New York Shitty - Tonight at Ochi's

I'm doing a (rare for me) real live comedy gig tonight! It's New York Shitty -- funny ha-ha stories about NY kicking one's ass. Here's the scoop:

Brother and sister Eliot and Ilana regale you with stories and anecdotes about New York kicking your ass. Perfect way to end Tax Day.

Featuring the lovely and talented...

Bex Schwartz (c'est moi!)
Heather Fink
Harry Terjanian
Melanie Hamlett

Ochi's Lounge (Below Comix) 353 West 14th, 9pm, April 15th (income tax day, your favorite).

Magical Martial Arts

Just take 3 deep, you guys. Take 3 deep.

I want to be the Hold Steady

I don't want to be in the band, per se, I just want to be them. Apologies for the non-posting as of late -- I moved and I'm busy. But if you want to be in my head with me, just listen to The Hold Steady's entire catalogue on repeat.

Tears of a Clown

Once upon a time, I was in an episode of NOVA ScienceNow about mirror neurons. They showed us sad movies and we cried and they filmed it, to show how people react similarly when experiencing other people's emotions -- eg, in Terms of Endearment, when Shirley MacClaine is weeping and shrieking about giving her daughter the shot, the viewer's brian mirrors that emotion and the viewer cries. Or, at least, I cry. I cry a lot at movies. And tv shows. And occasionally commercials. And when listening to certain songs. And when thinking about certain things.

Anyway. I was in this thing a million years ago and blogged about it and promptly forgot about it until someone on facebook wrote on my wall that he had seen the Mirror Neurons video in his biopsychology class. So, therefore, perhaps I am mildly almost semi quasi famous for crying in a video about mirror neurons that is now shown in biopsychology classes.

Watch me cry, around the :40 mark, and then again a few seconds later.

Spring Street = My Life Would Suck Without You

Ladies and gentlemen, I could be crazy, but isn't Kelly Clarkson's new song "My Life Would Suck Without You" actually the same tune as Dar Williams' "Spring Street?"

Call me crazy.


versus:

We spotted a SEX TOY on the news

During the 10pm CW (WPIX) news (it was on after Top Model, okay?), during a story titled "Troublesome Trannies" about teenaged transvestites robbing women at a luxury apartment building and using the loot to buy "feminine objects" like wigs and stockings, we spotted a sex toy:

Behold: the wild cat! (title of webpage NSFW).

Extreme Close-up!

HOORAY FOR LOCAL NEWS, HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY.

Must-See Monday TV

Oh boy, Monday morning is a must-see tv doozie-a-rama.

First -- if you're like me, you straighten your hair and put on eye makeup every morning in front of your mirror, standing in front of your happy sunlamp and watching the Today show on NBC. And if you're also like me, you are usually running late for work unless you have a shoot, but luckily it only takes you 18 minutes to get to work, so you get to watch a bit of the most awesome hour of television, the infamous "4th Hour of Today with Hoda and Kathie Lee." Seriously, there is nothing better than starting your day with the everpatient Hodawoman and the consistently loopy-and-loopier Kathie Lee. I love them so much I want to put a ring on them. And, in the most kickawesome news ever, this Monday, February 23rd will feature a combo more delicious than even chocolate and peanut butter (creamy; I can't eat nuts). More tasty than a grilled soy cheese on sourdough! More yummytastic than a salad of arugula, tempeh bacon and fuji apples! Kathie Lee and Hodawoman PLUS the awesomeness of Jon Friedman and his book, Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped, and Canceled.

And secondly -- after I DVR and/or watch live Jon on the Today Show, right after the 4th Hour of Today, I will be DVR'ing Martha Stewart's episode dedicated to all thing twentieth-century-aspirin.

Must-see-TV! A programming block of wonderment!

(edited to add a photo of Jon Friedman's name on my tv, taken by my new cameraphone blackberry. Hot cha!)

Jeff Probst, Survivor

Is this weird? This never struck me as being weird before, but then I saw this Jeff Probst / Black History Month promo and at the end, there's a sort of sepia-toned endpage and Jeff Probst is standing there in a black sweater, and he is chyron'ed as "Jeff Probst, Survivor." And for like three seconds, my brain was like "What did Jeff Probst survive? Was it cancer? Did he have prostate cancer?" and it took a little while for me to realize that he wasn't a survivor of anything, he just hosted it. But still! When you typically see someone with the word "Survivor" chyron'ed beneath them, they are typically (fill-in-the-blanks) survivors! Breast Cancer Survivor! Hurricane Katrina Survivor! Traumatic Event Survivor!

CBS confused me! Tricksy, tricksy CBS! Manipulating me into loving Jeff Probst EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO.

Or maybe I am just very tired.

MEDIA ALERT - Spend your Valentine's Night with Me

Friends. Two, count them, two hours of "40 Most Shocking Celebrity Divorces" (featuring me!) premieres tonight on VH1 from 9-11pm. Set your tivo/divo now (or catch a repeat). I'm wearing my Obama-Riding-A-Unicorn shirt in the show, so cherish the Inauguration Day memories while you can.

Heartbreak Show! This Thursday, 2/12! 7pm! The Slipper Room

(my name is not on the postcard cut don't let that confuse you).

VERY OFFICIAL BLURB:

The Heartbreak Show
February 12 @ 7pm
Slipper Room
167 Orchard St
New York
(212) 253-7246
$10

"6 Strangers tell their tales of love and woe, 3 Celebrity Judges judge them harshly, one drunken host tries to keep it together while she sings and chit chats about her own love gone wrong while the audience votes who is The Number One Heartbreaker, Dreammaker, Love Taker, Don’t You Mess Around With Them.

