Picnic

Mr. Princess Prettypants Kittyface

My darling Panda Boo.

Happy Jew Year from the Muppets

Happy Jew Year from my favorite muppet and his Snowths.





(via Hellsattik)

IRL - funny people from the internet being funny onstage

SHOWY SHOW. Monday, September 19th (aka "The Day Before My Birthday").
Come to Brooklyn for the laughs!

Joey Cramer - update

Oh man, they arrested him. I hope everything becomes better for you soon, Joey Cramer!

Wait. So EVERYONE is Looking for Joey Cramer?

Longtime readers know that this blog was once very dedicated to finding Joey Cramer, the child actor who was the star of Flight of the Navigator.

We sent out a message to the universe to try to find him.

And then we found him, working in a sporting goods store in Canada.

Tonight, an anonymous tipster commented "Everyone is looking for Joey" and offered this link:

That link leads you to this article and this photo:

August 24, 2011

Sunshine Coast RCMP are requesting assistance from the public in the capture of Deleriyes Cramer wanted for seven warrants out of the Lower Mainland. According to Cpl. Steve Chubey, Cramer is alleged to have committed several cheque and fraud related crimes in the Lower Mainland and Fraser Valley, and RCMP believe he has ties to the Sunshine Coast. Chubey said Cramer is suspected of altering the name and/or the amount of cheques before cashing them at local financial institutions. He also has been known to use several aliases including Joe August Cramer, Joe August Deleriyes, Joe August Leighland, and Joe August Deleriyes Cramer. He is 38-years-old, 6’3” (183 cm), 179 pounds (81 kg) with brown hair and brown eyes. Anyone with information to his whereabouts are asked to contact RCMP at 604-885-2266 or Crimestoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS (8477). — Submitted

Accompanying photo:

This is not our Joey Cramer, is it?

This was the compare and contrast we did when we located our erstwhile Navigator in the sporting goods store:

These are not all the same people, are they?

This page goes into detail about various suspects the Royal Mounties are tracking. It says "


"CRAMER, Deleriyes Joe August Born: Aug. 23, 1973 Wanted in connection with File #2011-9051 Wanted for fraud."

When was our friend Joey Cramer born? Let's ask wiki. OH fuck. Wiki is not the most reputable site, because it cites this blog as a source. But it says that Joey Cramer, of Flight of the Navigator, was born on August 23, 1973.

Let's cross reference it with IMDB.

Oh, fuck.


If these facts all correct, then our beloved Joey Cramer now goes by Deleriyes Cramer and he has done some bad things and he is in trouble!

Joey Cramer, or Joe August Cramer, Joe August Deleriyes, Joe August Leighland, and Joe August Deleriyes Cramer -- whatever you're going by right now --

I am sorry if you've fallen onto some hard times. We still love you. Let the starcharts in your head be your guide.

The Happiest Face on the Subway

High Street station, Brooklyn.

Bex Schwartz, Minister at Large

The ULC wrote a lovely thing about my participation (not just as an organizer) but as a minister during the Pop Up Chapel. Awwwww.

Oh, Tree

There was a tree behind my apartment. I liked to look at it and mark the changing seasons. It was nice to see some green outside of my bedroom window. And then I re-read “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” and I felt even more connected to that tree. My cat liked to watch the birds who lived in its branches and sometimes he would get excited and make hunting noises and click at the birds. This morning I awoke to a man inside that tree, lopping off branches with a chainsaw. We made eye contact as I hurried to pull down the the shade. And now that tree is gone. Why did you cut down my tree, whoever owns the land behind my apartment? I liked that tree a whole lot. It was a lovely maple tree and it was pleasant to lie on my fire escape and read a magazine and watch the sun streaking through its leaves. What did you have against that tree, land owner? Now the people who live behind me have a direct view into my bedroom window. And now there is no tree. The cat and I are both pretty sadtimes about this development. I miss you already, tree.

Dropping Some Science on Your Butt

Did you know? Benadryl (or the generic) and Nytol (or the generic) are the EXACT SAME THING?

They are both Diphenhydramine — typically 25 mg, in the case of Benadryl or Nytol.

Diphenhydramine is the thing in Tylenol PM that makes you sleepy. If you want to take just the sleepy-stuff without the acetominophen, then you take Simply Sleep or Nytol or Unisom or whatever.

When you have itchy eyes or hay fever or you’re sniffy because you stuck your face in a cat, then you take Benadryl. And it usually makes you feel sleepy. BECAUSE IT IS THE EXACT SAME THING AS THE SHIT YOU TAKE TO GO TO SLEEP.

So if you are sleepy, you could actually just take Benadryl. And if you are itchy, you could actually just take Simply Sleep. Because they are THE SAME.

