RIP O'Rourke's Diner

The beloved-of-every-Wesleyan-grad icon O'Rourke's diner burnt down this morning.

Many of my friends were regular O'Rourke's-goers. They used so much butter that my tummy often hurt, but I certainly had my fair share of delicious breakfasts there. The last time I went was during my 5-year reunion. And before that, I went the morning of my college graduation. Because it was 4am and I was still awake (of course) so my friends Justin and Rob were like, "Nothin' left to go but go to O'Rourke's."

So we ate eggs and then I graduated from college.

Note: after I ate eggs, Clint Eastwood ate eggs there the same day. Because he spoke at my graduation. Jealous, punk?

There's a Dar Williams (Wes '89!) song called When Sal's Burned Down which is about a bar near Wesleyan that once burned down (I think, it's been a long time since I heard her talk about it), and right now it's all I can think about. So sad!

"Are we the fools for being surprised that a silence could end with no sound?
Like the silent movie era, like with snow, like when Sal's burned down."

Crotch? Meet Insane.

There's really only one thing I can say about Jeffrey's outfit on ProjRun last night.


Do you see that skull codpiece thing he put on his crotch? The weird frontal thong that looks like it's bisecting his bawls?

I think we can let Michael Kors speak for all of us.

I mean the crotch on those pants is insane!

Wordlustitude

This, my friends, is one fantastic blog called Wordlustitude.

From the site:

"This blog is a growing dictionary of ephemeral words--also known as nonce or stunt words. All readers are strongly encouraged to use these terms in their blogs, poems, prophesies, and recipes."

With entries like "performance artist-y," "masterplanesque," and (my own!) "smurfitudinous" , this is definitely my new favorite site. Rightupmyalleyariffic!

Toxic Pop at the Pioneer Theater: September 10, 2006

Hey, You Guys!
I'm hosting this event - it's called Toxic Pop at the Pioneer Theater and it's September 10th.

Official blurb:

On Sunday evening, September 10th, 2001 Toxic Pop will be proud to present:

The Best of the 2006 Video Podcast - documenting the best of NYC's contemporary downtown performance/art scene. Burlesque, Performance Art, Alternative Comedy, Underground Rock, Art Star Films, and archival footage from the early 90's through the present come together in a 70-minute snapshot of the NYC performance underground.

Hosted by VH1's Bex Schwartz & Dax Constantine
Produced by Tom Tenney

Featured artists include:
Reverend Jen
The New York Howl
The O'Debra Twins
BadAss Burlesque
Faceboy
The Purple Organ
Kathleen Fitzgerald
David Lowe
The World Famous Bob
Surf Burlesque
Jonny McGovern
Mad Happy
Jessica Delfino
Rob Paravonian
The Dance Liberation Front
Michele Carlo
Grindhouse-A-Go-Go!
Surf Reality
and many others!

Buy your tickets here!
Find out all about Toxicpop (and subcribe to the podcast, yo) right here

OMFG! There's a CYLON At This Party

(If you don't watch Balactica, just give up now because this won't mean anything).
(Oh, and if you don't watch Balactica you have, like, a MONTH to catch the frack up so you can start watching season three on October 6th).

So a friend of mine was at a party tonight and he texted me to tell me that "Sharon the cylon was at the party."

I mean, OMFG. What if you were at a party, and maybe you were tipsy, and then a CYLON walked in? I mean, even if she looked all pretty and unassuming like this:


But she'd still be a Cylon! At the same party at which you were!

Like, OMFG, there's a Cylon having a Ketel One martini!

RUN FOR THE HILLS! THERE'S A CYLON BRINGING SEXYBACK ON THE DANCE FLOOR!


I mean, what would you do? Depending on my state of sobriety (and, ahem ahem, during the aforementioned colon cleanse, I have been quite sober as of late. How I long for both an iced coffee with soy milk and also a glass of rose. Okay, okay. Not rose. I'll admit it: white zin. Oh fuck, let's just call it for what it is: blush. How I lwould love an iced soy coffee and some blush. Perhaps even together. Iced soy blush coffee. Yummers) I might have different reactions. My gut would be to hide under a banquette until I could notify the proper authorities. If the Cylon got all mean and shit, I might try to subdue it. But, probably, I would turn very pale and start trembling and I would slowly try to sneak out of the party before the Cylon spotted me.