Join Susannah “The Goddess” Perlman and her most trusted announcer, Mister Confusion (AKA Paulie Confusion) and la showgirl de jour Darlinda Just Darlinda for her 2nd annual Heartbreak Show to make your Valentine’s Day Weekend a little bit more tolerable. Listen as Jeff Glasse, Abbi Crutchfield, Dan Allen, Becky Ciletti, Bex Schwartz & H. Alan Scott attempt to melt hearts. Will they move judges Noah Tarnow, Ophira Eisenberg, Angry Bob and Carmen Mofongo (fresh out of retirement but not out of hats) to tears or get a collective eye roll? Give the lovelorn contestants the violin strings or tell them to give you a break as they compete for the title as the ultimate Heartbreaker or Heartbroken in night of Cabaret meets Game Show meets the Broken Heart.

If you like a good story and need to commiserate your own broken heart COME ON DOWN & You can win prizes from rocking LES businesses such as Babeland & Demask."

Tweeting the Grammys

I was half-watching the Grammys (occupational hazard). And I was tweeting. So is here is my observational humor about the Grammys, which probably only make sense in realtime. Realtime like 24!

# when did Robert Plant turn into Billy Connolly?

# John Mayer's "rock face" plus haircut makes him look like a monchichi.

# Oddly enough, watching Neil Diamond perform "Sweet Caroline" at the 2009 grammys fills me the same giddy glee as Obama winning the election

# When Gwynnie introduced Radiohead, I felt like I was watching her cuckold her husband. about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry

# Bass. I meant bass. with Paul McCartney. Who was that?

# who was playing guitar with Sir Paul? It is on the tip of my brain.

# Bono! No sunglasses! First time in ten years! Guyliner! Eeks!

Just in case you wanted to know.

Just To Cap Off all the Joey Cramer Excitement Around These Here Parts

Just to refresh your mindhead as to why it's so momentous that we found Joey Cramer, here is the trailer that ought to serve as F.o.t.N 101.


And ... scene!

Is this Going To Be Forever?

Friends, who amongst us hasn't experienced exactly what little David is feeling (after, apparently, a visit to the dentist for some minor oral surgery?)? 3D Stereo Trouble, indeed.


(Thanks to DMP for the link).

If We Were Evil, We Would Now Stalk Joey Cramer, But For Now We Will Admire Him From Afar And Discuss Our Next Move

Okay! So! Eagle-eyed reader "Karl S." did even more additional research and points out that the logo on Joey Kramer's shirt in this photo very clearly matches the logo for one of the sporting-goods stores Team Joey Cramers discovered in Sechelt, called "Source for Sports." (Hooray for cross-referencing.)

See?


So now we know where he works. Should we write him a letter and include something for him to sign? Should we email the store? Should we ... eeps, call the store and ask to speak to him?

NO. NO. NO.
We shall not bother Joey Cramer. We are just so happy to know he's alive and ostensibly well. Perhaps we will someday gather the nerve to write him a fan letter and beg him to return to acting, perhaps in Flight of the Navigator 2: The New Batch.

But perhaps Joey himself might be pleased to know that we are so thrilled to have discovered him! But, we shall not bother Joey Cramer. Not until the moment is right.

UPDATE! Joey Cramer ... FOUND AT LAST!

Wowie wow wow wow! Despite suffering from a terrible sinus thing, today is the BEST DAY EVER because I've received breaking news on my most-commented-on-ever post "Help Us Find Joey Cramer?" For years, my readers and I have been wondering whatever happened to adorable little Joey Cramer, star of the most excellent "Flight of the Navigator." And apparently, he's been FOUND!

Reader Mobius01, aka "Karl S.," linked us to a an answerbag post entitled "Where is Joey Cramer?" On that site, one "Gordo" reveals that Joey "is working in a sporting goods store in Sechelt in B.C (on the Sunshine Coast)." He even provides a photo! Eagle-eyed readers will spot that the fan in the photo is holding a VHS of none other than "Flight of the Navigator." Is this really him? Let's do a quick side by side comparison:

Survey says ... yes? The fact that he's wearing a red shirts seems to help a bit.

Further research reveals that there are three sporting good store in Sechelt, British Columbia: Off The Edge Adventure Sports Ltd , Rivers Edge Sport Fishing Outfitters and Source For Sports. Constant readers in the great sleeping giant to my north (aka Canada,) any future research would be most welcomed. Joey is still, as always, invited to do a guest-post on this blog.

Hooray for Joey Cramer, hooray hooray hooray!

A Blast from the Very Past

Oh man, long ago, back in 2001, a few scant weeks before those towers came down, when I was sort of eating-disordery and there was nothing at all to worry about in the world, the Saint Reverend Jen and I appeared on an episode of Peter Bernard's show "Rools Like Ozzy" to promote Rev's show that I was directing, and we also discussed the amazing moment when we encountered Giuliani and accosted him about the unjust cabaret laws in NYC, because, back then (and now), Dance is Not a Crime.

Look - unfortunate fashion, hairstyle and makeup choices from back in 2001 are also not a crime, okay? So power up that way-back machine and take a gander.

DO THE VEGA-BOOGIE

No, seriously, you ought to do it now.

Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to

They keep playing that song on tv, but all I can ever think of is "Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to ..." Oh, "Dave," you are the mightiest of presidential earworm providers.

Oh happiest of happy days. So happy, in fact, that I shall share this photo with you:


This morning, I shot a show for the VH1 that will air sometime in the near(ish) future. To mark the awesomeness of today, I wore my most awesome shirt ever -- Obama Riding a Unicorn. It is the greatest shirt in the whole multiverse. Chris Bishop should be hailed, not as a Chief, per se, but as the best t-shirt designer ever. (Because prior to designing Obama Riding a Unicorn, he also designed "Afternoon Delight" featuring two humping unicorns in front of a rainbow, which used to be my favorite tee-shirt until I got the Obama Riding a Unicorn tee-shirt, which is now, of course, my very most favorite).

So, this is me! Post-shoot! Wearing my Obama Riding a Unicorn shirt. Happy Best January 20th ever.

