I'm the Schwartz of the Month! I won! I won! Hip hip hip hooray! This may be the first time I've ever won anything! When I was six I was in the Glen Rock "jr. Olympics" and I was the only kid who didn't win anything and I cried and cried and cried and then later that day, Jim Usher (who was one of the judges) came over to our house to give me a 2nd place ribbon for the longjump because he said the judges had miscalculated. Really, he was just being an unbelievably nice person. Because I am an anti-jock. I received the "Most Unathletic" senior superlative in high school. (Although I also got "Biggest Whiner" and "Most Unique").
No, wait, I won a poetry contest in Cricket magazine when I was nine and they published my poem.