Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Attempting to live-blog Katie Couric's teen sex special

No Doykie – Katie Couric on Teen Sex

10:06pm.
Katie:“Oral sex is the new third base? YIKES!”
When was it NOT third base? Hasn’t it always been first base = French kissing, 2nd base = bosom feeling (sloppy 2nd = mouth on bosom) 3rd base is something involving genitalia (oral or manual) and a homerun is scoring? If a homerun has always been a homerun, did Katie grow in bizarre land when 3rd base was hand-holding and then all of a sudden some dude stuck his penis in her bagima? Like, “Stick your finger in my ear, stick your finger in my belly button” (beat) “Wait, that’s not my belly button!” “Heh, that’s not my finger.”

10:09
Blonde chick “TV is all sex … even the commercials. It’s like less clothes is better on tv.” BLAME THE MOTHERFUCKING SPONSORS, YO.

10:10
Gay black dude disses rappers who call a girl a ho. You go, girl.

10:11
Katie: “When we come back, a discussion about those two dreaded words: ‘oral sex.’” Uh … Is there any teen out there who dreads those words? (Except for me, when I was a teen. Because I was an inexperienced prude).

Speaking of sponsors, we get: Juicy Juice (heh heh. My bagima is full of juicy juices). GE Healthcare, part of GE, parent company of NBC/Universal who release LOTS OF MOVIES about teen sex., “You gotta touch it” – Purel germ killer (also functions as a nicely warming lube) who’s slogan is: “You can touch … then Purel.” So give your boo a handjob, girlz, and then use Purel. Germ-free!

10:16
Katie reveals that a ground-breaking survey of 1000 teens proves that 1 in 8 teens have had oral sex and 13% have had intercourse. Whoa. You go, kidz.

Breaking news: teens have oral sex to avoid having intercourse. Because, clearly, grownups never do that. Especially not when they’re between waxes.

And, according to 15-year-old Sable, “oral sex is sex.” You hear that, Bubba? Actually, it’s all Clinton’s fault. “If the President can do it, we can do it.” AWESOME. “It made it easier to talk about it on tv which made it easier to talk about it music.” BLAME THE MUSICIANS! I always knew rock music was the devil’s music; it’s no longer about worshipping Satan and killing your parents, apparently it’s all about cunnilingus and fellatio.

“Promiscuous guys, labeled playas or man-hos, are not held as accountable for their behavior.” KATIE COURIC JUST SAID “MAN-HOS” ON TV!

Tomorrow – hell freezes over.

Did you know that teens engage in relationships called "friends with benefits" ??? Damn, those kids move fast. I never even fathomed that term until I heard Alanis sing "You're my best friend -- best friend with benefits." And, as far as I've observed, going from best friends to friends-with-benefits is nothing but bad news. Fuck you, Alanis. Or, as I like to call her: "Lannie." Fuck you, Lannie.

Ack. Too tired to keep watching. Must. Go. Sleepy bye-bye.

10:25pm. Seacrest, out!


UPDATE: Milo writes to say: Huh. I blogged about a fairly disturbing Web site this afternoon that presents oral sex as strictly between a man and woman, and that fellatio ends with the woman coughing the semen onto a pillow. Also, rimming is now considering oral sex and biting is the number-one danger to men during fellatio. Your Lannie went down on Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier in a theater and later wrote a song referencing it. Coincidence? I think not.


Totally not a coincidence. Personally: I've never felt this healthy before. (heh).


2 comments:

Milo George said...

Huh. I blogged about a fairly disturbing Web site this afternoon that presents oral sex as strictly between a man and woman, and that fellatio ends with the woman coughing the semen onto a pillow. Also, rimming is now considering oral sex and biting is the number-one danger to men during fellatio. Your Lannie went down on Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier in a theater and later wrote a song referencing it. Coincidence? I think not.

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