Saturday, September 30, 2006

Orson, No! Leo, No!

So I don't watch the Desperate Housewivvle, but I just saw a little clip that made my inner Twin Peaks consciousness spring to alertness.

Behold!
On the DH, Kyle Maclachlan plays this guy Orson, and there's a scene where this parrot goes "Orson, No!"

Back when Kyle Maclachlan played Agent Cooper on Twin Peaks, there was this episode where he found a tape recording of Waldo, a parrot, going, "Leo, no!"

Get it? Parrots! Parrots who squawk "_____(Name of character)_____, no!" On two different shows, both of which star Kyle Maclachlan! Pop culture reference kabam!

Okay, this now concludes the COMPLETE UBERDORKINGOUTness of this post.

In kickawesomeness, I went to the Long Winters' show at the Bowery B-room and it was amazing. I'm so proud of them: headlining the bowery ballroom to a packed house! With so many fans! Look who's a big deal rock band now! HUZZAH! And they're so fucking tight these days. Solid, as they say, as a rock. I was supremely impressed. Plus, we got a little shout-out during "Fire Island, AK" and it was total rockness.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

RIP The Top Model Theme Song

I don't like the new song, not one bit. I like to stand up and dance whilst singing along, and I don't care for this new theme song, not one tiny iota, no sirree bob.

Goodbye, Megan. This sounds crass, but too bad your dead mother wasn't around to save you this time.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Apostrophe to the Fall TV Line-up, Part Deux (And also, because I long for structure and rigidity, in Haiku form)

Heroes
I want to like this.
But the writing! So turgid!
Gag me with a spoon!

Bwa-ha! You can't fly!
Good thing your brother can, though.
Tricksy tricksy, bub!

We're all connected?
Isn't that called "Six Degrees?"
It's on ABC!

Oh, poor cheerleader.
You Wolverine-esque-ly heal.
Gee: sucks to be you.

Oh no! He OD'ed!
A tortured, psychic artist!
Heroin? Who knew?

Nip/Tuck
Why'd Sean say "My bad"
Christian should apologize
For missing the birth.

Everyone we see
Wants to fuck with someone else
Why are they so mean?

Watch out! Your kidneys!
I thought that was just a myth.
No more sex for you!

Don't sleep with Michelle.
For once, just be a good guy.
Stupid, bad Christian.

I've eaten hash snacks.
I didn't hallucinate.
What's in those brownies?

Survivor: Race Wars

I wear tight clothing,
High heeled shoes. That doesn't mean
That I'm a prostitute.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Three Jews Are Sitting at A Dais ...

No, it's not the set up for a stupid joke, it's the intro to this photo from that Big Jewish Quiz Thing that I did a few weeks back.


I love how each one of us has different colored hair! It's like we're a cartoon rock band!

From left to right:
Me, Michael Showalter, and Tammy Faye Starlight. We are clearly quite pensive and thoughtful as we contemplate our next answer. And yet, alas, we lost. I blame it on buzzer malfuction.

(Photo by Vincent Goldberg)

We'll All Be Crispy Critters After World War III

Mark your calendars, chickadees! I'm doing a comedy show at the UCB theater called World War III!

It's Wednesday, October 11th at 9:30pm. Check out the deets:

World War III

Just in time for Ramadan and Yom Kippur comes World War III! Come and see jovial Jews and amusing Arabs bringing you the funny. It'll be a mix of Comic Strip Live, The Tonight Show, and the 1936 Intifada.

Hosted by Mo Fathelbab and Ilan Bachrach

And scheduled to appear:
Hot Sauce
Ronnie Khalil
Catie Lazuras
Helen Maalik
Nasry Malak
Dean Obeidallah
Bex Schwartz
The Wicked Wicked Hammerkatz
and Former President Jimmy Carter

Friday, September 22, 2006

Apostrophe to the Fall TV Line-up, That I Have Seen, Thus Far. Oh, In Haiku Form.

Jericho
Watched the first half.
Chick from Kindergarten Cop!
And deaf girl from Weeds!

