Monday, November 23, 2009

Deception Pass!

I am trying to make "Deception Pass" happen. To be used when you've been hoodwinked, swindled, shock 'n' awed, bamboozled, cheated, lied to, or generally psyched out.

The actual Deception Pass is a strait of water between Whidbey Island (not really an island! or something. I am still confused.  DECEPTION PASS!) and Fidalgo Island in Washington, somewhere outside of Seattle (someone else was driving).  Look at this bridge spanning Deception Pass! There ought to be Lost Boys dangling from it, or Sparklevamps playing superbaseball or something.

Anyway, the point being that "Deception Pass" is very fun to say! Like "Man, the sign at Tailor said the kitchen was re-opening in September and now the chef's gone and they will never serve me deliciously weird food ever again." DECEPTION PASS!

Or, you know, like "That boy said he was going to call me and then he NEVER CALLED! Deception Pass!"

Or "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me and lying about it. DECEPTION PASS!"

Or even "Those morningstar corndogs are NOT actually vegan! DECEPTION PASS!"

Use it three times and its yours! Go forth and make it happen. (Please? For me?)

Friday, October 30, 2009

Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good

I had the sads but then I watched this and now I have the happies:

(via Videogum)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"I Know Where the Red Fern Grows" - a poem, by Maya Angelou.

"Where the Red Fern Grows" came up last night and just this afternoon. I don't need to explain it, because you get it -- you remember: dogs, coons (as in actual raccoons), mountain lion, dog heartbreak, red fern. You cried a lot when you read it. Sometimes you are in a lot of pain due to a herniated disc in your neck and these things start to happen:

and then, of course, this eventually happens:

You're welcome.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's not really depression if you still wash your hair, right?

I'm depressed. But, I washed my hair! People on tv who are depressed never wash their hair. Ergo, I'm not really depressed, right?

Man. I looked for photos to prove this theory but the internet is no help when it comes to google-imaging "depressed tv characters with unwashed hair." Bummers.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Bex Directs

I made a blog to showcase stuff that I directed (hire me, hint hint, hint hint). I could have been trendy and used tumblr but I decided to go super retro old-school and rock the blogger. So!

Please tell everyone you know.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Best Fork in the World

This is what I think whenever I'm in a museum and they have silverware on display. And then I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Hey Ladies!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Monday, August 24, 2009

Yakety Yak, Take it Back

Extensive research into MC Skat Kat reveals he was "launched into the mainstream years later when he appeared in a public service announcement titled "Take it Back", where he sang the title song about recycling." Apparently, I missed this stratospheric launch (it occurred in 1991, so I was probably prepping for my bat mitzvah) but happily, youtube is always there to fill in the gaps in my pop cultural knowledge. Observe:

I wish the audio were better because I can't hear most of the lyrics, but a few notes:

This is ostensibly a PSA for kids:
1) threatening that if you don't recycle, Ozzy will stop rocking (that is some real guilt-inducing shit right there)
2) the PSA stages a protest against "city hall" demanding that you call the government and complain that they are not recycling (or something? the audio is futzy here, but, egads, in the early 90s, Hollywood was basically demanding the youth of America stage a town hall)
3) Barry White
4) Who went home and did it after this shoot? Bette and Ozzy, right?
5) Perhaps you would like to buy this for me?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The World's Best Photo in the History of the World, Ever

You guys, this is the greatest picture in the history of forever.

The man in the pink hat carried a watermelon!
The man in the pink shirt carries bananas!
The man in the middle is perhaps a mime, or perhaps developmentally disabled! I just can't tell! Mime or mildly retarded? This could be a hot new party game. Or a blog-to-bookdeal situation. Here, I'll start: this is a new blog called Mime or Retarded? More to come!

Also! Watermelon Man is wearing a giant diamond ring on his right ring finger, and we all know that Right Hand Rings are for women who know they're never going to get married but they still feel like they deserve a conflict diamond, so they buy themselves a Right Hand Ring because nothing says "I am an independent woman" like buying oneself a gemstone that was probably sold to DeBeers by a warlord. Nice! But why is Watermelon Man wearing one?

And why is Banana Man wearing a shirt that says "We do the blues?" And why are Possible Mime / Possible Buddy With perhaps a Touch of Something Off's pants so high and so tight? And what is in his sandwich? Is he eating a ketchup sandwich? Eating a ketchup sandwich points to mild retardation.

