I'm Not Saying It Was Aliens, But ...

Did anyone else just hear what sounded like a low-flying airplane with a rumble that lasted so long it could only have come from a very, very, very large airplane, or perhaps something one could even call a spaceship? Because, boy, I just did. At 3:15am. Anyone else? (And no, I wasn't at a holiday party tonight, thus I am not hepped up on free booze, so I wasn't hallucinating. I don't think). Anyway. Anyone? Anyone?

Pickle Puberty

Noah was so inspired by the terrifying nature of "Pickle Surpise" and the horrible, horrifying baby belter Anthony G (watch his wannabe Liza performance on the Today Show at Gawker!) that he just had to create the most hypnotic, trance-inducing morph of all time.



YOU CAN'T STOP WATCHING! YOU JUST CAN'T!

(eeeks! just wait til that kid starts turning tricks, then everything will be all right).

(Where's the pickle NOW, eh?)

(I thought this thing was so damn genius I had to post it on the internets for all of Eternia. Noah is a genius! Noah is a genius!)

Where's the Pickle?

I have thrown my back out and my head is hurty mcburty and I'm so sad that I anticipate Baby TyTy to win ANTM tonight, because there's no way Droopy Eye or the Tooth Monster could possibly win it, but this video is making my life a little bit better. Love and kisses to Evil Robot for the heads up.

The Killing Nail

... to all I Love New York viewers, I would just like to say during that this week's episode, where she got all crazy over Buddha coming and going from her hotel room, she was oh-so-clearly going through the irrationality that can only come about when one has PMS and one is taking the birth control pillsies. Soul Sister, Tiffany! I salute you for putting the Yasmin-crazies on the television! (Can I get a what-what from the ladies who get all crazy from the birth control pill! WHAT WHAT.)

Incidentally, I am going to start a band called "The Killing Nail."

Who's in?

(screengrab ganked from Rich's celebreality recap at the VH1 blog. Loves it!)

Postscript:
I texted Rich that I wanted to start a band called "The Killing Nail" and he promptly replied "Sister Patterson and The Killing Nail." To which I say: it now appears here on the internets, 11:29 pm on Tuesday, December 11th, 2007, thus it is copywritten and claimed so, srsly, don't go stealing it. Because it is so good it makes me squeal. Squeeee!

When You Say "Tilda Swinton," I Say "The Woman With the Vanilla Dress from DON'T EAT THE PICTURES."

So Josh says "blah blah Tilda Swinton" and I said, "To me, Tilda Swinton is the lady in the painting from when Sesame Street Goes to the Museum."

A little research, and it turns out "Sesame Street Goes to the Museum" is actually called "Don't Eat the Pictures." So then I just had to watch "Don't Eat the Pictures" on Youtube.


And then I just had to take a screengrab of the painting:

... and then I made close-up of the screengrab and sent it to my boyfriend, my friend Matt, and my mother, all of whom said it was a Modigliani. So i looked up Modigliani paintings, and found this:

So then, armed with an actual copy of the lady in the vanilla dress (apparently a lady named Jeanne Hebutern,) I made this happen:



And so. Now you see. You say "Tilda Swinton," I say "Lady in the vanilla dress."

And thank you for reading this exciting account of how my brain works and why.

I Has a Hat

... from last night's post-holiday party extravaganza.

LOVES IT!

I went snorkeling with sea turkles. Now I just want a sea turkle of my own to hug.

On Dr. Jan Adams' Appearance on Larry King -- or Lack Thereof

... I'm heading for the far away, but I just wanted to say:

tonight, when the panelists on Larry King were commenting on Dr. Jan Adams' statement and walk-off just minutes before (and the b-roll was of the walk-off itself), it officially became the moment when Larry King Live ate itself and turned into "I Love 5 Minutes Ago."

The news commentary was about news that happened JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO. An insta-news cycle about a not-really-news story. I guess nothing else is going on in the world? The war? Nuclear things, huh? Genocide?

Oh, I guess not.

Watch Rock Band Cometh: Act 5, Latest Online Video from null | View Original Reality TV Shows | VH1.com

In celebration of tomorrow's mind-bogglingly-awesome launch of "ROCK BAND" the videogame, here is Act 5 of "Rock Band Cometh: The Rock Band Band Story."

Watch the show on VH1 Classic and VH1! Buy "Rock Band." Woooohooooo!

ROCK BAND BAND makes WIRED.COM

... and the hits just keep on coming!

Check out the piece right here!

Rock Band Band Makes Spin!

... because of their beef with Coheed & Cambria trying to play Rock Band.

Full article here!

There is Power in a Union

In case you were confused about the WGA strike ...

Hope is the Thing With Feathers

A very wise man once told me that you can sing nearly every Emily Dickinson poem to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas."

Let's try!

First, listen to the song:


Now try it!

The yellow rose of Texas:
There's a yellow rose in Texas, that I am going to see,
Nobody else could miss her,
not half as much as me.
She cried so when I left her,
it like to broke my heart,
And if I ever find her,
we nevermore will part.

Hope is the Thing With Feathers:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.



Yup. Still works.

Incidentally, according to Woody, hope is not the thing with feathers. That is my nephew and I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

ROCK BAND COUNTDOWNS - EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK at 8pm on VH1 Classic

I forgot to mention this, but please check out Rock Band Band and Mark Goodman (original MTV vj!) every night this week at 8pm on VH1 Classic. We shot five "ROCK BAND COUNTDOWNS" celebrating the top 10 drummers, top 10 bassists, guitarists, frontmen, bands, etc. Last night was the drummers show and you may have missed it, but they're repeating every night. Tune in tonight!

