Hello, my name is Bex Schwartz and I am about to sing you a ditty. [A Ditty:] This is my home in the blogosphere. It's not as round as a bathosphere. But it's my place in cyberspace so I hold it dear. BLOG. O. SPHERE!
Hug me, please.
Once upon a time, I was in an episode of NOVA ScienceNow about mirror neurons. They showed us sad movies and we cried and they filmed it, to show how people react similarly when experiencing other people's emotions -- eg, in Terms of Endearment, when Shirley MacClaine is weeping and shrieking about giving her daughter the shot, the viewer's brian mirrors that emotion and the viewer cries. Or, at least, I cry. I cry a lot at movies. And tv shows. And occasionally commercials. And when listening to certain songs. And when thinking about certain things.
Anyway. I was in this thing a million years ago and blogged about it and promptly forgot about it until someone on facebook wrote on my wall that he had seen the Mirror Neurons video in his biopsychology class. So, therefore, perhaps I am mildly almost semi quasi famous for crying in a video about mirror neurons that is now shown in biopsychology classes.
Watch me cry, around the :40 mark, and then again a few seconds later.
Ladies and gentlemen, I could be crazy, but isn't Kelly Clarkson's new song "My Life Would Suck Without You" actually the same tune as Dar Williams' "Spring Street?"
During the 10pm CW (WPIX) news (it was on after Top Model, okay?), during a story titled "Troublesome Trannies" about teenaged transvestites robbing women at a luxury apartment building and using the loot to buy "feminine objects" like wigs and stockings, we spotted a sex toy:
Oh boy, Monday morning is a must-see tv doozie-a-rama.
First -- if you're like me, you straighten your hair and put on eye makeup every morning in front of your mirror, standing in front of your happy sunlamp and watching the Today show on NBC. And if you're also like me, you are usually running late for work unless you have a shoot, but luckily it only takes you 18 minutes to get to work, so you get to watch a bit of the most awesome hour of television, the infamous "4th Hour of Today with Hoda and Kathie Lee." Seriously, there is nothing better than starting your day with the everpatient Hodawoman and the consistently loopy-and-loopier Kathie Lee. I love them so much I want to put a ring on them. And, in the most kickawesome news ever, this Monday, February 23rd will feature a combo more delicious than even chocolate and peanut butter (creamy; I can't eat nuts). More tasty than a grilled soy cheese on sourdough! More yummytastic than a salad of arugula, tempeh bacon and fuji apples! Kathie Lee and Hodawoman PLUS the awesomeness of Jon Friedman and his book, Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped, and Canceled.
Is this weird? This never struck me as being weird before, but then I saw this Jeff Probst / Black History Month promo and at the end, there's a sort of sepia-toned endpage and Jeff Probst is standing there in a black sweater, and he is chyron'ed as "Jeff Probst, Survivor." And for like three seconds, my brain was like "What did Jeff Probst survive? Was it cancer? Did he have prostate cancer?" and it took a little while for me to realize that he wasn't a survivor of anything, he just hosted it. But still! When you typically see someone with the word "Survivor" chyron'ed beneath them, they are typically (fill-in-the-blanks) survivors! Breast Cancer Survivor! Hurricane Katrina Survivor! Traumatic Event Survivor!
CBS confused me! Tricksy, tricksy CBS! Manipulating me into loving Jeff Probst EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO.
Friends. Two, count them, two hours of "40 Most Shocking Celebrity Divorces" (featuring me!) premieres tonight on VH1 from 9-11pm. Set your tivo/divo now (or catch a repeat). I'm wearing my Obama-Riding-A-Unicorn shirt in the show, so cherish the Inauguration Day memories while you can.
The Heartbreak Show February 12 @ 7pm Slipper Room 167 Orchard St New York (212) 253-7246 $10
"6 Strangers tell their tales of love and woe, 3 Celebrity Judges judge them harshly, one drunken host tries to keep it together while she sings and chit chats about her own love gone wrong while the audience votes who is The Number One Heartbreaker, Dreammaker, Love Taker, Don’t You Mess Around With Them.