Unless he is eating a watermelon and banana sandwich? Is that what all of this means? Mime/Possibly A little Retarded guy is being "sandwiched" by Watermelon Man and Banana Man. Thus, Mime/P.A.L.R guy is the filling between the white bread! Watermelon Man and Banana Man are the bread and Mime/P.A.L.R. guy is the sandwich filling, figuratively, but he is eating a sandwich that is a literal representation of the metaphorical sandwich! This is like a living, breathing metaphor-analogy, like when they have that Living Chess Game at the Renaissance Faire.

We found this photo by google-image-searching "Mr. Dithers" because wouldn't Mr. Dithers make a great tattoo for someone who was dithering about what tattoo to get? And then, this photo happened, because it was posted on someone's Myspace page, and that someone was named Mr. Dithers. I logged into myspace for the first time in like 12 years to ping the guy who posted the photo and find out the story of the the World's Best Photo in the History of the World, Ever, but, alas, I have not gotten a response. So, dear internet, I turn to you: who are these people? Where are they? And what is happening? Internetters, you are my only hope.

Meredith Mo was the first awesomeperson of awesomeness to ring in with an actual, verifiable answer: the guy in the middle is Rik Mayall of "Young Ones," "Blackadder" and "Drop Dead Fred" fame. Here's his IMDB page . Then I did some more sleuthing and found this exact photo on this guy's "Hall of Fame" gallery of photos of himself with famous people! The caption reads "Ky, Rik Mayall & Jim Hoffman working on movie "Drop Dead Fred" -- Ky is, apparently, "The Rocketman", although I will continue to refer to him as Watermelon Man. Which means Bananas Man is Jim Hoffman, although IMDB turns up only one Jim Hoffman -- but he didn't work on "Drop Dead Fred." Hmmm.

Actually, even though this photo is no longer all that mysterious, I think it's just as weird. Weirder, perhaps.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Hear Me Roar! Benefit for Sylvia's Place

You guys! I am MC'ing a wonderful benefit this THURSDAY, August 20th!

It's at 6pm at the Bowery Poetry Club - 308 Bowery. Please do come!

It is estimated that close to 40% of the 20,000 runaway and homeless youth in New York identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). These young people often face violence and discrimination from service providers and peers, when attempting to access support. While LGBT specific resources have been shown to effectively help youth create a healthy path to independence, the few existing programs have faced tremendous budget cuts due to the economic downturn. For this reason, now is a particularly critical time to give voice to this cause.

Together with author and activist, Emanuel Xavier, The Hear Me ROAR! Project is hosting a fundraiser to support our work with MCCNY-Homeless Youth Services/ Sylvia's Place, honoring the voices of LGBT homeless youth.

A suggested $15 minimum donation will include:


Village Voice columnist, Michael Musto
Poet and author, Emanuel Xavier
Club/electro/punk musicians, Air Kiss on Mars
Poet, Chip Livingston
Percussion/Dance ensemble, Segunda Quimbamba
Spoken word artist, Simply Rob.

Mistress of Ceremonies: VH1 Comedian, Bex Schwartz

PRIZES FOR RAFFLE featuring donated items.

This event is kindly sponsored by NEXT magazine
The Estee Lauder Companies, Inc.
Sara’s Gracious Goodies
Fred Marcus Photography
Hot Blondies Bakery
Dickhouse Entertainment
Bekka NYC
Emily Drazen Photography
Shaw Family Archives
Hirsch Vineyards Pilates for Posture and Spinal Support

The Hear Me ROAR! Project uses artistic expression to raise awareness and funding for LGBTQ youth services in New York. We are currently partnered with Sylvia's Place, a 24-hour emergency shelter, to document the experiences of LGBTQ young people on the street.

For more information about MCCNY-Homeless Youth Services/ Sylvia's Place, please visit

Friday, July 24, 2009

Glitter Puke

Hey you guys! The Beatles: Rock Band facebook page hit 10k followers today, and some of us announced we would puke glitter and dance on tabletops if that happened. My tummy is in bad shape so I'm not about to dance on tabletops, but, look:

Glitter Puke
Glitter Graphics

Thursday, July 23, 2009

This Bird Likes Rock Band

I am relatively certain that this video is why the internet exists:

I like Rock Band, too. Especially The Beatles: Rock Band.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

For What It's Worth

For what it's worth, you guys, in case you were also born in the late 70s and grew up thinking that the song about "Stop, children, what's that sound, everybody look what's going down" was about hunters trying to shoot woodland creatures, that song is NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT TRYING TO SHOOT WOODLAND CREATURES.

However, it is still difficult to convince my brain otherwise.

