Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
But, Happy Passover! Can't wait to tell ya'll about our Jewmersion weekend.
Friday, April 22, 2005
No, wait, I won a poetry contest in Cricket magazine when I was nine and they published my poem.
ALL ACCESS: AWESOMELY BAD CAREER MOVES: Friday, April 29th. Sneak peek at 11am, premiere at 10pm.
ALL ACCESS: MORE AWESOME CELEBRITY BEEFS: Monday, May 2nd. Sneak peek at 11am and 6pm, premiere at 9pm
ALL ACCESS: CELEBRITY BEST FRIENDS: Wednesday, May 5th. Sneak peek at 11am and 5pm, premiere at 10pm.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
I just shot All Access Awesome Beach Bodies and the producer asked for some archival shots of me in beachlike situations. This photo was taken was I was about 1.5, I think. I'm standing in front of the backdoor of my grandparents' house in Poughkeepsie -- we had a plastic kiddie pool in the backyard and I think my cousin and I were playing in it. Aw, look. I'm just COVERED in babyfat. And check on out that sassysassy bathing suit.
We called it "Camp Nanny-Zaydee" because my cousin was jealous that his big sister was at real camp (Jew camp!) and so my mom and my aunt invented camp at my grand-rents' house. My grandmother is "Nanny" because she didn't want to be a Bubby or a Grandma, and my grandfather was Zaydee -- Zaydee Hal, to be exact. Because my dad's parents, down in Florida, are Bubby and Zaydee Sam.
(Heh. All these people keep finding my site by googling "bex schwartz nude." I hope this one sends 'em all reeling. Sickos!)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
But, hey, check it on out -- this particular collegiate a capella group decided to perform Nintendo theme songs.While acting them out. Wait for the Ninja. And the Zelda bit towards the end. I'd still like to throw desks at these types of people, but the Nintendo shiznit is mildly amusing.
But speaking of the bathroom ... every time we use the bathroom, gallons of water flood down into the courier service that lives under the money pit. And apparently we have the worst landlord in the world. Although he did pull out the radiator in my room (now my bed's in the best feng shui location! and no more radiator-induced sinus crap!
Anyhoodles. I'm beat. Whooped. Exhausted. I shot All Access Awesomely Bad Celeb Baby Names yesterday -- Jamie Oliver (the naked chef) has a daughter named Poppy Honey -- and I renamed her "Hymen Vagina."
Friday, April 15, 2005
Now is the time on Sprockets when we panic: PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIC!
I'm internerd-less for a few days, kids, until the nice Time Warner Cable man comes. Keep your noses clean, yo.
love and kisses,
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Oh my stars. It's a BEAVER HAT. See, Josh is having a Canada-themed party called ROCK OOT (with or without your COCK OOT) and I told him that Canadians often wear beaver hats. So he ebay'ed a beaver hat and found this site. I mean. It's for real. It's a BEAVER HAT. But it's a BEAVER. hat. It even seems to have a clitoris. I mean, it's a BEAVER HAT. Phil says its sheer beauty is indication of a higher intelligence -- the fact that it's a beaver hat / beaver hat is proof that there is a god.
Oh my stars. Beaver hat. BEAVER HAT!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Hi ya'll -- just a quick note. I shot "All Access: Beach Bodies" today and here's what I looked like doing so. I also did pick-up v/o for that NOVA ScienceNow project I worked on a few months back; I'll link to that site as soon as it's online. In other news, I'm swampy mcswamp swamp with foot problems -- we did the mega IKEA run yesterday and bought so much stuff that I will spend the rest of my life with a hexkey. Josh says to become one with the hexkey, which means that I will turn into a bexkey. Ouch, that was just stoopid. Stoopid bexkey joke. ANYHOO. So I had blisters on my feet so I was walking funny to compensate for it so now I have perma-cramped calf muscles and I am scared I'm going to end up like three inches shorter and then I won't be nearly as Amazonian as everyone's come to know and heart. Sigh. Anyhoo. During today's shoot, I recited a poem I wrote when I was a kid about wedgies:
You gotta pick it out,
Squeeze it out,
Side to side!