Suddenly, Everything Makes So Much More Sense

Remember when Sue Simmons dropped the F-bomb on the teevee?

Suddenly, it all makes so much more sense:


The missing link!! Suddenly everything makes so much more sense!!! If I saw a polar bear dancing on a couch, with such supreme dance moves, I would react in the exact same way as Sue Simmons! I feel like the world shifted on its axis and then wobbled back into its typical position, at the exact same moment that I watched this for the first time.

Thank goodness for Jon Friedman and his amazing abilities to set everything straight.

All I want for Xmas is Jews

To all the goyim who love the yids ...

Would You Like to Swing on A Star?

Okay, so today is a poopy workday and I thought I'd take a 4-minute break and refresh myself by perusing Thinkgeek, which usually makes me feel a little bit better and also makes me want a clock that keeps time in binary, but today I found the most lovely thing: a moon in a jar!

So then I was like "a moon in a jar! Why is that so familiar?"

And then I found myself singing "Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, and be better off than you are, or would you rather be on Earth?"

And then I was like, "What the frak is that from?" And then the little man in my brain somehow dredged up a long-forgotten memory of a sitcom that maybe aired after "Small Wonder" and featured a girl who was an alien and had special powers and could freeze time. At first, I thought I was only remembering some sort of cherished childhood dream, until I realized it ACTUALLY was a tv show, and it was called "Out of This World."

It's a REAL SHOW! And Scott Baio directed 11 episodes!

But then I was like, "Wait, isn't this an actual real oldsy-timesy song, like from before it was about 'would you rather be on Earth?" So I looked it up. And it's a Bing Crosby song from the 40s aaaaand ... it is SUCH A MEAN SONG!!!!

This entire song is so anti-mule! (and also anti-pig and anti-fish). The whole thing is asking you,
"Would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule?" (or pig, or fish).

So, wait just a goll-darn minute. Why is this song so mule-ist and piggist and fishist? Why couldn't a mule swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar? The mule would just need a mule-shaped spacesuit, the exact same thing a human would need if she were to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. Same thing for the pig. And the fish, well, the fish would have it best of all! He could stay happily in his waterbowl (as long as the fishbowl is safely enclosed), and would just need a robotic arm for carrying home the moonbeams home in a jar. So I just don't get it. Why is it an either/or situation? I would like to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar, but I'm quite sure I could accomplish both activities were I a mule. Why has no one ever attacked this song before for being so needlessly cruel to mules? A mule should be able to grow up believing it can be anything it wants to be, except maybe a mule-mommy, although apparently some mules are fertile (contrary to popular belief).

So, what I'm saying is, be nice to mules. They have such velvety-soft noses. Look. Here is a photo of me feeding one. That is my patented feeding-the-mule face. It is copyrighted and everything.

Gentlemen, Start Your Tivo/DVR/Antiquated VCR

I'm pleased as very alcoholic punch to announce that a very special 1/2 hour tv show version of "Rock Band 2 the Stars" is airing on VH1 at 5:30pm on Thanksgiving, 11/27. It's just the thing to watch as you're drifting in and out of a tryptophan induced food coma.

So! Don't forget!

Thursday, 11/27 at 5:30pm! Only on VH1!

You can also catch the 1/2-hour tv special show on VH1 Classic:
Friday, 11/28 at 11pm!
Monday, 12/1 at 3:30 pm!
Friday, 12/5 at 2:30am!

I have Time Warner Cable and it comes up as "Rock Band 2" in my DVR list. The more you know!!!

The Grand Finale of Rock Band 2 the Stars

In the grand finale of "Rock Band 2 the Stars," Alice Cooper and First Blood face off against Sebastian Bach with A Vengeance at the legendary Viper Room. Only one band will reign supreme!

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What I Wish Justin Timberlake looked like during that Single Ladies sketch on SNL

Seriously. If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

A Brief Nattering of Thoughts on Grey's Anatomy

I was talking to my friend Lindsay at a wedding last weekend about how much we hate Grey's Anatomy, and yet we're still watching it. And after last week's episode, I'm not sure I can keep on keeping on with it. I mean, besides the opening monologues, which are such disgustingly masturbatory pieces of writing (eg: "As surgeons, we reach inside the human body and cut out the damaged parts, but, really, who reaches into us and cuts out our bad parts?") and now the fact that there's a perma-Denny-ghost who follows Izzie around. I will just say this:

this show will be off of my DVR list unless it turns out that Denny is actually a Cylon, a la the Six who is in Baltar's head. Seeing as Izzie followed the Navajo's advice (also, was that Navajo storyline PLUS the Asperger's storyline not vaguely offensive? And also made me miss Heather Kuzmich really badly) and burnt Denny's sweater and Denny is still around as ghost-Denny, then I'm thinking very strongly that Denny is actually a Cylon. Also, Madame President Roslyn as an Aspergery cardiac surgeon must be a not-so-subtle clue that Gr'anatomy is heading very quickly in Balactica territory. Please go back to being a President, Laura Roslyn! Cardiac surgeons on Grey's Anatomy have the worst careers ever -- they either make homophobic slurs off camera and get shit-canned or else they become lesbians that the network homophobically decides are too lesbionic for their show and they get shit-canned (even if they're the same person who once rubbed the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again). Please, President Roslyn, spare yourself before you meet the same fate.

Rock Band 2 The Stars - episode 5

It's up! And it's all about MAAAAAAAAKEOVERS! (Who doesn't love the makeover episode?)

Olbermann Takes on Prop 8. It's about LOVE. LOOOOOOOVE.

Gak, I love love love Keith Olbermann so much. His special comment tonight on the horrific hatred that is Prop 8 is a must-see for anyone with a heart:


(Read along!)

Scraps is Hypoallergenic AND a Mutt!

It's a lolbex!

And for the record, Scraps is perfect for the Obamas because this puppy will not trigger Malia's allergies, and is also a Mutt (of the Polish/Ukrainian variety).

