I Blog for Ooomph

And, lo, I am awesome.

The Most Awesome, Awesome, Pointless Use of Celebrities in Front of a Green Screen To Ever Appear on a Highly Successful TV Program

MAN! When I was watching Idol last night, the faux VERY BAD lip-sync of Stayin' Alive made me stop being a misanthrope and start loving humanity again. Because this is just so so so very pointless and horribly done and stupid that I love people because people are just so awesomely obtuse sometimes.

Separated at Birth = Sanjaya and Naima

Now I know why Sanjaya's pony-hawk looked familiar! Because it's the exact same 'do the Naima wore in her cycle 4 finale of ANTM, when she won because it's the only time in the entire cycle that she actually looked attractive!

Mourning Uncle Kurt

It's 12:43 am, EDT. CNN is reporting that Kurt Vonnegut just passed away, at age 84. Of course, this was bound to happen. But I am sad, sad, sad. The universe loses a special wit today.

SO SAD!

Seriously, someone rad introduced me to Vonnegut when I was in high school (well, who amongst us didn't have their life saved by reading Vonnegut in high school) and it was the best revelation in the world: there were smart people out there and life wasn't always going to suck like high school. Vonnegut's books picked me up and dropped me, and I am truly sad to learn he's no longer with us. Uncle Kurt and Papa Heinlein - those men really changed my life. And I will never get to have dinner with either of them.

I am tired and I have to be at my new apt at the crack of dawn for the grand painting adventure, so I leave you with this:

Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; Man got to tell himself he understand.
-- Cat's Cradle

and this:

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’ ” -- God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

and, this, my most favorite Vonnegut line, which has become a sort of personal mantra for me whenever i get down, from Timequake:

You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.

My deepest, deepest condolences to his family and loved ones. You will be missed, sir, you will be missed.

But Hodge shan't be shot; no, no, Hodge shall not be shot.

There was this awesome thing on Gawker just a little while ago about the whole tainted pet food crisis and how Ron Rosenbaum had quoted that bit from Boswell's Life of Johnson (and also Nabokov's "Pale Fire" epigraoh) about one of Samuel Johnson's cats, named Hodge: (in response to Johnson discussing someone who was gallivanting around London and killing cats) “But Hodge shan’t be shot. No, no, Hodge shall not be shot.”

Seriously, I think Ron Rosenbaum was double-plus right-on. That's the best way to handle the catfood crisis of 07:

But Hodge shan't be shot. No, No, Hodge shall not be shot.

Just repeating it, like a talismanic mantra (he took a duck in the face at two hundred and fifty knots) (alternatively: he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts) fills me with all sorts of inner peace.

But Hodge shan't be shot. No, no, Hodge shall not be shot.

It's totally the new "stop the widening."

Creepy Creepy Cheney Hiding in the Bushes

Thanks to "Eat the Press" for the link of geniusness. Well played, well played.

The Best Music Video of All Time

Ultra mega wow. This German music video is exactly why the internets were invented.


ULTRA MEGA WOW!

It's this group called Deichkind and according to their Myspace, they're Ghettotech/Freestyle/Hip-Hop. And they "sound like: ELECTRONIC WITH NO LIMIT!" And they're AMAZING.

Thanks to my friend Jason, who remains, as always, the smartest man I know.

UNICORNS!

Granted, I am taking a prescription cough-suppresant that is molecularly similar to heroin, but: ENYA + cheesy stills of UNICORNS = bliss.

Never Trust Robots

Admittedly, it is entirely possible that my high fevers have burnt away all of my brain cells. That may be, but I have to say that this song "We're in Business" by Andrew Thompson is quite possibly the greatest song EVER IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Heard You're Sick and Feeling Ill: Headache, Fever, and a Chill

Ladies and germs, I am crazytalk illin'. I have a horrific flu that sucks so frakking hard. The only positive notes are
* hallucinatory fever dreams! (dare i call them "vision quests")
* not eating = losing weight
* sleeping 18 hours a day

I know, I know, there was a ladychick on House who was sleeping 18 hours a day and she had African Sleeping Sickness because she cheated on her husband with his buddy, who had gone to Africa and done got himself bitten by a tse-tse fly. But I've never been to Africa. No, wait, I have been to Africa. But that was about two years ago, and I think if I'd been bitten by a tse-tse fly in Morocco, I'd know already.