You gotta get that wedgie
Out from inside!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
So I spent Friday afternoon in a "Logo immersion" meeting, learning all about our new channel. Hip hip hooray. Then it was off to Josh's nonsurprise unbirthday party, an event commemorated by Josh's near-perfect elk-killing streak. Elks were slain and pepper-fuckers were consumed and we all chipped in and got Josh this original Maakies cartoon (Jed's wondrous idea) and it was lovely and touching and there was certainly a real moment of touchingness.
And then back to the boyfriend's house for awesomeness and some high seas action. See, the boyfriend has a lofted bed that I always call "the pirate ship" because when I was in nursery school, there was a lofted platform where you got to nap during naptime if your mother (or, in the odd case, father) was the helpermonkey for the day. I went to a "co-op" nursery school (in a church!) and there were always helpermonkey parents. Anyhoo. So, the pirate ship was a-rockin' and apparently there was too much a-knockin' on the neighbor's wall. Whoops. No more late-night piracy in bed, that means. Avast! Ahoy, mateys!
On Saturday we tackled the new money pit (aka "the new apt). We're doing this super-sounds-of-the-seventies striping thing against the wall -- the bottom half of the hallway and living room are "oklahoma wheat" in this kinda seventies/rollerdisco angled shape, and we're putting a stripe of brown and a stripe of orange on top of the "oklahoma wheat." ("grandfather clock" and "racing orange," to be exact). the whole design scheme was inspired by this merrimekko wall-hanging that hung over my parents' bed their whole married lives, until they moved to the condo. Noah loves it (Although apparently my parents hung it upside-down their whole lives -- Noah says the signature is on the bottom the other way. So.) And then we painted the bathroom "artichoke heart" green. We're going for a super done-up jungle theme -- we already have a jungle shower curtain, and we have all these pipes in there that we're going to paint like bamboo (anyone know how to paint pipes to look like bamboo?) and put monkeys and vines in there. The jungle bathroom. And now that it's "artichoke heart," we can call it the "artichoke heart of darkness." and if someone clogs the toilet, it will be the "stuffed artichoke." teehee.
Josh helped me choose the colors for my room -- it's "Milano Red" and "Japanese Koi." SOOOO very WWII, eh? It came out superintense -- my bed will be in the red side and my "office" area (Deskypoo -- to be purchased tomorrow at Ikea! WOO!) will be in the yellow half. And i have oh-so-much to do -- I have to install one of those closet organizer jazzys and stuff. The 'rents came in today to help us put up some shelving (we didn't trust ourselves) and my dad talked us out of drilling into our brick wall to install floor-to-ceiling bookshelves -- i think we're going to build our own. Are we that handy? Back in the dizzay, when i was all theatrey, i was a total handy person. I've lost faith in those abilities, but surely I can do it? I hope?
On Saturday, the boyfriend took me to this awesome hummus place and I was daunted by a plate of the most awesome hummus i've ever had. Then we went to a bar, where, randomly, this bar patron recognized me from "Britney's Most Shocking" and recognized the boyfriend from a shoot they did together. Small world (but I wouldn't want to paint it). Then we went to the divine Miss Meredith's party at "crime scene," a bar that's allegedly crime-scene/L&O themed but fails in the total theming department. I heart theme more than anything and I was sad it didn't measure up. But my work buddies were there, as well as not one but TWO Norwegian heckachopter pilots (does everyone in Norway fly heckachopters???)
And then I took the Smell home and had this bizarre incident -- I was walking home, and I have to cross McCarren Park to get there. either way, walking down bedford or driggs, you have to cross the park. and driggs is faster. and i noticed all these drunk guys at north 10th, right before the park. and so i just started walking. and i heard loud noises so looked back, and saw this little guy running. he looked like he was jogging, so i stepped to the side to let him pass. but then he slowed down, and stopped running right next to me.