But, if I were tipsy? I'd probably want to befriend the Cylon. And then invite it over to my house to watch ProjRun.

Seriously. I need a celebrity guest to come this week. Keep the streak alive.

Bre! In Ruben Studdard's new video!

From today's Video Static comes the news that Next Top Model Cycle 5's third next top model, Bre, will be in Ruben Studdard's new video.


Ruben = boo!
Bre = chance to redeem herself after that whole crizazy red bull / granola bar thang.

"Shots Ring Out" Reviews My Video

... and I think they grok it right nicely. Thanks, video reviewers!

Ssssss Sssss Sssss. Apparently, I am a Snake

A kind person wrote in to tell me that if one searches for "Bex Schwartz" using Google Images, one of the photos that comes up appears to be that of a child wearing a rattlesnake costume.

Good times, man. Good times.



(That is not me).

One Not So Original Thing

So I was inadvertently watching the precursor to the US Open (tennis ... snooooze) and this chickybaby named Cheyenne Kimball, who's one of those-made-for-tv prefab pop singers (yes, she has her own show on the MTV) took the stage to perform "her" single, "One Original Thing." (right click, save-as).

Yo! And the lyrics are all about looking around and trying to find "one original thing" and how she doesn't want to be a wannabe who just imitates.

Well, Cheyenne, dear, as much as I admire the sentiment, perhaps you'd like to try performing one original thing.

Because I hate to break it you, but your song is clearly Iggy Pop's "The Passenger." (right click, save as).

Oh, Cheyenne. Alls I can say is: sheeeeeeesh.

So Is Life

Oh boy! I found Harry Belafonte and the Muppets doing "Turn the World Around" on the youtube!

So, at least in my mindhead, I quote this song all time. I only sometimes quote it out loud, but please rest assured that if you (collective you) and I (me) ever have a conversation about race, class, creed, gender, politics or religion, at some point I will be singing this song to myself (at least in my mindhead).

Because, really. "Do I know who you are? Do you know who I am? Do we care about each other? Because, together, we can turn the world around." Fuckin'-a right!

PREACH IT, BELAFONTE, BABY!



When my crazy-boss was still here, Crazy-boss asked us to make CDs with five songs that defined our lives. The soundtracks to our lives, as it were, and I've mostly blocked out that era of time (crazy-boss time) but I think we were supposed to choose the five songs that would tell the story of our lives (as opposed to the five songs we liked best). Or something. It's a little hazy.

And so, I chose:
1) Turn the World Around - Harry Belafonte and the Muppets
Because even though this song terrified me as a very young child (admit it, those talking masks are SCARY SCARY!), my little brother and I latched on to Harry Belafonte's message of awesome, and the joyousness of "see we one another clearly" definitely trumped the TERRIFYING ASPECT of singing African masks. I very distinctly recall the first time I saw the singing African masks on the Muppet Show, and I ran into the bathroom because I was crying, and my dad said I couldn't take a bubble bath and so I said, "Ok, but I won't ask mom if I can take a bubble bath" and then I ran upstairs and asked my mom if I could take a bubble bath! What a horrendous little child I was. I must have been really little, though, because if I remember correctly, the African-Mask-crying episode took place in the P.L.B (Pre Little Brother) era, so I was two-ish.


2. The Great Unknown - Dar Williams
I chose this song because it exemplified my high school years, during which I was highly obsessed with Dar Williams and the neofolk scene, but also because the lyrics make me almost insane because they match my own unhealthy fear/obsession with the nuclear bomb.

"I'm no ordinary princess, I was born in the cold war. And my team is the Rockets -- ("Go team!) -- it's a dangerous time. And I dream of the moon and building lunar clone colonies. And I build my peace with strength, that's the best weapon you've got. Oh, I am the brainchild, I am the mortar, With a plastic trophy and an eating disorder."

Indeed.