And here is one more exciting bit of science — Diphenhydramine is ALSO Dramamine:

“The effects of dimenhydrinate are very similar to those of diphenhydramine. The main differences are a lower potency, and a longer latency. 50 mg dimenhydrinate contains 27.2 mg of diphenhydramine, so it is less potent at equal doses. Also, dimenhydrinate must dissociate into diphenhydramine and its counterion in the body before it is active, so it produces effects more slowly than diphenhydramine. The drug typically takes a minimum of 4 hours to fully take effect.”

See? Dramamine is is Dymenhydrinate which turns into dyphenhydramine so it makes you less sleepy but still has that sedative effect, which is why your mom gave you so much Dramamine on car trips and airplane rides so you’d just pass out instead of crying and humiliating her in front of all the other nice passengers flying to Florida to see their grandparents.

Maybe you already know this? I just learned this on Saturday night when a good friend of mine BLEW MY MIND by revealing that Benadryl is Simply Sleep. I wanted to share.

BLIMP LIFE

Tickling my new best friend, Blimp.

BLIMPIN'

When you are being a blimp pilot, it is important to study your maps so you can plot your way to your office building and say hi to all your work friends.

Pop Up Chapel video

Popup Chapel July 30th 2011 from Gustavo Campos on Vimeo.


amazing video by Gustavo Campos. THE BEST.

Pop Up Chapel Love from Logo!

Tags: Gay Video & Lesbian Movies, Logo: Fierce TV

Love you, Logo!

A supercute video of Pop Up Chapel

Awwwwww. Those with eagle eyes will spot several of your favorite tumblr-ers in the background.

PS I can't believe none of you told me those mic packs were affixed to my bra. HOT.

Mazel Tov to John and Jay

I am not going to work today so I can do all the other things I haven't done for the last month. This photo is making me happy.

photo from L Magazine

Hello! Are you a famous superstar?

Would you like to speak or sing (with your own accompaniment) at POP UP CHAPEL on Saturday? Pleeeeeease? 7/30, Merchants' Gate at Central Park. Somewhere between 11 and 6ish.

hit me at bex AT popupchapel DOT com.

Amanda Palmer serenades Pop Up Chapel

Amanda Palmer Serenades The Pop-Up Chapel Couples from Pop Up Chapel on Vimeo.


HUGE thanks to Amanda Palmer!

Pop Up Chapel - updates

Our site is updated!

Save the date! Saturday, July 30th! Merchants' Gate, Central Park! 10am - dusk!

Check out all the press we've received!

Anyone have any xanax?

KIDDING, KIDDING (not really.)

Magical Scallions

Once upon a time, I was watching Next Food Network Star and Melissa d’Arabian said that a good money-saving trick was to put the white end-bits of your scallions into a glass of water, because your scallions would magically regrow! (Without being planted in dirt or anything!)

I do this all the time now, but whenever I share my Magic Scallion trick, people are always shocked. So I wanted to share: these are scallions growing in glasses of water in my bedroom (next to the catnip. don’t ask). These scallions were cut down to their endy-bits just a week ago, when I used them for garnish on Bittman’s recipe for cold sesame noodles (modified with tofu and extra chili paste). And now: behold, they are scallions anew!

Just make sure the water level stays at the top of the glass, and change the water if it gets narsty.

Pop Pop!

1). Have you seen the new Pop Up Chapel site? It is TO DIE FOR.

1a). Follow us on twitter!

1b). Like us on facebook!

 2. Are you an architect? Do you know any architects? Maybe they would like to enter this competition! Because Architizer is THE BEST and I love them so much.

9 days left

On Friday, June 24th, 2011, Governor Cuomo signed the historic legislation legalizing same-sex marriage in New York. The bill becomes a law on July 24th, 2011. Now it’s time to get married. Pop-Up Chapel with TheKnot.com is hosting a day-long marriage ceremony in Central Park. They are providing the wedding, the photographer, the officiant and the cupcakes, now all they need is a chapel! Architizer and The Knot are asking designers to submit designs for two temporary structures to be erected for the day long ceremony.

heh heh. “erected.” heh heh.

July 30th is Popping Up All Over

Oh goodness gracious, Pop Up Chapel hits the big league (chew) with coverage in The Observer!

Treat Buckets With Bobby

Chatting with Bobby Finger at the end of a long work day.

We're internetfriends/workfriends!

(Based on Bobby's tumblr about a "chocolate snack pack" in the office fridge.)

Bex: DUDE. what is a chocolate snack pack? and why is it in the fridge?   

Bobby: it's just pudding. but it's the best pudding because it has the best name 

Bex: why is it called a SNACK PACK? a pack of snacks? i see no pack

Bobby: WHY WOULDN'T IT BE

Bex: i see a ... a tub? SNACK TUB

Bobby: WOULD YOU EAT A TUB? i only eat packs. 'tub' makes you feel like a tub.

Bex: i guess tubs are full of gross things. a tub of margarine.

