I Lost My Cat. Him name is apparently "Strickles," but yo no hablo espanol

Okay, it's no Hopkin, but I was quite taken with this poster for a kid's lost cat in Sevilla.
I tried to translate the text: "perro perdido rasa pasto aleman si lo encontreis llamar al: / si lo encotrais llamar al:" using Babelfish, but it gave me:
"lost dog strickles grass German if encontreis to call to: / if encotrais to call to:"

Him name is Strickles?


Also: killer dolphins on the loose!

Zug? The Boys from "Kept" have a blog?

Does this mean blogging has officially jumped the shark?

Hi-FUCKING-Larious -- See the Trailer for "Shining"

This trailer for the film "Shining" is brilliantly done.

As someone who does this sort of thing for a living, this recontextualization is not just tickling my fancy, it's stroking it into oblivion. Brillz!

Toni Collette and Tina Fey -- Separated At Birth

Toni? Tina?
So I was trolling Gawker and I noticed an ad for the new Cami Dee movie, "In Her Shoes.". (Warning: excessively annoying music on that website). And it suddenly smacked me whoomp-upside-the-head that Toni Collette in "In Her Shoes" is actually Tina Fey!

Toni is Tina?
Tina is Toni?
And this has NOTHING at all to do with Tony and Tina, makers of my very faveywaveyest type of glitter that I wear every single day? And, additionally: nothing to do with Tony and Tina's wedding, neither the musical nor the film??

Am I taking too many headache medicamations?

Oh, look. I've updated my telemavision appearances site

What shows am I on? Eureka, now you know!

I don't know who the lovely people are who put my info up on tvtome and tv.com and the like, but, heck, I made it real slippery-slidy easy-like for you to get all the deets. Woo!

I Stoned New York?

stoned-ny, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

So everyday I walk past the new Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square -- and, lemme tell you, as a five-year veteran of working in Times Square, a new tourist trap is JUST what we need. Oh boy. Now it'll be even more annoying and frustrating to leave the office at lunchtime in search of vegan soup. Le sigh, le sigh. Anyhoo ... everytime I pass it, I can't help but chuckle at the posters they have up in the window.

Assumedly, one is supposed to read these posters as "I rock New York" -- ha ha, the Hard Rock rocks New York, I geddit, I geddit. But my brain always twitches a little bit and I interpret these posters as "I stoned New York."

Which, honestly, is a much more appealing tagline.

Upon further reflection (geddit? geddit?), I've realized this is actually a kinda neat photo. Or else it's just because I'm stuck at home today with a buggy and the cold medicine is making me trippy.

Hard Cock Cafe! BWA HA HA!

Add THAT To The Ol' CV: Gay Penguin Expert for the BBC

So the BBC found out that Roy and Silo (The Central Park iconic gay penguins) broke up and Silo took up with Scrappy, a female penguin babe. And i guess they googled "Gay penguins" and they found my blog, because I wrote oh-so-obsessively about gay penguins back during the Logo-launching days. And so they called me and we did a brief interview that aired on the illustrious Beeb and they sent me an mp3 of the interview, which, if you're totally obsessed with gay penguins OR if you want to hear me trying to sound knowledge-y about gay penguins while the office is exploding around me and I'm coping with a sore throat, you can listen to it right here.

Me on the BBC? A dream come true! When I lived in London, I called Chris Evans' show once and won tickets to something because I recognized the quote "and the rowers keep on rowing" from Willy Wonka and he kept making me say "Wonka" because my American accent made it sound remarkably like "Wanker" to his ears. But now I have trumped my initial London radio appearance! HUZZAH!

I Loves Me Gay Penguins

As my constant blogpanions know, I did an image spot for Logo telling the heartwarming story of a man who comes to terms with his homosexuality when he's inspired by the loving antic of two friendly gay penguins. The spot itself was inspired by Ray and Silo, Central Park's main gay penguin pair. And, much to my incredible chagrin, Ray and Silo went splitskis just a few weeks ago. And yet a new day has come, for today we learn that Tango, their surrogate daughter, the penguin chick raised by Ray and Silo after the nice penguinkeepers swapped out the rock they were hatching with a real penguin egg, is a lesbiguin!

Thanks to the always up-on-gay-penguin-news Towleroad for the tip!