Sucks about the bomb.
I get it. You once loved her.
Alas, now you're stuck.

Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip

Aaron Sorkin -- smart!
Wait, what was that reference?
Paddy Chayefsky?

So very meta!
TV show about TV!
Okay, I will watch.

No longer Chandler.
Or the guy from the West Wing.
I sure hope they kiss.

Grey's Anatomy
Why do they love her?
She's icky and so whiny!
And two guys want her?

McDreamy's in love?
Say what? But he's so married!
But hotter than vet.

Ha ha! She's Jewish!
They're sitting shiva; how rich!
Eating sandwiches!

America's Next Top Model
Everyone's so thin!
Super teeny tiny girls!
Except for Tyra.

Tyra, love your show!
But, please, girl: turn it down, eh?
You're frightening me.

Creepy twins! Look out!
Girls from "The Shining" grew up!
Now they're on "Model!"

The Office
Sad! Pam misses Jim!
And Jim clearly misses Pam!
Come back soon, Jim! Please!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

#24, Baby! 24!!!

Look! I made the list of "Top 40 Blogs by and for Comedians!"

Thanks, Mo, for doing research and math and other difficult tasks!

TWENTYFOUR, BABY, YEAH!

Separated at a Vaguely Ratty Birth

I know, I know, it's already established that Michelle is a twin. But what if her twin isn't really Amanda and her placenta-mate (not to be confused with Placenta Helper) is actually Fiona Apple? They're so almost separated at birth!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Touching the Bear

Best. Story. Ever.

A man got dizzy on the beer and felt the urge to touch the bear.
He touched the bear.
The panda bit his leg. And then the other leg.
And then the man bit the panda.
The skin felt quite thick.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I feel a strong compulsion to clamp my own jaws down on a panda's back and to take its thick skin into my teeth. A lovebite, though. Not a meanbite.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Birfday Birfday!

Oh, my little chickadees! I have so much to tell you about my trip to Miami! But I am oh-so-exhausted, so instead I'll tell you this: my birfday is 9/20 and I couldn't be happier that there are two hours of Top Model with which to celebrate.

And: My boo bought me a laptop! I've switched platforms and HI, I'm a MAC!

And look, my 'puter has a little built in cammyjabber. Look, I'm in my living room!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

More Kitties!

This one too!



For me, it's all about the way the chameleon boogies.

Memories

Look what Joel posted on Youtube!



Back from the nascent days of my VH1 careerjob!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Miami Vice

I'm in Miami. To shoot Hulk Hogan and Danny Bonaduce (with a camera, duh). Jealous?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Big Jewish Quiz Thing - Tomorrow Night!

Yo People! I'm doing this show tomorrow. It's full of Jews!
Jews, Jews, Jews!
And who doesn't like Jews?

Mel Gibson.

But seriously, folks, it's a show called "The Big Jewish Quiz Thing" and it's at 8pm on Wednesday at the 14th Street Y. (I can almost guarantee you'll be home in time for ProdgeRun). Check it! All these awesome Jews! Being funny! And smart! Woo!

The Big Jewish Quiz Thing

Wed Sep 13 2006 8:00 pm

The Big Quiz Thing, NYC's live-trivia spectacular, pits Jewish bigwigs against each other in a game-show smackdown of all things Hebraic.
STARRING:
Joanna Angel (alt-porn star, Burningangel.com),
Adam Feldman (Time Out New York),
Jesse Oxfeld (Still coasting on Gawker),
Bex Schwartz (VH1),
Michael Showalter (Stella, Wet Hot American Summer)
and Tammy Faye Starlight (Evangelical Country Singer)
test their Talmudic talent for prizes and glory. Part of Jewbilation! Downtown Entertainment of the Hebrew Persuasion. Advance tickets are available by calling the` 212-780-0800, ext.221. For more information visit, www.14StreetY.org or email Alyssa_Abrahamson@14StreetY.org.

