Monday, January 08, 2007

Breaking News: It Was ZOMBIE Gas!

So, like most Manhattanites, I woke up this morning fearing that my stove was all fucked up and my apartment was filled with gas. However, I also woke up with a total migraine and occasionally when I have a migraine, I have olfactory hallucinations, so I thought I was imagining the whole thing. And then, much to my surprise, my roomie's boss called and told him not to come in to the office, because everyone in the office was freaking out because the whole building smelled like natural gas! It wasn't just my apartment NOR was I hallucinating -- imagine that!

Mayor Bloomberg says that the sensors aren't picking up unusual levels of natural gas, and he claims it's not natural gas we're smelling, but mercaptan - the substance they add to natural gas (which is naturally odorless) to give it an odor so that you can tell when it's leaking into your house (or hallucinations). And, truly, that's an almost acceptable answer - the make all the stinky-enzymes in New Jersey anyway, so it's possible that the mercaptan plant over in "the flavor corridor" had a spill early this morning. But, part of me wants to doubt that, particularly because they never solved the maple-syrup mystery of 2005 (diligent readers will recall that I thought it smelled like Waffle Crisp).

Therefore, I am pretty much convinced that the natural-gas-stinky-epidemic of 07 was actually the first phase of the zombie uprising. I expect to hear a large number of "domestic disturbance" reports on the evening news tonight, and I would be intrigued to know how many people have stumbled into emergency rooms today, claiming that their neighbors or children or spouses somehow bit them. I'm not sayin', but I'm kind of sayin', that if there wasn't really a gas leak and it wasn't terrorists, then it's probably zombies. Personally, I'm sleeping with a pickaxe beneath my pillow tonight. Ain't nobody getting my brains, baby. Ain't nobody.

1 comment:

Pseudonympho said...

I wouldn't go so far as to worry about an upcoming zombie invasion. Leading scientists (me?) have a theory that Mayor Bloomberg is responsible for this olfactory cat-astrophe.

During the Maple Syrup Mystery (MSM for short) of '05, the truth never came out. The real source of the smell was the largest pancake dinner in human history, held at the Dwarf King Bloomberg's house. He kept it secret because to pull it off, they stole all the maple syrupi from every Waffle House and IHOP within 500 miles (replaced with syrupy water).

This time, he probably learned from his mistakes and had another odor released to hide his annual Pancake Dinner/Grammar Rodeo. He was probably enjoying all the maple goodness with his top hat, cane, and monocle, while the rest of us panicked. Damn you Bloomberg!