Scraps Would Very Much Like to Be The Obamas' New Puppy

So, you know how sometimes you go to the So You Think You Can Dance live show and you get all excited about the world, and maybe earlier that day you tweeted that you'd like to throw your hat into the ring and be considered for the Obamas' new puppy? And then you get home from the SYTYCD tour, and you rode the path train by yourself because your friends had to leave early, and you were thinking about back in your early 20s when you, like, made stuff? And anyway, when you get home you log into facebook and all these people have made comments about your thing about wanting to be the Obamas' new puppy? I don't know. Maybe you paint your face like a dog and speak into your macbook. Or maybe that's just me.


O-mazingly awesome!

In Case You Weren't Quite Sure

Question: Can we be very drunk on Election Night and surge the streets and join the impromptu street party in front of the Obama storefront on 105th street and totally shut down Broadway with our awesomes and our "O-ba-ma" chanting?


Yes we can.

Episode 4 of "Rock Band 2 The Stars"

Featuring a superstar celebrity guest!

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Tweet Tweet Tweedely Deet

Oooh-ey, I am just back from pilates and boy is my back tired! No, really! It is. My back. It's tired. Not my arms, because I didn't just fly in from San Francisco. Thank you, tip your waitress.

So I very much enjoy Twitter, mostly because it's the best part of Facebook (the status updates) without the Vampire/Crush on You/Movie Quiz clutter. I guess I just like to know what other people are doing. It makes me feel connected. And we all need to feel connected, am I right ladies 'n' gendearms? Exactly. So, as testament to what is awesome about Twitter, and because it is almost midnight and I spent the night making Obama-themed snacks for tomorrow night's Election Watching of joy (right? Can I say that? Surely, it's going to happen? For the good? Great Scott, I can't even deal with it. Squeeeeeeeeeee) and I am just now enjoying a dinner of Soygurt and settling in to watch my tv (I watch SO MUCH TV! You'd never believe it if I told you! It is SO GREAT that I don't sleep!)and I was like "ooh, time to twitter!" (I guess you're supposed to say "time to tweet" but that makes me feel squirmy). And so, to testify as to why I like the twitter the oh so much, let me share this exchange (names changed from twitter names to actual first names, because, oddly enough, that guarantees anonymity! Say WHUT? I know. Googleability, ur doing it wrong!). Henceforth:

Bex: will not be able to sleep tonight. is this how the non-jews feel on Xmas eve (20 minutes ago)

Tom (in response): YES! (19 minutes ago)

Ben (in response to Tom's response): GAAAAAAA (17 minutes ago)

Bex (in response to Ben's response to Tom's response): egads! i suddenly grok all those Xmas cartoons & stopmotion tv shows. Good grief. I'll put out (soy) milk & cookies (15 minutes ago)

And then right after that, it's
BarackObama: Asking you to vote Nov. 4th. Visit http://VoteForChange.com, call 877-874-6226 or text VOTE to 62262 to find your polling locations

So. Yeah. Twitter. I loves it.

Get Out the Motherfrakking Vote

Greetings, to all ten of the 13-year old boys who read this blog. If you're over 18 and registered to vote, please tie a string around your finger so that you remember to vote tomorrow. If you don't vote for Obama, then I probably don't even want to speak to you again, so, hey, it's been real.

And if you do vote for Obama, then we'll remain friends.

If that's not enough to sway you moronic undecideds out there, then I don't know what you people are waiting for.

xoxox,
bex

PS:




This wallaby has a sad. The same sort of sad I will have if you do not vote for Obama.

Episode 3 of Rock Band 2 the Stars

Episode 3 of Rock Band 2 the Stars is now on the internets for your viewing pleasure! (And airing on VH1 Classic). I like this one a bunch. Woo woo!

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Dear Bex Winery, Please Sponsor Me

...and not in the 12-step sense of the word "sponsor," heh heh heh.

When I was in the Los Angeles for work this summer, I bought a bottle of Bex Riesling and kept it in my hotel room's minifridge (thank the stars for the screw top!) It was delightful. Just like me. (ha.) I, too, give way to fresh citrus, orange blossom and honeysuckle aromas.

Teehee. "Honeysuckle" sounds so dirrrrrty.

Rock Band 2 The Stars - episode 2

It's on the tv and on the internets!

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Watch "Scream Queens" Tonight at VH1 at 10/9c

Okay, puppydogs and kittens, I have absolutely nothing to do with "Scream Queens," I'm not even cutting promos for it. But, I just caught the sneak peek of the premiere episode that airs tonight (10/20) at 10pm on the VH1 and it is AWESOME. Just phenomenally compelling and entertaining. Great concept, wonderful characters, and filled with just the right level of earnest ridiculousness that I desire in a competitive reality show. Seriously - it's worth season-pass'ing on your DVR. It's that good. And, really, when have I steered you wrong? It's great to see VH1 shows that aren't about ho's. Don't tell them I said that. Here's the supertrailer to get you all excited and drooling blood and things:

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I Can Has Typo?

Even the old Grey Lady (The internetz version, anyway), makes mistakes.

I assuming that "gun-totting" involves stuffing tater tots in the barrels of guns, the way hippies used to do with flowers. That's a positive image. Will church-going dudes who try to dissuade violence by shoving tater tots into gun barrels vote for Obama? I (Dinah) shore hope so.

Hand Comes Out. Sketchy Arm.

Hello, tigers. You have probably already seen "Literal Take On Me" but if you haven't, then please do me a favor and when you get a second, acknowledge why I have a new favorite thing on the internet. It tickled my fancy so much that I laughed until I cried all my mascara off: (also, the awesome doesn't kick in til the vox start at around :40 -- don't give up early.)


Now there are rivulets of mascara running down my face, but man, it just hurts so good.