Bobby: packs make you feel like you have a six pack. aka you're healthy.

Bex: do they come in vanilla?

Bobby: they come in all the traditional pudding flavors 

Bex: is pudding a snack? i always thought it was more of a treat. a snack is like some goldfish crackers 

Bobby: a snack is any small serving of a food that isn't considered an entree. like you can snack on fries. but you couldn't snack on a burger. a treat is a bite-sized version of a dessert. ok so maybe snack pack should be in the treat bucket. i'm writing these rules and contradicting myself. they're treat packs. you're right. they're basically treat tubs. 

Bex: wait. i think the snack pack should be called a treat bucket. i think you just named it 

Bobby i'm convulsing right now. treat bucket. 

Bex: TREAT BUCKET

Bobby: omg. i'd buy them 

Bex: why does that make me feel so dirty? i'd buy them and strap them to my face like a feedbag. "i'm sorry, i can't talk to you right now, i am busy enjoying my treat bucket." 

Bobby: "hold my calls" "r'ohm rorry, rah canghtralkyourow. riamburryenroyingmyreatbrucketrrrrrr" 

Bex:  snerk. now i want a treat bucket SO BAD. let's go steal the one in the fridge. 

July 30th - EVERYONE CAN GET MARRIED

OMG, best weekend ever, right? I am still slightly drunk (I think) from celebrating MARRIAGE EQUALITY so very hard!

So -- hugetastic news:

Some friends and I have been hard at work on NYC's first Pop Up Chapel. From our site:

On Saturday, July 30th, the first weekend after same-sex marriage becomes legal, we will host New York City’s first pop-up chapel in Central Park (or a designated space, if interest outpaces capacity.)

We provide the wedding! And the photographer! And the officiant! And witnesses! And cupcakes! And music! And everything you’ve always dreamed of! A free and legal wedding... We will perform your wedding ceremony, sign your license, and process the paperwork.

Please check out our site, and follow us on twitter, and like us on the facebook.

Also, we need your help! Want to volunteer? Want to sponsor us? Want to provide cupcakes? Play guitar? Set up the altar? Provide flowers? PLEASE let me know! You can email me at:
Bex AT popupchapel.com

Look! Gothamist is already covering us!

EVERYONE GETS MARRIED

Do you want to get married?

(Not to me, per se. To the person you love).

If you want to get married, especially once it becomes legal for EVERYPERSON TO GET MARRIED in NYC, I have the power to wed you. Here, in my fingertips. For I am an ordained minister with the ULC, and I am legally registered with the City of New York as a wedding officiant.

You just need to be very much in love and excited about getting married, and then you'll just need to get a marriage license. I will do whatever sort of ceremony you'd like. (You want some Hebrew? Sure thing. You want an original song parody about your relationship? I can do that, too. You want the whole thing to rhyme? SURE THING. You want it to be Star Wars themed? OKAY! You'd like your wedding to be all interfaithedly atheistic? GOOD THING, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL. You'd like to enter the ceremony riding an elephant? YOU WILL NEED TO FIND THAT ELEPHANT.)

The point being: if you want to get married, I will ordain your wedding. I will sign your marriage license with my very special New York City wedding officiant information and then I will send your license to the city clerk and they will process it, and then you will be all married and shit like that.

BEAR IN THE BATH

All I want in the world is to take a bath with a bear.

Real Talk with the Captain

I’m so sorry. I have made myself laugh so hard that I am crying my eye makeup off. And then every time I stop laughing, I look at this and then I laugh again. I am just sitting here WEEPING. WEEPING. WEEPING. Maybe it's because I was awake until 6am, but this is the funniest thing I have ever written.

My Parents are SO FAMOUS

My parents are SO FAMOUS! They’re on a fancypants website!

Hearts and stars to Eliot Glazer!

Pretty Pretty Rob Lowe

 
This morning, I tweeted at Rob Lowe to tell him that he does not know what “glass ceiling” means and he is TOTALLY IGNORING ME and giving me the ROB LOWE SILENT TREATMENT and I am literally sobbing.

Also, after I tweeted at him, I spent about 5 hours worrying that he was making a joke about the glass ceiling that I just didn’t grok, until I realized (I think) that Rob Lowe just doesn’t know what “glass ceiling” means.

Louder Than A Bomb

Go see my friend Greg's movie! If you like teenagers and you like slam poetry and you like Chicago! It's playing at the IFC Theater here in NY right now! You are a fool if you miss this.

Not If I See You First, Andrew Smiley!

I saw this spot on TV and I was like “WAIT, WHAT?”

Andrew Smiley says “See you next Tuesday.”

And I don’t think he knows? He could have just said “Call us on Tuesdays!” or “We run this promo every Tuesday to teach you about medical malpractice!”

But, noooo. He calls us, collectively, a cunt.

That fucking bastard.

