Hello, my name is Bex Schwartz and I am about to sing you a ditty. [A Ditty:] This is my home in the blogosphere. It's not as round as a bathosphere. But it's my place in cyberspace so I hold it dear. BLOG. O. SPHERE!
Hug me, please.
How does this happen? I was thinking about the bushes in Glen Rock that kids used to cut so they said “Glen Fuck” — they would cut off the round bit of the R and the top of the o — so I twittercized about it, and then I googled the bushes to see if I could maybe find something about it, and HuffPo had already picked up my tweet? Is this a thing that happens now? The internet is eating itself and then pooping itself and it is a human centipede / ouroboros?
There is too much internet for me to catch up on, and I haven’t seen Mad Men or Jersey Shore or any of the Big Brothers I missed when I was away by myself in Belize. So I am going to stop catching up on the internets RIGHT NOW, because Sean won them. Because this is the greatest backpack the world has ever seen.
I hate everything, except for this. I just watched this four times with tears streaming down my face in a combination of joy and just plain being overwhelmed by the eye injections. EYE INJECTIONS. Why did it take until now for the Rockafire Explosion to sing The Arcade Fire while the world is destroyed and Mitzi and Beach Bear get EYE INJECTED?
When I was about 4 and my brother was teeny tiny, we went to visit my dad's family in Charleston. When we flew back, my brother got his finger stuck the fold-out airplane tray that comes out of the seat when you're sitting in the bulkhead. His finger was gushing blood. The stewardesses called an ambulance to meet us when we landed. My brother and mom went to Valley Hospital in the ambulance. My dad and I met them there. There was a toy shaped like Ernie from Sesame Street that was filled with sand and you could tilt Ernie and let the sand flow from his fingers to his feet. We were not supposed to be spending that night in the emergency room waiting for my baby brother to have his hand stitched up. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO SHOWBIZ PIZZA TO SEE THE ROCKAFIRE EXPLOSION. My parents PROMISED. But we TOTALLY DIDN'T GO. We went to the ER and there were no animatronic animal bands or ball pits. There was just a stupid plastic Ernie filled with sand.
Oh, Wellmont Theater of Montclair, NJ (did my dad put me on your mailing list? Why are you emailing me?) All I can say is: you have put your Primus chocolate into my Bob Saget peanut butter and I am not sure if you aware of the raw genius that is this email blast.
Primus and Bob Saget! Two delicious tastes that go even better together!
My secret girlfriend Robyn did a secret (?) show in Tribeca yesterday and nobody remembered to tell me about it. But at least there is video.
Also, I am totally into the half-blue-head thing.
Remember on Lost when everyone had to FEEL IT? This song makes me FEEL IT. I have been FEELING IT for months, me and this song. But this morning on the way to work, I super duper FELT IT. It was totally a could-have-been-on-Lost FEELING IT moment, except before Lost decided to suck like nobody's business with the world's worst cop-out of crap. Stop thinking about how much Lost sucked! Watch Robyn! She will make you FEEL IT.
Via Lindsay and Urlesque, today I internet-met a pug named Teddy Almond Turtle who yells BATMAN! Except, in my head, he sings it. Because I am tone-deaf and can't really sing, so basically hitting the right words at the correct time with a vague sense of rhythm is good enough for me. By which I mean to say: I very sloppily and hastily cut the pug into the Batman theme song, because I am very, very, very easily amused.
This new Quizno's spot wants to be by Joel Veitch, the genius behind the singing kittens and the original spongmonkeys Quizno's campaign. This new spot is not by Joel Veitch. It is a poor man's version of Joel Veitch.
Joel is my friend and we collaborated many years ago on 9 singing kitten spots for VH1. Quizno's can suck a dick for ripping off the Veitchness and hiring someone else to do the awesomeness that Joel does so well -- but at least they fail, so there's that.
AHEM. This new Quizno's spot is NOT BY JOEL VEITCH.
It lacks his cleverness and mastery of the absurd.
Sometimes I just feel like a giant panda who REALLY REALLY REALLY wants a denim jacket and will stop at nothing to get it, not even turning into a violent panda like the one in Tekken.
Hello, internets! Paging people who know something about archeology, maybe? I found this thing, that I think is maybe a spearhead? Or something similar? I found it in September of 2001 when I was at my friend’s place on Vinalhaven, off the coast of Maine. It was in the shallow water right off the beach. At the time, I had just completed a heroic dose of mind-expanding natural plants during which I imagined that I was some sort of Native American healer, so you can only imagine my joy at finding what I thought was a token (what does Ayla call them, the things she puts in her amulet? A totem?) or a sign from the universe or something.
So. It is this thing. Next to a penny for scale-reference. What is this thing? I truly hope it is actually a thing and not just a random rock that my brain decided was a thing. It does look like it was hammered or chipped away at or something like that. It's not sharp like a spear but maybe it is some other sort of tool? Dr. Jones? Anyone?
“Time to check out the wildlife I've got captured here in my room, in my illustrated Wildlife Treasury! Hey, Rhinocerous! Says here, you sleep standing up and you only eat at night! This monkey holds up his long nose when he eats. And the duck-billed platypus has feet like a duck, but it’s furry! They’re all in my Wildlife Treasury!”
This is the part that just broke my heart into a million pieces because I remember how anxious it made me feel that the mom was going to just DESTROY this kid's dreams:
Mom: Hey, Jungle Jimmy! More Wildlife Treasury cards just came!
Jungle Jimmy: GREAT!
Mom: You could cancel after the next shipment ...
Jungle Jimmy: But we won't ... will we, Mom?
He is so forlorn at the very notion that you could cancel after the next shipment! Don't do it, commercial mom! Let this kid cling to just one dream. Everything is totally going to suck for him eventually. So let him be 6 or 7 or even 8 and convinced he's really on a fucking safari.
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