Monkey Capybara Nosepunch

GIFSoup
Let us please use a monkey punching a capybara in the nose as our new internetz shorthand!
 
I made a gif all by myself! (original video via Julie Klausner, goddess).

MONKEY. CAPYBARA. NOSEPUNCH.

Bunny Whipped

I whipped my hare back and forth.

"I'm hiding ... in the front closet!"

Um, HELLO? CNN! If you send everyone a mass-email about where Bin Laden's hiding, don't you think he'll know that we know and then he WON'T HIDE THERE ANYMORE?

I mean. Like he's not looking at cnn.com on his iphone just as soon as he gets that breaking news alert? And then high-tailing the fuck out of northwest Pakistan?

I do not run the media or anything. But I wouldn't announce these things.

... with two, baloney!

When I was home during Christmas break of my frosh year from college, my little brother and I stayed up late one night. In fact, we stayed up so late, there was nothing good on tv, so we turned to the tv guide thing that used to come in the Sunday times. Do they still do that? The print version of the NY Times tv guide thing? Anyway. We were looking through it for something to watch at 4am, and it said:

"With Six You Get Eggroll" ... with two, baloney!

To me, this is a paragon of blurb-humor and I aspire to its greatness on a daily basis.

Thoughts on The Shipoopi

So! It turns out I know someone who did the Shipoopi with Kerri Green. This is probably the greatest thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and that guy is now my hero. I mean. Andy from Goonies is only the hottest babe ever in the history of babes. Robo-babe, Baberaham Lincoln, Babia Majora &c. But! More importantly! It has been a long time since I was in the Music Man as a freshman in high school. And I sort of remembered the lyrics, but not really.
And so:

Marcellus:
Well a woman who’ll kiss on the very first date
Is usually a hussy.
And a woman who’ll kiss on the second time out
Is anything but fussy.
But a woman who waits ‘til the third time around,
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground!
She’s the girl he’s glad he’s found—she’s his
Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi!

Boys:
The girl who’s hard to get!

SO. I only recently found out about the “Third Date Rule” because it was in that episode of Gr’anatomy where Bailey is nervous because she is going on a 3rd date with the hot anesthesiologist and the lesbian doctor is like “Third date! Wax your vagina! The third date means sex!”  I didn’t know this was a thing. But apparently, it is a thing, because people talk about the “third date rule” on the internet, and if it’s on the internet then it must be true.

So … clearly the third date rule comes from the Shipoopi, right? I mean, long before “The Rules” or Rachel having a “third date sweater” on Friends, Marcellus Washburn was singing about how a girl who kisses on the first date is a hussy, and a girl who kisses on the 2nd date is anything but fussy, but a girl who’ll wait til the 3rd date is your Shipoopi. In 1957!

So, clearly we should stop calling it the “third date rule” and instead just refer to it by its rightful title, “The Shipoopi.”

Also: according to The Shipoopi, I am a hussy (AND PROUD).

Bunnies in Cuppies

I was feeling a lot like I was in out-of-control drowning-stressed-mode until I watched these bunnies wiggle their noses. Now I feel a teensy bit better. Bunnies in cuppies wiggling their their noseys.


Thanks, buzzfeed!

Yes.

Via the inimitable Molls.

Cause love's such an old fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night

Double Kermit performance of "Under Pressure."

This is, probably, the greatest double Kermit performance of "Under Pressure" you will ever see. At the very least, it is the most passionate and fervent. It is making me weep with longing.
Via Odd Todd's facebook!

A little less conversation, a little more actionhero demonstrations

Dolph Lundgren. A little less conversation, a little more actionhero demonstrations while lip-syncing to himself singing Elvis, please.

“Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.” - ON YOUR BLOG.

Last night when I was making tofu pups at 11pm after the gym, “Boys of Summer” came on my ipod (don’t hate, some of us love Don Henley) and I was thinking about the lyric:

“Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.”

Did you know Wiki considers that to be the most famous lyric of the song?  The wiki entry even explains the line, in case you never thought about it while sauteeing processed tofu in spray-olive-oil:

After a mid-way instrumental break is perhaps the song’s most famous lyric: “Out on the road today I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.” This image of once-countercultural Deadheads driving establishment status symbol Cadillacs immediately connected with Henley’s age group, and neatly encapsulated the song’s feelings of loss and aging. It is rumored that this line was inspired by Henley seeing Joe Walsh driving a Cadillac Hearse with a Grateful Dead sticker on it while on Sunset Boulevard, despite Walsh’s 1978 driver’s license revocation.

Anyway. We all get it — a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac (don’t look back, you can never look back) is pretty self-explanatory.

So then I thought — what if there were things like Foursquare badges, but more like stickers that you could stick on to people’s blogposts or tumblrs? Like a sort of shorthand commentary — if someone goes to see, I don’t know, Lou Reed perform at that Boom Boom Room thing on top of the Standard and they’re all like “It was all fashionistas and anorexic girls in PR and people only knew the words to ‘Sweet Jane’ and then they didn’t even use the right shape of icecube in my scotch” then you could stick a “Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac” badge onto that post.