Things I Love That Start With The Letter "P"

1) Puppets
2) Polyphonic Spree
(put 'em together and what do you get? Bibbity bobbity boo, and the Glove and Boots' puppetriffic video for one of my fave Polyphonic Spree songs, "Hold Me Now.")
3) Pickles, epecially of the Branston variety, because then you can make a
4) Ploughman's lunch which is my favey-waveyest meal right now, particularly if I were to enjoy it at a
5) Picnic, where I could frolic in a meadow, filled with the joy that comes around every autumn, when we're treated to oh-so-many
6) Premieres! Especially of the seasonal variety, but also of the Hollywood movie subgenre.
7) Penis.

Battlestar Galactica Broke My Heart

sunset fence, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Sweet jebus. I got backlogged and didn't watch my beloved Battlestar Galactica for a week (it was on my tivo!) and we finally did a double donger and watched two weeks' worth of episodes tonight and OH NOOOOOO! The season finale? Already? I have to wait til January? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Thank you, I just had to get that out of my system. Mildly titillating entires about tampons and vh1 shows (watch All Access:Awesomely Bad Celeb Fashion on October 3rd at 9pm!) to come.

Just remember, to is a preposition, come is a verb.

Shovin'

So were talking about our throwaway culture last night. About the process of collecting trash and where does the trash go? And where are the junkyards of yesterday, where you could go and find an old rocking horse or a refrigerator (don't hide in it!) or a washtub or a broken clarinet?

And, just the week, I was recalling my summers spent at Jew Camp, when at some point in the summer those of us who shoved (used tampons) would try to teach a nonshover how to use tampons. (The instruction: "this may sound gross, but don't wipe" weighed heavily in these tutorial sessions.) And back in the day, of course, we all used applicator tampons. We weren't going to touch our bodies in any way, shape, or form (and besides, we were bloody) so we kept a nice plastic barrier between our fingers and our ladyflowers.

And that got me thinking about how much those tampax pearlized plastic tampon inserter things make me crazy. Because they're superfluous! You don't need a non-recyclable, never-to-biodegrade applicator to shove that thing in -- you just use your finger!

That's why in my household, we advocate ob tampons. As we like to say, Ob tampons. For women who are cool with sticking their fingers into their vaginas.Because that's all you do! They're so easy to use! And there's no plastic detritus!

But I suppose the plastic-applicator-tampon users still aren't cool with sticking their fingers into their vaginas. Perhaps because we live in a society where the vagina is viewed as a dirty, smelly beast. A beast that should terrify us, because clearly, it smells like fish. Hence the need for deodorant tampons. Yick. If my hoohoo smelled like potpourri, I'd be a little freaked out.

And so. Stick your fingers into your vaginas, ladies! Think of it as doing your part for the country. Save the environment! And how about doing your part to help the country as it stays firmly mired in wartime? Oil's mad expensive and all sorts of shit is fucked up and now that those Gulf Coast refineries are down, just think about how much you're doing the country a favor by avoiding plastic tampon applicators -- why, you're saving the oil for worthy causes! No need to make plastic! Because when oil gets expensive, plastic follows suit! And think about how you can help the economy by avoiding superfluous plastic!

Yes, ladies. It's part of the war effort. It's like Rosie the Riveter! We can do it!

And, so: I present my newest suggestion for the Military's propaganda campaign:

tampons, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Things that Make Me Go Teehee

Click this link. But before you click it, please duly note the url:" http://www.iiiiiiii.com/." Get it? Teehee, teehee, oh tee tee tee mchee!

My Dad is Member of the Year

So yesterday I left my session and hopped on a ferry (ack! yet another boat!!!)with my boo and my mom so we could go to Hozboken to watch my dad win an award. He's the Member of the Year of some sort of design/build/possibly sewage-related organization. And jokes abounded about his status as Member of the Year. See, I keep my little digicam in what essentially amounts to a cocksock and so it was just the perfect prop. And of course, my mom kept making snarky comments about getting to kiss the Member of the Year and taking the Member of the Year home to bed and such. Does the funny ever stop? Anyhooskzinkis, this is my dad waiting semi-patiently to take the stage and win his Member of the Year award.

And this is mom, trying to hold in her laughter, as some other sewage dude won an award and kept talking about something-or-other number 1. And, as my mother pointed out, seeing as it was sewage-related, at least it wasn't number 2.

Does being an environmental engineer specializing in wastewater management ever stop being funny? When we were kids, my bro and I used to say that our dad worked with sewage and sludge. Awesome.

