Jade vs. Syndrome

So, once again, while perusing FourFour's fabulous ANTM recap, I was struck with yet another Top Model separated at birth:


Jade vs. Syndrome (from the Incredibles).

Eh? Eh? And aren't they kind of similar in personality as well?
They're both snotty, arrogant, overly confident, and live in an evil lair under a volcanic island.

My Celebrity Fit Club 3 / Flavor of Love Spot is On the Internets

If you're feeling nostalgic for December's round of Celebreality promos, sate your appetite by re-watching the CFC3/FoL spot right here.


Such memories.

40 More Awesomely Bad Fashion Moments -- This Saturday at 9pm

Featuring: me. Set your tivo-esque recording device now!


40 MORE AWESOMELY BAD FASHION MOMENTS (series) premieres Saturday, 4/1 at 9pm.
(official blurb thing:)
"It’s tough being a celebrity. Especially, one who has to wear clothing. From barely there outfits to orange clogs with green socks to the demented schoolteacher look, it’s hard to know what’s terrible… at least until you leave your house in it. Fortunately, most celebs have eyes on them at all times, critiquing every fashion step (and misstep!) they make. This way they can learn from their mistakes. The two hour special will highlight the most recent A-list celebrity faux pas and celebrate all that is wonderfully bizarre about celebrity wardrobes. Whether these stars were working the red carpet or just strolling down a sidewalk, they force onlookers to ask- just who is your stylist? And why did you listen to them? 40 More Awesomely Bad Fashion Moments will feature curious fashion All-Stars like The Olsen Twins, Mariah Carey, and Paula Abdul plus the occasional mistakes by former fashion winners like Lindsay Lohan, Eva Longoria and Madonna. It’s not just the ladies! Nick Cannon, Alan Cumming, Robin Williams, and- no surprise here- Dennis Rodman have all earned 911 calls to the fashion police. A roundup of fashion experts, comedians and magazine journalists will delve into these fashion don’ts and try to figure out just what these celebrities were thinking."

Minus 5 In RAWK!

Hooooolaka! We rawked out with our frocks out at the Minus 5 show of supreme awesomeness! Let me share with you some fantasticness!

See, the Minus 5 is led by a longtime friend-of-Bex, the wonderful Scott McCaughey (or McCoy, if'n you're lazy).

The Minus 5 is an floating, shifting, ever-changing kind of rock conglomerate, and Scott is usually accompanied by Peter Buck and Bill Rieflin:


And last night, we were lucky enough to experience special guest Lenny Kaye, who is one of my all-time heroes just for "Horses," if for no other reason:


And now, let's allow the 16-year-old Bex (who was then known as "Becky" -- yeeks!) to geek out for just a second:
LOOK, it's PETER BUCK, from REM, my alltime faveravetastic band in the whole wide world!


Oh gosh! It's Scott McCaughey! From the Young Fresh Fellows! (She doesn't have to have her Young Fresh Fellows tape back).

I'm Sorry, But Andrew Card Seems to be a Zombie

If this doesn't look like what happens when your soul has been sucked from your body and now you're just a hollow, hollow shell of man with no feelings, thoughts, or emotions, then I'll eat my hat:


(I'm referring, of course, to the soulless zombie on the left. The guy on the right is also soulless, but unfortunately not a zombie {yet} ).

Mistah Weinberger, He Dead

And to mark his passing, one of my all-time fave-rave Bloom County strips (ah, Berkeley Breathed, how strongly you affected that childhood of mine): Opus the Penguin's ode to the morning. And Caspar Weinberger.


How I love to watch the morn,
With golden sun that shines,
Up above to nicely warm
These frosty toes of mine.

The wind doth taste of bittersweet,
Like jasper wine and sugar,
I bet it’s blown through others’ feet,
Like those of ...Caspar Weinberger.

We're Not Candy - the Update

Constant readers will recall that I once blogged about the horrible/wonderful PSA that haunted my youth - the one with singing felt pills who declared that even though they're look so fine and dandy, they're not candy. (I tremble with long-remembered fear even as I type this.) And, dig! Now it's on youtube, so we can all watch it and grimace with terror.



