Thursday, March 03, 2005


Oh NO! It's a major mega crisis in the VH1 world! Denise Richards has filed for divorce from Charlie Sheen! And the Denise Richards segment in VH1 and Self's 100 Most Wanted Bodies mentions their happy marriage! OH NO! Quelle catastrophe! I have to go run off to an emergency v/o session to read new lines and rectify the situation.

I love traumas in my industry. They're oh-so-silly, and their silliness makes them awesome.

So, as the lowly voiceover artist, I have to wait until the producers rewrite the segment and book me some time in v/o booth. So, until I hear from them, I'm running around yelling "PANIC! PANIC! CRISIS! CRISIS!" and holding on to large piece of furniture to prevent myself from falling over in a crisis-induced swoon.

About four years ago, at my old job, the guy who brought mail to our floor was a hottie patottie named Kurt. During the holiday season, I was in our floor's mailroom flipping through my boss's copy of Variety, and Kurt came in with a package for someone named Stacey. He said, "Hey, where's Stacey? I have a package for her!" And I said, "Stacey's in Ohio, teching in our new show." And Kurt said, "What should I do with this package?" and he handed me the box. In big letters on the side of the box, it said, "PERISHABLE! Must be opened immediately!"

I said, "Kurt, what will we do? This is perishable and must be opened immediately, but Stacey is in Ohio and can't open it now! And if we open it, it's mail fraud! What ever shall we do?" And Kurt said, "There's only one thing for us to do: PANIC."

And so we panicked. We ran in circles around the office, screaming and yelling and tearing at our hair until we exhausted ourselves and collapsed, spent, in front of the Tommy pinball machine.

It was a luscious day.

I am panicking in re: Denise and Charlie to a lesser degree, but on the inside I'm running around in circles. It's less fun without Kurt.

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