Contact Information: www.oyhoo.com, (212) 608-0555

Brought to you by: NY Jewish Music and Heritage Festival
14th Street Y
344 East 14th Street
at 1st Avenue
New York, NY 10003


Cost: $10

I hope to see you there!
Love and kisses,
bex

Monday, September 11, 2006

You Look Like a Fairy Princess that Resides Over the Pits of Hill

Thus spake New York to Buckwild on last night's epi of Flavor of Love.

(I could explain it, or you could read D-listed's recap instead. Trust me, it'll save both of us time.

Anyway, long story short, Buckwild came downstairs in her pretty-pretty dress and New York looked her up and down and intoned, "(fakey nice)You look like a fairy princes ... (mean 'n' nasty) that resides over the pits of hell."

Look, I illustrated it for you:

So, I think "Over the pits of hell" is my new favorite add-on. The way New York uses it, it's like "over the pits of hell" is the new "NOT!"

Let's try it out.

"Oh, Melvin, sure I'll go out with you ... over the pits of hell!"
"President Bush is doing a great job ... over the pits of hell!"
"The fall TV lineup sure looks chock full of some stellar sure-to-be hits ... over the pits of hell!"

Spread the meme, tigers, spread the meme.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Mutton, Honey


JOSH: python eating a sheep!
BEX: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
JOSH: whatcha eatin?
JOSH: mutton, honey.
BEX: my eyes!
BEX: that sheep in its mouth! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
JOSH: you mean baaaaaaaaaaa
BEX: baa ram ewe
JOSH: what if they become one evil snakesheep?
JOSH: slither slither BLEAT
JOSH: four legs good, no legs better!
BEX: what if the sheep becomes the python's moral conscience?
JOSH: what if the sheep gives birth? then there'll be TWO sheep in there
JOSH: and one will spend her entire life in the belly of a python
BEX: what if the sheep and it's baby live their whole lives in the python?
BEX: isn't that, like, a metaphor for "the panic room" ?
JOSH: a pregnant sheep being eaten by a python is an analogy for the fuck truck
BEX: what if the sheep gave birth to a baby boo ewe
BEX: that's funny
JOSH: somehow this picture has tainted my memory of the Little Prince
BEX: i meant a baby girl ewe and called it a baby boo ewe
JOSH: i wondered what a boo ewe was
BEX: anyway - what if the sheep has a baby girl?
BEX: and then years later, the python gives a ram a blowjob?
BEX: and that sperm impregnates the girl lamb
BEX: and then THAT sheep gets pregnant
JOSH: oh man, and the girl lam has a ram, and then the snake has HORNS
JOSH: BAD-ASS!
BEX: but the horns would be coming out of the python's tushy
JOSH: ASS-HORNS!
JOSH: that would be melochineezer, the horned-ass beast foretold in the book of revelations
JOSH: you must prevent this giant python from blowing a ram
BEX: i guess that's up to the authorities
BEX: but if the first pregnant sheep has a boy lamb, we'd still be set
JOSH: the python will still have horns, though
BEX: exactly. we could skip the step of asking the python to blow ram
JOSH: besides, a python's hinged jaws can open wide enough to swallow a pregnant sheep; even assuming a giant ram penis, it's going to look disproportionately small in there
BEX: i have to go lie down - my head is blowing up
BEX: not because of the ram
JOSH: ok, good
BEX: the ram penis in my jaws
JOSH: that can't be good for your tmj

From Whence To Rid Thyself of Dingleberries

So Beyonce's big whatever album just dropped, and there's this poster for it hanging across the street from my office.

And whenever I see this:


All I can think is this:


Go Beyonce! It's your bidet! Go Beyonce! We're gonna party like it's your bidet!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Good Night, And Good Luck

My friend Aaron brings up the most important aspect of the Katie Couric newscast, a detail I originally omitted because I was doing something REALLY IMPORTANT (read: I was on the way to my Tuesday night abs class).

So dumb ol' Katie can't even decide on her own catchphrase. She announced:
"All summer long, people have been asking me, How will you sign off at the end of your broadcast? I've racked my brain and so far, nothing has felt right ... If you have a bright idea for a great sign-off, log on to our website at CBSNews.com and tell me. I know we'll have a lot of fun reading them, and who knows, maybe one will actually stick."