And he said, 'it's not safe for a beautiful woman to walk home by herself, let me walk you home." and i said, "oh, no, really, i'm fine." but then he said, "there are bad men out there" (and by this time, i was FREAKED, but i was like, play it cool, girl), and he said, "so, you're really drunk?" And i said, "no, i'm not, actually. i'm totally fine." and he said, "there are drunk guys back there" and then he asked where I lived. And i said, "oh, a few blocks away, it's nothing." And he said, "no, no, i'll walk you home." and so, so as to prove that this was all normal, I started making smalltalk -- where are you from, what do you do, etc.?
And then he said, "where's your boyfriend?" and i said, "He has to go to LA so i'm just heading home to chill out with my roommate." and he said, "oh, so you already have a boyfriend?" and i said, "yes." and then we finally got across the park and he kept walking with me, and i said, "really, i'm just a few blocks away" (Because i didn't want him to walk me home b/c i didn't know what i'd do when i got to the door -- there were all those cases of people being raped in theiy foyer/entryways in the Burg last year, and I was like: "i'm sure this is a good person but i am too freaked out to let him walk me all the way home, ack ack ack!"
And so finally I pretended to know someone in a bar we were passing, and I thanked him and said goodbye and he turned around. And i waited a little while, and then walked home. I'm SURE he was a truly good person, but I was sooooo wary. Dammit, I was wearing a dress -- does being in a skirt or dress make me seem more femme-y and thus more helpless? Was he really a good person? I'm so conditioned to expect the worst from people ... I hate that, as a chick, I get scared walking home alone, whereas my male roomie never does. GROWL! That sense of fear and helplessness makes me feel gross and icky -- I mean, in theory, I could've kicked the guy; I took Tae Kwon Do and I was taller than him. But is it horrible that I suspected the worst? That I couldn't believe that a random stranger would care so much about my welfare that he would insist on walking 20 minutes out of his way to make sure I was safe? Am I a horrible person for being freaked out?
But I arrived home safe 'n' sound -- schwoo. And woke up to do more apt stuff and then interview Michael Buble for AOL -- he's rather charming and funny, despite being a Canadian neo-Sinatra. I like him on our "I Love the" shows and I think he has a neat voice -- he makes it all seem so easy.
And now I'm whooped. WHOOPED! And we're getting up early and heading to Ikea. The big move happens on Saturday -- less than a week til we're outta the 'Point and into Chelsea. And I can wake up to Chelsea Mornings every day. Hip hip hooray!
Thursday, April 07, 2005
I realize, friends, that I never blogged about my long-ago journey to Barbados. It was pure kickawesomeradness. My flight was delayed leaving JFK due to snow, so I wore my bathing suit under my clothes so I could go straight to the beach. My travelin' companion picked me up from the teensy tiny Barbados airport and took me straight to the ocean, where there were monstrous waves that immediately ripped my bikini from my body. Baptism, Barbados style!
We stayed on the East coast of the island, which is crazyass rocky. As you can see above, there are these rock formations that have been eroded from eons and eons of ocean action. I got all tripped out thinking about just how long those rocks have been there -- like, for all of humankind's presence on this globe, the bottom of that rock has always been eroded like that ... mindfuck! Cerebellumfornication!
We spent the weekend soaking up sun and rum ... lots and lots of rum. We ended up going to this tiny little rumhouse near where we were staying and performing Karaoke.
Songs I drunkenly murdered in a tiny Bajan rumhouse:
1) Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
2) Genie in a Bottle - Xtina
3) Hey, Big Spender - Peggy Lee
4) To Be With You - Mr. Big
5) a whole lotta other ones I no longer remember
We also ate fresh coconut and gallons of Bajan hot sauce. Fabuschmabu, yo.
Ew, this was totally one of those Dear Mr. Henshaw blog entries. So sorry. I just wanted to share the photo.
This is Buck. Buck Henry, to be exact. He lives on the wall of a cabin way up in uppity upstate. As a longtime vegematarian, I am not so much a fan of ye olde taxidermy (except for deer scrota, of course). Dead animals who live on walls often scare me. They give me the heebie-jeebies. They make my knees knock willy-nilly. They make me feel all namby-pamby.