And also: act iv of ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY is up on the internets:

Best. Headline. Ever.

Snerk, snerk, snerk. (with thanks to Tom for the best headline tip of all time).

From the article itself:
A SUCCESSFUL businessman with a large property in the shadow of a mountain range near the NSW hamlet of Michelago has shocked the local community by driving to the outskirts of Canberra and shooting another man dead.

He then drove back to his isolated residence where it is believed he took his own life.

A murder-suicide is never funny, but it's a little sort of funny when it provides the best headline in the entire world.

TONIGHT! On VH1 Classic! At 8pm!

It's the premiere of the very first 1/2 hour show I've written and directed for the teevee. Please watch ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY tonight at 8/7c on VH1 Classic. Just for me. Please?

Please please please watch ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY SUNDAY 11/11 at 8pm on VH1 Classic

I've said it before, and I've said what I meant: please watch my tv show 100%.


That's right! The 30 minute premiere of ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY premieres Sunday, November 11th at 8pm on VH1 Classic. It's my firstest tv show! I wrote and directed it and it is kickawesome and you should watch it, pretty please.

NED? Ned Ryerson?

I just wanted to point out that the actor on "Heroes" playing morally-ambiguous maybe-good/maybe-bad Primatech leader Bob:

is the same guy who played Ned Ryerson, "Needlenose Ned,"Ned the Head," he did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, he dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told him not to anymore? Well?


Bless your heart, Stephen Tobolowsky.

Rock Band Cometh: Act 3

Act III of "Rock Band Cometh: The Rock Band Band Story" is up on VSPOT and airing on VH1 Classic. And set your DVRs now -- the full documentary airs SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11th at 8pm on VH1 Classic.

Without further adoo-doo, here is act 3:

Rock Band Cometh: The Rock Band Band Story ... ACT II

You could stay glued to VH1 Classic to catch the next installment of the Rock Band Band story, or you could watch Act 2 right here! (or at rockband.vh1.com)

Rock Band Cometh: The Rock Band Band Story -- ACT I

As many of you know, I sort of disappeared for a while (a long while) because I was immersed in the creation of my first documentary about the legendary group Rock Band Band. The whole thing premieres at 8pm on 11/11 on VH1 Classic, but we're rolling out each act just to tease you. Please do watch Act I.

Remember When I Hosted "Sister ACt" on AMC?

Look, now you can watch me hosting "Sister Act" without actually having to watch Sister Act. Amazing, right? Also, I look insanely like a horse in this thumbnail. Don't think I'm not proud of that fact. Because I am proud. OH YES, I am proud. Whinnnnnnny.

Bex hosts Date Night on AMC
Uploaded by starbex

Not Just Any Band ... it's Rock Band Band

I'm pleased to announce the on-air launch of a documentary I wrote and directed called: ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY.

It's about the hardest-rocking, most kickawesome, debaucherous band EVER, who just happen to rock out on plastic instruments.

The doc will be coming to VH1 Classic soon (stay tuned for details), but just to whet your appetite, check out Rock Band Band at vh1.com. There, you can see photos of the band, check out their timeline, and watch their legendary stop-motion music video (they did it long before Peter Gabriel even thought of "Sledgehammer") and, most excitingly, the first act from the documentary.

Additionally, Rock Band Band only just learned how to use the internets and the band members would be pleased as punch if you'd become their myspace myfriend.

Best News of the Day: Dumbledore is Gay!

Wowie zowie! JK Rowling outed Dumbledore last night!

According to the ever-esteembable AOL news,

Rowling was asked by one young fan whether Dumbledore finds "true love."

"Dumbledore is gay," the author responded to gasps and applause.

She then explained that Dumbledore was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, whom he defeated long ago in a battle between good and bad wizards. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," Rowling said of Dumbledore's feelings, adding that Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down."

Awesome. Truly, I always thoughhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gift he and had a special man-phoenix sort of love going on, so perhaps Rowling wanted to drop the gay-bomb before she dropped the mythical-bestiality-bomb.

ROCK BAND BAND hits the Internets

You guys, I know I've disappeared off the planet for several months because I've been working on a documentary called "ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY."

It's the real true story of ROCK BAND BAND, the greatest band ever to rock out on plastic instruments.

ROCK BAND BAND is live on the internets!

In fact, you can read their tour survival guide RIGHT HERE!

And, if you're REALLY awesome, you can befriend Rock Band Band on myspace! (they're a little late to the myspace game because they only just learned how to use the internets).

ROCK BAND COMETH: THE ROCK BAND BAND STORY will be hitting the airwaves soon. Stay tuned for details, and in the meantime, enjoy the worldwise re-release of Rock Band Band's groundbreaking stop-motion video (they made this long before anyone had even dreamed of combining music, video, and stop motion animation).


VH1.com Videos

Oh, Don Piano

... maybe because I am overly giddy because we put the mega project onto tape today, which means it's really getting to the almost-finished stage, or maybe it's because I'm exhausted, or maybe it's because ongoing stress has caused my adrenal glands to swell, or maybe it's because of my antibiotics. But I truly STILL (I know I posted this once before) think this is the most entertaining and amazing and intoxicating thing on the internets:

Yummy in My Tummy

I truly wonder if someone was fired over this.

Guess what those brown specks in the batter are!!! POOOOOOOOOOO FOR YOU TO EAT!


(image execution by Noahsam).