3. True Dreams of Wichita - Soul Coughing
When I was a frosh in college (Yo, I went to Wesleyan and we certainly didn't use the term freshman), my best friend Josh introduced us all to the wonders of Soul Coughing and we were crazy mad obsessed with this song (YOU HAD IT BUT YOU SOLD IT) and I've blogged about this before, but a certain someone (Who is not me, because I was straight-edge at the time) took some acid and listened to this song and apparently the song opened up like a door and the someone got to walk and around and crawl inside the song for a while. And also there were bright colors. And then there's the whole line about "You can stand on the arms of Williamsburg bridge and say, 'Hey, man. Well, this is Babylon' which floors me, to this day.

4. Make Your Own Kind of Music - Cass Elliot
Admittedly, I kinda chose this song because I made this CD right after that episode of "Lost" when Desmond was listening to this song in the hatch, but that episode itself made me realize I quite like this song. And after college I was pretty nutso, mostly stemming from a mushroom trip (I was no longer straight-edge) I went on, wherein I decided I was a prophet who was going to save the world from both hatred and also repression. And, in case it's not completely obvious, I was pretty out-of-control during that era. But I was, happily, making my own kind of music.

5. A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to Be Free - Elliott Smith.
To be sure, I was going to front that I chose this song because I truly do believe that living through Bush's 2nd term in office has absolutely required some sort of reality distortion to survive, but I also kind of meant that the era of the crazy-boss also necessitated some sort of reality distortion as well. A little snarky, that.

You Give Me Fever

The boo and I were chillaxing on his roof a few weeks ago listening to Peggy Lee sing "Fever" (no, alas, she wasn't on the roof with us, she was trapped inside of an ipod) and all I could think of was when Rita Moreno sang "Fever" and Animal went all orgasmic.

"Fire Island, AK" On Videostatic

Check out the Video Static love for my video!

The Long Winters
"Fire Island, AK" (Barsuk)
Bex Schwartz, director | Michael Flexner , producer | High Water Mark, production co | Jonathan Furmanski , DP | Laura Weinberg, editor | Description: Singer/songwriter/Alaskan/presumable serial killer John Roderick of The Long Winters is greeted at his remote cabin by law enforcement agents — played by cleverly disguised fellow Long Winterers. They drag the lake and collect other evidence in an attempt to piece together the connection between a presumably incriminating letter that Roderick had written and a mysterious woman.

And don't forget to watch the video! (in sparkly higher-rez than youtube).

Hey, This is Awesome!

Wowie zowie! Spin.com says"Hey, This is Awesome!" about my video for The Long Winters' "Fire Island, AK."

And if Spin thinks you're awesome, then you're definitely awesome. Hooray!

Watch me on Last Night's Scarborough Co.!

Yo, yo! If you're on a PC, you can watch me take on the year's commercials during last night's Scarborough Country. I sing a little bit of that Taylor Hicks ford spot.

Tonight, I'm A-Coming to Scarborough Country

Yo People!
I'll be on the ol' Scarborough Country tonight (8/23) to discuss the Best and worst commercials of the year. Please do watch.

For the Record

Look, people. I'm tired of hearing it.

No no no no no no. (Imagine Ben Kingsley in "Sexy Beast" saying that).

I love Kathy Najimy and I think she's terriff, but she and I do not look like each other.

So please stop with the comparisons, people.

Please.

Big Jewish Quiz Thing! September 13th!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Unless You're Really Clever

I can't stand it, I can't stand it, I just can't stand it anymore. At night, when I'm getting my local news fix (truly, the terrible/wonderfulness of local news is a harsh, harsh mistress) I see these commercials for Viagra, the ones where the manly man is watching a baseball game and his lady, who's clad in juicy couture by way of Value City, gives him this come hither glance and the voiceover intones, "They say in life there’s only room for one great passion ..." and the manly man is all, "Grunt, sex? Grunt, baseball?" and then the voiceover adds, "... Unless you’re really clever.”
And the manly picks up a VHS tape and smirks. Because he's clever enough to use a VHS tape and a fracking VCR to record the mofe'ing baseball (grunt) game.

Excusez-moi? He's really clever because he's going to use a VHS TAPE and a VCR to record his game? Is he somehow stuck in a magical time warp wherein he can't get out of 1999?

Kind sir! Let me call your attention to this:
Have you not met this quirky little sprite?

Or perhaps you're yet to become acquainted with the glory that is this:

DVR, man, DVR.

