May the Schwartz Be With You

After Spaceballs came out, my mom made “May the Schwartz Be With You” t-shirts for my entire family. We all wore them together whenever we went out and about — to the 4th of july parade, to family gatherings, and apparently we brought them to Florida and wore them to Busch Gardens together.

Jews 'n' Food 'n' Moms 'n' The Middlesteins

You ought to come to this:

June 6th. Housing Works. 7pm.

Bex and Peter and also The Wolf

Just what you always wanted to watch! This is me narrating Peter and the Wolf with the Atlantic Pops. Enjoy!

FLIPPY!

The first Do Something Awards host promo started airing on the teevee last night! Written/directed by me.

The guys from "The New Girl" (Jake Johnson, Lamorne Morris and Max Greenfield) are getting ready to host the Do Something! Awards by making a difference - but it's not a competition, right? [NO GOLDFISH were harmed in the making of this promo!]

Watch the guys host the show Tuesday, August 21, 2012 at 9/8c on VH1 with performances by Flo Rida and .fun!

Vote now for your favorite celebrities: http://www.DoSomething.vh1.com
Follow @VH1 and @dosomething on Twitter and use hashtag #DSAwards
Learn more about DoSomething.org: http://www.dosomething.org

I'm lapping it up!

I made you this gif! For when you need Apolo Ohno to describe his oral sex technique. In handy-dandy gif form.

CELINE DION FOREVERS!

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Hello! Here I am, repping for Celine Dion in VH1’s Greatest Artists of the 90s brackets! A vote for Celine Dion is sort of a vote for me, but mostly for Celine Dion! VOTE! DO IT.

5 Questions With Meeee

I answered 5 questions for GLOC* if you are really bored!

*Gorgeous Ladies of Comedy

One of my most favorite Pop Up Chapel couples, John and Jay, make it big in Businessweek. So thrilled for them!

you guys, I did it! SO PROUD.

Single Ladies season 2!

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Look what I made. (It premieres tonight on-air but right now it’s exclusively on the Insider.com)
Single Ladies season 2! Premieres Monday, May 28 at 9/8c! only on VH1!
Track = “So Good” by B.o.B.

Call Me, Maybe

   

via Lindsey Weber:

A bunch of us are being serious plagued by the earworm parasite that is Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe.’ As soon as XTINE found out that Jepsen fans go by “JEPFRIENDS,” a nightmare was born and we started calling ourselves and everyone we knew Jepfriends*. We had to help our Jepfriends, and according to Bieber, the only cure for ‘Call Me Maybe’ is a finely edited group singalong.
*FEATURED JEPFRIENDS: interweber, drinkyourjuice, speriod, bobbyfinger, iamsosorry, folkinz, hoodratbusiness, kindafabulous, ramou, Bex, mattstopera, fjelstud & buster & lyla.

The Bear-Schwartz household makes a doctor's appointment

Me: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment for Panda Boo Bear's yearly check up. 

 

Vet's Office: Panda Boo Bear ... let's see ... is your last name Bear?

 

Me: No, my cat's last name is Bear. My last name is Schwartz. 

 

Vet's Office: Oh, there he is! Panda Boo Bear Schwartz. 

 

Me: No, when I adopted him I didn't make him take my last name.

 

Vet's Office: Well, that's how we list them. So, just so you know, he's in our records as Panda Boo Bear Schwartz. 

 

Me: I feel like we should hyphenate that? 

 

Vet's Office: I'm sorry? 

 

Me: Can we hyphenate that? Like he's Panda Boo Bear-Schwartz? 

 

Vet's Office: ... if you'd prefer. 

 

Me: Yes, thank you.

SO MUCH AWESOME ON SATURDAY!

Ladies of comedy! All day Saturday! What a wonderful way to spend your weekend! Come out and play-ay-ay!

TheGLOC.net and The People’s Improv Theatre invite you to join them for a day of performances, live music, drink specials and mingling with the gorgeous ladies of the New York comedy community.
Saturday, March 10th, 12-5:00pm
The PIT
123 E. 24th, NYC
FREE!
–
LOBBY
The PIT’s lobby will host a bevy of merchandise and craft tables with goods for sale. Coffee and pastries will be sold at the bar along with delicious boozy drink specials!
While you mix and mingle enjoy live acoustic sets from:
Shonali Bhowmik!
Jessica Delfino!
Camille Harris!
Reformed Whores! (Katy Frame & Marie Cecile Anderson)
DOWNSTAIRS
12-1pm
An OPEN MIC hosted by Darcy Burke
Come put your name in the hat and get 5-minutes of stage time!
1-2pm
An IMPROV SHOW hosted by Kate Hess FEATURING:
Taco Supreme! (Alexis Saarela, Brigid Boyle, Elizabeth Findlay & Ashley Ward)
NULIG! (Amey Goerlich, Kate Chamuris, Molly Lloyd, Leslie Meisel & surprise guests!)
Caitlin & Nicole! (Caitlin Bitigaio & Nicole Drespel)
OMG! (Ariel Karlin & Lorraine Cink)
Grandma’s Ashes! (Abra Tabak, Lydia Hensler & Morgan Jarrett)
2-3pm
An IMPROV JAM hosted by NULIG
Sign up & jam!
MAIN STAGE (UPSTAIRS)
An EPIC SHOW from 12-5pm with stand-up, characters, sketch, music & more!
12-1pm (hosted by Erin Lennox)
Livia Scott
Mary Grill
Leslie Goshko
Sabrina Jalees
Jacqueline Novak
Ashley Brooke Roberts
Brandy Barber
Emily Heller
Keisha Zollar
Laura Prangly
1-2pm (hosted by Kara Klenk)
Kara Klenk
Jodi Lennon
Katie Hartman
Beth McGregor
Becky Yamamoto
Sharon Spell
Marianne Schaberg
Katie Hannigan
Leah Bonnema
Raquel D’Apice
2-3pm (hosted by Leah Bonnema)
Katina Corrao
Amanda Duarte
Shonali Bhowmik
Darcy Burke
Caitlin Bitzegaio
Phoebe Robinson
Andrea Alton
Peggy O’Leary
Katey Healy-Wurzburg
Margaret Champagne
3-4pm (hosted by Mara Herron)
Mara Herron
Kate Hendricks
Kate Hess
Giulia Rozzi
Amy Albert
Kambri Crews
Kathy Salerno
Chrissie Mayr
Cocoon Central Dance Team
Abbi Crutchfield
4-5pm (hosted by Glennis McCarthy)
Jen Curran
Jess Wood
Kate Berlant
Annie Lederman
Erin Lennox
Calise Hawkins
Carmen Lynch
Bex Schwartz
Sara Schaefer

#g.l.o.c.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean

September, 1987.

My parents picked me up from Sarah’s sleepover birthday party and I was wearing my favorite outfit (yes, I believe that is a lilac button-up jumpsuit, and it was a hand-me-down from my dad’s boss’s daughter) and my awesome watch, and we drove to Six Flags for the first time to go see Weird Al and the Monkees. First concert ever! Also: BEST CONCERT EVER.

And then later that day, after the concert of excruciating perfection, my little brother and I met Alf.

* Um. A cardboard cut-out of Alf. But, still. Weird Al +The Monkees + ALF = the greatest day ever and nothing shall ever top it.

Lady Gaga won! I won! We all won!

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I won! Or rather, Lady Gaga won the Greatest Woman in Pop!
This is me with a 102 degree fever and very severe sinus infection and you can pretty much tell. But hooray for ladies with funny voices and funny noises! REPPIN' HARD!

Still reppin' for gaga!