(thanks for posting it, youtuber Imbeccable!)

Panda Boo Bear and the Sleeptimes Snorings

O, What a Beautiful Morning

This morning, as I was still clinging tenaciously to the remaining threads of a delicious dream, Panda Boo puked all over me and my bed. And it was so gross and so warm and so gooshy that I involuntarily puked all over the cat, and myself, and the bed. We were both covered in puke! Me and my cat, with so much puke in our fur! So I put me and the cat into the shower, and then I cleaned the sheets and dropped them off with the nice lady who does my laundry and asked her to bleach them to high holy heaven. WHAT A MORNING. 

Best Commercial Ever

My superpal Peter is the star of what I believe to be the greatest commercial ever.

Robyn Documentary, You Guys!

There is a documentary about Robyn on youtube! I love her so much! I want to cuddle her! I want to be the outside spoon, and believe me, I never want to be the outside spoon. But I would be the outside spoon if I were cuddling Robyn,

(via Diego!)

(I don't want to cuddle the 11-year-old Robyn, that would be creepy. But check her out!)

Truth

Come to the BIG QUIZ THING on Monday!

MONDAY—APRIL 25—7:30pm

THE BIG QUIZ THING
The trivia game show that you get to play!

Featuring...
$300!
in big, big cash prizes...
plus much, much more

With video puzzles including…
One Letter Apart

And the audio round…
Rock, Paper, Scissors

...and more, including the LIGHTNING ROUND, SMART-ASS POINTS and the big buzzermongous THREE-WAY FINALE!

Quizmastered by Noah Tarnow
With EDP
Special guest sidekick Bex Schwartz!

at a new location…
M1-5
52 Walker Street (between Broadway and Church Street)
7:30pm / $10

More details at bigquizthing.com
More trivia! @bigquizthing

Bieber Boober Doobie Bieber

Happy Passover again!

Here is the Happy Passover card I made for you last year when I was out of my mind with a sinus infection.

Kittycat! PANDA.

It took about 20 refreshes, but this one is clearly the epitome of all my tweetings.

So Very Obsessed With This Today

Who Blank the Dogs Out?

Funtimes in Atlanta!

During some downtime in Ye Olde Shriners’ Temple, we somehow started talking about “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Oh! Because we were talking about crosswords for stupid people, like ones in People. (Crosswords for stupid People). And once there was a clue that went “Who ___ the Dogs Out.”

So we wanted to come up with all the other possible 3-letter words that fit in there. Who blank the dogs out?

*Who set the dogs out?
* Who put the dogs out?
* Who sat the dogs out?
* Who got the dogs out?
* Who had the dogs out?
* Who met the dogs out?
* Who bid the dogs out?
* Who fed the dogs out?
* Who kit the dogs out?
* Who pet the dogs out?
* Who ran the dogs out?
* Who saw the dogs out?
* Who won the dogs out?
and my own personal favorite:
* Who ate the dogs out?

My Parents Were Awesome

Oh, hello! I wrote an essay about my mom and dad for Eliot Glazer's new book "My Parents Were Awesome." You should buy a copy! My essay is on page 78! And all my friends' essays are so good! I haven't finished the entire book yet because I get verklempt when I read it, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY endorse the idea that you should buy this book for your mom for mother's day or for your dad for father's day or just in general, because, you know, love your parents!

Out Goes The Thumb and The Food Goes In

Panda Boo does not want to eat his kittycat food! Perhaps this is because he is a cat but I call him Panda Boo. Maybe he is confused! Maybe he wants to eat bamboo instead. I have tried singing to him but so far I have not stumbled upon the proper song.

Because EVERYONE has a song that gets him or her to eat, right?

I mean, all of you wouldn’t eat unless someone sang a VERY SPECIAL song to you, right?

I used to suck my thumb and I didn’t ever want to stop sucking my thumb, not even to eat. So my dad used to sing this song to me, although I misremembered the lyrics so thankfully he corrected them via facebook:

‎“Out goes the thumb and the food goes in, the food goes in, the food goes in. Out goes the thumb and the food goes in —- down in Becky’s tummy.”
(lyrics copyright 1978 by R. Schwartz)

So, you know, when I get all eating disordery, as I am wont to do, you could try just singing this to me. I will teach you the tune.

Life-Altering DVR Compensation

Maybe you already know how to improve your DVR viewing experience by changing the settings on your remote, but if you don’t, let me share my joyful discovery with you!

You know how when you’re watching TV and you fastforward through the commercials and then hit play when you see the show again? But after you stop fastforwarding and hit play, your remote dumps you backwards and you have to watch the end of the Progessive Insurance spot or the Outsourced promo?

You can tell your remote not to do that!

