"Good Bear Joke"

I spent the entire weekend lying in bed because my brain was exploding out of my face. Seriously. I was half convinced — well, more than half — that there were alien eggs erupting out of my sinus cavities. My kitty was so confused why I was lying in bed all weekend long making whimpering noises, instead of doing Disco Abs or whatever else I normally do on the weekends. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. Like, the sort of pain where you’re sure it will be like that forever. It’s not like when you break your big toe (which I have done) and it  hurts like a motherfucker, but your brain can still function. When you have a combo migraine/sinus infection and there are auras around everything (especially the cat, who makes “mep” noises all the time) and it hurts to think or even to open one’s eyes, your brain stops functioning. Thusly. Apparently, at 4am last night, I wrote a joke in my pain-induced delirium and emailed it to my work email address, because I am just that awesome. Would you like to read it? Of course you would.
subject: good bear joke
Bear walks into a bar, and says “Hi, I’m a bear and my name is Nate.” Bartender says “Hi, Bear Nate!” and the bear instantly curls into a ball and goes to sleep.
That is some FANCYPANTS delirious humorjoking there, my friends.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dear Snow

Dear Snow!

It is ten minutes after midnight here in the Spain and I am supposed to wake up in 6 hours to take the train to the airport (aereporto, maybe, I don't know, I don't speak this language) and I understand you are battering the Northeast, so here is my request: If you are going to snow real fucking hard, please snow REAL FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW so that Delta will know waaaaay in advance that we cannot possibly land at JFK at 12:35pm so they'll Flight Notification me and then I can sleep later than 6am and spend more time walking around the city (despite the re-broken toe thing that happens whenever I travel and walk around for 8 hours a day) rather than spending the entire day at the airport.

Alternately: don't snow at all! And then I can just get on my flight!

But if you are going to Bitch Snow, please Bitch Snow the fuck out of right now so that the airline can call an audible (that is a sports term, right?) and let me know very soon that my flight will be delayed because spending the day in the airport, which is filled with ham, will like totes fer sure harsh my mellow. Also, circling NYC, if there is a lot of Bitch Snow, will make me anxious like in that Die Hard movie when Bonnie Bedelia knows they have been circling for too long and is worried they will run out of fuel. I would not even get Alan Rickman in trouble, would that were the case.

thank you!

your friend,


Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Monday, January 03, 2011

My boss and I were just discussing the song. I learned it from a friend who went to Reform Jewcamp where they were allowed to sing in English (at my more serious  Jewcamp, we were only allowed to sing in Hebrew. HARDFUCKINGCORE) about 25 years ago and I haven't thought about this song since then, and yet I still know all the words. And so should you.
Wherever you go there's always someone Jewish
You're never alone when you say you're a Jew
So when you're not home
And you're somewhere kind of 'newish'
The odds are--don't look far--
'Cause they're Jewish, too.
 It would be nice if everytime I felt alone, I was just like "YO, I'M A JEW!" and suddenly my apartment would be filled with friends, like in that story about the guy with the magical table and he says "Little table, get set!" and suddenly his table is magically filled with dishes and food. I guess I'd need to be more like "YO, I'M A CULTURAL JEW BUT I AM ACTUALLY AN ATHEIST ALTHOUGH LOOK AT MY NOSE AND HOW I TALK WITH MY HANDS AND ALSO I AM SO LOUD" to be more truthful. Anyhoo.