Sing along with the horrifying pill thingies:
We're not candy (believe us)
Even though we look so fine and dandy
When you're sick we come in handy
But, we're not candy (ooooh, no)

Thanks to constant reader Panda Cookie for the hook up!

You're Toxic; I'm Slipping Under

toxicpenguins, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

P!inkifcation is Running Rampant

So, did ya'll know that angry-grrrl poptart Pink actually spells her name "P!nk" ???

Avec an exclamation point!

So, I propose that we all start spelling our names with various punctuation marks and typographic fun. Henceforth, I shall be *bex. (pronounced: Starbex).

Tompkins Square Park is PENGUIN FREE!

03-24-06_1511, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Foot Soldier Joey has declared that Tompkins Square Park is now officially PENGUIN FREE.

Oh Boy, Taxes!!!

Oh lord. It took ten FRACKING hours at my tax guru today. OH LORD. OH LORDY LORDY LORD. Me so cranky. Me so grumpypants. Me so low low low blood sugar.


Ack ack ack ack ack. Please stick ten inch knitting needles into my eyes -- NOW.

But in happy news, I met lovely people!

A detailed account of the epic ordeal to come. But for now, I need to scream. Extensively.

Please, No.

Please, No., originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Please, No Penguins

Please, No Penguins, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Whilst riding the NYC fine, fine subway, please follow a few simple rules:
1) no smoking
2) no dropping of square boxes
3) no 80's boomboxes
4) no penguins

The no penguin revolution is nigh, friends. NIGH!

How 'bout ... A Fixins Bar for BARS?

Best ... Idea ... EVER!!!

What if you went to a bar and they had a fixins bar? A Fixin's Bar at a Bar! For your drinks! And I'm not talking about some boring-ass Roy Rogers' Fixins' Bar,
oh no no no no no.

Nor am I talking about those pump things one often finds at fixin's bars. (Although a pump full of Blue Curacao would be acceptable -- so every drink could be blue!)


I'm talking about a Fixin's Bar full of tasty things with which to Fixin' your drink! Things such as:
cherries
orange slices
lemon slices
lime slices
umbrellas
hunks of pineapple
those toothpicks that look like swords
those monkeys they put on your drinks in Tiki bars
food coloring
blue curacao
margarita salt
colored sugar crystals
sprinkles
celery (ew)
olives (double ew)


Imagine if this well-tended Fixins' Bar were full of things for your adult BEVERAGE!!!!


Replace those peppers with fruit slices! Replace that sour cream with cool whip! Replace the sliced onions with, for Josh, a very tiny totem pole in the pacific northwestern style!

SOMEONE DO THIS RIGHT NOW! Build a bar with a fixins' bar! Please? I'll be there every night.

The Dresden Dolls

So over at the ol' 'Gum, they posted a link to a song called Sing by The Dresden Dolls.

And, color me quite obsessed. I think the song's brilliant. TOTALLY brilliant. Have you listened yet? Then, listen, dammit.

I've been meaning to check out The Dresden Dolls since I read an article about them in Spin or something -- not only do they bill themselves as "Brechtian Punk Cabaret," (and I love Brecht! I love Punk! I love Cabaret!) but I went to college with Amanda Palmer. My most vivid memory of Amanda is a performance piece she did wherein she was dumped unceremoniously from a wheelchair right in front of the campus center, and lay there covered in blood and dollar bills while we all pretended not to gape. It was awesome.

I was also in a performance piece with Amanda that my friend Sarah organized - I don't remember the exact intention, but it was a womyn's studies kind of thing about Mulveyan gaze theory and there were five or six of us who posed naked in the campus art gallery, recreating the poses of famous statues. I think the point was supposed to be something along the lines of, "Could people look at real naked women with the same objectivity with which they look at statues of naked women?" and we had to be perfectly still and not intereact with the crowd while the crowd gazed at our naked bodies and tried to make astute observations as if we were works of art, and not people who would probably be sitting next to them in an English class the next day. I'm not sure if it worked. I remember there was lots of discussion about if we should hide tampon strings or keep them visible. And I remember i had chains wrapped around my arms, and that Amanda was posed in a prone position on a pedestal of some sort. In fact, I think I was re-creating a statue called The Greek Slave and I looked like this, only Jewish and probably with more bellyfat that I was sucking in (possibly along with a tampon string):

I Just Want to Hug and Kiss This Bunny

giant bunny, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

"Fooling Around With Grapefruit Juice is Not a Good Idea"

From today's article in the NYT about the weird, magical and bizarre effects that grapefruit juice has on various medications: the BEST QUOTE EVER:

"Fooling around with grapefruit juice is not a good idea."