PS: Pun intended, obvs.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Ha! I Kill Me.

My brother Adam and I met ALF. I'm pretty sure this was around 1987. It was definitely 7:16, at least according to my giant watch.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

The VH1 Mobile Site -- Have More Fun With Your Phone!

Fun with greenscreen and stock footage! Typically, I wouldn't post a vh1 spot on the internets, but the level of sillyness in this spot tickles me pink. Or green. Greenscreen. Also, I play (the voice of) a panda in it. PANDA. So, uh, to make this relativistically kosher, if you watch the spot, then you have to go to the vh1 mobile site on your smartypants phone. on your phone, yo.

Oh, credits:
I wrote and directed it.
Amber Harris produced it.
Sound fx genius = Matt Richman
Flame awesomeness = Mark Bernardo
Smoke tracking/comping perfection, moon embossing and skywriting: Dale Boyce, Creative Group

Monday, June 29, 2009

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Comic Sans, You Scourge

The other day I said something on Twitter (eek, can't use the word 'tweeted,' I just can't) like: "If you send me an email written in comic sans, I get to make fun of you and it for 4 years."

Michelle Collins,
ladies and gentlemen, is pure twitpic win:

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Jurassic Park Dinosaurs Say Heeeey

My co-workers are always entertained when they hear me chortling from my office. Today's culprit? "The Jurassic Park Dinosaurs Say Hey," courtesy of Lindsay'n'Gabe over at the Videogum.

This is really stupid but just so very wonderful.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Bret Michaels at the Tonys / Gyromite Mashup You've Been Waiting For

So I haven't been sleeping? But I took a sleeping pill last night and it didn't work. But I don't remember a few hours. Apparently, I made this. It is the most wonderfully stupid thing ever created on i-movie, ever.

Monday, June 08, 2009

The Best Tony's Moment EVER OF ALL TIME

Oh, man. I can't stop watching Bret Michaels getting whomped in the head by Tony's scenery. I've watched it so many times I had to loop it:

Extra special thanks to the lovely Lady Joselyn Hughes at the Tosh.0 blog for titling this clip "Bonk of Love" and encouraging it to go all H1N1 (get it? viral? three weeks ago? sorry).

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Anthony Bourdain = Sydney Earle Chaplin

OMGeebers, you guys, I think my tv boyfriend Tony Bourdain is actually Sydney Earle Chaplin. I saw it on the Tonys; I am pretty sure it's true.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Beatles: Rock Band

If the trailer for The Beatles: Rock Band doesn't give you goosebumps, we're probably not going to remain friends.

I mean, seriously: greatest game ever, y/y? 09.09.09 can't come soon enough.

you should watch it on the official site, because there's a rip on youtube that's fuzzy and shitty, so just go here instead.

Edited to add: legit game trailer embed:

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dear Ryan Murphy; Please Hire Me

Because I sort of feel like everything would be better were I working for GLEE. Oh, GLEE. You will so very much totally be my new favorite show this fall. Especially if you continue to do things like this:

Full disclosure: sure, Don't Stop Believing is mad over-exposed and over-used, son, (as per Uncle Grambo over at Vulture), but that still doesn't stop me from dropping to my knees to interpretative-dance it at weddings.

And sure, there are clearly 20 people singing even though we see 5 members of the Glee Club on stage, and sure, it's RIDICK when the Zac Efron jock guy plays the drums and then hands off the drumsticks and the drums keep playing, but, frak it: this show has Jane Lynch saying things like "your resentment is delicious" and it features cheerleaders who are so Bring-it-On-y that they're wearing the EXACT SAME CHEERLEADING OUTFITS as the Toros, and the writing is pretty damnfine good in a this-is-smarter-than-your-typical-hour-long-drama-about-singing-teen-dreams way and Ryan Murphy et al. are sort of awesomely being straight up about high school life, and luckily people only burst into song when they're practicing or auditioning (to "On My Own," no less) or in fantasy scenes, and seriously, when the kid in the wheelchair plays that guitar solo, isn't it wonderful?