If you hit “settings” on your remote and go to the “Display” tab, you will see something called DVR Compensation. Tell your cable box that you want “less.” (I tried it with “none” and I am so used to the remote backwards bump that it threw me off. Just a little bit of the remote backwards bump is perfect.) Life changing! And you’ll probably save 3 minutes or so per show.

dot dot dot And I Feel Fine

When I was 8, there were two things I loved more than anything in the world:

1) Weird Al Yankovic
2) The Monkees

Every morning, I listened to Weird Al as I got ready for school. And every afternoon (when I didn't have to go to stupid hebrew school), I would watch The Monkees. I was also madly in love with both Mike and Mickey. First I had a crush on Mike, and then it went to Mickey, and then back to Mike, in a never-ending vacillation between the (clearly) best Monkees. (Sorry, Davy and Pete fans! They just don't do it for me).

One night at the dinner table, my dad asked me and my brother what our ideal concert would be.

"WEIRD AL! WEIRD AL!" we shrieked.

And then he asked us who our second favorite band was.

"THE MONKEES! THE MONKEES!" we yelped.

When my dad has very special information to share, he does this thing where he sort of angles one shoulder up and then shifts that shoulder down and brings the other shoulder up. He does this whenever he is trying draw out suspense.

"What if I told you," (shoulder shift) "That we were going to go to a concert at Great Adventure" (shoulder shift) "and we were going to see Weird Al" (shoulder shift) "AND The Monkees?"

To this day, I recall the frisson of almost agonizing joy. WEIRD AL AND THE MONKEES? IN CONCERT? IN NEW JERSEY? Dreams do come true.

I could tell you about how we ate lunch at the theme park and my dad held a Schwartz Family meeting to announce that it was very important that we were a Weird Al type of family because so many people who were also at Great Adventure were just there to see The Monkees.

I could also tell you how as we were leaving, my dad said hi to someone and the rest of us were like "What was that?" and he said, "Oh, Weird Al" and then we chased after him and he signed autographs for us and I told him he was my hero and I sang all of my own parodies (for of course, at age 8, I was writing song parodies like a motherfucker) to him and he listened patiently and then shook my hand and I swore I would never wash it again.

But the point of this story is that sometimes two things you love end up all smushed together like chocolate-and-peanut-butter.

And sometimes, two things you love end up all smushed together and it is more like crunchy-frog-and-nougat.

And that would be Julee Cruise singing R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It."

You're welcome!

Baby Panda FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

My tummy hurts so much there is nothing to do but watch baby pandas in a baby panda skirmish. Baby panda free for all!

The little baby panda fighting noises are the best.

(via)

Radio Song

If you like R.E.M., or if you like me, and if you'd like to hear me talking about how much I like R.E.M., you could listen to Newtown Radio today from 4-6pm. I will be gushing over R.E.M.'s new album, "Collapse Into Now," which is fucking fantastic.

Speaking of the radio, this is what KRS-One and Michael Stipe were thinking in 1991:

Check it out --
What are you saying?
What are you playing?
Who are you obeying?
Day out day in?
Baby, baby, baby, baby
That stuff is driving me crazy
DJs communicate to the masses
Sex and violent classes
Now our children grow up prisoners
All their lives radio listeners

So, um, set yourself free, I guess, and listen to internet radio? Radio Free Internet?
I'll stop now.

Look at that bum over there! He's down on his knees!

True story: The first time I went to LA for work I made a mix CD with this song on it 20 times in a row. Okay, it wasn’t a mix. It was 20 tracks of “I Love LA.” And, whatever, I could have just pressed repeat but I am very nervous when I am driving and I thought making a CD with 20 tracks of “I Love LA” made more sense than trying to press repeat while making a left turn (because left turns are THE WORST, as we know).

Also, once I went to San Francisco for work and I made a CD with “We Built This City” on it, 20 times in a row, and I played it while driving over the Golden Gate Bridge AND while driving down Lombard street, because, shut up, I am awesome. Then I left that CD in the rental car so the next person to get the rental car could share the joy.

"An American Christian. GOD DAMN."

Going to see Randy Newman tomorrow night! Because I love The Hold Steady, and Robyn, and Randy Newman because people be RANDOM with their musical tastes, yo. I hope he plays Dixie Flyer, because it is my favorite, although I am worried (A lot. I am VERY VERY VERY worried) that I am going to cry during this concert, because when Randy Newman touches my heart strings, he touches them very  very hard.

Wednesday Night Teevee

 

This is on teevee tonight! Of course, it is on at the same time as Survivor, Top Model, and Idol, so you will have to record a repeat (and you will also have to watch Survivor on primetime on demand because you need to record Idol because you can’t watch it on primetime on demand or itunes, and you have to watch Top Model on Wednesday nights with your gay friends because that is the rules).

Thought you might like to know!

Like it or Lump it

I just informed a friend that he has to watch American Idol with me this season, like it or lump it.

And then I was worried that he might choose “lump it,” because I am not entirely certain what “lump it” consists of as an option.