Today's Public Service Announcement

CNN's Latest Breaking News Announcement SHOCKS and AWES

" -- A court has ordered pop singer Britney Spears to give up custody of her children effective Wednesday at noon, according to court papers."

to which the world collectively responds, "OH, SNAP."

Sister Act tonight on AMC!

You guys. I've been shooting the best project ever this week and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. BUT! Let me share that tonight I am hosting AMC's Date Night's presentation of Sister Act on AMC at 8/7c. You should watch, mostly because Sister Act is awesome, but also because I'm hosting it and faux-speed-dating a bunch of dudes.

Haiku-Blogging the Emmys -- Upon Viewing the cast of Roots take the Stage 30 Years After Its Premiere

Oh! Levar Burton!
I tend to forget his eyes.
Levar DOES have eyes.

In Case You Missed It

If anyone knows how to hack streaming video and wants to (ahem ahem) put this shizz on the youtubes, be my guest. But perhaps you missed my appearance this week on the Abrams Report on MSNBC! I mean, for reals, what else were you doing on Monday night? Watching "Mission: Man Band?" If you were watching Man Band, that's forgivable. Any other excuse is l-to-izzame.

Look, here's me and Dr. Drew Pinsky talking about Britney: (click here)


And here's me and supercute Dan Abrams talking about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee (I'm at the end of the segment). Yes, I said "man sausage" on teevee, much to my mother's embarassment and chagrin. (click here)

Watch, rinse, repeat!

Party on Fountain

This is a really inside blog post, so if you didn't go to Wesleyan, you won't care.

But, to my fellow Wes alumni -- THIS SONG IS SO GREAT THAT WE DON'T EVEN DESERVE IT.
(right-click save-as).

It's called "Party on Fountain" and my sources tell me it's the masterwork of "New Teen
Force" members (Molly Gaebe '07, Mary Campion '07, Pat Wolf '07, Kate Heller '09 and Ted Feldman '09).

I don't know what New Teen Force is, because it didn't exist when I was there. Neither did "Zelnick," which is what they call that weird glass bus station that connects the '92 theater to the chapel and is generally a blight on the view from Foss Hill.

But it's lovely to note that parties at Eclectic still elicit the same response and there's still lots of random making out. Go wes!

I'm on MSNBC Tonight (September 10th)

Yo yo, tigers. I'm on MSNBC tonight, rocking the Abrams report with my thoughts about BritBrit and the Tommy Lee/ Kid Rock scuffle on the VMAs. The segment about Britney is with Dr. Drew (hearts!!!). I'm doing two segments in a row, so set your timeshifting device now! The show starts at 9 but I'll probably hit around 9:40.

A Haiku Unto Jennifer Garner's Confused Announcement that the Best New Group is "Gym Class Fallout"

Jennifer, I grok.
To me, gym class was toxic.
A simple mistake!

A Haiku Unto Learning from Shia Laboeuf that the new Indiana Jones movie is "Indiana Jones And the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

A kingdom like that
Sounds, truly, rather pleasant.
Sparkly skull? Pretty!

A Haiku Unto the Performances at the 2007 Video Music Awards on MTV

It's just refreshing
That you can lip-sync, no prob.
Why pretend it's real?

My First Haiku Unto the New Fall Season

Tim Gunn's Guide to Style
Is just "Queer Eye" for the girls.
Buy me clothes, Tim Gunn!

Even if You Don't Watch Big Brother 8 ...

... I certainly hope that the Beckettesque repetition of the bizarre, along with the absurdity of the cereal-flinging, coupled with the near-insane laughter of an unseen onlooker will make you chuckle as much as I did.



It's like "The Bald Soprano" of reality television. Loves it.

I Maded This

I have stories to tell and anecdotes to share but I am SUCH the busy-busy-bee right now. Until laters, gators: look I maded a cheezburger.

Hello Lunchmeat

There's an autumnal chill to the air which means I've been roasting cauliflower and thinking about how badly I want to go back-to-school shopping. Which made me think of one of my favorite all-time commercials, EVER:

Oooooooooooooooooooh

Theremin + Legend of Zelda = dreams do come true.

Watch me on TV Tonight!

Yo yo yo -- set your time-shifting television-recording device now! "The 40 Greatest Reality Show Moments 2" premieres tonight on VH1 at 8pm! Two hours of awesome! And it will probably repeat for many, many times! Because it's VH1!

Weeping Amber, the Anti Semite

So, I'm watching my first ever season of Big Brother, and I find it captivating. I'm also distraught at all the god-people on the show, although I like how the editors are quickly showing us how all the god-people are not high-and-mighty and good-living and nice, but are actually as douchetastic as the people-not-of-faith.

F'rinstance. Here's god-person Amber talking to god-person Jameka (incidentally, Jameka is the one who thinks the whole game is pre-deterined by god, and she also thinks that "god is gangsta." word). The audio is a wee murky at the top, but keep on watching and you'll soon discover that Amber is a nasty anti-semite, who probably feels DISNASTY after hugging Dustin all season, only to learn that Dustin is a (shock!) Jew. A gay Jew, at that!

I like how god-person Jameka starts slowly sidling away from Amber on the couch there as Amber gets more and more anti-semtically horrible. And also, Amber? You're on tv. And the internet. Good luck keeping that job as a Cocktail Waitress in Vegas, because we all know Vegas is run by the Jews.




Amber's comments:
"The majority of people I know from New York are Jewish, and the majority of Jewish people I know, my gosh, so many are so selfish. So weird. Even my sister always tells me, she's like my sister, and my mom will meet someone and I'll be like, 'I don't like that person. That person doesn't seem like a very good person to me,' and my mom and sister are like, 'You know why?' Why? 'They're Jewish.' How do you know? 'Amber you can tell by their last name, you can tell by their nose.' I'm like, 'Really?'"