Monday, May 18, 2009

We Passed the Hash Pipe and Played our Doors Tapes

I was so thoroughly charmed and delighted by SNL's season-ending grand finale "Goodnight Saigon" humgdinging ding-dong of a sketch (thank you hugs'n'kisses to the always wonderful Videogum):

Maybe it's because there is nothing I love more than a star-studded finale, or maybe it's because I am consistently enamored with earnestness, or maybe it's because I remember being on a family trip driving through California and listening to that "Billy Joel Greatest Hits Volumes 1 and 2" mondo cassette and eagerly anticipating each time "Goodnight Saigon" would finally come on, right after "Allentown" (where our fathers fought the second world war; spent their weekends at the jersey shore) because, at age 12, I had just figured out what it was, like, really about man, or maybe it's because we kept that cassette in the station wagon and once my mom was doing errands and sort of half-listening to it and when the opening helicopter-noises from that song came on, she pulled over in a fright that she had blown a tire and then drove to the gas station so that Jack the mechanic could check her tires and tell her that, no, she didn't have a flat tire, it was just those helicopter noises from the beginning of "Goodnight Saigon" or maybe it's just the way Ferrell plays those maracas at the top.

Either way, I love this so much that I want to put a ring on it. And also, um, sort of maybe I kind of want to own the Billy Joel's Greatest Hits Volumes 1 and 2 mondo-cassette again. Remember that swelling chorus in "THe Night is Still Young?" I sure do.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

For Mom

I know, this blog is supposed to be about pop culture and stuff like that, and it will revert back to its normal levels of observational snarkitude shortly, but I just wanted to put this on the internets. This is the eulogy I delivered at my mom's funeral:

I want to start off by reciting my mom’s favorite poem: “Comment,” by Dorothy Parker. I think my mom was a sort of modern-day Dorothy Parker – they shared the same biting wit and dizzying intellect; short, fashionable haircut; and love of words, and my mom taught me this poem when I was just a little girl and had no absolutely no idea what it meant:
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am the Queen of Romania.

And I just have this perfect image of her pausing dramatically while delivering that last line “ and I … am … the Queen ... of Romania.” The line was really “Marie of Romania” but my mom would always alter it and say “the queen of Romania,” but either way, it summed up my mom’s philosophy and also allowed her to use the word extemporanea, in everyday speech.

My mom’s vocabulary was blistering and she was the most clever and eloquent person I’ve ever met. My mom loved to talk – to anyone and everyone -- my mom could charm and fascinate absolutely everyone. No one worked a room like my mom. She was a champion schmoozer, and everytime I’m at a cocktail party or some sort of crowded event, I always find myself turning into my mother.

When you’re younger, you’re always so terrified of growing up and turning into your mom, but I think I’m more terrified of not turning out to be exactly like her. It’s true, we have the same dimples, and we both talk with our hands, and we share a love of cheap wine and shopping at Loehmann’s. My mom loved her chardonnay and she loved buying Carole Little suits at deep discounts. She always said that was the 11th commandment: thou shalt never pay retail. And when I was younger, I was always sort of slightly embarrassed that my mom would get a little tipsy at weddings and bar mitzvahs and insist on doing the bump with her patented “doing the bump face” which sort of involved looking surprised and saucy at the same time, while bumping hips with someone, often a gay man, -- and she would always find a man to dance with her if “Proud Mary” or “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll” came on and my dad didn’t want to dance – and I was telling my best friend Noah about how that used to embarrass me and he said “but that is EXACTLY what you do every time you go out dancing.” So, maybe I’m on my way to beginning to start to approach the sheer awesomeness and amazingness that is my mom.

And as I’ve gotten older and my mom and I have gotten closer, our relationship changed from purely mother-daughter to just being really good friends. My mom always said that to my boyfriend John – that she was so proud that it wasn’t just that Adam and I were her children, Adam and I were her friends. And, it’s so true. We could talk about anything. I could call her any time of day or night with any sort of problem and she would talk me down off the ledge and listen to anything I had to say, and she always had the perfect solution or advice or suggestion. And she would do that for anyone – my mom would have marathon phone conversations with all her friends. My dad would say, “How can you have anything left to say? You just talked to her yesterday!” and still, she could talk to Cheryl or Sherry or Karen or Eileen or David or Sherry or Terry until it was time to switch on the local news and watch the weather. She insisted on watching the weather every night, and I can’t fall asleep unless I know what it’s going to be like outside tomorrow.

Mom was so dazzlingly bright – her mind worked so fast, it’s a wonder the rest of us could keep up. She was the master of puns, you might say the ultimate cunning linguist. And she was fiercely irreverent and would have been thrilled I just dropped that pun in front of a rabbi. During the last two weeks, she lost her voice and was only able to talk in a whisper. But that didn’t keep her from being as sarcastic and witty as ever, even if we had to strain to hear her. And even while undergoing really intense and aggressive treatment, her brain was as sharp as ever. She was so, so proud of her children and she remembered every details we ever told her about everything in our lives. She was so thrilled that Adam followed her footsteps into publishing, and I know that she watched every single show I ever appeared in, no matter how trashy, and everything I ever directed, even when I was in college and it was pretty pretentious. The highpoint of my career was when my mom appeared in the tv show I was directing as a character called Renee Paper Mache, sort of like a Cynthia Plaster Caster, but with noses – and all my bosses agreed that she was the best part of the entire production.