Then I realized that, in my head, “lump it” meant that one of us would end up with a bowl of oatmeal on his or her head. Because oatmeal has lumps, I guess? When I was a tiny person, my dad would feed me oatmeal by making a tidal wave out of it (this is a thing parents do to feed their children oatmeal? Maybe?) and I, apparently (because I do not remember because I was a tiny baby) used to snort the oatmeal lumps. Like how people who do blow might do a bump off their hand where the thumb meets the other fingers and if you drew a face on that part, you’d have Senor Wences  — I would snort oatmeal lumps. Bumps of oatmeal lumps. Oatmeal lump bumps.

And then I secondarily realized that I was conflating “like it or lump it” with “eat it or wear it” from Judy Blume’s Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing in which Fudge dumps a bowl of cereal over his head.

So now I am sort of aware that “like it or lump it” does not mean that “lump it” implies dumping a bowl of oatmeal over one’s head, but I don’t think I’ll ever quite be able to separate that image from the phrase.

This is how my brain works! Aren’t you so glad you don’t live with neural pathways like these?

Pandaboo is NSFW

My cat likes to show off his naughty bits when he sleeps. He is NSFW.

Ooh Nana

(this has been in my head since Sunday Night)

And also:

Consomme Panchi

GIFSoup

This all makes much more sense now.

Magical Giant Silken Dog Thing of Awesomeness

What is the magical silken dog beast thing?  I don't know, but when it dances with the plates, it is the best thing ever in the world.

My new internet-friend Freecocaine posted this as a gif and told me that it originally said "Inception," so I started looking for an Inception dog gif and I am pleased as punch that I found this amazing nugget of Panchi (sp?) joy.
(via)

Bears are the new kittens

thing I just wrote for work:
“… Everyone loves bears. Bears are the new kittens. You can quote me on that.”

My reel! Music videos! Mockumentary

I made a semi-pro-looking website for you to see my work. It's only about 5 years overdue.

Howdy Howdy Howdy

Not a day goes by that I don't think about this Far Side cartoon.

"Good Bear Joke"

I spent the entire weekend lying in bed because my brain was exploding out of my face. Seriously. I was half convinced — well, more than half — that there were alien eggs erupting out of my sinus cavities. My kitty was so confused why I was lying in bed all weekend long making whimpering noises, instead of doing Disco Abs or whatever else I normally do on the weekends. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. Like, the sort of pain where you’re sure it will be like that forever. It’s not like when you break your big toe (which I have done) and it  hurts like a motherfucker, but your brain can still function. When you have a combo migraine/sinus infection and there are auras around everything (especially the cat, who makes “mep” noises all the time) and it hurts to think or even to open one’s eyes, your brain stops functioning. Thusly. Apparently, at 4am last night, I wrote a joke in my pain-induced delirium and emailed it to my work email address, because I am just that awesome. Would you like to read it? Of course you would.

subject: good bear joke
Bear walks into a bar, and says “Hi, I’m a bear and my name is Nate.” Bartender says “Hi, Bear Nate!” and the bear instantly curls into a ball and goes to sleep.

That is some FANCYPANTS delirious humorjoking there, my friends.

Dear Snow

Dear Snow!

It is ten minutes after midnight here in the Spain and I am supposed to wake up in 6 hours to take the train to the airport (aereporto, maybe, I don't know, I don't speak this language) and I understand you are battering the Northeast, so here is my request: If you are going to snow real fucking hard, please snow REAL FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW so that Delta will know waaaaay in advance that we cannot possibly land at JFK at 12:35pm so they'll Flight Notification me and then I can sleep later than 6am and spend more time walking around the city (despite the re-broken toe thing that happens whenever I travel and walk around for 8 hours a day) rather than spending the entire day at the airport.

Alternately: don't snow at all! And then I can just get on my flight!

But if you are going to Bitch Snow, please Bitch Snow the fuck out of right now so that the airline can call an audible (that is a sports term, right?) and let me know very soon that my flight will be delayed because spending the day in the airport, which is filled with ham, will like totes fer sure harsh my mellow. Also, circling NYC, if there is a lot of Bitch Snow, will make me anxious like in that Die Hard movie when Bonnie Bedelia knows they have been circling for too long and is worried they will run out of fuel. I would not even get Alan Rickman in trouble, would that were the case.

thank you!

your friend,

bex
 

A Visual History of the Starbucks Logo

My boss and I were just discussing the song. I learned it from a friend who went to Reform Jewcamp where they were allowed to sing in English (at my more serious  Jewcamp, we were only allowed to sing in Hebrew. HARDFUCKINGCORE) about 25 years ago and I haven't thought about this song since then, and yet I still know all the words. And so should you.

Wherever you go there's always someone Jewish
You're never alone when you say you're a Jew
So when you're not home
And you're somewhere kind of 'newish'
The odds are--don't look far--
'Cause they're Jewish, too.