FUCK ME WITH A HANDSAW

Geez louise! My typically 15-minute commute to work took me an hour and fifteen minutes. But at least I made it in. I'm cutting (yet another) Baio spot today and this place is a GHOST TOWN. Like, tumbleweeds style. For those of you who aren't in the NYC vicinity, there was some super duper evil weather and the subways aren't running and the buses are so crammed they're not even stopping. The mayor is actually telling people to stay home because there's no way that mass transit can get you where you need to go.

So I spent an eternity crammed like a sardine into a subway car with no a/c. I felt like a poor moo-cow on its way to slaughter. As did everyone else on train, which kept stopping for 20 minutes in between stations, which of course freaks me out because every time my subway stops between stations, my brain instantly assumes that there's another terrorist attack going or perhaps aliens have destroyed the city (it happens). But, no such thing -- just an aging infrastructure that can't support the sheer volume of commuters. Oh, the humanity.

Meme of the Food Shows

Tonight's Hell's Kitchen challenge: reinventing classic "American" dishes!!
That episode of Tof Chef where Micah was so insulting to Americans and their fondness for ketchup and yet her meatloaf was un-eatable: reinventing classic "American" dishes!!

Bonnie's assignment: reinvent franks and beans:
Lia's assignment: reinvent franks and beans (poorly, might I add. I would suggest: Tofurkey's beer brats or kielbasa -- mmm, "logs of chewy soy protein!" instead. or even smartpups! tofu dogs, i tell you!)
(I mean, dude, she just bought sausage and then she undercooked some lentils! Boring, Lia, boring!!

And, oh, see: poor Bonnie has never eaten franks-and-beans because she is a WASP.

Anyway. I must go eat my dinner (yes, I watch all my TV timeshifted) -- sauteed seitan over organic greens! reinvent THAT, suckas -- but apparently it is the season of the reinvention of classic "American" dishes!!

THE SEASON OF THE REINVENTION OF CLASSIC "AMERICAN" DISHES HAS ARRIVED!

I thus proclaim. Look for these reinvention-themed restaurants to crop up everywhere! WE ARE A NATION AT WAR and we are STARVING FOR COMFORT FOOD.

Catch the meme today.

But we're also not about to eat transfats. So, meme-spreaders, I ask of you only this: for the love of all things tasty and delicious, reinvent classic "American" dishes and serve 'em to the sheeple. For we are weary, depressed and in need of starch.

This Man IS An Island

This might be my alltime fave-rave New Yorker cartoon (thanks for the inspiration, Gawky!)

In fact, when I used to do performance-art-y funny stuff, I often liked to single out a dude in the audience and proclaim: "This man, ladies and gentlemen, this man IS an island."

You know. Because no man is an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.


But this man -- THIS MAN, friends -- literally is ... an island.

The mind reels.

So You Think You Can Wait on the World to Change

I'm sorry for my blog delinquence - I am all sorts of busy and spent right now, but please do dig some thoughts about So You Think You Can Dance and the Wade Robson / John Mayer performative debacle over on my Oomph blog!

LOLcat "River of Gods"

Confidential to fans of Ian Mcdonald's "River of Gods"

Michel Lauziere -- Master of Awesome

... this is by far one of the most whimsically amazing things I have ever seen on the teevee:

If I Were Ever To Have Children ...

... they would turn out JUST LIKE THIS:


(Kickawesome children-lipsyncing-Crazy-Frog video via my friend Steve's myspace page. Thanks, Steve!)

Rodeo from "Rock of Love" = Nicole Sullivan from "Mad TV"

Just wondering.

Rodeo from "Rock of Love"


Nicole Sullivan, of some tv stuff but you probably recognize her from "Mad TV"


Separated somewhere, if not at birth?

Fun With Edit

Ah! Akon's "Don't Matter" and R. Kelly's "Ignition" -- separated at birth? With a smidgen of the PussyCat Doll's "Stickwitu?" Eh eh?

Ignition Don't Matter Stickwitu
Uploaded by starbex

Not Getting Married Today

I meant to post this ages ago but apparently I am too busy to blog on my very own blog, alas. I saw the current production of "Company" the day it closed -- and they were filming it for a "Great Performances" on PBS and a DVD, no less! Perhaps you will hear me sneeze in the final production, as I sneezed several times during the show. I really enjoyed the show -- "Company" isn't my faverave of musicals, but the abstract staging was perfectly suited to the show (and worked much better than it did in the director's production of "Sweeney Todd," which, while awesome, wasn't *quite* as appropriate for the abstraction technique as "Company," which is already abstracted.)

And, of course, no one will ever own "Ladies who Lunch" the way Elaine Strich owns it, but the cast was really super awesome. Including Angel Desai, as Marta, who played the original "Spiritual Advisor" in my "There's no place like Celebreality" campaign featuring the singing-dancing cast of celebrity entourage members in a theme park environment.

But what I want to share is Madeline Kahn's genius take on "Not Getting Married" from a performance at Carnegie Hall. Gawrsh, I love that woman. What a frakking comedic genius and such talent. WE MISS YOU, MADELINE!




Also, I was super awesomely lucky enough to see Patti Lupone as Mama Rose in "Gypsy" last night and it was AMAZING and you should get tickets NOW because it's only around for three weeks.

Circumcision Jockey Shorts!!!

