The Room Smelled Like Cumming and Thoughts of Ass-Slapping Were Spoken Out Loud

So my roomie's been hanging out with this new posse, and after hearing so many stories about his kickawesome new friends, I simply had to meet them. And so, last night, we all repaired to Dallas BBQ for some Texas-sized margaritas (if you order an extra shot, they bring it to you in a test-tube. I built a pan flute out of the test-tubes! I played "When the Saints Go Marching In!)

One of the members of the new posse is my new best gay boyfriend. And we have the same birthday! Because our mutual half-birthday is tomorrow -- that's how we figured out that we were both born on 9/20. Anyhoo. My new best gay boyfriend has many fine examples of beauty product. He has also has several bottles of Cumming - The Fragrance.

You've heard of this already, right? Alan Cumming has a fragrance and body product line called
Cumming, The Fragrance. There's also a body lotion called Cumming All Over You.

So. Of course, we all spritzed ourselves with the scent of Cumming. It's like rubber and leather and dirt and mansweat. The official description is: "a sexy, fun and michievous fragrance with Top Notes of: Bergamot, Black Pepper, Scotch Pine, Whiskey. Core notes of: Cigar, heather, douglas fir, rubber. Base notes of: leather, highland mud, peat fire, & white truffle." Whatever's in it, it's somehow the most arousing scent in the world. Like, I sniffed someone's wrist after he had just sprayed Cumming all over it, and I just wanted to mount his hand then and there. It's un-BE-lievable. You get a whiff of Cumming and you just want to spank or be spanked (the sound of ass-slapping must be heard, is what i'm saying). You sniff Cumming and strongly desire some ass-slapping -- that's a more concise way to say it.

I dunno, man. Not to let the bat out of the bag or nuthin', but this Cumming thing is going to make this city a much more exciting place to live. I plan on investing in the fragrance, actually. Because whoever I'm doing it with simply must wear Cumming. I want to bathe in Cumming. I want to spend my life rubbing against people who smell like Cumming. Holy sweet jesus, it's like Muskrat Love. I'd like Cumming in my hair and Cumming on my body and Cumming sprayed all over my bed.

(by the way, I have yet to stop amusing myself with the whole Cumming innuendo thing. if the fragrance weren't so damn amazing, the joke would be annoying. but instead, it remains endlessly entertaining no matter how many times it gets repeated.)

I want Cumming all over me!