The Girl With Colitis Goes By

Hello, chickens. I've been outta touch because I've been outta commission -- knocked down and out by a violent tummy problem. I'm okay -- on the road to wellville, as they say. I had my first NYC ER experience, because my doctor thought i might have appendicitis (i didn't!) and my boyfriend was a supertrouper, holding my hand throughout the IV insertion and generally being an all-around beacon of awesomeness. My 'rents came in from NJ, too, and having everyone there made everything a lot less scary. I watch too many medical dramas, i guess (actually, i only watch one, "House," and I only watch it once in a while, only because I think it's kinda neat and Hugh Laurie is good) but I've absorbed a lot of fear from those shows. My father is also a victim of medical-drama-overload -- he observed EMT's loading a gurney out of an ambulance and quipped that he hoped they washed that ambulance out right afterwards -- after all, he watches 3rd Watch.

So, most of my going-to-the-hospital-because-you-might-have-appendicitis was based on Curious George Goes to the Hospital. I was miffed -- they told me I had to drink four whole glasses of barium, and I was all, "What? Curious George only drank one glass of a chalky white substance!" But mine wasn't chalky; it was clear and they mixed it with apple juice. My dad once had to drink a barium milkshake, and he warned me that I would have glow-in-the-dark poo (AWESOME!) that would come out like stones (NOT AWESOME!) I guess they've improved their barium technology since the 60s, because I didn't see any glow nor stones. We joked about how if I had glow-in-the-dark poo I'd have to save it and bag it, like the exquisite piece of poo in 'Been Down So Long, Looks Like Up To Me,' one of our fave books.

I guess Curious George is a monkey and I am a tallish female, and that's why I had to drink four whole glasses of it. I also remembered Madeleine, who, when she had appendix issues, got to stay in a hospital room that had a crack that had a habit of something looking like a rabbit. I saw no rabbit. But then, I didn't actually have my appendix out, so maybe that had something to do with it.

So I had a CAT Scan and it was weirdly sci-fi and they injected my IV with this iodine radioactive stuff and I kinda hoped I'd turn into a super hero (ahem, into MORE of a superhero) but I didn't -- nor did I turn into a cat. And it turned out that my appendix was a-okay but my colon was all messed up. I have a swollen colon!

Bex: I have a swollen colon.
Josh: Quick -- tell Jay Golon!
Bex: I can't, he's bowlin'.
Josh: No, his ball was stolen.

My mom called my brother, Adam, to tell him I was okay. Adam responded with "The warm smell of colitis rising up through the air." I countered with "The girl with colitis goes by." Set, point, match.

So I've been on a liquid diet for days. Both my wonder boyfriend and my mom brought over Pedialyte (actually, my mom brought over something EVEN BETTER -- bright blue almost Pedialyte -- it's another brand, but it's BRIGHT FUCKING BLUE AND SO VERY BEAUTIFUL). My mom and my boyfriend bonded during the whole hospital excursion -- they took smoke breaks together and my mom told him all sorts of embarassing things like how i like to have "Winnie The Pooh" read to me when I'm sick. The boyfriend's been very generous and lovely throughout this ordeal, even suffering through a night of loud tummy noises and whimpering even when he had to get up early for a shoot. Whatta man.

So I'm on bedrest and drinking gatorade and wondering how long it'll take til I get Lindsay Lohan thin. Just kidding -- I like my boobs too much to get that freakzoid 'rexic. She's scary. SCARY! I've just been sleeping and answering urgent work emails and watching TV (Holy season finale of lost! I mean, I knew The Others wanted The Boy once Rousseau said "The Boy" and not "The Baby" but WHY DID THE SCARY SCARY FISHERMAN OTHER HAVE AN AMERICAN ACCENT? He's an American??? What the Heche?)

Any my tummy still hurts but I'm doing much better. I might even move on to attempting to eat applesauce today -- hold the phone, how crazy.

Take good care of yourselves and watch your colons, kids.