When my mom first got sick, I talked to some of my friends about when it was time to have “the conversation” – as in, the conversation where you tell your mom how much you love her and how much she means to you and how she is responsible for everything good and wonderful in your life. I wasn’t sure, because I didn’t want to be maudlin and I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or make it seem like I was scared she was going to die. And I thought, we all thought, that we had so much more time with her. She went so quickly, that I think all of us are in shock and dazed and confused. And I held her hand and we said goodbye and told her how much we loved her but I never got to have the actual talk with her, and this is what I wanted to say:

Mom – I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. You are my rock, my guiding star, my beacon of sense and strength and power and love. You are such a powerful woman, and such an amazing role model, and I wish I could be even half as good of a person as you are. You are a truly good, decent, wonderful person who genuinely wants other people to be happy, and your commitment to doing good things in the world and telling everyone about the good things that other people are doing is so inspirational. I hope that someday I can be as good of a person as you are. Thank you so much for making me laugh, for cheering me up, for believing in me no matter what. When the mean kids in grade school made fun of me, thank you for encouraging me to fight back simply by being smarter than they were and helping me write parodies of all their favorite songs. When I took to my bed because I didn’t get into Brown, thank you for pulling me back out and telling me that Wesleyan was a better place for me to go anyway. Thank you for nursing me through mono, and a tonsillectomy at age 17 by reading to me from Winnie the Pooh and the Very Blustery Day in your special Winnie-the-Pooh reading voice. Thank you for not freaking out when I went vegetarian, when I pierced my nose, and when I got a tattoo. Thank you for making every one of my friends feel like they were part of the family.

When I was at Camp Ramah and I was sooo homesick that I cried every single day, thank you for breaking the rules and sneaking into camp with the temple’s prospective parents groups - I’ll never ever forget that moment when we were all sitting on the A-side field and I was sad and homesick and crying and someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and you were suddenly standing there right in front of me, even though you knew you could get in trouble for it because you were supposed to stay in the van. Thank you for introducing me to the magic of the vodka gimlet – dirty rocks on the side. Thank you for teaching me how to be a powerful, intelligent woman who can walk into a room of strangers and leave with 20 new friends. Thank you for loving my dad so much, and showing me what it’s like to be best friends with your spouse. Thank you for staying together for 37 years of marriage and showing me what a real relationship looks like. Thank you for teaching me how to make fried matzah (perhaps the only dish you truly mastered). Thank you for showing me how to be fiercely loyal to everyone you love. Thank you for the love of show tunes, Barbra Streisand, and Judy Collins. I’m so sorry that when I was six and playing Monopoly with dad and he landed on Boardwalk that I stomped away and scratched the record right when Barbra was singing your favorite line of Send in the Clowns. Thank you for teaching me how to do the twist using a bath towel as an educational tool.

Thank you for being the most amazing woman any of us will ever know, and the most wonderful and perfect mother. Mom, I love you so much. When my Zaydee Hal passed away, I remember my mom sitting on the couch and saying she was so sad and that the worst part was, she just wanted to talk to my grandfather so he could cheer her up. Whenever anything hard or bad or scary happens in my life, I call my mom. And now I know exactly what she meant – right now, things are so hard and bad and scary that I just want to call my mom. But instead, I know that she taught me enough that I can look inside myself and find exactly what she would tell me to get me through this:

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am the Queen of Romania.

So here’s to my mom, The Queen of Romania.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Doo Wah Diddy