Being this supersick sucks, but I'm so glad I watch all those medical dramas. F'rinstance, today I ran out of tissues (seriously, I have to blow my nose every forty-five seconds. Even though I'm using the fancy aloe-lotion tissues, my nose is all WC Fields-y! Ack!) and it was an emergency, and I'm also coughing so much that my neighbors must think I have TB. So I needed to run to the pharmacy for more tissues, more cough medicine, and some chest-rub goo. But I had a crazy-high fever! What could I do?

Make like Dr. Cuddy and the kid with the super-high fever and jump into an ice-cold shower, duh.

It worked! My fever went down for like 10 minutes! House works! House is true!

Also, in the midst of a very scary fever-dream, I woke up absolutely needing to listen to "Oliver Cromwell" by Monty Python. In case this ever happens to you, it can be found right here . Lyrics can be found right here, if'n you'd like to sing along.

whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Health Care Reform, Out of Sync

If you watch the local news (as I do) in NYC, you're being bombarded with pro- and anti-Spitzer health care reform ads. They're all annoying. And only serve to make Spitzer seem like a detestable douche, and I'd like to like him because I met him before a Bruce Springsteen concert and he was quite affable and really likes The Boss, as do I.

But there's this spot that runs ALL THE TIME, and it makes me insane because it's a spot where people are singing and THEIR LIPS DO NOT SYNC. Are you kidding me? Do you think we won't notice that you slapped this together and didn't even bother to sync your shots? Cardinal rule of television spots -- anything out of sync makes the audience ONLY FOCUS ON THE LACK OF SYNC and completely disregard whatever you're telling them. So whenever I see this, all I can think is: their lips don't sync, their lips don't sync, their lips don't sync, their lips don't sync. Eliot who health care what?

Vote for the Worst

I am mildly obsessed with Vote for the Worst. If you live under a rock or you don't watch TV (GASP!), it's a website that chooses the worst American Idol contestant and urges the good people of Amerika to vote for the, um, worst. It's apparently why Sanjaya is still around. And, I tell you, I think it's just fantastic. I love subversion. And I love democracy. But mostly, I love subverting democracy. American Idol gives YOU the right to choose who becomes a wannabe superstar -- why not choose the durstest possible contestant, because what a laugh we'll all share?

A veritable chortlefall of hilarity.

So, I say: do it! Vote for the worst for American Idol. Just don't do it for American Government and other Electable Positions, because that would suck, hard. Like a Dyson. Hard-sucking.

This is me from Yesterday

I had a bad day (shut up, Daniel Powter). I was totally this cat.

Thank you, I can has cheezburger. You express myself when even words fail.

My mom said I should pour myself a glass of wine, but I had no wine. So I drank sparkling water instead, which is my poison of choice. Mandarin Orange Sparkling Poland Spring. It's replaced Diet Coke in my pantheon of drink awesomeness.

The Only Thing That Makes Life Worth Living after that OFFENSIVELY HORRIBLE Battlestar Galactica Finale

The Space Camp Song:

Frak Me, Battlestar Galactica

We are unbearable disappointed by the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. So let down, in fact, that we launched a website: Frak Galactica.


If secret cylons are built to suddenly become self-aware when they hear "All Along the Watchtower," does that mean that every time Number 6 talks about god, she's talking about Bob Dylan?

The Governor of California Speaks

Click, click, oh, please click.

If I Had Written and Performed the Lyrics to Chicago Hope, Starring Mandy Patinkin and Adam Arkin

It would have been deeply earnest and it would have sounded JUST LIKE THIS:

Watch Acceptable TV

I have been promoting this show ( Acceptable TV on VH1) for 9 kabillion years. Please please please watch it.

I Am SO Going To Wear a Baby Seal Hat to the Aquarium, Just So A Polar Bear Might Eat My Head