Wednesday, June 29, 2005
(Woo! When I was traveling through Eastern Europe, I met Colonel Sanders' great-grandson, Chris Sanders, in Prague)
(Woo! Woo! Why is "Colonel" pronounced "Kernel?")
ANYHOODLES -- so, brand relaunch for Kentucky Fried Chicken ... And then they cut to the graphics and the music bed is Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" -- for KENTUCKY Fried Chicken?
They couldn't get "Blue Moon of Kentucky?"
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
If you're in NY and you have Time Warner Cable, it's on channel 155.
But there's no channel 155 now. It goes live on Thursday, 6/30 at 6pm, when we start broadcasting a countdown clock til the official launch at 9pm (8c).
You can go the the Logo website and click "Get Logo" and then type in your zip code and you can find out where Logo will live in your neck of the woods.
Sex may sell, but it won't be selling Logo, MTV Networks' new gay channel, which is beginning on Thursday with little fanfare, after a four-month delay.
Little fanfare? You call four months of working nights and weekends, a bout of bacterial colitis and the fact that I haven't seen my best friends since the winter LITTLE FANFARE?
Motherfuckerpenissucker, that reporter can sit on it and rotate.
Monday, June 27, 2005
And BTW, we launch in three days, mofes.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Journalist: On a more serious note, Reverend Al Sharpton for the first
time took part in the parade, he says a must given the disproportionately high
number of African -Americans, specifically women, suffering from AIDS.
Reverend Al Sharpton: While we celebrate life, we are in an unusual crisis
of HIV-AIDS in the city.
As in, he's marching in the Pride parade because of the AIDS crisis? He's not marching because he's showing support for the community, but because we need to call attention to the AIDS Crisis -- and he chooses to raise awareness by marching in the Pride parade? Not by marching in the other non-LGBT-pride-but-ethnic-pride-nonetheless parades, like that pro-Israel march or the St. Patrick's Day parade or the Italian pride thing? Mmm... marching only in the Gay Pride parade as a political gesture to raise awareness about AIDS ... Isn't that a little close to the way it was in the early 80s, when ignorant people referred to AIDS as the "gay disease" and called it GRID?
I dunno. I totally just watched "And the Band Played On" so it's at the tippy toppy of my brain...
Anyhoodles... Happy Pride, if you're not already into the Shame movement. Logo launches in t-minus 5 days.
I had fun in the sun today, pretending that we were on the beach even though we were really only on a wollen NFL blankie at Riverside park... I can't see the word "riverside" without hearing Billy Joel sing "or up Riverside" -- it's an instant cranial tic. Like singing "Bleeker Street" when I'm on Bleeker Street. Or passing Clinton Street and thinking "there's music on Clinton street all through the morning," or the "you can stand on the arms of the Williamsburg Bridge, crying: hey, man, well this is Babylon," phenomenon. i hearts me some new york. HEARTS!
Hey, the one All Access that I'm TOTALLY stoked to see is "Awesomely Wacky Canada" because I want to see if my moose voice made the final cut. Show drops (Heh) on Friday, stay tuned for further details.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I feel so betrayed. I haven't been so misled since my parents lied to me about something-or-other when I was a kid. Humph.
"Some engaging tidbits"
So here's what I'm hearing about that relationship.
A source VERY close to the deal is saying there's a contract.
It's worth $5 million.
It's for five years.
There will be no sex.
The deal was sealed June 7.
That's what I'm hearing.
There will be NO sex beween those two people. But there WILL be sex between unicorns and dogboys and dryads! (Neither safe for work, nor for preserving your dwindling sense of childhood innocence).
Thank to Josh-via-Jim for that link-to-end-all-links-of-ruining-my-childhood-once-and-for-all.
Fox News wonders about Kate (nee Katie) Holmes' "missing days" (is that like Jesus' missing years?) -- basically, she was all single on April 4th at the Steel Magnolias premiere, then she was single at our Save the Music concert on April 11th and then sometime after that she flew off to LA to talk to Mr. Cruise about a role in M:I3 and then on April 27th, they were madly, googly-boogly in love. What happened during those 16 days?
And now, for your viewing pleasure: TvGasm sets the Tom Cruise facial shot to oh-so-erotic music.
So the MTV talent show was last night and it was awwwwwwwwesomely fun and rad. I sang "We Didn't Start the Fire" backwards to a karaoke track. The whole thing. Breaking a new landspeed record for backwards singing-ish. Apparently, Gilbert Gottfried was impressed. My work here is done.