Hell's to the Yeah! Turn Me Into A Diamond When I Kick the Bucket

Whoa. So I'm rocking the wiki, researching all the nastyshit of the diamond industry because I'm about to go shoot "All Access: Red Hot Red Carpet" 2005 and there are a lot of interview topics about celebs and their bling. In particular, I'm supposed to talk about Nelly's bling at the "Longest Yard" premiere, when he showed up fronting a platinum diamond-filled tooth plate (what the heche is a tooth plate? Let's ask wiki! Oh, poo, the don't know. And I can't find any photos. Sorry!) Anyhooski, so the question is: Do you think Nelly's diamond tooth plate affects his tastes? And I wanted to do the research so I could say: Tastes like financing terrorism! Tastes like slavery! Tastes like war-mongering!

But then I stumbled upon the wiki for Lifegem, and man, it is FAS-cinating. Lifegem turns the cremains of your loved ones into bee-you-tiful diamonds. (minus the slavery/terrorism aspect). A sample testimonial from their website reads:
Dear Rusty,
Well, I have my diamond and I can't thank you enough. It is much more beautiful than I could have imagined. Knowing that my Mother is in the stone and I can take her with me is an awsome feeling.

Oh, dear. And you do it for pets, too.

The mind reels.

I Was Pretending To Be On Lost

Oh boy! It's been so long since those freaky Others took Walt away... but, heavens to betsy, Lost premieres tonight!

On vacation, we went to a town called Canos de la Meca because we read in our trusty book that they had a vegematarian restaurant there. And, just by chance, they also had the most fabulous, boho beaches. Lots of dreadheaded hash-smokers, and lots of (yay) naturalists. My boo/boyf/beef snapped this photo - I was gazing in rapture at the limestone cliffs, imagining that I was trekking around the perimeter of the Lost island with Sayed, looking for Rousseau. Or something like that.

The restaurant was not actually vegematarian, but I had an egg-n-cheese crepe that was savory and tastykins.

Dig my sarong!

bex limestone, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Surprise Birfday Lunchtime Celebramations

My sneakysneaky workbuds surprised me at my audio session (mixing the first overview spot for 80s 3D) today! Who are these lovely people? Why, it's most of my department! Aren't they lovely people? Who could they be? Romper Bomper Stomper Boo, I look in my mirror and I see: adam & allin & rob gee & kiki & renee eating coco's hair & kelly & matt (who once played Swingers in our I love the 70s spot) and me, and I look like a fucking ginormous amazon.

And then Matt played the Bex's Greatest Birthday hits playlist, the emotional qualities of which led these three to serenade me in an impromptu recording studio on the floor of the actual recording studio. They're singing along to the acoustic version of Wilson Phillips' "Hold On." And, yes, they argued over who had to be Carnie. (Other big hits on the Bex's Fave Songs Used In Sessions Promoting Various Shows on Vh1 Since 2002: "Escape" by Enrique; "Can't Live Without Your Love and Affection" by Nelson, "Torn," the original version by Edna Swamp, and "America" by Neil Diamond, with which I'm currently obsessed. Thanks a latte, I Love the 80s 3D!)

And then Coco, bless her soul, got so caught up in the Kelly Clarkstillz she simply needed to sing "A Moment Like This." And we all slow-danced as if were on the beach, living in a Sandals commercial. Except, in our version, Sandals actually lets gay couples stay there.

And then I blew out the candles and we all ate cake. Kelly loves cake. I like the strawberries in the cake. And the roses atop said cake, of course. Such sneaky workbuds! Bringing on the surprise! LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY!

I Look Like a Monkey and I Smell Like One, Too

bex mosaic wall, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Look, I'm in a pretty-pretty fancypants casa in Sevilla. If you focus your eyes in a certain way and stare at the mosaics, you should see a magic picture of a bunnyrat!

It's my birfday and I be old. Hot diggity cha cha cha.

Rock the Casbah!

I took this photo as we were walking along the outer wall of the Casbah (which means "fort") in Tangier. Tangier was so amazing and overwhelming and fantastically exciting. John and I kept looking at each other and saying, "WE'RE IN AFRICA!" and getting increasingly excited. I would very much like to return to Morocco and continue to explore and experience its awesomeness. Happy birthday to me tomorrow!

rock the casbah, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Um ... Ew? Live-blogging (for thirty seconds) the Emmys

Call me cocky, but I swear: the opening number of the Emmys is a combination of those songs I write every year for VH1's "Big in ..." and the durstest derivative of "We Didn't Start the Fire" ever written.