I Miss My Mom

Leslie F. Schwartz -- raconteur, wit extraordinaire, and beloved wife and mother-passed away on Wednesday, April 29, 2009. Leslie graduated from Poughkeepsie High School, class of 1968, and Barnard College, class of 1972, where she met her future husband, Robert Schwartz. Leslie had a keen gift for bringing good to the world; she could make anyone laugh and she spent her life striving to bring awareness to those doing their best to end others' suffering. After college, Leslie started her career at Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich. Her love of the written word led to her award-winning column in the Ridgewood News called "Suburban Supermom" which distilled the daily trials and tribulation of life in the suburbs into nuggets of wit and sarcastic wisdom. She then chose a life of service - first as Director of the Office of Public Information for Bergern County, then as the Director of Public Relations of Bergen Region Medical Center, and later working in the publicity departments of Mount Sinai, and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Leslie was drawn to Mount Sinai after watching how well they took care of her father, Harold Fleisher, and returned to work for the hospital after a stint in the realm of general healthcare P.R. left her wanting to do more for doctors who served people in need. Leslie is best remembered for her razor-sharp wit, her commitment to serving anyone who lacked a voice, and for her strength and power and unwavering spirit. Leslie passed away comfortably after battling lung cancer, leaving behind her husband, Robert Schwartz, and her two children, Bex and Adam, all of whom credit her everlasting sense of humor and love of humanity for their own outlooks on life. Leslie also leaves her siblings, David Fleisher and Sherry Woocher, and her mother, Terry Fleisher. The funeral service will be Friday, May 1st at 10am at the Menorah Chapels at Millburn, 2950 Vaux Hall Road, Union, NJ. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to The Hal Fleisher Leukemia Fund, c/o Jewish Family Service of Dutchess County, 110 Grand Avenue, Poughkeepsie, NY 12603.

Please leave memories about my mom here - we love hearing from her friends and colleagues.

I Love My Mom

This is my mother holding hands/paws with a moose.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

New York Shitty - Tonight at Ochi's

I'm doing a (rare for me) real live comedy gig tonight! It's New York Shitty -- funny ha-ha stories about NY kicking one's ass. Here's the scoop:

Brother and sister Eliot and Ilana regale you with stories and anecdotes about New York kicking your ass. Perfect way to end Tax Day.

Featuring the lovely and talented...

Bex Schwartz (c'est moi!)
Heather Fink
Harry Terjanian
Melanie Hamlett

Ochi's Lounge (Below Comix) 353 West 14th, 9pm, April 15th (income tax day, your favorite).

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Magical Martial Arts

Just take 3 deep, you guys. Take 3 deep.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

I want to be the Hold Steady

I don't want to be in the band, per se, I just want to be them. Apologies for the non-posting as of late -- I moved and I'm busy. But if you want to be in my head with me, just listen to The Hold Steady's entire catalogue on repeat.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Tears of a Clown

Once upon a time, I was in an episode of NOVA ScienceNow about mirror neurons. They showed us sad movies and we cried and they filmed it, to show how people react similarly when experiencing other people's emotions -- eg, in Terms of Endearment, when Shirley MacClaine is weeping and shrieking about giving her daughter the shot, the viewer's brian mirrors that emotion and the viewer cries. Or, at least, I cry. I cry a lot at movies. And tv shows. And occasionally commercials. And when listening to certain songs. And when thinking about certain things.

Anyway. I was in this thing a million years ago and blogged about it and promptly forgot about it until someone on facebook wrote on my wall that he had seen the Mirror Neurons video in his biopsychology class. So, therefore, perhaps I am mildly almost semi quasi famous for crying in a video about mirror neurons that is now shown in biopsychology classes.

Watch me cry, around the :40 mark, and then again a few seconds later.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Spring Street = My Life Would Suck Without You

Ladies and gentlemen, I could be crazy, but isn't Kelly Clarkson's new song "My Life Would Suck Without You" actually the same tune as Dar Williams' "Spring Street?"

Call me crazy.


Wednesday, March 04, 2009

We spotted a SEX TOY on the news

During the 10pm CW (WPIX) news (it was on after Top Model, okay?), during a story titled "Troublesome Trannies" about teenaged transvestites robbing women at a luxury apartment building and using the loot to buy "feminine objects" like wigs and stockings, we spotted a sex toy:

Behold: the wild cat! (title of webpage NSFW).

Extreme Close-up!


Friday, February 20, 2009

Must-See Monday TV

Oh boy, Monday morning is a must-see tv doozie-a-rama.

First -- if you're like me, you straighten your hair and put on eye makeup every morning in front of your mirror, standing in front of your happy sunlamp and watching the Today show on NBC. And if you're also like me, you are usually running late for work unless you have a shoot, but luckily it only takes you 18 minutes to get to work, so you get to watch a bit of the most awesome hour of television, the infamous "4th Hour of Today with Hoda and Kathie Lee." Seriously, there is nothing better than starting your day with the everpatient Hodawoman and the consistently loopy-and-loopier Kathie Lee. I love them so much I want to put a ring on them. And, in the most kickawesome news ever, this Monday, February 23rd will feature a combo more delicious than even chocolate and peanut butter (creamy; I can't eat nuts). More tasty than a grilled soy cheese on sourdough! More yummytastic than a salad of arugula, tempeh bacon and fuji apples! Kathie Lee and Hodawoman PLUS the awesomeness of Jon Friedman and his book, Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped, and Canceled.