I went to go visit my friends and their new baby boy yesterday, and he was freshly circumcised. I wish I'd discovered this website sooner, because I would have brought him a set of special circumcision jockey shorts!!!

An Oldie but Goodie

I was first exposed to the magic that is the classic Barney/Tupac mashup back in 2002, long before Youtube was even a gleam in its parents' eyes. But it's still one of the most delicious things to watch ever, particularly the bit where they brush their teeth. See, I am going to see Xanadu tonight (drunkenly, bien sur) and I am so atwitter with excitement that I can hardly focus on writing scripts for Baio promos, and instead I am watching Barney lipsync Tupac for the 300th time. Join me, friends:

Today's Urban Dictionary Offerings

IM'ing with [redacted] results in positive neologisms! We hereby present: Douchtache and Googliable (pronunciation: goog-LIE-able):

He's Scott Baio; He's 45 and he's Still Single

This is my latest spot, for "Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single" (premieres Sunday 7/15 at 10:30, only on VH1!) A brief smattering of credits:
Writer/director: Bex
Producer: Flex
AD: JT
Music: Eargoo
DP: Peter Selesnick

Oh, yeah. Charles in charge of YOU, all the time!

Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single (image spot)
Uploaded by starbex

Michel Gondry: Cribs

Frakking a, this video colored me absolutely hilarious. It's perfect. Bravo, Olde English, bravo!



(link via Best Week Ever)

Score your own Sopranos Finale!

Blah blah David Chase blah.
Whatever, man -- the t-vision is storytelling and you didn't end your frakking story.

But, anyhoo: here's the most GENIUSEST WAY to get over your 'ranos agita!

Score your own finale!

Gawrsh, those boys at the Stereogum are so fucking awesomely smart.

Plug any mp3 link into the little boxy thing and watch the cinematic magic happen!!! Check out the Stereogum's suggestions and then see what the other 'gum readers have to say.

Seriously, I could play with this ALL DAY LONG.

I'm in LA and I've Already Gawker Stalked

... or "privacy watched," as they call it on Defamer. Check it on out!


· Monday night, at the Viceroy -- it was a battle of the noses! The Butterscotch Stallion Owen Wilson was chilling in the back of the bar with none other than Adrien Brody! They surveyed the back patio area before heading inside (it was pretty cold, admittedly). They were pretty low-profile, and left a little before last call (at midnight? what is UP with this city?).

Ta-diddly dah!

California, Here I Come

Tigers, I am off to fabulous LA to shoot a spot with none other than THE Scott Baio, to promote his new show "Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single" (premieres Sunday, July 15th at 10:30 / 9:30 c, only on VH1!) I'll report in from the other coast, I promise.

The Other Side of The Shadow Knowing in Aqaba

Always Something There To Remind You

... that you can read my most pop culture-riffic thoughts over on my Oomph blog.

The Shadow Knows in Aqaba

World Heritage Sites in Poopy Land

If you go to the wiki about Petra and you scroll down to the very, very last line, you will see something that makes me chortle:

See it? World Heritage Sites in Poopy Land!

This sure doesn't look like Poopy Land to me:

This is a Sandstorm

When I flew into Amman, I actually really-truly thought that perhaps my time in this lifetime was over. The pilots weren't saying anything, and we were circling and circling through the most outrageous turbulence and horrible conditions. People were praying, crying, and assuming crash positions. I took my sunglasses off my head in case of impact, and tried to think happy thoughts. I couldn't see anything out the window - it should have been early evening outside, but it was brown and gray and apocalyptic. I thought perhaps Amman had been firebombed and we were flying into war.



It wasn't war at all! It was just a sandstorm. This photo was taken the morning AFTER the sandstorm I flew into -- so this is a mild sandstorm, relatively speaking. CRAZY TALK.

Scenes from Jordan

Rock-climbing in Wadi Rum (Lawrence of Arabia territory).

I'm Back!

This is me at our hotel in Wadi Musa, right outside of Petra. More photos and stories to come, but, alas, I have six million emails to read and a whole lot of work to do. Didja miss me?

Shalom to Me, Ya'll

I am getting on an airplane to go visit my boyfriend, who has been in Jordan for two months making the new DePalma movie.


Wish me luck. I do not want to be killed by a terrorist nor eaten by a camel. Nor eaten by a terrorist camel! Yegads!

Think happy thoughts for me, e-friends. I'll be back in a week.

MEDIA ALERT: MSBNC TUESDAY AM at 9:25

Yo people! Set your tivo/divo now! I will be appearing on MSNBC at 9:35 (eastern time) Tuesday morning to discuss "Why we hate Paris Hilton."

It's nothing personal, of course. It's just the collective unconscious of the western world.

When You're Weary, Feeling Small

Let's say you were pretty upset about something. And let's say you were so upset that you kind of couldn't stop booting. So let's say you haven't eaten anything all day because you have this booting problem. Do you know what the ONE THING IN THE WORLD that will make you all better is?

Yes. Correct!
The sight of Celine Dion doing the hambone. It's about twenty-six seconds in. Enjoy.

I Can Has Tribbles?

LOLCATS + STARTREK = LOLTREK.

Kickawesome.

I Blog for Ooomph

And, lo, I am awesome.

The Most Awesome, Awesome, Pointless Use of Celebrities in Front of a Green Screen To Ever Appear on a Highly Successful TV Program

MAN! When I was watching Idol last night, the faux VERY BAD lip-sync of Stayin' Alive made me stop being a misanthrope and start loving humanity again. Because this is just so so so very pointless and horribly done and stupid that I love people because people are just so awesomely obtuse sometimes.