Rock Band 2 The Stars premieres TODAY

Rock Band 2 the Stars premieres today! On VH1 Classic! And will soon premiere on VH1. To whet your appetite as well as wetting your whistle, you can check out the first episode (erm, minisode) (erm, microsode?) on teh internetz:

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The Greatest Spirit Lifter of All Time

... with gratitude to Josh Danger.

Just when it couldn't get any worse! Heroes is so suckfest! And there's nothing fun to watch on tv tonight! And I got a letter from the company that manages my 401k informing me that I no longer work for the company for whom I work! (This is clearly a mistake, because I do, but, still.) Just in time! Here is the greatest music video of all time:

Rock Band 2 The Stars

Ahem, ahem. Ahem, ahem. ahem





Courtesy of hollywoodinsider.ew.com

I See Some Real Genius in Your Flying, Maverick

Maverick. Maverick. Maverick. Maverick.

Dear Tyra, I Just Want To Tell You That I Have The Shine

Dear Tyra,
When I was on vacation in Costa Rica in June, I took a bunch of photos in the pool and I said I was being JUST LIKE TOP MODEL, because I thought I remembered a shoot with one's face half in and half out of the water. Except, I apparently didn't remember it -- I foresaw it! With my psychic top model powers! Maybe, Tyra, that means that we have a subconscious link - like a neural network of awesomeness stretched across the sky. Check this shit out, baby! June 17th, 2008! I'm not all fancy glam made up, nor was Nigel shooting me in a wetsuit, but look! Same idea! Samesies!


In an infinity pool, to boot!

Love and kisses,
bex

These Are Our Fundamentals

It might be because I am hepped up on decongestants and other things designed to make me feel like a human again, but since "We Didn't Start the Fire" is first song I ever sang backwards, it occupies a small but important place in my heart. That's why when Verizon Wireless employees sing about their fundamentals to the tune of that Billy Joel showstopper, my heart goes pitter patter.


Again, I am on cold/flu medicine drugs. Take everthing I say with a grain of Mucinex-D.

"Dear Sarah Palin, Thank You So Much for Your Contribution to Planned Parenthood"

My best friend Mandy forwarded an amazingly devious and wonderful way to stick it to the (wo)man.

I, of course, hope that every reader of the blog (all 7 of you -- haaaay!) are as Go-Bama as I am, but if you feel weird about donating to his campaign (which you shouldn't because, seriously, the alternative to an Obama/Biden executive branch is pretty much certain hell) perhaps this is an idea for you. McCain thought he was being all pro-Lady by choosing Palin, but what he basically did was slap us all in the vagina by nominating a crazytalk Prolife woman to be his Vice President and probably President because he doesn't seem long for this world, and a Palin presidency is so terrifying I would have to leave the country if it happened. And so ... so you don't want to donate to Obama (but, really, you ought to), but you want to protect a woman's right to choose and you want to keep the government out of your uterus -- so here is a "fiendishly brilliant alternative" to donating to Obama's campaign.

Make a donation to Planned Parenthood. In Sarah Palin's name. And here's the good part: when you make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her name, they'll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor. Click here to donate to Planned Parenthood website in Sarah Palin's name. You'll need to fill in the address to let the good people of Planned Parenthood know where to send the thank you card to Sarah Palin. The instigator of this idea suggests sending the card to the McCain HQ, which is:

McCain for President
1235 S. Clark Street
1st Floor
Arlington, VA 22202


Perhaps this could become a nice interweb hack, and the press will pick up on the millions of dollars being donated to Planned Parenthood in Sarah Palin's name and run stories about how she ought to be ashamed by her anti-abortion stance as a woman with a uterus, and then won't the ovary be all over her face.

Update: This is Patt Morrison's idea! Kudos (the chocolate and peanut butter variety).

I Read It in the Daily News

Lookity loo, I'm quoted in the Daily News because Caroline Waxler is awesome.

"I Feel So Funky"

In a wonderful instance of the universe being awesome, mere days after pouring my love for Ghostbusters all over the internets, I am thrilled to announce that I am changing hotels tomorrow -- not just because this hotel requires crazy circumnavigation to get to because of too many impossible-to-make-left-turns but also because they smash glass bottles outside of my room every night and it is very far away from everywhere I need to go in LA -- but mostly because I am switching to the very hotel that played "The Sedgewick" in Ghostbusters. That's right. I will be staying in the very hotel where they got slimed. I hope Slimer is still there, but is the helpful, lovely Slimer of the cartoon rather than the mischievous beastie of the movie. Although I have already pulled a Lucy Ricardo and ironed an iron-shape into one of my skirts, so what additional damage could a beastie Slimer do? Nothing. Exactly. SLIME ME, SLIMER! I want to feel funky, too!

That's Not Legal

I would like to say, for the record, that were I in a situation like on Mad Men when Bobbie Barrett was asking Don Draper what he liked, I would not hesitate to answer. These are things that I like that are right on the very tippy toppermost of my tongue:

Pandas!
Reality television!
Also some more pandas!
Science Fiction!
Futurism / Singularity thinkings and thoughts!
Survival from Zombies (both literal and metaphorical)
Snorking!

Rich's top model recaps!
Still yet more pandas!
The Hold Steady!
Ghostbusters!

And that's just on the very outermost membrane. I could go on. But I shan't. Because, in light of all the delightful news about Ghostbusters 3, and also after a discussion with a friend about Ghostbusters 2 --

ahem -- (yes, it's flawed! but, yes: it's a movie about ghostbusters (ghostbusters!) with an evil Carpathian villain and Peter MacNicol and its message is that you have to be positive and nice because that is the only way to destroy a giant seething mass of pure evil slime that has taken over your city and filled it with bad energy and there are crazy ghosts running amok and ladies are being attacked by their very own fur coats and the ghost Titanic shows up ("better late than never!"), and sometimes goll darn it, you might need the Statue of Liberty to rally the people into being nice and positive because, clearly, ISN'T THAT WHAT NATIONAL MONUMENTS ARE ALL ABOUT???

