Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Neologisms for Humankind

Shoo-out (noun). The opposite of a shoo-in, eg a sure loser, or something that can be said or done to guarantee discomfort and thus ensure that one will not be chosen for a job or position or relationship.

Usage: "I'm dating this guy who loves football and I want to break up with him, so I told him that football is for retards and mongoloids -- a total shoo-out."

Anthropo-mo (adjective). The state of being both anthropomorphic and postmodern (pomo).

Usage: "I saw this stonerdude walking a Great Dane through The Gates and the dog was wearing an ironic D.A.R.E. tee-shirt. He was so anthropo-mo."

Here is a the raddest drummer movie ever, by Allin. It features the drummer from Aerosmith ripping the shit out of his drums. You really have to watch the entire movie to get the perfect amount of schadenfreude to make it worthwhile. Man. That dude really loves drumming.

I'm back at work and I'd just like to say two things:
1) I just saw a commercial for a "Savory Sauce" that you put on your dog's food to make the dogfood more appealing. It looks like yummy, tasty gravy for dry food. I can't believe I actually looked at a dogfood commercial and thought "yummy! tasty!" but for realsies, that savory sauce totally made the dry kibbles look like yumyum good eats! The greatest aspect of this product is that it's called "Savory Sauce" which sounds so dirty.

Usage: "Last night, my boo got me so excited that I snail-trailed all over his duvet. Lots of savory sauce all over his thighs, yo."

2). I also just saw that commercial with the cartoon Mama Bear and Little Girl Bear in which the bears sing about Charmin and how "what you thought was enough might be too much. See, it's more cushiony than ever before, with Charmin Ultra, less is more."

THESE ARE BEARS SINGING ABOUT HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER TO USE TO WIPE YOUR ASS! I don't need bears telling me how much toilet paper to use! And I don't need bears telling me about how absorbent my toilet paper is! Especially because I don't really need my toilet paper to absorb my poo, I need it to wipe it away and make everything clean and hygenic. But mostly, I think my moral sensibilities are offended by hearing bears sing about how much toilet paper they need to wipe the dingleberries from their bear asses.

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