Like, fer sure. The citric acid in that shit will burn a hole right through your dong. So don't fuck the grapefruit juice. And no fingerblasting, neither. You don't know where that grapefruit juice has been.

Okay, there already is a "Snakes on a Blog"

There's already a Snakes on a Blog and it's WONDERFUL and THOROUGH and EXTENSIVE and pretty fracking BRILLZ.

So consider our humble Snakes on a Blog as a humble outpouring of excitement over the movie, k? We're just silly. And stupid. And mildly ashamed that we didn't double-check that there wasn't already a MUCH BETTER AND MORE AWESOME version out there.

But I still plan on dressing up like a snake to attend on opening night. And my friend Nathan says he's going to dress as an airplane seat. KICKAWESOME!

Snakes on A Blog!

I'm proud to announce our new blog: SNAKES ON A BLOG!

Read Michelle's (my snakes-on-a-blogmate) official release right over here.

SNAKES ON A BLOG! SNAKES ON A BLOG! They're off of the plane and they're ON A BLOG! AAAARGH! ACK! EEEK! EEK!

Talking Cats! Talking Cats! For the Love of All Things Holy, THESE ARE TALKING CATS

Oh my goodness gracious, this is almost as delicious as the Number6/TopModel conglomeration.

And while we're at, courtesy of the Best Week Ever blog, do check out yet another one of those mash-up trailers -- This one's for "Must Love Jaws."

Oh Frack Frack Frack - Number Six is the New Tyra!

Must ... stop ... hyperventilating...
see, sometimes, late at night, deep in my mindhead, I fantasize about what would happen if one were to combine my two bestiest t-vision shows: what I like to call Balactica(Battlestar Galactica) and Model (America's Next Top Model).

And, holy shiz, someone done put their Balactica peanut butter into my Model chocolate! Behold: it's Canada's Next Top Model, hosted by Number Six! (Okay, she's really named Tricia Helfer, but she'll always be Number Six to me).

WHY DON'T WE LIVE IN CANADA?

Because, if only we lived in Canada, we could combine the greatest viewing pleasures of ALL TIME into ONE MINDBLOWING SHOW OF AWESOMENESS.

FRACK FRACK MC FRACK FRACK FRACK.

This is most genius piece of telemavision news since they greenlit Celebs on Ice.

I FInally Figured out Why Furonda Looks So Familiar

furonda, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

So I was reading the always wonderfulFourFour, my fave ANTM recap site, and I couldn't help but notice that Zorak + Xandir = Furonda!

A Testament to the Powers of Medical Marijuana

Behold, the Glaucoma Hymn!

Linkage courtesy of viacolleague-of-awesomeness, Jim.

Great Moments of the Interweb -- Flickr, The Music Video

Link via Stereogum, via Lindsayism , it's "Flickr, Now A Music Video!:

Jonathan Coulton, , you're a fucking genius. GENIUS!!!! This is my hands down most favoritest thing of all time.

And for those of you who don't get it (namely -- my parents? my non-blogosphere work friends?), do explore flickr, would you?

WOBULATION!

wobulation, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Wobulation? What the hell is it? It arrived on a swizzle stick that looked an awful lot like a pregnancy test -- was it perhaps a device to see if one were wobulating?

Oh, my tummy hurts -- such wobulation! Sort of like a wobbly ovulation. If ones ovaries were weebles, for example, one might wobulate?

And this swizzle stick clearly commands one to SEARCH wobulation? As in: wobulation is a new Google? Or is it really just an imperative to search "Wobulation" ???