You can tell CBS your grand idea right here.

In the meantime, I'm hoping that perhaps Katie might find one of these suggestions to be sticky enough for her daily use:
* Try these on for size, Connie Chung!
* Suck it, Matt Lauer!
* America, it's time to go pick up a sixer.
* Keep your nose clean, kids.
* Yours sincerely, wasting away
* Some Pig.
* TTYL!
* TTFN!
* Toodles!
* (silently flexes calf muscles of steel)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Vaguely Liveblogging Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News

Oh, Katie. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE? Suddenly, you're robo-Katie. Like the Chenbot, but vis-a-vis appearance versus visage. Why doesn't your face move? Did you have an upper eye lift? Why do your eyes look so very scary?

And white? AFTER LABOR DAY? Oh, Katie, no! And, please, when I think "Hard News" I think neither of a white blazer nor of 4-inch heels. I think a somber blazer and perhaps some flats.

Plus, your Titanic-inspired theme song makes me want to do a jig (with the poor people in steerage, where all the fun is) rather than listen to news.

Also, I can't believe -- I simply, simply CANNOT BELIEVE -- that you just said, "As many of you remember, next Monday marks the 5 year anniversary of September 11th."

As MANY of you remember? Who doesn't remember? My two-year-old second cousin? Then why is he watching Katie Couric?

Surely, he is also offended by the white-after-Labor-Day thing. Way to go, Couric. Way to go.

And the Whole World Starts to Make Less Sense

SO, huzzah, Angela is gone from ProjRun (I just saw it spelled somewhere as ProdgeRun and I do so like that very much, I think I shall henceforth adopt it) and I couldn't be happier, namely because Angela reminds me of an ex-boss of whom I was not so fond.

So, dig:
in this interview with Blogging Project Runway, Angela reveals that up next she's working for Catherine Malandrino for Catherine's runway show during fashion week.

Wait. THE Catherine Malandrino? The one who auf'ed Angela because she looked like she was "coming from another world?" She auf'ed her then hired her?

PEOPLE, WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Vaguely Liveblogging Rosie's First Day on "The View"

Oh boy, Rosie's back! I must admit, I love her blog so muchity. But, I must say, she is DOMINATING this little panel with Jessica Simpson and I'm extrapolating that she's been yapping for the whole show and I bet those other ladies are going to be pissed to the off because Rosie is
A) funny
B) totally famous
C) multitalented
D) a lesbian.

But I say, GO, ROSIE, GO! Keep on yapping.

If I weren't a dork, I would have kept these feelings to myself, but:
WHAT A DAY FOR THE T-VISION! ROSIE STARTS ON "THE VIEW" AND KATIE COURIC STARTS TO "DELIVER NEWS."

Monday, September 04, 2006

Not That It's Not Tragic

Look, totally, I mean, the man's an instant legend - STEVE IRWIN, legendary fearless animal expert, advocate, explorer, and occasional wrestler (didn't he wrestle a crocodile once? I could be wrong, and I'm too tired to google it) -- DONE IN by a barbed member of the animal kingdom - the very kingdom Steve Irwin lived to exalt and praise and occastionally poke with sticks! THE TRAGEDY!


And now he is elevated, instantly, to Paul Bunyan status - like Paul with his ax and his blue ox named Babe, so Steve Irwin instantly rises into that great star-studded sky of heroic constellations - look, just past Johnny Appleseed and his appleseed sack, can't you just make out the outline of Steve Irwin with his hands in a crocodile's jaws? Okay, maybe just hugging a crocodile?

OF COURSE YOU CAN, the man's a fucking mythic hero. See? Regardez - the illustrious Crocodile Hunter, glowing up there in the night sky, somewhere near the other hunters like Orion



Anyway. That being said, I did find it odd that his death was treated with the same weight as the war against terror. Thank goodness for the news organizations.

Friday, September 01, 2006