Treat Buckets With Bobby

Chatting with Bobby Finger at the end of a long work day.

We're internetfriends/workfriends!

(Based on Bobby's tumblr about a "chocolate snack pack" in the office fridge.)

Bex: DUDE. what is a chocolate snack pack? and why is it in the fridge?   

Bobby: it's just pudding. but it's the best pudding because it has the best name 

Bex: why is it called a SNACK PACK? a pack of snacks? i see no pack

Bobby: WHY WOULDN'T IT BE

Bex: i see a ... a tub? SNACK TUB

Bobby: WOULD YOU EAT A TUB? i only eat packs. 'tub' makes you feel like a tub.

Bex: i guess tubs are full of gross things. a tub of margarine.

Bobby: packs make you feel like you have a six pack. aka you're healthy.

Bex: do they come in vanilla?

Bobby: they come in all the traditional pudding flavors 

Bex: is pudding a snack? i always thought it was more of a treat. a snack is like some goldfish crackers 

Bobby: a snack is any small serving of a food that isn't considered an entree. like you can snack on fries. but you couldn't snack on a burger. a treat is a bite-sized version of a dessert. ok so maybe snack pack should be in the treat bucket. i'm writing these rules and contradicting myself. they're treat packs. you're right. they're basically treat tubs. 

Bex: wait. i think the snack pack should be called a treat bucket. i think you just named it 

Bobby i'm convulsing right now. treat bucket. 

Bex: TREAT BUCKET

Bobby: omg. i'd buy them 

Bex: why does that make me feel so dirty? i'd buy them and strap them to my face like a feedbag. "i'm sorry, i can't talk to you right now, i am busy enjoying my treat bucket." 

Bobby: "hold my calls" "r'ohm rorry, rah canghtralkyourow. riamburryenroyingmyreatbrucketrrrrrr" 

Bex:  snerk. now i want a treat bucket SO BAD. let's go steal the one in the fridge. 

July 30th - EVERYONE CAN GET MARRIED

OMG, best weekend ever, right? I am still slightly drunk (I think) from celebrating MARRIAGE EQUALITY so very hard!

So -- hugetastic news:

Some friends and I have been hard at work on NYC's first Pop Up Chapel. From our site:

On Saturday, July 30th, the first weekend after same-sex marriage becomes legal, we will host New York City’s first pop-up chapel in Central Park (or a designated space, if interest outpaces capacity.)

We provide the wedding! And the photographer! And the officiant! And witnesses! And cupcakes! And music! And everything you’ve always dreamed of! A free and legal wedding... We will perform your wedding ceremony, sign your license, and process the paperwork.

Please check out our site, and follow us on twitter, and like us on the facebook.

Also, we need your help! Want to volunteer? Want to sponsor us? Want to provide cupcakes? Play guitar? Set up the altar? Provide flowers? PLEASE let me know! You can email me at:
Bex AT popupchapel.com

Look! Gothamist is already covering us!

EVERYONE GETS MARRIED

Do you want to get married?

(Not to me, per se. To the person you love).

If you want to get married, especially once it becomes legal for EVERYPERSON TO GET MARRIED in NYC, I have the power to wed you. Here, in my fingertips. For I am an ordained minister with the ULC, and I am legally registered with the City of New York as a wedding officiant.

You just need to be very much in love and excited about getting married, and then you'll just need to get a marriage license. I will do whatever sort of ceremony you'd like. (You want some Hebrew? Sure thing. You want an original song parody about your relationship? I can do that, too. You want the whole thing to rhyme? SURE THING. You want it to be Star Wars themed? OKAY! You'd like your wedding to be all interfaithedly atheistic? GOOD THING, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL. You'd like to enter the ceremony riding an elephant? YOU WILL NEED TO FIND THAT ELEPHANT.)

The point being: if you want to get married, I will ordain your wedding. I will sign your marriage license with my very special New York City wedding officiant information and then I will send your license to the city clerk and they will process it, and then you will be all married and shit like that.

BEAR IN THE BATH

All I want in the world is to take a bath with a bear.

Real Talk with the Captain

I’m so sorry. I have made myself laugh so hard that I am crying my eye makeup off. And then every time I stop laughing, I look at this and then I laugh again. I am just sitting here WEEPING. WEEPING. WEEPING. Maybe it's because I was awake until 6am, but this is the funniest thing I have ever written.

My Parents are SO FAMOUS

My parents are SO FAMOUS! They’re on a fancypants website!