And secondly -- after I DVR and/or watch live Jon on the Today Show, right after the 4th Hour of Today, I will be DVR'ing Martha Stewart's episode dedicated to all thing twentieth-century-aspirin.

Must-see-TV! A programming block of wonderment!

(edited to add a photo of Jon Friedman's name on my tv, taken by my new cameraphone blackberry. Hot cha!)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Jeff Probst, Survivor

Is this weird? This never struck me as being weird before, but then I saw this Jeff Probst / Black History Month promo and at the end, there's a sort of sepia-toned endpage and Jeff Probst is standing there in a black sweater, and he is chyron'ed as "Jeff Probst, Survivor." And for like three seconds, my brain was like "What did Jeff Probst survive? Was it cancer? Did he have prostate cancer?" and it took a little while for me to realize that he wasn't a survivor of anything, he just hosted it. But still! When you typically see someone with the word "Survivor" chyron'ed beneath them, they are typically (fill-in-the-blanks) survivors! Breast Cancer Survivor! Hurricane Katrina Survivor! Traumatic Event Survivor!

CBS confused me! Tricksy, tricksy CBS! Manipulating me into loving Jeff Probst EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO.

Or maybe I am just very tired.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

MEDIA ALERT - Spend your Valentine's Night with Me

Friends. Two, count them, two hours of "40 Most Shocking Celebrity Divorces" (featuring me!) premieres tonight on VH1 from 9-11pm. Set your tivo/divo now (or catch a repeat). I'm wearing my Obama-Riding-A-Unicorn shirt in the show, so cherish the Inauguration Day memories while you can.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Heartbreak Show! This Thursday, 2/12! 7pm! The Slipper Room

(my name is not on the postcard cut don't let that confuse you).


The Heartbreak Show
February 12 @ 7pm
Slipper Room
167 Orchard St
New York
(212) 253-7246

"6 Strangers tell their tales of love and woe, 3 Celebrity Judges judge them harshly, one drunken host tries to keep it together while she sings and chit chats about her own love gone wrong while the audience votes who is The Number One Heartbreaker, Dreammaker, Love Taker, Don’t You Mess Around With Them.

Join Susannah “The Goddess” Perlman and her most trusted announcer, Mister Confusion (AKA Paulie Confusion) and la showgirl de jour Darlinda Just Darlinda for her 2nd annual Heartbreak Show to make your Valentine’s Day Weekend a little bit more tolerable. Listen as Jeff Glasse, Abbi Crutchfield, Dan Allen, Becky Ciletti, Bex Schwartz & H. Alan Scott attempt to melt hearts. Will they move judges Noah Tarnow, Ophira Eisenberg, Angry Bob and Carmen Mofongo (fresh out of retirement but not out of hats) to tears or get a collective eye roll? Give the lovelorn contestants the violin strings or tell them to give you a break as they compete for the title as the ultimate Heartbreaker or Heartbroken in night of Cabaret meets Game Show meets the Broken Heart.

If you like a good story and need to commiserate your own broken heart COME ON DOWN & You can win prizes from rocking LES businesses such as Babeland & Demask."

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Tweeting the Grammys

I was half-watching the Grammys (occupational hazard). And I was tweeting. So is here is my observational humor about the Grammys, which probably only make sense in realtime. Realtime like 24!

# when did Robert Plant turn into Billy Connolly?

# John Mayer's "rock face" plus haircut makes him look like a monchichi.

# Oddly enough, watching Neil Diamond perform "Sweet Caroline" at the 2009 grammys fills me the same giddy glee as Obama winning the election

# When Gwynnie introduced Radiohead, I felt like I was watching her cuckold her husband. about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry

# Bass. I meant bass. with Paul McCartney. Who was that?

# who was playing guitar with Sir Paul? It is on the tip of my brain.

# Bono! No sunglasses! First time in ten years! Guyliner! Eeks!

Just in case you wanted to know.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Just To Cap Off all the Joey Cramer Excitement Around These Here Parts

Just to refresh your mindhead as to why it's so momentous that we found Joey Cramer, here is the trailer that ought to serve as F.o.t.N 101.

And ... scene!

Monday, February 02, 2009

Is this Going To Be Forever?