And thusly and henceforth:
We returned to Amy's apartment after celebrating Jay & Devra's engagement and Googled it -- note: in the era of Google, is ogle now pronouced oogling? And ought Boggle be better branded as Boogle? -- and lo, and behold, this is what we discovered:

Wobulation = some sort of HP-devloped printing technique involving overlapping pixels.

Poo. Borrrrr-ing. But I can promise you that from here on in when I have menstrual cramps, I will refer not only to the squirrel digging for acorns in my womb, but also to my wobulation.

NO PENGUINS -- THE REVOLUTION

NO PENGUINS, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Okay ... so I ordered 500 "No Penguins" stickers (actually, they're "do not freeze" stickers") and we're going to cut the "do not freeze" bits off the stickers, and then we're going to out gallivanting, plastering the city with "No Penguins" stickers. Particularly bar bathroom stalls, bus stops, lampposts, and the penguin habitats at the zoos and the aquaria. What? "No Penguins" stickers at the penguin habitat? What if I can put a "No Penguin" sticker on a Penguin? Will it be like matter and anti-matter? Will the penguin explode?

So ... I'm waiting for my stickers to arrive. But here's the deal ... do you live in a city or town where there's a zoo or an aquarium or some other sort of penguin habitat? Because all you will have to do is send me a SASE and I will send you some "No Penguins" stickers -- AND, because I am supremely awesome and because my best friend Josh thinks it's a swell idea, I will also send you a friendship pin. But!!! The stickers aren't here yet, thus the NO PENGUINS revolution can't start yet, but stay tuned for details.

NO PENGUINS!

NO PENGUINS!, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

So my roomie got a package from UPS yesterday, and luckily, I was home nursing a backache so I could sign for it. I couldn't help but notice that this package was stamped with a large "NO PENGUINS" symbol. I was perplexed. Did it mean that the package had to be kept away from penguins at all costs? Would its contents kill penguins? Or would it drive the penguins into a hysterical frenzy, whereupon they'd attack with ferocious muster, pecking with their beaks, peck, peck, peck? And why was the penguin wearing such a dapper bowtie? Was this symbol saying "No penguins dressed in eveningwear?" As in, penguins in casual attire would be acceptable?

Upon further examination, I noticed that directly under the NO PENGUINS symbol it said, "refrigerate - do not freeze." Bam! "No Penguins" apparently means "Do Not Freeze." But if the symbol is supposed to be for people who can't read or understand "Do Not Freeze," it's oh so confusing! Why not a "No Icecubes" or a "No Snowflakes" or a "No Igloo" symbol to indicate do-not-freeze? Why does a bowtie-wearing penguin mean freeze?

The mind reels, friends. Absolutely reels.

TV GOODNESS OVERLOAD

Ohhhhh, man. So we watched Next Top Model (can I get a whutwhut for the Jesus Whore?) And then we watched the devastating conclusion of Runway (I hate to say it, but Santino wuz robbed). And then we decided, what the hey, we'd give Top Chef a try. I'm not sure how I feel about it -- all that hacking-of-meat! And I can't taste the dishes! But my biggest problem with the show is what happens to my brain every time the host, Katie Lee Joel, comes on screen:

I Got My Start on the LES, Oh Yes I Did

And this article in New York Blade proves it!

Say What? Human Quadrupeds?

Just when you think you've seen everything, they find a Turkish family in which everyone naturally walks on all fours.

Pluggity Plug! I'm doing BRUTAL HONESTY On Tuesday, March 7th!

Oh boy!
It's ...
Brutal Honesty's greatest hits!!!

What day?: Mar 7, 2006 (Tue)
Where?: Otto's Shrunken Head
Huh?: 538 East 14th Street (between a&b, I think)
When?: 8:00 PM
Blurby?: Sara Allocco, Brandy Barber , Bex Schwartz, friend-of-Bex Rachel Kramer Bussel and more come back to reprise their best Brutal Honesty stories from various shows. Hosted by Lianne Stokes, Becky Yamamoto, and Giulia Rozzi.

I'm a greatest hit! I'm a greatest hit!

Here are Project Runway's Greatest Musical Hits:

(I tell ya kids, this shit is what's getting me through the night ... and by "the night," I mean this KILLER FUCKING HEADACHE).