Okay. Look, people, I'm not sure I have the authority to do this but
A) I have migraine
B) I'm in a really foul mood.
Theoretically, that combo allows me to be the one to assert these rules of Umbrella Etiquette, because, clearly, none of you fuckers walking through Times Square have a mofe'ing clue.
UMBRELLA ETIQUETTE IN NEW YORK CITY
1). The taller you are, the larger the umbrella you may carry. Associatively, the shorter you are, the smaller the umbrella. Tall people ought to lift their larger umbrellas above the shorter masses. If you are short and you're carrying a large umbrella, when you attempt to raise your large umbrella above your head, you will only be raising your large umbrella into the faces of normally-heighted people. So don't. Carry a mini umbrella for your mini self.
2). Along the same lines, children should wear rainhats or hoods. No umbrellas for them.
3). If two people are about to pass each other, and both are holding umbrellas, the taller person should raise his/her umbrella and the shorter person should pull his/her umbrella down. This way, there's no eye-spiking.
4). You never need to carry one of those golf umbrellas. Just don't.
5). Upon entering a store/restaurant/whatever, place your umbrella in the conveniently-provided umbrella-holder. Upon leaving, take your umbrella. Do NOT take someone else's umbrella. Just because you have a $3 bought-on-the-street jammy and someone else has an expensive Gustbuster, you cannot steal their umbrella. AND TO THE FUCKER WHO ADDED INSULT TO INJURY ON MY ALREADY SUCKFEST WEDNESDAY BY STEALING MY UMBRELLA FROM THE 14TH FLOOR WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM AT THE NEW YORK SPORTS CLUB ON 49TH AND BROADWAY, if I find out who you are, you will die a slow and painful death. I'm so glad you got to be all dry and toasty when you left the gym. I was already in a bad mood, pissed, overheated, hungry, and drenched. I hate you. You should be forced to listen to James "Cunt" Blunt for eternity.
6). If your umbrella has broken spokes, do not carry it through Times Square. You will surely put someone's eye out.
7). If it's barely drizzling, fuck the umbrella. It's called a raincoat, people. Or even a baseball cap. Your hair's fucked up anyway because it's raining, so, please, don't ruin my already horrible commute any more than you have to.
8). Just because you're wearing big stupid galoshes, it is NOT ALL RIGHT to jump wholeheartedly into large puddles of water. Sure, your feet with stay dry, but my OUTFIT WILL BE RUINED BECAUSE I AM STANDING ON THE CURB WHILE YOU ARE BEING A TOOL. I realize this rule has nothing to do with umbrellas, but, screw you, my head hurts like a motherfucker.
In other news, I wish there were a 1-800 number I could call, and when they picked up the phone I would ask, "What do I want to eat for lunch?" And they would tell me.
My friend Josh adds that he'd even pay a 1-900 number for that service. Or to get the answer texted to your phone on a daily basis.
There must be algorithm that would sort that out for me. Math geniuses? Anyone?