Thing is, Buck has lived on his wall for a long time. He's probably lived on the wall longer than I have lived on this planet. So, it's really not my right to ask him to leave, even though he scares me a little tiny bit.
But, look! If Buck wears my rainhat and my rainbow scarf, he no longer looks scary! No, no, no! He looks sassy! And jaunty! And gay! Like he's about to go cruising for a hunter in the woods. "Hey, hunter," he might say. "Nice rifle-butt."
Imagine that! Just by cocking a Maine fisherman's rainhat over one antler, Buck becomes so awesome. Just look at that gleam in his eye. He's totally on the prowl for some sweet, sweet deerhunter ass. To lick, not to shoot.
Speaking of which, it is totally not Josh's birthday today. And so tomorrow night we will be hunting electronic bucks galore. But not the sassy ones.
Thanks to my awesomerad buddy, Jason, I was hipped to this news about SONY's new patent. Jason said, "Are you ready for the future?"
I said: FUCK YEAH.
Then he told me about this new patent that puts "sights and sounds directly into your brain."
I read the article; as far as I can tell, it's non-retinae based stimulation of the visual neurons in the cortex. So you can "see" without actually seeing. Jason says it'll be like a helmet you put on and then you can watch tv in your brain.
Once I watched a cartoon in my brain. There was a happy cartoon cow and she was driving down a country road in a yellow car. I was coming down and my friend was having sex in the next room with this guy we picked up, and they were concerned that I was upset because they'd abandoned me, but I told them to go ahead and have a blast because I was very immersed in the cartoon. It was a great cartoon. It had songs.
Anyhoo. So this "Sony Dream Hat" (as Jason calls it) will let you watch tv (of cartoon cows, or otherwise) in your brain. Just like hallucinating, but for reals.
HOLY FUCK, the future is so here!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
it kinda makes me long to move to Canadadia.
and, yes, it's for real.
But we're not moving to the Sleeping Giant to the North, land of lemmings and moose. We're moving to Chelsea, land of swanky bars, really buff men and our new apartment. I've been doing lots of work for Logo, so perhaps the whole move is just one giant write-off.
What color do I paint my bedroom? My grown up bedding is reddish/purple/gold (to match my Lenny Bruce poster). Help! Because, secretly, I want to live in a red bedroom. Which would make it seem like I live in a bordello. and Josh says Jed painted his bedroom red and went crizazy -- like the Yellow Wallpaper, but the Red Walls instead.
Monday, April 04, 2005
More later, love bunnies. At least it's stopped raining. Because we all know that April showers bring May flowers. And what do May flowers bring?
What did the ghost say to the bee?
(best. joke. ever.)
I feel like I need to elaborate on the "moist panties"-induced ickypoo sensation. Let's see.
2. yeast infections (note: we just learned that ladies should aboid using glycerine-based lubes because they break down to become sugar and having sugar in your cooch is basically asking for a yeastie) (double note: let's call yeast infections "yeastie" from here on in, shall we?)
3. if someone were to stick a knitting needle into your eye
4. that scene in American History X where the guy has to bite the curb and then someone stomps on his head
5. President Bush
1. dead pets
2. if a homeless person urinated on the subway and then you sat in it, and you also happened to be wearing a miniskirt and no tights
4. a mouse stuck in a glue trap and its eye is in the glue and you can see its exposed eyestalk
5. the dying flopping action of a just-caught sunfish
1. steely dan (the band, not the vibrator)
2. mushy eggplant
3. tara reid's frankenipple
4. eye sties
5. when a dog humps your leg
ASSUREDLY NOT ICKYPOO:
spending the weekend with my BOYFRIEND (yes, i'm coming out of the closet about this one, gang. I have a BOYFRIEND, my first-ever boyfriend, and I am very happy. Between my BOYFRIEND and moving into Chelsea, I have absolutely nothing to complain about, other than being highly overwhelmed by the impending move).