 It would be nice if everytime I felt alone, I was just like "YO, I'M A JEW!" and suddenly my apartment would be filled with friends, like in that story about the guy with the magical table and he says "Little table, get set!" and suddenly his table is magically filled with dishes and food. I guess I'd need to be more like "YO, I'M A CULTURAL JEW BUT I AM ACTUALLY AN ATHEIST ALTHOUGH LOOK AT MY NOSE AND HOW I TALK WITH MY HANDS AND ALSO I AM SO LOUD" to be more truthful. Anyhoo.

NEW KITTY!

New kitty in his natural habitat on top of the kitchen cabinets.

Seasons Tweetings

Would that my mother were still alive, the fact that Loehmann’s tweeted at me would make her absolutely kvell.

A Wiener Dog Wearing a Sweater

Look who walked into my edit! A wiener dog wearing a sweater! Here I am, just hanging out with a wiener dog wearing a sweater!

Fucking With Facebook

I am interested in activities! And my activities include interests!

(Facebook fuckery for Josh, who refuses to join the damn thing).

Gasp

Can't breathe!

(via)

Comedy Show! Tonight!

 Come watch me do comedic things, and I promise I will wear my bear hat!

Tonight! It's the Totally Jewy Family Hour Hannukah Party! At 8pm, but it'll totally start late (Jewish Standard Time!)

Your favorite shiksa aunt, Sara Benincasa,  co-hosts a night of Hebraic revelry with Uncle Ben Lerman!

Featuring...
Glennis McMurray
Eliot and Ilana Glazer
Heather Gold
Amy Beckerman
Bex Schwartz

FREE treats for Hannukah! FREE admission!
Luca Lounge
222 Avenue B (between 13th and 14th)

New York, NY

DREAM JOB

Stringer Shanghai / Reuters

A researcher dressed in a panda costume puts a panda cub into a box before its physical examination at the Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve, Sichuan province, Dec. 3. The 4-month old cub, the first in the centre to be trained for reintroduction into the wild, is monitored by hidden cameras. Researchers performing physical examinations on the cub wear panda costumes to ensure that the cub's environment is devoid of human influence, according to local media.

You guys! I found my dream job! Or rather, Noahsam found it for me!

Can you imagine? I'd get to spend my days dressed like a giant panda, hugging little baby pandas and putting them into boxes!

I feel like I have something to aspire to, all of a sudden.

But Captain Trips Will Get You High Tonight

I love everything about this story, mostly about how everyone on facebook posted a link to that HORRIBLE gizmodo article like "OMG ALIEN LIFE, WOW" as opposed to grokking that what this discovery means is that bacteria in an arsenic-filled lake are able to replace phosphorous with arsenic, which means that maybe life on other planets could exist with arsenic instead of phosphorus, which means we should be looking for arsenic on top of HONC and sulfur and phosphorus when we are looking for alien friends out there.

What I am GREATLY LOOKING FORWARD TO is the annoucement that DARPA has already weaponized arsenic-y bacteria and that the resulting biological weapon not only turns you in a zombie but also kills everyone first with Captain Trips.

Vegemitey

DANCE REMIX (of @joshfrench trying vegemite for the first time in Australia) from starbex on Vimeo.


Best Friend Josh went to Australia to go to Nerd Camp and they made him eat Vegemite and filmed the experience. And so, clearly, someone had to go make a dance remix. And that someone, as per usual, is me.

HUG A PANDA.

This is me, all the time. Just a baby panda, looking for a hug.


source!

That's The Very Reverend To You

Continental Airlines sends me as emails as a woman of the cloth. Somehow, I won something at life.

Dance Central Promo! (it will blast your socks off!)

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

I wrote/directed this promo for Dance Central. You can view this version and the alt cut at this superspecial page right here! I am super thrilled with these spots! The game is so much fun and so delightful and I love it so much.

It stars many awesome people from New York City / The Internets. People such as:
Carolyn Castiglia
Tyler Coates
Jessica Delfino
Ron Dizon
Ilana Glazer
Lucas Hazlett
Sergio Mejia
Heather Mingo
Paul Wielunski
Keisha Zollar

I do not know why the freezeframe is Tyler Coates (making his patented “confused face”), but I am thrilled to the gills that it is.

Drink Me

This is real and DEEEElightful. I’m going to a BYOB birfday dinner tonight and I would very much like to BYO-me. But according to their distributors list, the only people in NY who carry it are based, oddly enough, in my hometown of Glen Rock, NJ. This is very confusing to my head.

Other awesome things that happened on 9/20

NO BIG DEAL AT ALL, but the shark was officially jumped on MY BIRTHDAY.

source!