Separated at Birth = Sanjaya and Naima

Now I know why Sanjaya's pony-hawk looked familiar! Because it's the exact same 'do the Naima wore in her cycle 4 finale of ANTM, when she won because it's the only time in the entire cycle that she actually looked attractive!

Mourning Uncle Kurt

It's 12:43 am, EDT. CNN is reporting that Kurt Vonnegut just passed away, at age 84. Of course, this was bound to happen. But I am sad, sad, sad. The universe loses a special wit today.

SO SAD!

Seriously, someone rad introduced me to Vonnegut when I was in high school (well, who amongst us didn't have their life saved by reading Vonnegut in high school) and it was the best revelation in the world: there were smart people out there and life wasn't always going to suck like high school. Vonnegut's books picked me up and dropped me, and I am truly sad to learn he's no longer with us. Uncle Kurt and Papa Heinlein - those men really changed my life. And I will never get to have dinner with either of them.

I am tired and I have to be at my new apt at the crack of dawn for the grand painting adventure, so I leave you with this:

Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; Man got to tell himself he understand.
-- Cat's Cradle

and this:

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’ ” -- God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

and, this, my most favorite Vonnegut line, which has become a sort of personal mantra for me whenever i get down, from Timequake:

You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.

My deepest, deepest condolences to his family and loved ones. You will be missed, sir, you will be missed.

But Hodge shan't be shot; no, no, Hodge shall not be shot.

There was this awesome thing on Gawker just a little while ago about the whole tainted pet food crisis and how Ron Rosenbaum had quoted that bit from Boswell's Life of Johnson (and also Nabokov's "Pale Fire" epigraoh) about one of Samuel Johnson's cats, named Hodge: (in response to Johnson discussing someone who was gallivanting around London and killing cats) “But Hodge shan’t be shot. No, no, Hodge shall not be shot.”

Seriously, I think Ron Rosenbaum was double-plus right-on. That's the best way to handle the catfood crisis of 07:

But Hodge shan't be shot. No, No, Hodge shall not be shot.

Just repeating it, like a talismanic mantra (he took a duck in the face at two hundred and fifty knots) (alternatively: he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts) fills me with all sorts of inner peace.

But Hodge shan't be shot. No, no, Hodge shall not be shot.

It's totally the new "stop the widening."

Creepy Creepy Cheney Hiding in the Bushes

Thanks to "Eat the Press" for the link of geniusness. Well played, well played.

The Best Music Video of All Time

Ultra mega wow. This German music video is exactly why the internets were invented.


ULTRA MEGA WOW!

It's this group called Deichkind and according to their Myspace, they're Ghettotech/Freestyle/Hip-Hop. And they "sound like: ELECTRONIC WITH NO LIMIT!" And they're AMAZING.

Thanks to my friend Jason, who remains, as always, the smartest man I know.

UNICORNS!

Granted, I am taking a prescription cough-suppresant that is molecularly similar to heroin, but: ENYA + cheesy stills of UNICORNS = bliss.

Never Trust Robots

Admittedly, it is entirely possible that my high fevers have burnt away all of my brain cells. That may be, but I have to say that this song "We're in Business" by Andrew Thompson is quite possibly the greatest song EVER IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Heard You're Sick and Feeling Ill: Headache, Fever, and a Chill

Ladies and germs, I am crazytalk illin'. I have a horrific flu that sucks so frakking hard. The only positive notes are
* hallucinatory fever dreams! (dare i call them "vision quests")
* not eating = losing weight
* sleeping 18 hours a day

I know, I know, there was a ladychick on House who was sleeping 18 hours a day and she had African Sleeping Sickness because she cheated on her husband with his buddy, who had gone to Africa and done got himself bitten by a tse-tse fly. But I've never been to Africa. No, wait, I have been to Africa. But that was about two years ago, and I think if I'd been bitten by a tse-tse fly in Morocco, I'd know already.

Being this supersick sucks, but I'm so glad I watch all those medical dramas. F'rinstance, today I ran out of tissues (seriously, I have to blow my nose every forty-five seconds. Even though I'm using the fancy aloe-lotion tissues, my nose is all WC Fields-y! Ack!) and it was an emergency, and I'm also coughing so much that my neighbors must think I have TB. So I needed to run to the pharmacy for more tissues, more cough medicine, and some chest-rub goo. But I had a crazy-high fever! What could I do?

Make like Dr. Cuddy and the kid with the super-high fever and jump into an ice-cold shower, duh.

It worked! My fever went down for like 10 minutes! House works! House is true!

Also, in the midst of a very scary fever-dream, I woke up absolutely needing to listen to "Oliver Cromwell" by Monty Python. In case this ever happens to you, it can be found right here . Lyrics can be found right here, if'n you'd like to sing along.

whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Health Care Reform, Out of Sync

If you watch the local news (as I do) in NYC, you're being bombarded with pro- and anti-Spitzer health care reform ads. They're all annoying. And only serve to make Spitzer seem like a detestable douche, and I'd like to like him because I met him before a Bruce Springsteen concert and he was quite affable and really likes The Boss, as do I.

But there's this spot that runs ALL THE TIME, and it makes me insane because it's a spot where people are singing and THEIR LIPS DO NOT SYNC. Are you kidding me? Do you think we won't notice that you slapped this together and didn't even bother to sync your shots? Cardinal rule of television spots -- anything out of sync makes the audience ONLY FOCUS ON THE LACK OF SYNC and completely disregard whatever you're telling them. So whenever I see this, all I can think is: their lips don't sync, their lips don't sync, their lips don't sync, their lips don't sync. Eliot who health care what?

