A very House Christmas

It's so weird to see a Christmas show at the end of January! Complete with the slo-mo, soft focus gathering of tv show people that proves that even though these tv show people all lead disparate lives and endure hardships, they still love each other! Around a Christmas tree, no less! One of the greatest and most trite cliches of the holiday season that we almost don't even notice because it's so ingrained in our collective unconscious that we think: oh! it's Christmas! let's watch people appreciate each other in slow motion!

I'm just saying -- pretty sneaky, Fox, saving up the holiday House episode til you knew we were so starved for entertainment we would even consider watching "The Connor Chronicles" -- although, we saw through that scheme because PEE-YEW, it stinks, even starring River/Summer (she has a real nature name and a fake nature name!) from "Firefly" (which I watched in repeats on Universal HD; full disclosure: I am a Whedon latecomer and I've never even seen Buffy). And Lost doesn't even come back til Thursday! So you got us with your hoarded Christmas episode!

And I bet your ratings will kick ass.

Merry Belated Christmas, Fox. You got us good this time.

Wallace and Laura, Separated at Birth?

So I've been slogging through "Crowned," that mother-daughter pageant reality show on the CW that sort of sucks (but, I know, I'm still watching it because when I can't sleep at night it's either that or the food network) and every time I see the hideous, evil bitch mother Patty (she's the mother of the hideous, evil bitch, nasty, vile, immature, childish Laura-the-firecrotch), I'm struck by how much she's ruined her face with plastic surgery and the bo-bo-botox, and that she's really only transformed herself into the female version of Wallace. See?

The Magic of Mickey Rooney's Ears

Whilst watching the SAG Awards last night, I was inordinately preoccupied with Mickey Rooney's differently-sized ears. I didn't hear a word he said; I was just focused on the size differential. Behold:

Mickey's Ears, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

See? His right ear (on the left side of the photo) is like a regular, little ear. But his left ear (on the right side of the photo) is a huge, Dopey-of-the-Seven-Dwarves, distended, old-man ear!

How does that happen? I know that men's earlobes stretch as they get old, creating that old man ear effect, but how does it only happen on one side of the body? Does Mickey Rooney have magic ears. It must be.


MICKEY ROONEY HAS MAGIC EARS! (Kind of like how Lt. Dan has magic legs.)

Slightly in Awe of Stuckey & Murray and Jon Friedman from Slightly Buzzed

So the show was super doubleplus awesome and thank you to everyone who came out. Stuckey & Murray were absolutely genius and Jon Friedman is just tremendously amazing and does a bit about a bear that made me laugh so hard I cried eyeliner rivulets down my face. And, I got my own most magical ever theme song and it is so wonder it makes my heart swell to the point of eruption. Dig it (like the frog): the Bex Schwartz theme song! (right click save as if you're nasty).

Slightly Buzzed THURSDAY NIGHT

Yo people!
I'm rocking a show called "SLIGHTLY BUZZED" tomorrow night. It's at 8pm at Rififi. I'm slightly excited because apparently I get a theme song that I didn't have to write. I am also not sure what exactly I will be doing but it will probably be
A) about pop culture
B) pretty stupid
C) relatively funny
D) something you’d enjoy more if you were slightly buzzed.

That is not a multiple choice question, it is a pipe. This is not a pipe. (insert photo of pipe: here).

Details: "Slightly Buzzed is a variety show that invites its performers to do WHATEVER they want. Something new, something old, something out of their comfort zone, something experimental, something in their comfort zone, eat a sandwich ..."

Hosted by Jon Friedman (he produces the amazing "REJECTION SHOW") and Stuckey & Murray (they did that video about humping a unicorn that you liked so much)

Featuring:
Matt Goldich - (funny comic)
Roger Hailes - (also a very funny comic)
Elna Baker - (also a very, very funny comic)
Bex Schwartz - (I talk crap about famous people on television, occasionally. And in bars, most of the time)


Where:
Rififi
332 E. 11th Street (between 1st and 2nd)

I Shot A Video and It's Official

If Videostatic says it is; it has to be. The lovely man who runs Videostatic is way, way too nice to me. Hearts!

Heath Ledger Found Dead, Covered in Hot Fudge and Sprinkles

BEX: so heath ledger just died and i thought you should know.

JOSH: a lot of people seem to think i should know this.

BEX: because you don't work in a place where the entire building starts shouting "OMG HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD, WHAT DO WE TELL JAKE GYLLENHAAL." Because that is what is happening in my office.

JOSH: sounds fu

BEX: it truly is.

JOSH: which is 66% of fun

BEX: that is exactly correct, algorithmically speaking.

JOSH: like an ice cream sundae with no toppings.

BEX: shouting "HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD" is actually scientifically proven to be 66% fun. now, if we were shouting "HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD, COVERED IN SPRINKLES ..."

JOSH: 100% fun!

BEX: The remaining 44%. Or, wait. 34%. i'm sorry, heath ledger is dead, i can no longer do math.

JOSH: i wonder what it would take to spread the meme that he was covered in hot fudge and sprinkles at the time of his death

BEX: considering that EVERYONE IS GOOGLING Heath Ledger ... i could just post it right now.

JOSH: i'll buy you a snapple if one major media outlet picks it up
-----------------------------------------

Despite the horribly insensitive nature of this post, I do actually have a heart and that heart feels very sad for Heath's friends and family and loved ones. And, aren't they still doing reshoots on that Batman movie? Dang.

And also, don't these things happen in threes? Brad Renfro ... Heath Ledger ... I'm just saying, if you're an attractive young leading man, perhaps now is not the time to take flying lessons, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

Come on, Major Media Outlets! Momma wants a Snapple!

Watch Free Radio on VH1 2/8 at 9:30!

I directed this bad boy promoting "Free Radio" starring Lance Krall and Anna Vocino, premiering Friday, February 8th at 9:30/8:30c. Only on VH1!

And I didn't put it on youtube, so suck it, viacom, someone else did. Word.

This Panda Can Steal My Jacket ANYTIME HE WANTS

Loves loves loves!

Did I mention I'm on IMDB?

Because I am.

I'm shooting a music video and you ought to be in it.

Bloggy friends in the NYC area:

I am shooting a music video for my buddypal Mike Doughty next Sunday, January 20th.

We're shooting in Brooklyn. It's a daytime exterior shoot and we'll basically need you to hang out in a grand choir of people lip-syncing the chorus to one of Mike's new songs from his soon-to-be-released album. So we'll need you from the morningtime until it gets dark. It's the day before MLK day, so you probably don't even have to work on Monday. We're doing this guerilla-low-budget style, so, we can't pay you, but you do get to
a) be in an awesome music video with anti-war themes
b) hang out with me and mike all day long
c) tell all your friends that you're in a music video.

We're looking for all shapes, sizes, vibes, demographics and SAT scores.
Please also be pleasant to work with and not completely insane.

Interested? Gmail me a photo and a note why you're intrigued to starbex AT gmail DOT com.

Also: anyone want to crew up? I'm looking to fill a few crew spots as well.

Thanks, tigers!

xxxooo,
bex

Best Panda Hat Ever

"Howdy, I'm a panda! Howdy, howdy, howdy!"