Timothy! Timothy! Joe Was Looking At You

So now that the Chilean miners are totally free and running marathons and being kickawesome on Letterman, I must share that I had to physically refrain from blogging about the song "Timothy" by the Buoys throughout the length of their ordeal. But now it is fine to make jokes about how the people in the song who were trapped in the mine eat each other in order to survive and then write a peppy pop song  about it! Indulge yourself in these glorious lyrics:

Trapped in a mine that had caved in
And everyone knows the only ones left
Were Joe and me and Tim
When they broke through to pull us free
The only ones left to tell the tale
Were Joe and me

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go?
Timothy, Timothy, God why don't I know?

Hungry as hell no food to eat
And Joe said that he would sell his soul
For just a piece of meat
Water enough to drink for two
And Joe said to me, "I'll have a swig
And then there's some for you."

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?

I must have blacked out just around then
'Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Timothy
Timothy...

And this song came up on my ipod today while I was running so I figured it was kismet and it was time for sharing. With my stomach as full as it could be (full of ... TIMOTHY!)

Avatar avatar! Avatar avatar! Avatar avatar!

GPOY-as-an-Avatar-avatar-W.

Nearly a year later, my IM avatar is still an Avatar. It’s an Avatar avatar. I will probably never stop being entertained by this.

Monkey Capybara Nosepunch

GIFSoup
Let us please use a monkey punching a capybara in the nose as our new internetz shorthand!
 
I made a gif all by myself! (original video via Julie Klausner, goddess).

MONKEY. CAPYBARA. NOSEPUNCH.

Bunny Whipped

I whipped my hare back and forth.

"I'm hiding ... in the front closet!"

Um, HELLO? CNN! If you send everyone a mass-email about where Bin Laden's hiding, don't you think he'll know that we know and then he WON'T HIDE THERE ANYMORE?

I mean. Like he's not looking at cnn.com on his iphone just as soon as he gets that breaking news alert? And then high-tailing the fuck out of northwest Pakistan?

I do not run the media or anything. But I wouldn't announce these things.

... with two, baloney!

When I was home during Christmas break of my frosh year from college, my little brother and I stayed up late one night. In fact, we stayed up so late, there was nothing good on tv, so we turned to the tv guide thing that used to come in the Sunday times. Do they still do that? The print version of the NY Times tv guide thing? Anyway. We were looking through it for something to watch at 4am, and it said:

"With Six You Get Eggroll" ... with two, baloney!

To me, this is a paragon of blurb-humor and I aspire to its greatness on a daily basis.

Thoughts on The Shipoopi

So! It turns out I know someone who did the Shipoopi with Kerri Green. This is probably the greatest thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and that guy is now my hero. I mean. Andy from Goonies is only the hottest babe ever in the history of babes. Robo-babe, Baberaham Lincoln, Babia Majora &c. But! More importantly! It has been a long time since I was in the Music Man as a freshman in high school. And I sort of remembered the lyrics, but not really.
And so:

Marcellus:
Well a woman who’ll kiss on the very first date
Is usually a hussy.
And a woman who’ll kiss on the second time out
Is anything but fussy.
But a woman who waits ‘til the third time around,
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground!
She’s the girl he’s glad he’s found—she’s his
Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi!

Boys:
The girl who’s hard to get!

SO. I only recently found out about the “Third Date Rule” because it was in that episode of Gr’anatomy where Bailey is nervous because she is going on a 3rd date with the hot anesthesiologist and the lesbian doctor is like “Third date! Wax your vagina! The third date means sex!”  I didn’t know this was a thing. But apparently, it is a thing, because people talk about the “third date rule” on the internet, and if it’s on the internet then it must be true.

So … clearly the third date rule comes from the Shipoopi, right? I mean, long before “The Rules” or Rachel having a “third date sweater” on Friends, Marcellus Washburn was singing about how a girl who kisses on the first date is a hussy, and a girl who kisses on the 2nd date is anything but fussy, but a girl who’ll wait til the 3rd date is your Shipoopi. In 1957!

So, clearly we should stop calling it the “third date rule” and instead just refer to it by its rightful title, “The Shipoopi.”

Also: according to The Shipoopi, I am a hussy (AND PROUD).

Bunnies in Cuppies

I was feeling a lot like I was in out-of-control drowning-stressed-mode until I watched these bunnies wiggle their noses. Now I feel a teensy bit better. Bunnies in cuppies wiggling their their noseys.


Thanks, buzzfeed!

Yes.

Via the inimitable Molls.

Cause love's such an old fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night

Double Kermit performance of "Under Pressure."

This is, probably, the greatest double Kermit performance of "Under Pressure" you will ever see. At the very least, it is the most passionate and fervent. It is making me weep with longing.
Via Odd Todd's facebook!

A little less conversation, a little more actionhero demonstrations

Dolph Lundgren. A little less conversation, a little more actionhero demonstrations while lip-syncing to himself singing Elvis, please.