Yo people, no judging but I truly do-ly heart me some C.S.I. Particularly the fine C.S.I.'s of Miami. Oh, how my heart does a little flipflop for that wondrous Horatio, portrayed by the surely-spawned-from-Viking-stock David Caruso. Oh, H. How I love it when you treat prostitutes with such empathy. And when you take down corrupt coppers. And how you do it all with the same monotonous omniscient sneer. Which is not to say that I don't have some fondness for those hard-working C.S.I's out there in Vegas. Admire that Jorja Fox person character, the agent with the Lauren Hutton tooth gap thing, admire her resolution to quit hitting the juice, to appease her boss! Her boss! The teddybearlike Grishom guy! Who oozes compassion from his every pore and is oh-so-dedicated that sometimes he doesn't even sleep! And that Marg Helgenberger -- ah, a woman who has yet to shoot the Bo' ... look, look, wrinkles! And her character, who just wants so badly to be a good detective but she's also a single mommy and she has some weird mysterious sexual past (mysterious to me, anyway, as I've only seen a few episodes, only one in which it was overtly alluded to and the rest of which contained implications-not-statements) but DAMNIT she has needs like any of us, she has strong sexual desires but she's got all that babymamadrama and dead plushies to handle. But I digress. (Not to worry, I have some ointment for that).
I heart C.S.I. because it's all about sexy science! Each character is as sexyhot as he or she is smart! So the smarter and more scientifically-apt the CSI, the more smoking he or she is as well! AWESOME! And the girl CSIs are totally hot. And they get to wear sexytight clothes. But they're GENIUSES! And sexyhot! And each episode brings us a rockin' ass 'action sequence' in which they conduct the SEXIEST. ELECTROPHORESIS. EVER. to the tune of some hot new rockin' ass song from some synergistic CBS-and-its-media-holdings artist. It's like a sexyhot music video, but instead of R&B dude humping some skinny chick with a big ass, they're separating the fucking double felix. And if that isn't the best simile EVER, then -- bite my butt and call me Larry.
Hi, I'm Larry.
But, fo' reals, kidz! Sexy science! MORE MORE MORE!
More sexy science!
SEXY SPACE SCIENCE!!!!
Yo diggety, I'm-a write me a t-vision show about these astronauts who live on a space station where they grow hydroponic plants and conduct fission-based processed to save the Earth after we've depleted all our natural resources. AND THEY FUCK. ALL THE TIME.
(And, you little silly hillbillies, don't go waving your 'no friction in zero G' flags at me. Oh, no no no. I've got that covered. We'll put handholds on all the surfaces where they might choose to screw. So they can hold on to something stable and get some traction and hump away.)
Hump. Hump. Ribbit. Hump.
That's what a frog says!!!
And, oh wow, Sweet Jesus on a Hot Cross Bun -- a Zero G money shot would look FABULOUS!
Sexy space science! Be still my beating heart.