{in 2008, i feel like the Statue of Liberty would not be able to get a mob of New Yorkers to generate positive vibes. They would have to shower the city with Insta-Health-Coverage and Affordable Real Estate vouchers and then people would be thrilled}.

But perhaps, in 1989 national monuments still made people happy. And it gives one hope to think that even if evil slime is making crazy electrocuted-prisoner ghosts turn your courtrooms upside down, you can counter evil slime with good vibes and turn it into good, happy slime, and then if you were to think happy thoughts and also perhaps play Howard Huntsberry's cover version of the Jackie Wilson song "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher" for the slime because it seems to particularly like that song, and then you could perhaps harvest and harness the power of the happy slime vibrations, and then you could apply that potential energy to the Statue of Liberty and turn it into kinetic energy, why then -- then you could make the Statue of Liberty walk to the Art Museum, and then people would see it and be cheered! And then their good will and joy could break the evil slime's hold on the city and all would be right with the world and Dan Ackroyd would be acting like he was on Ecstasy. Whatta message, am I right? Even when evil slime is oozing all over your city and making holographic ghosts chase its inhabitants around the city, things will get better by thinking good thoughts and doing good things. I am an avowed hippie, and I say to you: think good thoughts and do good things and things will get better. ) --

unahem. -- So. Therefore. I find myself thinking often about Ghostbusters. GHOSTBUSTERS!

Anyway. So Ghostbusters 2 is no Ghostbusters 1, but it's still awesome. Because ... it's the Ghostbusters. So, please, rap along:

(Christopher Reeve at 1:16!)

Dirty looks! Dirty looks!

An anecdote:

In 3rd grade, a friend and I were totally obsessed with Alice Cooper's song “School’s Out” and we brought the song in and played the cassette for our class around the last day of school, after which I exclaimed “Dirty looks! Dirty looks!”

And, like, totally kept on doing that for months and months whenever I was excited about something. “The ice cream man! Dirty looks! Dirty looks!”

Because I have a long and sundried history of mis-interpreting lyrics, I somehow determined that the refrain from the song went “No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers! Dirty looks!”

As if “Dirty Looks!” was something that you would say when you were stoked about something, eg “School’s out for summer! Right on! Dirty looks!”

I mean, I did that for MONTHS. It wasn’t like I was trying to make “Dirty Looks” happen, I sort of assumed it was something that the cool kids (because who was cooler than Alice Cooper?) said.

“Oh boy, a new episode of Alf is on tonight? DIRTY LOOKS! DIRTY LOOKS! DIRTY LOOKS!”

So, on that note: I'm going to LA on Monday. Who wants to hang out? Dirty looks! Dirty looks! Dirty looks!

McCain/Palin = Tighe/Fey?

I am surely not the first to point this out, but my friend Matt and I have decided:

Ahem:

Is this not McCain?


And is this not Palin?


Locke's Dad + Liz Lemon = McCain/Palin.

Do you want a president who would steal your kidney? No. No, no you don't. That's why you're voting Obama/Biden on November 4th. Just checking.

This is How I Feel Most of the Time Right Now

When I'm not hugging my panda, this is how I feel all the time:

I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying

The Greatest Love of All

From Noahsam ... .. who says "The most powerful love all ... it's a forbidden love."

Why doesn't that panda love meeeeeeeeeee?

Big Idea / Bad Idea

Back in March, right after I was out for the count with horrific stummy problems, I did a segment on Donny Deutsch's show "The Big Idea" on CNBC. And now, due to the fact that I am highly anxious and not sleeping so much and therefore have late-night/early-morning bandwidth for being technomological, I have put it on the internets for your viewing pleasure. It's me and the lovely Bernadette Pauley duking it out about a variety of topics that were, uh, topical on March 13th.

Quelle Dommage: The Worst Morning Ever Story

So I woke up this morning with a hankering for an iced hazelnut coffee. Luckily for me, I had hazelnut coffee in my freezer so I decided I would brew a big ol' full pot of coffee, which I would then transfer into a handy-dandy glass pitcher and keep it in my fridge to enjoy iced coffee throughout the week. I am not fancy about my coffee, nor am I snobbish about its freshness, to be sure. I just want caffeine, preferably with fake sugar and fiber-enriched soy milk. Now, I hadn't made coffee in my coffeemaker for many, many months. Ever since my stummy became sick, I sort of don't drink so much coffee, and when I do, it's usually iced and purchased en route to work or during work or some such. When I caffienate in the morning, my drug of choice is Yerba Mate because it doesn't really frak with my stummy and it also provides a pleasant pick-me-up.

But! This morning was not like all other mornings. I poured the water tank full of water from my Pur (I'm a Pur girl, not a Brita girl) pitcher and scooped the coffee into the coffee filter and hit the "on" button and then went on my merry way to take a shower and shave my legs and exfoliate and do all the things that ladies do in the shower while listening to 101.1 CBS FM in the mornings. While I was showering, I heard a tremendous noise, but there are almost always loud noises in the morning in and around my building, since I live above a subway and on a very busy thoroughfare and there are people who live near me who apparently torture their children during the day (judging by the sounds of it) and they are also re-paving the streets so there's lots of heavy machinery making lots of rumblings all the time.

So I wrapped myself in a towel and padded through the living room to get some coffee before I got dressed and ... ruh-roh. The kitchen looked like a scene from Apocalypse Now, if Apocalypse Now took place in a white kitchen in which an entire pot full of hazelnut coffee had apparently exploded. It was a hazelnut disaster. The walls were spattered, and there were 12 cups of coffee dripping down the fridge and the pantry, all over my (white) kitchen table and my (white) kitchen counters and my (white) appliances. And there was broken glass everywhere (people pissing on the stairs, you know they just don't care) (not really, I was just making a Grandmaster Flash reference for you) so I put on my flipflops and grabbed a roll of paper towels and three different spray cleaners and I cleaned the kitchen and coated myself in a fine sheen of hazelnut coffee and dyed my towel hazelnut coffee colored. So I took another shower.