Monday and Tuesday are Very Important

best drink ever, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Monday, September 19th = TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!
(special thanks to Elise for the reminder.

Tuesday, September 20th -- I turn "old." LATE TWENTIES = FREAKING ME OUT, MAN!

But, look. It's a photo of my very favoritest drink, the one about which I write all the time. The glowing radioactive blue beverage from Otto's Shrunken Head! The perfect antidote to the I'm-turning-27 blues.

(oh ... and because I keep getting hits from people looking for showtimes for the shows that I've promoted and then blogged about (oooh, I'm like your little tv guide conduit!), let me be your promo pimpin' queen:
I love the 80s 3D premieres Monday, October 24th at 9/8c. 10 years in five night!
Breaking Bonaduce airs Sunday nights at 10/9c.

Night in the City Looks Pretty To Me

smoky church, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

I took this happy-accident smoky photo in Sevilla. I hearts it muchly.

It's A Small Hipster Bingo World After All

Remember a few years ago, when we were all emailing the hipster bingo board to each other? I totally thought that whoever created it was a total Trendy-Trendy-Bedford-Avenue (in the WB) type of hipster. But, he's not! He's from Columbus, Ohio! I didn't even know they HAD hipsters there (teasing, Ohio, teasing.) (I spent a week in Columbus, Ohio once way back in the day when I had a different job and I got so very inebriated on "red-headed sluts" that I consider Ohio to be one of the rockingest states. Especially because it's so much fun to say! Sufjan, do up Ohio next!!!)

Anyhoo, I met Ryan (author of hipster bingo) at a backyard veggie-bbq that my friend John invited me to attend. It was a Corn, Mushroom, Jicama bbq (get it -- CMJ? bwa ha!) and Say Hi To Your Mom (note: my very favoritest new trend is that singer-songwriters now go by quirky band names rather than their own names ... and it works so very well! HEARTS to the one-man bands!) performed and he's rad, and then Vanderslice once again sliced it wide open. I love his music and his new album is fabu, and you should pick it up right now, if only because one writer from popmatters wrote the most evocative bit of music review ever about what Pixel Revolt sounds like: "A summer nap where you wake up and someone is handing you iced coffee and is just about to break your heart." Lovely, just lovely.

Go, John Vanderslice! Go, Say Hi To Your Mom! Go, Hipsters in Columbus, Ohio!

West of the Jordan, East of the Rock of Gibraltar

Actually, I'm right below the Rock of Gibraltar. Actually-actually, I'm standing on the border between Spain and Gibraltar. You park your car in Spain and then you walk across an "airport" (one literally walks across the runway, it's bizarre) and then you're in the British colony of Gibraltar. Where there are MONKEYS!

And we climbed the Rock of Gibraltar. So now it exists as more than just a line in a Dylan song (West of the Jordan, East of the Rock of Gibraltar -- I see the burning of the stage, curtain risin' on a new age, see the groom still waitin' at the altar.)or the go-to destination for John to marry Yoko ("Peter Brown called to say: you can make it okay, you can married in Gibraltar near Spain!")

Full disclosure: it wasn't until I just now googled that Dylan song that I learned what the real lyrics are. For my whole life, I thought it was: "Where's Brother Jordan? He's down the Rock of Gibraltar." And then once I went to the Rock of Gibraltar, I thought that was so silly, because clearly Brother Jordan should have been UP the rock of Gibraltar, or perhaps even inside the Seige Tunnels IN the Rock of Gibraltar. But now I get it. Whoops.

Spain was Magical

Someday, I'll have time to hook up my new digicam to my 'puter and upload my photos so that I, just like my friend Mikey, can stop writing about my life and use photos to illustrate it instead. But my boyf sent a few photos from his camera, so, here:
bask in the beauty that is Sevilla. And imagine that you're enjoying the beauty fully, only without the tummy problems that you picked up in Morocco.

You Were Sick, and Now You are Well Again and There's Work To Be Done

In college, my friend Matt gave me Vonnegut's novel "Timequake" and told me I had to read it. It's flawed but wonderful, and the basic premise is that there's a Timequake in 2001, and everyone must relive the decade between 1991 and 2001 exactly as he or she led his or her life the first time around. After the Timequake, everyone must re-enact an entire decade of his or her life -- as if people are merely Players, without free will. However, these Players are aware of the fact that they're reliving ten whole years, but since they must do exactly what they did the first time around, and nobody had the foresight during the first 1991-2001 period to ask anyone "What if we are reliving ten whole years of our lives?", the question must remain unasked.