Because clever men just hit pause. Or maybe the record button. And clever ladies named Bex know that Project Runway and Top Model are safely recorded and they don't have to drop what they're doing on Wednesday nights just to watch yummy tv.

And whilst I'm at it: why, oh why, did they ever name something to raise one's willy "Viagra?" Because I hear "Viagra" and I think "Niagara," and Niagara, if anything, falls.

I Yelled "FIRE" When I Fell Into a Vat of Chocolate

From the NY1 homepage.

Jon Benet Ramsey's alleged (crazyperson) killer.
Man trapped waist deep in a vat of chocolate.

Oh, the world is too much with us.

"Why'd you yell "FIRE" when you fell into a vat of chocolate?"
"Because nobody would have saved me if I yelled "CHOCOLATE!"

Fire Island, AK. Ch-Ch-Ch-Check it Out

Ahem, ahem, cough cough. Did I mention that I directed a music video? I did. For The Long Winters' song "Fire Island, AK."

You should check out this site. And watch the video. See it again for the first time!

Scoliosis Model? Jigga What?

So I'm reading pretty pretty Alison Kelly's exit interview with EW wherein she claims that she didn't win the doggie-outfit challenge because her model for that challenge has scoliosis. And the paper-brioche outfit failed because her model was plus-sized.

"You didn't seem too happy with your model. Was she really that big? I mean, was she a size 4 instead of a size 2?
No, she's a lot bigger than me. She's absolutely gorgeous, but she shouldn't be a runway model. She's maybe a size 8 or a 10. She's not thin at all.

Why would the producers put in a model who's not runway-model size?
So people like me get eliminated. They threw in someone who had scoliosis whose shoulders are three inches different. Did you ever notice whoever's designing for Nazri often wins? There are three models who seem to win. It's because they have model bodies. I was cursed from the beginning. I had the model with scoliosis the first time — that's why I don't think I won the dog challenge. And this time, my model chose me. I was like, ''Oh no!''

So this model (on the left, with the "minnie mouse" bow) is plus-sized? She's "maybe a size 8 or a 10" and that's plus-size? Oh dear. Admittedly, I never saw her as "zaftig" before, but shows what I know.





But more intriguingly, this is Toni Heath, the model who rocked Alison's doggie-costume outfit. And she's saying this model has scoliosis with shoulders that "are three inches different?"

Honestly? Her shoulders look just fine to me. WHERE'S THE ALLEGED SCOLIOSIS NOW, HUH?


As you know, I adore the beautiful beautiful Alison, but maychance is she doth protesting too much?

Alison, I Can't Believe I'm Losing You

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, goodness gracious. I simply cannot believe that Kors 'n' Klum 'n' Krew dismissed my beloved Alison Kelly last night. Especially because Vincent's poor excuse for a garment resulted in his sending an ionic column of pseudo 'avant garde' junk-collecting CRIZZAP down the runway.

But, me oh my. As Rich FourFour has continuously pointed out, Alison is a beacon of cuteness and light, who mos-def wakes up to rainbows and waterfalls everyday. If anyone were going to ride a unicorn across a rainbow, it would be my beloved Alison Kelly.

Because I thought I loved Alison because she looked like Bridget Bardot, but now I realize I love her more than anything because she is the living incarnate of Rainbow Brite.

Alison - you're still designing clothes for me in my dreams. How I love you, always 'n' forever.

Anarchy in the Whole Foods

Actually, before I get to the anarchy (or rather, lack thereof) at the Whole Foods, I would like to say that I am watching the news and, of course, they keep throwing to various muckymucks at Scotland Yard to weigh in, and, I'm so so so sorry, but whenever I think of the Scotland Yard, all I can think is:

Yes. Scotland Yard, to me, is a veddy British mouse.

