Hello Lunchmeat

There's an autumnal chill to the air which means I've been roasting cauliflower and thinking about how badly I want to go back-to-school shopping. Which made me think of one of my favorite all-time commercials, EVER:

Oooooooooooooooooooh

Theremin + Legend of Zelda = dreams do come true.

Watch me on TV Tonight!

Yo yo yo -- set your time-shifting television-recording device now! "The 40 Greatest Reality Show Moments 2" premieres tonight on VH1 at 8pm! Two hours of awesome! And it will probably repeat for many, many times! Because it's VH1!

Weeping Amber, the Anti Semite

So, I'm watching my first ever season of Big Brother, and I find it captivating. I'm also distraught at all the god-people on the show, although I like how the editors are quickly showing us how all the god-people are not high-and-mighty and good-living and nice, but are actually as douchetastic as the people-not-of-faith.

F'rinstance. Here's god-person Amber talking to god-person Jameka (incidentally, Jameka is the one who thinks the whole game is pre-deterined by god, and she also thinks that "god is gangsta." word). The audio is a wee murky at the top, but keep on watching and you'll soon discover that Amber is a nasty anti-semite, who probably feels DISNASTY after hugging Dustin all season, only to learn that Dustin is a (shock!) Jew. A gay Jew, at that!

I like how god-person Jameka starts slowly sidling away from Amber on the couch there as Amber gets more and more anti-semtically horrible. And also, Amber? You're on tv. And the internet. Good luck keeping that job as a Cocktail Waitress in Vegas, because we all know Vegas is run by the Jews.




Amber's comments:
"The majority of people I know from New York are Jewish, and the majority of Jewish people I know, my gosh, so many are so selfish. So weird. Even my sister always tells me, she's like my sister, and my mom will meet someone and I'll be like, 'I don't like that person. That person doesn't seem like a very good person to me,' and my mom and sister are like, 'You know why?' Why? 'They're Jewish.' How do you know? 'Amber you can tell by their last name, you can tell by their nose.' I'm like, 'Really?'"

FUCK ME WITH A HANDSAW

Geez louise! My typically 15-minute commute to work took me an hour and fifteen minutes. But at least I made it in. I'm cutting (yet another) Baio spot today and this place is a GHOST TOWN. Like, tumbleweeds style. For those of you who aren't in the NYC vicinity, there was some super duper evil weather and the subways aren't running and the buses are so crammed they're not even stopping. The mayor is actually telling people to stay home because there's no way that mass transit can get you where you need to go.

So I spent an eternity crammed like a sardine into a subway car with no a/c. I felt like a poor moo-cow on its way to slaughter. As did everyone else on train, which kept stopping for 20 minutes in between stations, which of course freaks me out because every time my subway stops between stations, my brain instantly assumes that there's another terrorist attack going or perhaps aliens have destroyed the city (it happens). But, no such thing -- just an aging infrastructure that can't support the sheer volume of commuters. Oh, the humanity.

Meme of the Food Shows

Tonight's Hell's Kitchen challenge: reinventing classic "American" dishes!!
That episode of Tof Chef where Micah was so insulting to Americans and their fondness for ketchup and yet her meatloaf was un-eatable: reinventing classic "American" dishes!!

Bonnie's assignment: reinvent franks and beans:
Lia's assignment: reinvent franks and beans (poorly, might I add. I would suggest: Tofurkey's beer brats or kielbasa -- mmm, "logs of chewy soy protein!" instead. or even smartpups! tofu dogs, i tell you!)
(I mean, dude, she just bought sausage and then she undercooked some lentils! Boring, Lia, boring!!

And, oh, see: poor Bonnie has never eaten franks-and-beans because she is a WASP.

Anyway. I must go eat my dinner (yes, I watch all my TV timeshifted) -- sauteed seitan over organic greens! reinvent THAT, suckas -- but apparently it is the season of the reinvention of classic "American" dishes!!

THE SEASON OF THE REINVENTION OF CLASSIC "AMERICAN" DISHES HAS ARRIVED!

I thus proclaim. Look for these reinvention-themed restaurants to crop up everywhere! WE ARE A NATION AT WAR and we are STARVING FOR COMFORT FOOD.

Catch the meme today.

But we're also not about to eat transfats. So, meme-spreaders, I ask of you only this: for the love of all things tasty and delicious, reinvent classic "American" dishes and serve 'em to the sheeple. For we are weary, depressed and in need of starch.

This Man IS An Island

This might be my alltime fave-rave New Yorker cartoon (thanks for the inspiration, Gawky!)

In fact, when I used to do performance-art-y funny stuff, I often liked to single out a dude in the audience and proclaim: "This man, ladies and gentlemen, this man IS an island."