I can only imagine there was some sort of crack or something in the coffeepot, and since I haven't made coffee in months and months and months, I didn't notice. Note to self: always check for cracks and/or explosives in one's coffeepot before brewing 12 cups of hazelnut coffee!

And then I got dressed and put my hair into pigtails and put on some heels and realized I should really take out the trash, because my trash can was, by now, filled with an entire roll of hazelnut-coffee-soaked paper towels. So I grabbed my gym bag and my purse and pulled the trash bag out of the trash can and set off down the stairs. And halfway down, I slipped and fell down a full flight of stairs and landed on my butt. And somehow when I slipped and fell I managed to toss the trash bag up into the air, and I watched it tumble down, in slow motion, spilling its contents all over the stairs and all over me.

So I went back to my apartment, got another roll of paper towels (I buy them in bulk) and cleaned up the trash from the stairs, getting rotting vegetable matter all over me in the process. So then I had to go upstairs and take another shower. And put on fresh clothes. And put my hair back into pigtails.

It was really tremendously amazing.

And now my butt is bruised and hurts like a motherfrakker.

Awesome.

No Milk Today

So I was happily fumbling through dreamland, all cozied up in my bedding, as snug as a bug in a rug. I sleep all curled up into a nautilus/fetal sort of position, with my panda under my arm (I know. Seriously, I know. But he's such a tragic panda! ) And I was having this really vivid dream about being in a sort of industrial kitchen and preparing such tasty victuals as the most awesome grilled soy-cheese sandwich in the world, along with a delicious and refreshing Soy Russian (like a white Russian, but with soy, like duh) and in my dream it was very hot in the industrial kitchen and I was just drenched in sweat and commented about it in the dream and then suddenly lurched into awakeness and realized that I was actually drenched in sweat because I'd managed to burrow into a little nest under my quilt and my den of pillows, and it was sort of weird. But the weirdest part was that I woke up singing Cyndi Lauper's song "Lactose Intolerant" which she sang on Letterman in 1995, just around the time the first Starbucks opened in a neighboring town and I had my first frappacino and paid the consequences dearly. And then I went to get some water (must rehydrate) and looked it up on youtube and it's there. So, it must be a sign from the Universe to share it with you:


Lyrics:
I lack the enzymes to
Properly digest lactose
I can't drink cow's milk
I can't drink milk from a goat
Yogurt, cottage cheese...make me throw up
Please no cream in my cup
My stomach is swelling
I am lactose...intolerant
My throat is constricting
I am lactose...intolerant

And so, for whatever reason, I'm glad you could all experience the awesomeness of Cyndi Lauper singing about an affliction that affects oh-so-many of the Jews and apparently 100% of the Native Americans, according to wiki. Word.

Rocking the 201

For those of you who don't live in Bergen County, New Jersey, odds are really good that you don't receive "201 Magazine" -- the "Best of Bergen". I am honored to be featured in their July edition as one of the "Rising Stars" from Bergen County (alongside no less than the Jonas Brothers - squeee!) And I know you're all like, "Damn, I would so very much like to read that full-page article about you and gaze in rapture upon the photo that was taken but moments after you broke your big toe into many pieces!" Ka-blam: luckily for you, my dad is super tech-savvy (He's an engineer, doncha know) (not, however, the kind of engineer who wears a striped hat and drives a train - believe me, i was confused for much of my early childhood) and he scanned the article AND transcribed it (to send to my fambly members who do the email thing, I think) and I am mooching off of his good will to share it with you. Avec vous. Yes, indeed.

So, behold: this is me, on my way to becoming mildly somewhat almost recognizable amongst denizens of the affluent sections of Bergen County who have a 201 area code:


(photo by Ted Axlerod, who gamely lugged lights up four flights of stairs to my apartment and photographed me in my kitchen. Yes, my kitchen is bright red. You'd love it).

(you can clickity click on that photo to see it larger, I think).

And here is the accompanying text, by Ian Spelling, who's totally rad.

FUNNY FACE
Bex Schwartz is a writer, director, commedianne, singer, host, commentator, blogger, and familiar face to VH-1 and MSNBC viewers, but at the end of the day, she sums it all up thusly:
"I am" the 29-year-old Glen Rock native explains, "a comediator."
Come again? Comediator?
"It's an official term," Schwartz insists. "The whole thing about what we do on VH-1, or that I do on the news channels is, I'm being a comedian and a commentator. So I think the logical intersection is 'comediator'. I can hardly believe it's my job," she enthuses. "I mostly don't get paid for my on-air stuff, but we can pretend I do! I do it for the love of being on television. There's so much pop culture gossip out there, and I like deconstructing in a comedic way - and hopefully, in a more intellectual way."
Growing up in Glen Rock, Schwartz thought of herself as satirical, rather than ha-ha funny. She focused on directing after college and gravitated toward avant garde/post-modern theater and performance art. "I was very earnest," she says, "and I was going to change the world through art." Later, unprepared for a show in Manhattan, Schwartz improvised by sounding off about her family and life - and the audience cracked up. That paved the way to stand-up opportunities and later, her current day job as a senior writer-producer-director of on-air promos for VH-1. Nowadays, the lines between her day and night gigs are, she explains, "blurred beyond recognition."
Of course, there's always the danger that Schwartz could become so hot and so famous, she'll be the butt of exactly the kind of pop-culture skewering at which she excels. Not that that scares her. "I think that's the ultimate goal for anyone trying to make it in the entertainment industry," Schwartz says, "that random people like me end up making fun of you on television."

It's such a nice piece that I will forgive Ian for putting a hyphen into "VH1" (no hyphen, people! you could get fired for such an offense!) and I think he was calling me "Funny Face" in a nice way, not implying that I have a funny face, although, of course, I do have a rather funny face.