Anyway. So I went to Whole Foods today to stock up on various forms of soy protein (soy cajun chicken! soy kielbasa! but it's all for the texture, because I don't know what real cajun chicken or real kielbasa would taste like) and I filled my basket, as I'm wont to do, with butternutsquash soup and faux-basa and spinach and a papaya, and when I got to the check-out queue --

Oh, wait, I should explain. See, they totally maximized their space by keeping shoppers in long, amusement-park esque lines as they wait to file into the check-out holding chamber. It's very space effective, and you totally wait on line for ages, but it's worth it because there is mint soy chocolate soy cream waiting for you when you're all done with the spending. And besides, it feels like you're on line for Space Mountain. So usually there's a dude (or sometimes a lady) who tells the line-waiters which cashier is open, and they direct the traffic flow from the three queues into the check-out holding area. They say, "Register 3. You, register 9. And ... register 15" and you docily go wherever they tell you to.

But... now the check-out system talks! A robot announces which register to which you should go, and there's no longer a dude (or sometimes a lady) directing traffic! And I thought: "Surely this will be anarchic."

And then I chided myself for such pessimistic thoughts, but then the guys behind me said, "How is this going to work? Oh no!"

But when I got to the front of the line, people were listening to the check-out robot and trotting docily, in order, to their desiignated cashiers. No shoving, no attitude, no survival of the fittest. Baa baa baa.

I secretly had hoped it might turn us all into cro-magnons, bashing each over the heads with our frozen tofu pups and grunting and painting with our own feces. But, alas. Baa baa baa.

Because wouldn't that be matter vs. anti-matter? A violent riot in Whole Foods?

I mean, not that I would advocate such a thing. It was just entertaining while I was stuck on line and my soy mint soy chocolate soy cream was melting.

"The Death That Existed Inside Me"

Now many of you are saying, "Gee, Bex, you off-handedly mentioned you were in the midst of a 30 day colon cleanse. Why would you do such a thing? You have a been a vegetarian for so long -- surely, your colon is in good shape."

And, while 'tis true that I live a near vegan lifestyle and I'm a crunchy-granola person when it comes to food, I stumbled across this website whereby I discovered the death that exists inside me. (WARNING: Not for the faint of heart).

Now, I'm only on day 7 of my 30-day quest, and, for the record, I am experiencing nothing at all like what that photo gallery promises. But it sure is innaresting, innit? And by "interesting," I mean "vomitacious."

Just to Ease Your Mind While The Terror Alert Level is Red

Concept and Execution: Noahsam.

Defending Everclear's "Hater" video

So I was a visitor to Scarborough Country tonight, getting all jiggy with Everclear's new video for "Hater." I'm all: down with religious hypocrisy! Go provocative art! And this other lady's all: indignant Christian! Yell Yell Yell Yell!

Watch us throw down right here. (i think it's only PC-friendly)

World premiere: The Long Winters' "Fire Island, AK"

Hey everyone! Stereogum is premiering my (our) video for The Long Winters' new hit single "Fire Island, AK." I'm super duper proud of it -- my first music video! Oh boy: Mama, I'm a music video director!

For my favoritest band!

Watch it! Love it! Buy the album! Share the love! Shower me with love and affection!

Watch it hi-rez and not pixely here
Quicktime
Windows Media Player

Or you can watch it right here:


Special hearty thanks to the wondercrew who made this video possible:
Producer Extraordinaire: Michael Flexner:
DP who hits the "Cool Button" : Jonathan Furmanski
Hyped on Adrenaline and Friendship Editor: Laura Weinberg
Superdeeduper Special Smoke help: Bob Gleason

Special guest star: Snejina!

And a special special special special thanks to John Tyson who not only AD'ed the shizz out of this thing, but generously lent the production both his cabin and his car and continuously calmed the director (namely: me) down from quite the hysterical nervous breakdown. Numerous times. Without raising his voice. Amazing. Oh, and also he's the best boyf in the history of the multiverse.

The Wrong Fag to Fuck With: The Gay Pimp vs. Eminem

I used to be in this show called Grindhouse a Go Go with my friends Tom Toxic and Jonny Mcgovern and Faceboy and Shauna Lane and Bruce Smolanoff and Emilie and lots of other super awersome artstars. We used to do dirty gay musicals. Ages and ages ago, we did a show called "Wrong Fag to Fuck With. I played Courtney Love. Check out this blast from the past promo for the show right here:

Guess Who's NOT Coming to Scarborough Country?

Drat. There's too many actual news stories so they cancelled my appearance on tonight's Scarborough Country. Stay tuned til next time, soldiers.

