Oh, man. I swear I just witnessed Tom Cruise macking on Jon Stewart during the celebrity interview segment of tonight's Daily Show. And, I swear, I would have read homoerotic subtext into the moment despite the recent explosion of HeteroUncleTom'sCabining preceeded only by page 6's Tomfoolery, and, oh, yeah, the NotGayTomahawk that was chopping merrily away a few years back. Anyhoodles. Tom awkwardly remarked that he and Jon's son have the same birthday -- July 3rd -- and while Jon was riffing on ribbing his son about not living up to Tom's own successful life despite their sharing a date of birth, Tom stated, "You don't wear a wedding band." And Jon slid right on over it like a high school sophomore thinking nasty thoughts about her chemistry teacher whilst sitting on a smooth plastic chair.
Now. For Tom to use valuable airtime to comment on Jon's lack-of-wedding-band status means a number of things.
1). He did the ringcheck within the first minute of the interview.
Now, most people over the age of, say, 25 are quick on the ringchecking uptake:
Option A: Cute guy! Ring? Damn. Flirt casually without being too suggestive.
Option B: Cute guy! No ring! Booyeah! Lean forward and reveal cleavage, mention loudly that you find the female bartender to be really hot and oh, how she reminds you of this threesome you once had in college.
BUT -- ring checks tend to occur when the prospective ring-bearer or ring-lacker could be someone to fuck. No one ringchecks the scary old man who does their laundry. But everyone's ringchecking that guy, I think his name is Rick? Jack? Jake? Something like that? He's that successful but bohemian guy who does something in the industry. He keeps it real, yo.
So. Tom ring-checked Jon because he wants to have sex with him.
2). Tom overtly said, out loud, not tacitly, "You don't wear a ring." After extensive research, I've concluded that a person only says, "You don't wear a ring" when he wants to have sex with the person to whom he is saying "You don't wear a ring." I give you proof, from some of the esteemed writers of fanfic on the interweb:
Katherine Gilbert's "Homecoming":
"Nikita smiled gently at him. He really was quite attractive--nice body--not overly built, hair just long enough to still be considered professional, and eyes . . . Nikita stopped, her face getting a little pale. His eyes were too much like Michael's--in the few times his were gentle; Tim's had none of the hundred-yard stare to them that Michael's could get, of course, but they were deep and liquid. You could drown in them. Nikita looked away. She had suffocated too often in Michael's to be able to look in eyes like that for very long. Her next view gave her no solace, however. Across the park, under a tree, a couple was picnicking. They were obviously infatuated--kissing and touching each other frequently, oblivious to the world around them. Nikita sighed. She had to get out of here.
She looked back at Tim and smiled. "I'm sorry. I have to go. I promised to meet my husband for lunch, and I'm almost late."
Tim looked surprised. "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't know you were . . . Well, I mean . . . you don't wear a ring."
Nikita gave a half-smile, as she rose. "We're still saving up for one."
Someone's deceptively quantum-physics esque "It's all Relative"
"Sally stopped mid-munch and looked up. "Uh, actually, Jack, that is a small detail I might have neglected to mention." She sat back in her chair, and Jack did the same. "I am married, and it just so happens, his name is Jack, too." She smiled wanly. "Isn't that a coincidence?"Jack was quiet for a moment. He glanced at her left hand. "But you don't wear a ring. What's wrong with your husband that he lets his beautiful wife out in public without letting people know she's taken?"She cocked her head and looked at him with a surprised expression. "You think I'm beautiful? My mama always said my mouth was too full for my face and that I therefore missed true beauty."
S.X. Meagher's "I Found My Heart in San Francisco"
You're married?" he asked, quite surprised that this young woman would be attached. "You don't wear a ring." Taking her hand in his, he traced his thumb over her bare ring finger, just to make his point.
My point (and if I wear a hat, you can't really see it): One only says "You don't wear a ring" when one wants to get jiggy in a bad way with the person who is not wearing a ring.
Well. I'm not saying, but I'm saying.
Tom luvs Jon. Tom luvs Jon. Tom luvs Jon.
And if you want to sue me for slander, Tom, bring it.
I notice your lawyer doesn't wear a ring.