Monday, August 23, 2004

Poor Paul Hamm

Poor Paul Hamm.

He had to sit through ten minutes of vitriolic Athenian booing in outrage over the judges' fucked-up scoring of the Russian legend gymnast Alexei Nemov because they gave him a motherfucking 9.725. And he's the Sexy Alexei, yo. Does sex appeal stand for NOTHIN' in the Olympics? Sheesh.

So then poor Paul Hamm he housed the Russian legend gymnast Alexei Nemov dude with a 9.872 and everyone boos the judges for awarding him a 9.872.

They booed! They hate him! THEY HATE HIM! They hate him because he's so damn good.

Alas. How many of us feel his pain?

Paul Hamm -- we salute your skills. We salute your bland American A&F-esque good looks. We salute the fact that the gymnast who went right after you did this flip-twist thing in mid-FUCKING-air during the high bar and he tied with you even though you did not do a flip twist thing in the mid-FUCKING-air. We salute you having to defend your gold medal for the all-around thing. We salute that we just saw two gymnasts fall off the high bar but that Italian guy rocked the tie-breaker so you get a silver -- oof, that's gotta hurt. Regardless, Paul Hamm. We salute your wholesomeness.

We would just like to know, if there were any truth to the rumor that you continue to receive such unearned high scores because you have been orally pleasuring the judges? Because, were this rumor to be true, we would like you to describe your technique.

Because then we'd like to analyse it. In slow-motion. And lots of instant replay.

Again, we ask only to clarify if there could possibly be any merit to the Paul-Hamm-isn't-just-awesome-at-the-vault, he's-awesome-at-naughty-things-too rumor floating across the interweb.

Just wondering.

We salute you nonetheless.

Because, Paul Hamm -- we feel your pain.

Although we are sad that the Gymnastics portion of the Big O is over. We look forward, however, to some artistic ribbon-twirling.

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