You know. Because no man is an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.


But this man -- THIS MAN, friends -- literally is ... an island.

The mind reels.

So You Think You Can Wait on the World to Change

I'm sorry for my blog delinquence - I am all sorts of busy and spent right now, but please do dig some thoughts about So You Think You Can Dance and the Wade Robson / John Mayer performative debacle over on my Oomph blog!

LOLcat "River of Gods"

Confidential to fans of Ian Mcdonald's "River of Gods"

Michel Lauziere -- Master of Awesome

... this is by far one of the most whimsically amazing things I have ever seen on the teevee:

If I Were Ever To Have Children ...

... they would turn out JUST LIKE THIS:


(Kickawesome children-lipsyncing-Crazy-Frog video via my friend Steve's myspace page. Thanks, Steve!)

Rodeo from "Rock of Love" = Nicole Sullivan from "Mad TV"

Just wondering.

Rodeo from "Rock of Love"


Nicole Sullivan, of some tv stuff but you probably recognize her from "Mad TV"


Separated somewhere, if not at birth?

Fun With Edit

Ah! Akon's "Don't Matter" and R. Kelly's "Ignition" -- separated at birth? With a smidgen of the PussyCat Doll's "Stickwitu?" Eh eh?

Ignition Don't Matter Stickwitu
Uploaded by starbex

Not Getting Married Today

I meant to post this ages ago but apparently I am too busy to blog on my very own blog, alas. I saw the current production of "Company" the day it closed -- and they were filming it for a "Great Performances" on PBS and a DVD, no less! Perhaps you will hear me sneeze in the final production, as I sneezed several times during the show. I really enjoyed the show -- "Company" isn't my faverave of musicals, but the abstract staging was perfectly suited to the show (and worked much better than it did in the director's production of "Sweeney Todd," which, while awesome, wasn't *quite* as appropriate for the abstraction technique as "Company," which is already abstracted.)

And, of course, no one will ever own "Ladies who Lunch" the way Elaine Strich owns it, but the cast was really super awesome. Including Angel Desai, as Marta, who played the original "Spiritual Advisor" in my "There's no place like Celebreality" campaign featuring the singing-dancing cast of celebrity entourage members in a theme park environment.

But what I want to share is Madeline Kahn's genius take on "Not Getting Married" from a performance at Carnegie Hall. Gawrsh, I love that woman. What a frakking comedic genius and such talent. WE MISS YOU, MADELINE!




Also, I was super awesomely lucky enough to see Patti Lupone as Mama Rose in "Gypsy" last night and it was AMAZING and you should get tickets NOW because it's only around for three weeks.

Circumcision Jockey Shorts!!!

I went to go visit my friends and their new baby boy yesterday, and he was freshly circumcised. I wish I'd discovered this website sooner, because I would have brought him a set of special circumcision jockey shorts!!!

An Oldie but Goodie

I was first exposed to the magic that is the classic Barney/Tupac mashup back in 2002, long before Youtube was even a gleam in its parents' eyes. But it's still one of the most delicious things to watch ever, particularly the bit where they brush their teeth. See, I am going to see Xanadu tonight (drunkenly, bien sur) and I am so atwitter with excitement that I can hardly focus on writing scripts for Baio promos, and instead I am watching Barney lipsync Tupac for the 300th time. Join me, friends:

Today's Urban Dictionary Offerings

IM'ing with [redacted] results in positive neologisms! We hereby present: Douchtache and Googliable (pronunciation: goog-LIE-able):

He's Scott Baio; He's 45 and he's Still Single

This is my latest spot, for "Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single" (premieres Sunday 7/15 at 10:30, only on VH1!) A brief smattering of credits:
Writer/director: Bex
Producer: Flex
AD: JT
Music: Eargoo
DP: Peter Selesnick

Oh, yeah. Charles in charge of YOU, all the time!

Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single (image spot)
Uploaded by starbex

Michel Gondry: Cribs

Frakking a, this video colored me absolutely hilarious. It's perfect. Bravo, Olde English, bravo!



(link via Best Week Ever)

Score your own Sopranos Finale!

Blah blah David Chase blah.
Whatever, man -- the t-vision is storytelling and you didn't end your frakking story.

But, anyhoo: here's the most GENIUSEST WAY to get over your 'ranos agita!

Score your own finale!

Gawrsh, those boys at the Stereogum are so fucking awesomely smart.

Plug any mp3 link into the little boxy thing and watch the cinematic magic happen!!! Check out the Stereogum's suggestions and then see what the other 'gum readers have to say.

Seriously, I could play with this ALL DAY LONG.