Anyway! 201 Magazine! On Newsstands in Bergen County now! You can say you knew me when! (bwa ha!)

"Somebody's Dad is Waving Right There"

Finally ... FIIINALLY ... FIIIIIIINAAAAALLLYYYYYY someone has taken the time to decipher, transcribe, and illustrate Joe Cocker's "A Little Help From My Friends" performance at Woodstock. I truly had no idea that Joe Cocker was a poet of such tremendous impact. This is the most enlightening experience I've had in months and months.

Reality Show SCANDALS

You guys. My all-time favorite television appearance re-aired last night on "Showbiz Tonight" so I wanted to share it with you. Seriously. All-time-fave-rave-talking-head appearance EVER.



PS: So I've been drowning in Rock Honors: The Who (Thursday, July 17th at 9/8c, only on vh1!) and then I went to Costa Rica and then I was an interfaith ministrix/Reverend SuperJew for the best wedding ever so I have been mega-lax on the updates. Whoopsies.

A Bullet-Eating Duck

Someday, perhaps when I've been drinking, please ask me to do my impression of the Bullet-Eating Duck and the Bonus Round Bear from the coleco game "Carnival."

It's must-see-tv.

SUPER HOT COMEDY ACTION! Thursday, June 5th! 7:30pm!

HEEEEY YOU GUYYYYS. I am filling in for my good buddypal Auntie Sara tomorrow night and hosting her amazing show, "Family Hour." Here's the scoop:

Come see why the New York Post calls Family Hour with Auntie Sara "one of the city's best bets for alternative comedy!" This hilariously unique family-themed (but not family-appropriate) night of stand-up and storytelling happens each Thursday at 7:30 PM at Ochi's Lounge/Comix. From attempted murder to Survivor audition tapes, these comedians' parents (and grandparents, and cousins, and siblings) have done it all. Best of all, Auntie Sara gives you FREE HOMEBAKED COOKIES! No cover, 1 item min. purchase. See http://www.sarabenincasa.com for more info. This week: special guest host, Auntie Bex Schwartz! (VH1, CNN) (that's me! -- ed.)

Featuring these amazingly talented and wonderful comedians:
Greg Johnson
Dan St. Germain
Gilad Foss
Cousin-in-Residence Kambri Crews
Mara Herron
Carmen Lynch
Godfather-in-Residence Tom Shillue
H. Alan Scott

Thursday, June 5th.
Ochi's Lounge at Comix - 353 West 14th, just east of 9th Ave.

YES WE CAN

HAPPY DAY!

Things Like This Make it Possible To Get Out of Bed in the Morning

Yes, tigers. There are things to make even the most permanent over-sleeper (that's me. I'm not wired for the mornings) get up in the morning. Things like unicorns, and soy vanilla pudding and The Hold Steady. But, more importantly, there are things like the classic "We Are the World" video (a highlight of 1984, to be sure, and the focal point of my first-grade existence), done all-new-all-over-again -- this time, starring Japanese impersonators playing each celebrity role and mimicking their lines. If just for the guy doing Bruce Springsteen (which was always the part I played when my friends and I would recreate this video), this is youtubular amazingness. It tickles my pleasure center.


And, O goodness; the Cyndi Lauper lady. Dead on, sister, just dead on. And Ray Charles! Gah! Ray Charles!

I don't know if you share the same near-obsessive compulsion with W.A.T.W., but I used to watch that shit over and over again and I knew every word and I could even identify everyone in the video (why is Dan Ackroyd there?) and if you'd like to know everyone who pops up, there's info here, but it's sort of cheating because, really, you should be able to recognize EVERYONE - Al Jarreau, whuuuuut?

(hat tip to the always wonderful BWE.tv for the amazingness).

Send them your hearts so they know that someone cares, and their lives will be stronger and free.

BEST FREAKOUTS EVER - now on CNN.com

Hey you guyyyys!
That piece I was in on "Showbiz Tonight" last week about the "Best Freakouts EVER" is now available for your online viewing pleasure. Watch it right here!

Why You Should TOTALLY Watch So You Think You Can Dance

Because people like this Robert Muraine cat are SO STUPID SICK (thanks, Mia Michaels).



I mean, whuuuut? Those are LIQUID LIMBS, people. Liquid!

I love this show sooooo very much. And now that Idol is over (and Survivor, and Gr'anatomy, and Lost is almost done, and there's no Big Brother for a while,) and I am laid up with a busted-up broken-down toe, I needs my fix of t-t-t-t-tasty tasty tv.

A Tableau

This is my broken toe. And my panda. And my firecane. And my new oversized pillows. These are basically the items around which my life is rotating right now. It's phenomenally glamourous.

Best Freakouts EVER -- on Showbiz Tonight

... watch me on last night's Showbiz Tonight! Discussing "BEST FREAKOUTS EVER."

House's FIRE CANE (which is also MY fire cane)

Last night on "House," drunken House forgot his firecane and Amber had to get on the bus to give it to him (even though she had driven to the bar, which was weird, because why would she leave her car at the bar and take the bus with House, shouldn't she have let House get on the bus sans cane and then dropped the cane off at his townhouse, or even given it to Wilson to give to House the next day at Plainsboro Teaching Hospital? I guess if she hadn't gotten on the bus, we'd have no two-part finale, but for a smart lady, I thought she made a dumb-ass choice). But! We got a nice long look at House's firecane, which just so happens to also be MY firecane, because I am hobbling around on it since I can't put any weight on my right foot, which is the foot with the broken big toe. So I was clutching my House firecane just when House received his own firecane! So House and I shared a real moment!

Of course, my friend Lindsayism / 'gum already blogged about House and his/my firecane last week so you already know where to get a House firecane of your very own.

But you should be forewarned that I already have House's firecane and since I am biting his style, you will be biting mine. But I'm sort of okay with that. Firecanes can take NYC by firestorm! (I am on a lot of painkillers. Forgive me).