You know the "Thumpety thump thump" part of the Frosty the Snowman song? That's how you ought to sing this post's title -- thankity thank thank, thankity thank thank, look at Frosty go...
We are knee-deep in the hooplah of the grunt work part of our job -- versioning 8 "Big in 04" spots starring Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts. So, let's go around the room and discuss for what we are thankful.
Let's start with Karl. Karl is thankful for a midwinter's surfing trip to Costa Rica. He will go there and see monkeys and sloths (but he can't bring me a sloth because it's illegal to import wild animals into Amerika.) Smuggle a sloth, Karl! Smuggle it all the way home, nestled beneath your shirt and let its slothwarmth fill you with love and joy. Let it nibble your man-nipples and titilate your innermost excitements. And then bring it to me so I can cuddle with it, because I bet a real-live sloth is a lot like one of those full-body pillows you can get at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I reckon the sloth would fall into the "Beyond" category, which is definitely the best aspect of the store. I like to go and look for spacejunk and meteors and comets and the souls of long-departed relatives -- all the things one might want from Beyond. Karl is also thankful that he worked a double last week so now he has extra moolah for his trip.
Kelly's turn. Scott (Kelly's pre-husband) interjects to say that Kelly is thankful that she got engaged this year, and yet Kelly remains suspiciously silent. In fact, just last night it became apparent that both Scott and I adore spicy food whereas Kelly is not so fond of the spice. Mayhaps I ought to marry Scott -- Kelly says we could do a reality show called "My Big Fat Obnoxious Writing Partner Who Stole My Fiancee." I would be the big fat obnoxious one, seeing as she has the pre-husband. Oh! This just in! Kelly LOVES Kiehl's samples because they are FREE and Kelly will love anything if it's free, even if it's a piece of poo. A FREE piece of Poo? Send it to the Kelster! Bring it on, yo. Kelly's fave word is "gratis." Kelly is also thankful for Starwich, our very most preferred new sandwich place. Yum! They make sandwiches with MONK CHEESE! Not, as you might think, cheese made of out of monks, but rather, cheese made by monks. And the secret ingredient is monk smegma. MONK CHEESE! MONK CHEESE! Kelly is also thankful for puppies and kitties -- nay, all baby animals. Babimals. Kelly is thankful that Scott is going to become a gourmet cook and apparently he's practicing and cooking and cheffing. He's such an effing cool chef! He does some effing cheffing! And he makes a mean pork chop. Heh. Scott makes a mean pork chop -- that sounds dirty.
Kelly would like you all to know that she is not thankful for the stupid fucks at Who Wants to be a Millionaire who denied them the chance to be on Who Wants to be a Millioniare, Couples edition. They were going to win a million dollars to pay for their wedding and I was going to be their lifeline, but, alas, the selection committee is apparently made of stupid fucks. STUPID FUCKS!
Kelly is also thankful that she is not a turkey. Except she is a turkey, but not a turkey you'd eat. Unless you like to eat blonde women. Then perhaps she would be that kind of turkey. Gobble gobble!
If the Hamburglar were a turkey, he would go: "Robble robble! Gobble gobble!"
If the Hamburglar were a turkey who liked telescopes, he would go "Robble robble! Gobble gobble! Hubble Hubble!"
Let's ask Scott, the afore-mentioned pre-husband! Scott, what are you thankful for? "I'm thankful for the World Champion Patriots" (not the missile or the people with the guns, but the football team. And who coaches that football team? Some dude who went to my college. AWESOME!) Scott is also thankful for the World Champion Red Sox. Scott apparently likes the Boston sports. Scott is also thankful for the Bowdoin College ECAC division champs -- i think that's a hockey reference. Kelly says, "If you actually start caring about hockey I will punch you in the face." And then Scott says, "I am thankful Kelly said yes. I would have been embarassed otherwise."
Scott Harrison, ladies and gentlemen, and his Big in 04 thanks list.
Oh dear. I am the last person in the room to go. So. Every year at the Fleisher fambly T-giving, we have to around the table and say what we're thankful for. About 8 years ago, my dad said, "Latex." I, too, am thankful for latex. It keeps the kids disease-free, doncha know. I am also thankful for extra-firm tofu, sparkly eye makeup, non-leather boots, and the sloth that Karl will smuggle to me. I am thankful for all my friends who love me despite my birth-control-pill-induced tumultuous mood swings and despite Oscar (my neurosis). I am thankful that even though I keep announcing that I am over the whole dating thing, I somehow keep this little flame of romantic hope that makes me think that someday I will have a cuddlebuddy who will love me even before I've straightened my hair in the morning. I'm thankful for my fambly, who somehow tolerate me in all my insanity. I'm thankful I'm going to LA next week. I'm thankful for my fave elliptical machine at the gym. And most of all, I am thankful that I don't have crabs.