Monday, October 25, 2004

Q: How Do You Make A Hormone? A: Don't pay her.

Someone asked me today why women are so crazy and I replied, "Hormones." And then I realized: this boy doesn't menstruate! And he's more that likely rocking a natural endocrinological cycle, as opposed to the millions of us ladies taking the Pill!

And so, although I am currently enjoying the very few days of 'happy time" that my chemically determined 28-day-cycle affords, let me set you boys straight:

WE CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT.

Okay?

I don't know about the ladies with the natural cycles but I assume it's similar. However, as a precaution, I speak only on behalf of the pill-poppers:

There are these two or three pills that are like crazy Alice-in-Wonderland pills. They're like welcome-to-the-matrix pills. Most of the little pills sit in their little calendaric capsules and they're innocuous. But there are two or three zingers, like button-button-who's-got-the-button, those zingers -- much like Blondie, they'll getcha getcha getcha getcha.

When we take the ones that Mama gives us that don't do anything at all, life is more or less normal. But when we take the zingers? It's like we're living on a different astral plane, one on which things are to be taken very. very. seriously. In this universe, we must re-assess everything that passes through our frame of reference. Things are different, skewed. Nothing is as it seems and we can't do anything about it because even though somewhere in our minds we know that we are over-reacting, that small voice of logic is drowned out by the thunderous clamor of a million voices screaming out insanity. And the worst part about it is that all this crap is triggered by taking these stupid pills that cause little nano-squirrels to make our ovaries function on a very tight schedule. And in order to enforce this strict functioning-female vagenda, our wombs slough off their linings that then pour out of our vaginas.

I realize I could simplify this entire explanation with just one line:
There is blood oozing from our vaginas; please imagine how you would feel were you and your penis to be in a situation such as this.

4 comments:

wegglywoo said...

i made a boy's penis bleed once. he felt really shaken up about it, too.

his foreskin was too tight, apparently, and when he went in the first time (he was a virgin), it sort of got a bit torn. he thought i had a razor blade inside of me or something... well, he became a little irrational. he also nearly passed out on me, as you can imagine. i tried to get him to go to the hospital, but he didn't want to ride his bike in that condition.

it healed ok, eventually, and i think he was better off with it the way it ended up.

but, yeah. blood and your genitals is always a worrying mix. even when it's meant to happen.

cpl said...

You know, I've never heard it put quite that way. I must admit that "bleeding from the genitals" is a very good way to make us boys understand what you girls have to go through every month... Scary stuff.

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