Monday, January 09, 2006

King Schlong and The Island of HORRID STUPIDITY

Ah, movies.

I'm a day late and a dollar short on this one but "The Island" directed by Michael "Me Know How Blow Things Up Real Good" Bay can fuck me. Yuuuuuuuuch. First of all, you'd NEVER have to remove the clones from their vegetative state. (Duh. Heinlein got that one right ages before some hack screenwriter decided it would real dramatical-like if the clones were conscious.) And second of all - why would you have them wear white? It's so hard to keep clean, especially with all that bacon they love eating. Dress 'em in rainbow colors and give them shiny shiny blocks with which to play -if they're 3 year olds, let 'em be three year olds and give them appa juice and aminal crackers and nappytimes. And, geez louise, the 2nd half of that movie is entirely unwatchable. Holy crap. Holy crapitude. Someone should sillyslap Michael Bay many times.

Secondly: King Schlong! Oh, my dear sweet Boring Smurf of Smurfitudinous Retching. Yick. Sure, the CG is swell (Except in those wide shots of the natives and occasional wide shots of Kong, that ol' softy-who-knows-who-to-sign-"Beautiful.") And the dinosaurs are fantabulous. But Jack Black, whom I normally adore, is dreadfully miscast and misdirected. And the story is soooo repeated beat, repeated beat, repeated beat. And it's all telegraphiced from miles away, iconic American story or not. And it's such a cruel story that there's no wonder in it, just frustration and astonishment at the ignorance of the people in charge. A lot like this country, actually. Someone can write a thesis on that one -- King Kong as the wounded American Soul of the Mid-Oughts. But even if someone had the rigorous academic discipline required to research and write such a thesis and could publish it and make the rounds of the morning talk shows and get three minutes to gaze in rapture at Katie Couric's legs and scaryscary plasticmask face -- why, even if that person could share his or her views with the grumpypants, bleary-eyed coffee-drinking wretches watching the today show and then the people revolted in the streets, screaming, "No, no, 'twill not be the airplanes and neither the beauty that slays ME," -- even if that revolution were to happen, King Kong would still be boring, way too long, and not a particularly good movie (except that it's pretty to look at and there are brontosauruses).


(Brontosauri redeem an awful lot, but not that icedancing scene.)

(And I also really, really, really love icedancing so that's saying a fuckload).

(A fuckload is bigger than a bushel yet smaller than a peck).

And while I'm ranting, I also just saw and detested "Wedding Crashers." Because it was mean mean mean Mcmean. Whereas "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was earnest earnest earnest and thusly I liked it muchly.

And while I'm all hot and bothered -- OH MY STARS. Balactica is gonna kickawesome ass this season.

2 comments:

Shawn said...

It kinda sucks that where Im at right now in Canada because we dont Bizattlestizar til January 12!!!!!!!!

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