There could be other commentary-stickers, of course, but I only got as far as thinking about how I would to maybe stick a “Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac” badge onto certain blog posts (not yours, though) and then my tofu pups were done.

It’s badges for tumblr! Or stickers for tumblr! Badgr? (hat tip to Josh!) Or Stickr?

N Train Pretzel Epiphany

This morning when I was going to work from thurpy on the N train, I realized that the (N) on the LED sign looks just like a DELICIOUS NEWMAN’S OWN PRETZEL.

This is maybe a sign that I should allow myself to start eating carbs again.

Just wanted to share!

That Giant Cat Goes Everywhere!

Remember that time Josh and I were 18 and frosh at Wesleyan and we took that giant cat to this Bare Naked Ladies concert in Hartford for Earth Day and then we met Jim Creeggan AND WE ALSO HAD THAT GIANT CAT WITH US?

Best earth day EVER!

GPO-Your-Family-And-Also-A-Giant-Cat Tuesday!

This is a photo of my family from this weekend when I was the Rabbi/Minister at a wedding. I have been making getting-a-giant-cat noises for a long time, so, in order to persuade me to follow through on this plan, my best friend Josh photoshopped a giant cat into the portrait.
He says: "artist's rendering of what it would be like with a giant cat."

Oddly enough, this is EXACTLY what it would be like if there were a giant cat in this family portrait. My brother and I would be thrilled and my dad would be making a face like "Ooooh Nooooooooo, does there REALLY need to be a giant cat in this family, REALLY?"

GPO-Your-Family-And-Also-A-Giant-Cat Tuesday!

The Scary Mask Lady Thing in that Snickers Ad is SO TOTALLY Viola Swamp, just an FYI.

Last night at 2am when I was watching HIMYM on my DVR, there was a terrible terrible scary Snickers ad with this weird creepster mask lady. And I was like: “That is not just a mask lady! That is the evil substitute teacher from a book that perhaps I read when I was six!”

Nearly 12 hours later, I realized I thought the mask lady looked like Viola Swamp from “Miss Nelson is Missing,” because this is apparently the way my brain works.

You are so welcome!

Craig Finn Sings About Baseball!

Attention, The Hold Steady fans who also love baseball and also the music of people like my buddypal Scott McCaughey! When I saw Scott last week, he was telling me that Craig Finn wrote and recorded a song about the Twins (the Minnesota Baseball Peoples, not, like, the identical peoples in the doublemint gum commercials) for his band The Baseball Project, and it was already getting played at Twins' games and now it is on the internet for your listening pleasure. Listen to Craig Finn sing all about the Minnesota Twins. I have no idea what most of it means because I don't speak baseball, but apparently the moral of the story is: Please don't call them twinkies.

You know how when you are a little, little kid and you have the flu and you're sort of semi-delirious and you are watching tv with your parents because your sleep schedules are all fucked up because you're taking all that childrens' tylenol along with your antibiotics and you see a thing where Joe Piscopo sings a song to Tony Denono with the lines "Tony Denono, I can't believe that's your name" and then NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN THIS even though you talk about it all the time and you are convinced you hallucinated it?

It motherfucking exists. Somehow I feel like a large chunk of my life has suddenly shifted, rather satisfyingly, into space.

Happy 9/02/10

Here is my contribution to 9/02/10!
A few years ago, I was lucky enough to cowrite and codirect a spot for I Love the 90s. It was set at a recreation of the Peach Pit and starred none other than Joe  E. Tata, better known to you as Nat!


Joe was a pleasure to work with, a consummate pro and a total sweetheart who regaled us with tales from the set during the 90210 glory days. He even humored me when I joked about the Peach Pit offering a dish called a “Joe E. Fritatta” for brunch.

A week or so after the shoot, a box arrived at our office. We opened it up and it contained a thank you note from Joe, along with an autographed headshot and his “Nat” shirt from the Peach Pit, that he signed. I always meant to frame it, but instead it has been all crumpled up in a box for several years. Until today. Happy 90210 Day, peach pitters.

(inspired by Emily,  inspired by Slaughterhouse 90210)

The ol' Glen Fuck Bushes

How does this happen? I was thinking about the bushes in Glen Rock that kids used to cut so they said “Glen Fuck” — they would cut off the round bit of the R and the top of the o — so I twittercized about it, and then I googled the bushes to see if I could maybe find something about it, and HuffPo had already picked up my tweet? Is this a thing that happens now? The internet is eating itself and then pooping itself and it is a human centipede  / ouroboros?

Best. Backpack. Ever.

There is too much internet for me to catch up on, and I haven’t seen Mad Men or Jersey Shore or any of the Big Brothers I missed when I was away by myself in Belize. So I am going to stop catching up on the internets RIGHT NOW, because Sean won them. Because this is the greatest backpack the world has ever seen.

Bex Schwartz: The Zulkey Interview

I could not be more excited than I am about being interviewed by the legendary Claire Zulkey.