Vote for the Worst

I am mildly obsessed with Vote for the Worst. If you live under a rock or you don't watch TV (GASP!), it's a website that chooses the worst American Idol contestant and urges the good people of Amerika to vote for the, um, worst. It's apparently why Sanjaya is still around. And, I tell you, I think it's just fantastic. I love subversion. And I love democracy. But mostly, I love subverting democracy. American Idol gives YOU the right to choose who becomes a wannabe superstar -- why not choose the durstest possible contestant, because what a laugh we'll all share?

A veritable chortlefall of hilarity.

So, I say: do it! Vote for the worst for American Idol. Just don't do it for American Government and other Electable Positions, because that would suck, hard. Like a Dyson. Hard-sucking.

This is me from Yesterday

I had a bad day (shut up, Daniel Powter). I was totally this cat.

Thank you, I can has cheezburger. You express myself when even words fail.

My mom said I should pour myself a glass of wine, but I had no wine. So I drank sparkling water instead, which is my poison of choice. Mandarin Orange Sparkling Poland Spring. It's replaced Diet Coke in my pantheon of drink awesomeness.

The Only Thing That Makes Life Worth Living after that OFFENSIVELY HORRIBLE Battlestar Galactica Finale

The Space Camp Song:

Frak Me, Battlestar Galactica

We are unbearable disappointed by the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. So let down, in fact, that we launched a website: Frak Galactica.


If secret cylons are built to suddenly become self-aware when they hear "All Along the Watchtower," does that mean that every time Number 6 talks about god, she's talking about Bob Dylan?

The Governor of California Speaks

Click, click, oh, please click.

If I Had Written and Performed the Lyrics to Chicago Hope, Starring Mandy Patinkin and Adam Arkin

It would have been deeply earnest and it would have sounded JUST LIKE THIS:

Watch Acceptable TV

I have been promoting this show ( Acceptable TV on VH1) for 9 kabillion years. Please please please watch it.

I Am SO Going To Wear a Baby Seal Hat to the Aquarium, Just So A Polar Bear Might Eat My Head

Over on Oomph

I've been blogging about tasty tv (namely: VH1's "The Agency" and "Australia's Next Top Australian Model" and AI's Chris Sligh) over on my Oomph blog.

Pondering Attendance at the Upcoming Robyn Hitchcock

BEX: by chance are you a robyn hitchcock fan?

JOSH: i always felt like i should get into him, but never have. he's like pokemon like that

BEX: i'm trying to think of who my robyn hitchcock is: spoon?

JOSH: pokemon

BEX: cat power. cat power is my robyn hitchcock

BEX: In a way, each of us has a Robyn Hitchcock to face. For some, shyness might be their Robyn Hitchcock . For others, a lack of education might be their Robyn Hitchcock. For us, Robyn Hitchcock is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Bex, the people of Josh can conquer their own personal Robyn Hitchcock , who also happens to be *the actual* Robyn Hitchcock !

The Gr-8-est, the all time Gr-8-est

When I went to Jew Camp, one's friends would sometimes write upon one's Shabbat-o-grams, "You're gr-8!"

I always thought this meant: "you're grade 8!"

But, lo, it meant, "you're great!"

And this is the GREATEST OF ALL TIME!
From I can has cheezburger, the world's best website, as suggested to me by Rich FourFour.


Image via geniusness.

I often feel like this:
Noooo! They be stealing my bucket!

I am So Mean to Heather (Mucca) Mills

My friend Mario says this is the crowning achievement in my career (which is why he posted it on the internets). It's me being snide about Heather Mills, on the VH1 show "Celeb Showdown 3."

Sorry, Heather. It's nothing personal. I just loves me some Paul McCartney.

Meow Meow, Meow Meow

I am TOTALLY 100% crazy-talk clinically obsessed with Rap Cat.

Click here to hear him rap, awesome-stillz.

Meow meow meow, meow meow meow.

Hooray for the Boys in the Band

Yay, yay, oh, yay.

A Public Service Announcement

... From the Crystal Cave of my Heart

(photo awesomeness from my friend Chaz).

A Hearty Mazel Tov to R.E.M. On the Evening of their Induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

To celebrate, I give you a page from the book "Reveal: the Story of R.E.M." by Johnny Black.

Look, he calls me a music critic! And a man! I ain't no Mister, Mister. (Kyrie Eliason!)


Hooray for R.E.M.
They are my longest-running all-time fave-rave band and also extreme citizens of Awesomeland.

Also: to all my people -- find the river, yo. Find the river.

In Case You've Ever Wondered ...

In case you've ever wondered what "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast would sound like in Hebrew: this here's your lucky day:

All The Internal Video Content from Children of Men

DON'T CLICK HERE if you haven't seen the movie! Check it -- it's all the ads and videos you saw so fleetingly in Children of Men. This compilation makes me super happy and SUPER ENRAGED that C.o.M. was robbed -- ROBBED -- at the Oscars. Most of the advertisements and video screens pass by too quickly for one to see, so the nice people who made all that intriguing "internal video content," as I like to call it, put together a handy-dandy compilation. Amazing. I saw it twice and I never caught the GAP-esque clothes-for-pets ads on the buses. Brilliant. If you don't have babies, of course you'd spend your hard-earned cash on dressing your dog and cat in expensive luxury clothes. I also never caught the bus ad for "Niagra: the ultimate climax."

Garrr, I love that movie so much. Garr, garr, garrr.