Hearts and stars to Eliot Glazer!

Pretty Pretty Rob Lowe

 
This morning, I tweeted at Rob Lowe to tell him that he does not know what “glass ceiling” means and he is TOTALLY IGNORING ME and giving me the ROB LOWE SILENT TREATMENT and I am literally sobbing.

Also, after I tweeted at him, I spent about 5 hours worrying that he was making a joke about the glass ceiling that I just didn’t grok, until I realized (I think) that Rob Lowe just doesn’t know what “glass ceiling” means.

Louder Than A Bomb

Go see my friend Greg's movie! If you like teenagers and you like slam poetry and you like Chicago! It's playing at the IFC Theater here in NY right now! You are a fool if you miss this.

Not If I See You First, Andrew Smiley!

I saw this spot on TV and I was like “WAIT, WHAT?”

Andrew Smiley says “See you next Tuesday.”

And I don’t think he knows? He could have just said “Call us on Tuesdays!” or “We run this promo every Tuesday to teach you about medical malpractice!”

But, noooo. He calls us, collectively, a cunt.

That fucking bastard.

(thanks for posting it, youtuber Imbeccable!)

Panda Boo Bear and the Sleeptimes Snorings

O, What a Beautiful Morning

This morning, as I was still clinging tenaciously to the remaining threads of a delicious dream, Panda Boo puked all over me and my bed. And it was so gross and so warm and so gooshy that I involuntarily puked all over the cat, and myself, and the bed. We were both covered in puke! Me and my cat, with so much puke in our fur! So I put me and the cat into the shower, and then I cleaned the sheets and dropped them off with the nice lady who does my laundry and asked her to bleach them to high holy heaven. WHAT A MORNING. 

Best Commercial Ever

My superpal Peter is the star of what I believe to be the greatest commercial ever.

Robyn Documentary, You Guys!

There is a documentary about Robyn on youtube! I love her so much! I want to cuddle her! I want to be the outside spoon, and believe me, I never want to be the outside spoon. But I would be the outside spoon if I were cuddling Robyn,

(via Diego!)

(I don't want to cuddle the 11-year-old Robyn, that would be creepy. But check her out!)

Truth

Come to the BIG QUIZ THING on Monday!

MONDAY—APRIL 25—7:30pm

THE BIG QUIZ THING
The trivia game show that you get to play!

Featuring...
$300!
in big, big cash prizes...
plus much, much more

With video puzzles including…
One Letter Apart

And the audio round…
Rock, Paper, Scissors

...and more, including the LIGHTNING ROUND, SMART-ASS POINTS and the big buzzermongous THREE-WAY FINALE!

Quizmastered by Noah Tarnow
With EDP
Special guest sidekick Bex Schwartz!

at a new location…
M1-5
52 Walker Street (between Broadway and Church Street)
7:30pm / $10

More details at bigquizthing.com
More trivia! @bigquizthing

Bieber Boober Doobie Bieber

Happy Passover again!

Here is the Happy Passover card I made for you last year when I was out of my mind with a sinus infection.

Kittycat! PANDA.

It took about 20 refreshes, but this one is clearly the epitome of all my tweetings.

So Very Obsessed With This Today

Who Blank the Dogs Out?

Funtimes in Atlanta!

During some downtime in Ye Olde Shriners’ Temple, we somehow started talking about “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Oh! Because we were talking about crosswords for stupid people, like ones in People. (Crosswords for stupid People). And once there was a clue that went “Who ___ the Dogs Out.”

So we wanted to come up with all the other possible 3-letter words that fit in there. Who blank the dogs out?

*Who set the dogs out?
* Who put the dogs out?
* Who sat the dogs out?
* Who got the dogs out?
* Who had the dogs out?
* Who met the dogs out?
* Who bid the dogs out?
* Who fed the dogs out?
* Who kit the dogs out?
* Who pet the dogs out?
* Who ran the dogs out?
* Who saw the dogs out?
* Who won the dogs out?
and my own personal favorite:
* Who ate the dogs out?

My Parents Were Awesome

Oh, hello! I wrote an essay about my mom and dad for Eliot Glazer's new book "My Parents Were Awesome." You should buy a copy! My essay is on page 78! And all my friends' essays are so good! I haven't finished the entire book yet because I get verklempt when I read it, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY endorse the idea that you should buy this book for your mom for mother's day or for your dad for father's day or just in general, because, you know, love your parents!