Guess Who's Coming to Scarborough Country?

C'est moi. I'll be on tonight's show on MSNBC -- tonight "meaning Friday, 8/4," not tonight meaning "whenever you read this" -- and my segment will be on around 9:40. It's live, as always, so watch as I struggle not to drop any f-bombs.

We will be discussing this week's pop culture haps.

We will not, theoretically, be discussing the heat. But one never knows.

In other news (news? Get it? I'll be on MSNBC and now I'm using "news" as a transition! BWA HA!) - so a bunch of us --- (and by "us" I mean other people besides me, not like the royal "us" meaning me and the voices in my head) (for the record, I only had voices in my head once and it was during my senior year of college when I was writing my thesis and doing lots of research about the atomic bomb and I had a very high fever along with a very bad flu, and I dehydrated, and in my delerium there were two people named Hipporobundia and Madagascar who told me not to seek help because I was clearly suffering from radiation sickness. And i believed them) -- are all doing this colon cleanse. Any of you ever try this shit (pardon the pun)? It's day one and my tummy feels like I swallowed a bowling ball. Or, perhaps, I have a headache in my tummy. But we have 29 days to go. DEATH TO ALL PARASITES! DEATH TO ALL PARASITES! DEATH TO ALL PARASITES.

Woo, hey:
DEATH TO THE DEMONESS ALLEGRA GELLER!

Every Generation Has A Defining Moment - This Was Ours

So I keep seeing the trailer for "World Trade Center." First of all: Oliver Stone shot bits in my hometown! Secondly, I think "World Trade Center" is a horrible name for this movie. Because I used to love this book called "The Little House" which was about, er, a little house. I used to read this book at my grandparents' house and I loved it. Ahem: "Once upon a time there was a Little House way out in the country. She was a pretty Little House and she was strong and well built." Oh yes. And the pretty Little House watches as the land around her shifts from a lovely country side into a bustling city, and she's neglected and she falls apart, and then (SPOILER ALERT) a nice lady rescues her and lugs The Little House back out to the countryside and The Little House is happy again. The book's totally from the POV of The Little House. So, in my head, "World Trade Center" must be from the POV of The World Trade Center.

In my head, of course, the World Trade Center's POV sounds a lot like that Will Forte character on SNL who says, "OH NO!"

Anyway. I'm just glad there aren't any Happy Meal tie-ins.

ANYWAY. So the trailer features this dramatic v/o that says "every generation has a defining moment - this was ours."

And, quite frankly, I can think of many more defining moments, thank you very much.
* The Nirvana unplugged
* That episode of 90210 where Brenda worked at the Peach Pit in character as Laverne
* ALF
* "Look Who's Talking"
* When Nancy Kerrigan got her knees bashed by Jeff Gilooly
* "The Goonies"
* The Dancing Itos
* Bea Arthur and Urkel doing "The Urkel"
* You Can't Do That On Television
* The OJ Simpson trial verdict
* Milli Vanilli
* The holiday-themed Fruity Pebbles commercial
* Gerardo
and finally:
* Polly-o String Cheese

And Curse Sir Walter Raleigh, He Was Such A Stupid Git

I'm so very tired. Because I was up late. Because Chloe Sevigny came over to my house and we all watched Project Runway together.


Note: This is a true story.

BOGO!

Courtesy of JFrench. As inspired by this article in Salon.

Plan B Vs. The Morning After Pill

So "Plan B" is back in the news.

Which is a good thing: they should legalize that shit like no one's business.

I'm just glad someone with a branding background stepped in. Consider the following reactions:

"Oh no! I fucked up last night! I am so very, very ashamed! And so mortified! And so terrified for my future! I must now go do the walk of shame and beg the pharmacist for the morning-after pill. Because it's the morning-after, and I am miserable."

versus

"Oh dear! I did something wrong. Good thing I have another option. Yup, there's always Plan B. What a beautiful morning. I shall skip to the drugstore and blissfully ask for a whole new choice: Plan B."

Ah, yes, the magic of branding. Loves it, loves it, loves it! Don't be ashamed by your morning-after needs -- instead, embrace that there's always another choice! Or at least, there should be another choice, as long as the US stays out of my dang uterus.