Join Susannah “The Goddess” Perlman and her most trusted announcer, Mister Confusion (AKA Paulie Confusion) and la showgirl de jour Darlinda Just Darlinda for her 2nd annual Heartbreak Show to make your Valentine’s Day Weekend a little bit more tolerable. Listen as Jeff Glasse, Abbi Crutchfield, Dan Allen, Becky Ciletti, Bex Schwartz & H. Alan Scott attempt to melt hearts. Will they move judges Noah Tarnow, Ophira Eisenberg, Angry Bob and Carmen Mofongo (fresh out of retirement but not out of hats) to tears or get a collective eye roll? Give the lovelorn contestants the violin strings or tell them to give you a break as they compete for the title as the ultimate Heartbreaker or Heartbroken in night of Cabaret meets Game Show meets the Broken Heart.
If you like a good story and need to commiserate your own broken heart COME ON DOWN & You can win prizes from rocking LES businesses such as Babeland & Demask."
I was half-watching the Grammys (occupational hazard). And I was tweeting. So is here is my observational humor about the Grammys, which probably only make sense in realtime. Realtime like 24!
# when did Robert Plant turn into Billy Connolly?
# John Mayer's "rock face" plus haircut makes him look like a monchichi.
# Oddly enough, watching Neil Diamond perform "Sweet Caroline" at the 2009 grammys fills me the same giddy glee as Obama winning the election
# When Gwynnie introduced Radiohead, I felt like I was watching her cuckold her husband. about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry
# Bass. I meant bass. with Paul McCartney. Who was that?
# who was playing guitar with Sir Paul? It is on the tip of my brain.
# Bono! No sunglasses! First time in ten years! Guyliner! Eeks!
Friends, who amongst us hasn't experienced exactly what little David is feeling (after, apparently, a visit to the dentist for some minor oral surgery?)? 3D Stereo Trouble, indeed.
Okay! So! Eagle-eyed reader "Karl S." did even more additional research and points out that the logo on Joey Kramer's shirt in this photo very clearly matches the logo for one of the sporting-goods stores Team Joey Cramers discovered in Sechelt, called "Source for Sports." (Hooray for cross-referencing.)
See?
So now we know where he works. Should we write him a letter and include something for him to sign? Should we email the store? Should we ... eeps, call the store and ask to speak to him?
NO. NO. NO. We shall not bother Joey Cramer. We are just so happy to know he's alive and ostensibly well. Perhaps we will someday gather the nerve to write him a fan letter and beg him to return to acting, perhaps in Flight of the Navigator 2: The New Batch.
But perhaps Joey himself might be pleased to know that we are so thrilled to have discovered him! But, we shall not bother Joey Cramer. Not until the moment is right.
Wowie wow wow wow! Despite suffering from a terrible sinus thing, today is the BEST DAY EVER because I've received breaking news on my most-commented-on-ever post "Help Us Find Joey Cramer?" For years, my readers and I have been wondering whatever happened to adorable little Joey Cramer, star of the most excellent "Flight of the Navigator." And apparently, he's been FOUND!
Reader Mobius01, aka "Karl S.," linked us to a an answerbag post entitled "Where is Joey Cramer?" On that site, one "Gordo" reveals that Joey "is working in a sporting goods store in Sechelt in B.C (on the Sunshine Coast)." He even provides a photo! Eagle-eyed readers will spot that the fan in the photo is holding a VHS of none other than "Flight of the Navigator." Is this really him? Let's do a quick side by side comparison:
Survey says ... yes? The fact that he's wearing a red shirts seems to help a bit.
Further research reveals that there are three sporting good store in Sechelt, British Columbia: Off The Edge Adventure Sports Ltd , Rivers Edge Sport Fishing Outfitters and Source For Sports. Constant readers in the great sleeping giant to my north (aka Canada,) any future research would be most welcomed. Joey is still, as always, invited to do a guest-post on this blog.
Oh man, long ago, back in 2001, a few scant weeks before those towers came down, when I was sort of eating-disordery and there was nothing at all to worry about in the world, the Saint Reverend Jen and I appeared on an episode of Peter Bernard's show "Rools Like Ozzy" to promote Rev's show that I was directing, and we also discussed the amazing moment when we encountered Giuliani and accosted him about the unjust cabaret laws in NYC, because, back then (and now), Dance is Not a Crime.
Look - unfortunate fashion, hairstyle and makeup choices from back in 2001 are also not a crime, okay? So power up that way-back machine and take a gander.