So does this person, who cut the whole film into a short little nugget arguing why C.o.M. should be nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture. It wasn't. I'm still angry. And disappointed. DO NOT WATCH THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE:

A Word of Warning

Friends:
In these difficult and war-torn times, I fear there is only one maxim of wisdom to which we can turn for hope for the future:

Avoid the Noid, people. Avoid the motherfracking noid.

Avoid the Noid!

The Real Ernie

My friend Dean and I were just discussing what scares kids when they're little. F'rinstance, Dean's kids were terrified by Large Marge in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure." Honestly, I was scared, too. But I saw this movie only after it came out on VHS, and all my friends who had seen it in the theater warned me that once you heard Large Marge say:

"On this very night, ten years ago, along the same stretch of road, in a dense fog JUST LIKE THIS ... I saw the worst ... accident ... I ever seen!"

well, once you heard those words, then you knew it was time to cover your eyes.
Rightfully so, I'd say.

And Dean himself was terrified by the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Can you blame him?

I don't remember anything I was particularly afraid of, other than nuclear apocalypse, dogs, drowning, getting stuck in elevators and burning up in a housefire (Thanks, episode of Webster called "Burn Out.") Oh, also, I was scared of Duncan in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, when he comes riding back on a horse and he has no eyes. Duncan has no eyes. The horse has eyes. But the horse potentially has no name. It happens often, from what I hear. The circumstance of nameless horses, that is. I also had a recurring nightmare wherein I was figure skating during the Winter Olympics and people were screaming and screaming and SCREAMING at me as I was disappearing into the ice. This is the fever dream that repeats every time I have the flu, in some way or another. It's always about SOMETHINGNESS being destroyed by NOTHINGNESS. In this case, it was the ice taking over the entire Olympics stadium. When I was in college, I had a fever that was so high that I deleriously heard voices telling me that I was a hibakusha, an atomic bomb victim and that I was slowly dying of radiation poisoning. It happens.

But my little brother, Adam ... He was terrified -- TERRIFIED -- of something he called "The Real Ernie."

Think back, if you can, to a sketch on Sesame Street where Ernie and Bert explored a pyramid. Do you remember the Egyptian statue that looked just like Ernie, and tap-tap-tapped him on the shoulder with his Egyptian staff thing? That Egyptian statue thing was what my brother called THE REAL ERNIE. And he (my brother, not The Real Ernie) would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and we would ask him what the matter was. And he would sputter, "The Real Ernie! The Real Ernie!"

And so, without further ado: Here is The Real Ernie.

Look Who's Pretending to be A Pelican!

IMG_0940.jpg, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

That's me on the left. That's a pelican on the right. Can you tell the difference? I sure can't.

Whoopsie! I meant to say: "I sure pelican't!"

Florda Was Very Very Very Cold

And that is why I vaguely resemble the Unabomber in this photo.

Did you miss me?

Also, did you see Britney Spears freaking out on an SUV with a green umbrella? Classic!

Join Oomph RIGHT NOW and We'll Go On Vacation Together

Sign up for Oomph! Send me to the Dominican Republic!

Seriously!
Join OOMPH! Be my friend!

As you all know, I'm blogging about the culture of pop (it's similar to the business known as show) over on Oomph, which is a brand new social network thing. If you join RIGHT NOW because I referred you, I could potentially win a free vacation. I am stressed, depressed, and a total mess, so you should click this link:
http://www.oomph.net/invite/bexschwartz
and become an Oomph member. Then we can go on vacation together. Eh? Eh?

Rock 'em, sock 'em,
bex

Be my friend, send me to the DR! Please!!!

And feel free to send this link to all your friends and tell them to become my friend, too: (just copy and paste) http://www.oomph.net/invite/bexschwartz

TV Thoughts Over on Oomph

Yo People:
I'm audi 5 - off to visit my grandmother in Florida. Woo. Don'be that jealous, it's 44 degrees there. But at least it's not 4 degrees! But I went out and bought five new tanktops today because I am a total idiot who assumed (and we all know what assuming does) that it would be 80 degrees there. Alas and alack.

Anyway, if you're jonesing for a BexFix, I've blogged about Lost and Gr'anatomy over at my Oomph blog.

Catch you on Tuesday! Lator, gators!

Oh boy, off to Florida, land of the Yearling!

Whiplash, the Cowboy Monkey

I'm going to Florida to visit my grandmother, and she lives not far from a chimp farm, where they take care of retired chimpanzees and other primates.

I'm not entirely sure how this happened, but I've been link-jumping and I ended up at a page about Whiplash, the Cowboy monkey. According to the site:

Whiplash the Cowboy monkey is truly a fan favorite, he is an international star and a true cowboy. He is an 18 yr old Capuchin Monkey and he is one of the biggest little monkeys in the world. Whiplash has been riding since he was two yrs old and has been a part of our family since he was born. Whiplash travels the country herding up wild Barbados sheep at rodeos and special events. His riding ability is unmatched and his herding skills unchallenged but whiplash never misses a chance to show his monkey heritage as he rides the dog he will pull the saddle from side to side and even hang off to one side mimicking an Indian hideaway.

Just look at him! His little hat makes my womb ache!

I mean, seriously!

I think I'm in love! He's a MONKEY COWBOY! WHO RIDES A DOG! A BORDER COLLIE, IMPORTED FROM SCOTLAND, TO BE EXACT!


Update: buy me merch!

King Philip Came Over From Germany Skinny

King Phillip came over from Germany Skinny.

Kingdom Phylum Class Order Family Genus Species.

(I truly never thought I'd need such a mnumonic in my grown-up life, but we were at the dog show tonight and suddenly it became relevant.