Friends, who amongst us hasn't experienced exactly what little David is feeling (after, apparently, a visit to the dentist for some minor oral surgery?)? 3D Stereo Trouble, indeed.

(Thanks to DMP for the link).

If We Were Evil, We Would Now Stalk Joey Cramer, But For Now We Will Admire Him From Afar And Discuss Our Next Move

Okay! So! Eagle-eyed reader "Karl S." did even more additional research and points out that the logo on Joey Kramer's shirt in this photo very clearly matches the logo for one of the sporting-goods stores Team Joey Cramers discovered in Sechelt, called "Source for Sports." (Hooray for cross-referencing.)


So now we know where he works. Should we write him a letter and include something for him to sign? Should we email the store? Should we ... eeps, call the store and ask to speak to him?

We shall not bother Joey Cramer. We are just so happy to know he's alive and ostensibly well. Perhaps we will someday gather the nerve to write him a fan letter and beg him to return to acting, perhaps in Flight of the Navigator 2: The New Batch.

But perhaps Joey himself might be pleased to know that we are so thrilled to have discovered him! But, we shall not bother Joey Cramer. Not until the moment is right.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

UPDATE! Joey Cramer ... FOUND AT LAST!

Wowie wow wow wow! Despite suffering from a terrible sinus thing, today is the BEST DAY EVER because I've received breaking news on my most-commented-on-ever post "Help Us Find Joey Cramer?" For years, my readers and I have been wondering whatever happened to adorable little Joey Cramer, star of the most excellent "Flight of the Navigator." And apparently, he's been FOUND!

Reader Mobius01, aka "Karl S.," linked us to a an answerbag post entitled "Where is Joey Cramer?" On that site, one "Gordo" reveals that Joey "is working in a sporting goods store in Sechelt in B.C (on the Sunshine Coast)." He even provides a photo! Eagle-eyed readers will spot that the fan in the photo is holding a VHS of none other than "Flight of the Navigator." Is this really him? Let's do a quick side by side comparison:

Survey says ... yes? The fact that he's wearing a red shirts seems to help a bit.

Further research reveals that there are three sporting good store in Sechelt, British Columbia: Off The Edge Adventure Sports Ltd , Rivers Edge Sport Fishing Outfitters and Source For Sports. Constant readers in the great sleeping giant to my north (aka Canada,) any future research would be most welcomed. Joey is still, as always, invited to do a guest-post on this blog.

Hooray for Joey Cramer, hooray hooray hooray!

Friday, January 30, 2009

A Blast from the Very Past

Oh man, long ago, back in 2001, a few scant weeks before those towers came down, when I was sort of eating-disordery and there was nothing at all to worry about in the world, the Saint Reverend Jen and I appeared on an episode of Peter Bernard's show "Rools Like Ozzy" to promote Rev's show that I was directing, and we also discussed the amazing moment when we encountered Giuliani and accosted him about the unjust cabaret laws in NYC, because, back then (and now), Dance is Not a Crime.

Look - unfortunate fashion, hairstyle and makeup choices from back in 2001 are also not a crime, okay? So power up that way-back machine and take a gander.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


No, seriously, you ought to do it now.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to

They keep playing that song on tv, but all I can ever think of is "Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to ..." Oh, "Dave," you are the mightiest of presidential earworm providers.

Oh happiest of happy days. So happy, in fact, that I shall share this photo with you:

This morning, I shot a show for the VH1 that will air sometime in the near(ish) future. To mark the awesomeness of today, I wore my most awesome shirt ever -- Obama Riding a Unicorn. It is the greatest shirt in the whole multiverse. Chris Bishop should be hailed, not as a Chief, per se, but as the best t-shirt designer ever. (Because prior to designing Obama Riding a Unicorn, he also designed "Afternoon Delight" featuring two humping unicorns in front of a rainbow, which used to be my favorite tee-shirt until I got the Obama Riding a Unicorn tee-shirt, which is now, of course, my very most favorite).

So, this is me! Post-shoot! Wearing my Obama Riding a Unicorn shirt. Happy Best January 20th ever.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Suddenly, Everything Makes So Much More Sense

Remember when Sue Simmons dropped the F-bomb on the teevee?

Suddenly, it all makes so much more sense:

The missing link!! Suddenly everything makes so much more sense!!! If I saw a polar bear dancing on a couch, with such supreme dance moves, I would react in the exact same way as Sue Simmons! I feel like the world shifted on its axis and then wobbled back into its typical position, at the exact same moment that I watched this for the first time.

Thank goodness for Jon Friedman and his amazing abilities to set everything straight.