They keep playing that song on tv, but all I can ever think of is "Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to ..." Oh, "Dave," you are the mightiest of presidential earworm providers.
Oh happiest of happy days. So happy, in fact, that I shall share this photo with you:
This morning, I shot a show for the VH1 that will air sometime in the near(ish) future. To mark the awesomeness of today, I wore my most awesome shirt ever -- Obama Riding a Unicorn. It is the greatest shirt in the whole multiverse. Chris Bishop should be hailed, not as a Chief, per se, but as the best t-shirt designer ever. (Because prior to designing Obama Riding a Unicorn, he also designed "Afternoon Delight" featuring two humping unicorns in front of a rainbow, which used to be my favorite tee-shirt until I got the Obama Riding a Unicorn tee-shirt, which is now, of course, my very most favorite).
So, this is me! Post-shoot! Wearing my Obama Riding a Unicorn shirt. Happy Best January 20th ever.
The missing link!! Suddenly everything makes so much more sense!!! If I saw a polar bear dancing on a couch, with such supreme dance moves, I would react in the exact same way as Sue Simmons! I feel like the world shifted on its axis and then wobbled back into its typical position, at the exact same moment that I watched this for the first time.
Thank goodness for Jon Friedman and his amazing abilities to set everything straight.
Okay, so today is a poopy workday and I thought I'd take a 4-minute break and refresh myself by perusing Thinkgeek, which usually makes me feel a little bit better and also makes me want a clock that keeps time in binary, but today I found the most lovely thing: a moon in a jar! So then I was like "a moon in a jar! Why is that so familiar?"
And then I found myself singing "Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, and be better off than you are, or would you rather be on Earth?"
And then I was like, "What the frak is that from?" And then the little man in my brain somehow dredged up a long-forgotten memory of a sitcom that maybe aired after "Small Wonder" and featured a girl who was an alien and had special powers and could freeze time. At first, I thought I was only remembering some sort of cherished childhood dream, until I realized it ACTUALLY was a tv show, and it was called "Out of This World."
But then I was like, "Wait, isn't this an actual real oldsy-timesy song, like from before it was about 'would you rather be on Earth?" So I looked it up. And it's a Bing Crosby song from the 40s aaaaand ... it is SUCH A MEAN SONG!!!!
This entire song is so anti-mule! (and also anti-pig and anti-fish). The whole thing is asking you, "Would you like to swing on a star carry moonbeams home in a jar and be better off than you are or would you rather be a mule?" (or pig, or fish).
So, wait just a goll-darn minute. Why is this song so mule-ist and piggist and fishist? Why couldn't a mule swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar? The mule would just need a mule-shaped spacesuit, the exact same thing a human would need if she were to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. Same thing for the pig. And the fish, well, the fish would have it best of all! He could stay happily in his waterbowl (as long as the fishbowl is safely enclosed), and would just need a robotic arm for carrying home the moonbeams home in a jar. So I just don't get it. Why is it an either/or situation? I would like to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar, but I'm quite sure I could accomplish both activities were I a mule. Why has no one ever attacked this song before for being so needlessly cruel to mules? A mule should be able to grow up believing it can be anything it wants to be, except maybe a mule-mommy, although apparently some mules are fertile (contrary to popular belief).
So, what I'm saying is, be nice to mules. They have such velvety-soft noses. Look. Here is a photo of me feeding one. That is my patented feeding-the-mule face. It is copyrighted and everything.
I'm pleased as very alcoholic punch to announce that a very special 1/2 hour tv show version of "Rock Band 2 the Stars" is airing on VH1 at 5:30pm on Thanksgiving, 11/27. It's just the thing to watch as you're drifting in and out of a tryptophan induced food coma.
So! Don't forget!
Thursday, 11/27 at 5:30pm! Only on VH1!
You can also catch the 1/2-hour tv special show on VH1 Classic: Friday, 11/28 at 11pm! Monday, 12/1 at 3:30 pm! Friday, 12/5 at 2:30am!
I have Time Warner Cable and it comes up as "Rock Band 2" in my DVR list. The more you know!!!
In the grand finale of "Rock Band 2 the Stars," Alice Cooper and First Blood face off against Sebastian Bach with A Vengeance at the legendary Viper Room. Only one band will reign supreme!
Posts