Suddenly, in 2001 (the second time around), the Timequake ends and Free Will returns. People can cease being Players and become Beings once more. And the people are lost and confused and pandemonium ensues. But Kilgore Trout revives the populace by announcing, "You were sick and now you are well again and there's work to be done."

I'm an eternal hippie optimist and I believe in all sorts of Be Here Now principles and the belief that We're All One. And I watched President Bush's address to the nation tonight. And beneath all the propaganda; beneath the continuous reminders that we must be prepared for the acts of Evil Men; beneath all the slimyness and politicking; beneath all the govermental declarations and even beneath the mind-blowing mea culpa, I think he was essentially asking Americans to use the power for good. Beneath all the other hoopla, I think there was a thread of: people need your help, and please do all you can to help these people, in every and any way possible. A thread of: be a human Being and offer what you can to help people who are suffering. Be a Being who acts with wisdom and compassion, and try to help people who are worse off than you are.

And I think it's been a long time since anyone challenged all of America collectively to stop acting only in self-interest and to start acting in order to enhance the greater good. Ever since Bush won the re-election, I think that I and a lot of my friends have been disillusioned about our seemingly-lack of voice in this country's democratic process. We've been depressed and frustrated, as the leader of our country continues to perform acts of such astonshing audacity that the mind reels. It often seems, when faced with the facts and the evidence juxtaposed with the Bush administration's decisions and commands, that the only way to stop one's mind from current-event-induced reeling is to turn to numbness, hurt and exasperation. But I think we have a chance here to mobilize the country into taking a different path. Bushs's approval ratings are way down and I think the 2008 election is going to bring hope and possibility. And I think that the devastation and destruction of the Gulf Coast might be the catalyst that crosses party lines and blurs ideological differences as we all try to help one another -- as I said before, to use the power for good.

So tonight, I'm reminded of Kilgore Trout and his message to the people once Free Will returned: "You were sick, and now you are well again and there's work to be done."

Showy McShow Show Show!

I have a show tonight! Storytelling brutally honest funny ha-ha awesomeness!

Official info:
Bex Schwartz, Liam McEneaney, Jordon Carlos, and Margot Leitman share tales of, ahem, celebrity encounters (aka "starfucking") at tonight's Brutal Honesty!

9 PM at Ottos Shrunken Head, 538 East 14th Street (btw Aves A & B). No cover, no drink minimum, just supportive enthusiastic energy required.

Brutal Honesty is a monthly storytelling series created and hosted by Giulia Rozzi, Lianne Stokes, & Becky Yamamoto.
Wanna know more? email brutalhonestyshow@yahoo.com

While I was away, Hurricane-related emails flooded my inbox

This is a screenshot from the Sky News (UK) coverage of the Hurricane relief efforts.

I think it speaks for itself.

And, regarding the bizarro war going on in the comments section, let me just say this:

I never said Bush was responsible for the Hurricane, you stupid ignorant fuckers. I just think he fucked up royally in terms of handling it. And I also blame his administration. On Wednesday, the 31st, I walked past Spamalot on my way to the subway. There were giant black hummers outside and secret service people walking around all over the place. I put on my best girl-face and asked who was inside. After a little eyelash-batting and hair-twirling, I asked enough questions to find out it was Condoleeza Rice.

Hey, Secretary of State! The lower portion of your country was just destroyed! What are you going to do next? buy some shoes and take in a show!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

a lish, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

Whoops. I accidentally typed "Leaving on a Jew Plane" and didn't catch it til it was almost too late. Tee. So. i'm audi, kids. I'm exhausted, over-stressed, strung-out and my brain is wrung-dry. So I'm going to Spain. Where I will hopefully try to stop watching the news and obsessing and grinding my teeth about how President Bush is such a horrible, horrible person that I really truly think that we are living in the last days of a dying era, an era known as "the free world."

It's a free world, baby.

Hopefully, for a lot longer than I, in the midst of stress, exhaustion and overwhelmedness, can currently foresee.

But I believe that hope is the greatest power because as long we believe that the world can be a better place, it will be. Let's just get this fucker out of office as soon as possible and start behaving as human beings instead of as oil maggots, eh?

In happier news, I got my international driver's license, so I can drive in Spain, where gasoline costs just as much, except it's in euros. Oooh, the exotic euro. And here's my international driver's license photo: (so exotic, si?)((note: i was on my way to work from my boo's house, hence the extreme messiness)).