I am ti-ti-tired, kitties. But, behold: Logo launches in 9 days (not that I'm counting). New York Magazine wrote a lovely article about the channel.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
Fo' reals, though, in re: their engagement and their romance being a publicity stunt or not, it's like an Ourobouros of sorts -- if they're really in love, why does their romance have to be so public and in-yo'-face that it reads like a publicity stunt? Like, just be in love and be happy about it but you don't need to crow about it all the time, eh? Just be on your junket and talk about your movies and keep your personal life info in US Weekly and then let us g-list celebs on VH1 make snarky comments about it. Like -- talk about your movie during the junket and talk about your love life or your 'roids in your blog, like the rest of us do. ... Because I feel like the constant media overload about how very much in love they are kinda cheapens the purity and sanctity of the way they feel about each other ... and so therefore everyone's convinced it's a publicity stunt because it fucking feels like a publicity stunt and the snake-monster just keeps eating its own tail, over and over and over again.
Not like I have any good reason to talk about their relationship or anything, but, fuckin' a, if you're going to grope each other on camera than I can talk about it... if you live your life in the public eye, the public eye gets to snark. Metaphorically.
And, hey, if they're really truly in love after a whirlwind two months of dating, and seeing as they've decided to get married after a whilrwind two months of dating, then all the best to 'em. I feel like one ought to date someone longer than two months before deciding to wed, like at least get to the point in the relationship when you stop being nice and start being real yada yada yada.
I think the angle is: Publicity Stunt or not?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
i'm going to show off my bizarre talents in the MTV talent show on monday. you should come to the show. because it will be fun. i'm not doing standup. nor am i doing a puppet show. so it's safe-for-work. and possibly weird. which is good. i think. hey, 14 days until Logo launches. woo.
MOTHER OF PEARL, Gilbert Gottfried is hosting and frickin' Joe Piscopo is gonna judge. that rocks. "Tony Denono, I can't believe that's your name."
2nd Annual Labs Safe Place to Suck MTV Networks Talent Show
Doors open at 5:30 PM
Show starts at 6:30 PM
More wonderfully strange music, comedy, white and black hip hop, and hard-to-define performances by the bravest MTVN employees. Hosted by Gilbert Gottfried and judged by Joe Piscopo, MC Lyte and Darryl McDaniels of Run DMC. First prize is an appearance on MTV. Bring company ID to get in and personal ID if you want to imbibe.
237 W. 42nd St.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
(sing to the tune of the Mr. Softee jingle)
Oh, who is your neighborhood pizza-in-a-cone man?
His name is Mr. Pizza-in-a-Cone!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
You know, from "Anna Begins" by the Counting Crows? Look, I ain't frontin' here. I really truly liked that album a whole lot when it came out. I used to totally be in love with this guy who lived in the city, and I would take the bus in from NJ and I would listen to my tape of "August and Everything After" (I taped it off my friend Andi's CD) in my little off-brand walkman and I would rewind and rewind and rewind because I liked "Anna Begins" so much. Oh, how that song gives me such a quickening.
Monday, June 13, 2005
From today's Cynopsis: "Ballroom dancing is clearly working for ABC; Fox hopes the same will be true for figure skating. Fox has ordered a new reality show set on the rink with professional skaters and celebs paired in Skating with Celebrities. Fox has ordered 6 eps, per Variety. No word yet on any of the participants."
OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY. I really need to kick it into high gear and become a real "celeb" so I can get booked on this show. Because my true dream has always been to be a figure skater, a beautiful, beautiful figure skater who glides across the ice with the greatest of ease, landing triple lutzes and waving my arms in graceful little swirly moves.
This photo illustrated an article I wrote when I was 19, entitled "Lutzing to Eternity." It was about my attempt to compete in the 1998 Olympics in Nagano, Japan. As you see, I was still "Becky" back then. As you can also see, I photoshopped my head on top of Nancy Kerrigan's body.
Actually, here, I'll cut and paste the article, because the ol' Grail site uses frames and it's confusing.
"Lutzing Into Eternity" --Our candidate for Slovenia's next national hero.
by Becky Schwartz (age 19)
Michelle Kwan started skating at age five after watching her brother practice hockey. When Tara Lipinski was three, her mom took her to a roller rink for a free Care Bears giveaway and thus was born a gold-medal career. Nicole Bobek turned to skating at age three after first pursuing professional gymnastics, ballet and modern dance. These lovely ladies of figure skating made it to the Olympics. I'm nineteen. My brother doesn't play hockey. My mom hates the Care Bears. And I can't even do a cartwheel. To hell with the oddsI'm going to be an Olympic figure skater. I've sent letters to eight governments of foreign countries. Next stop: Nagano, Japan. (See below*.)
Monday, December 22: Today I start training. I've heard that professional skaters get up before dawn to get valuable hours of rink time. No problem. It's 11:30 and I'm off to a vigorous workout. Downstairs. With Jake, as in "Body By." We work the abs and pecs. Michelle skates for six hours a day, but since I've just started, I think I'll take a nap instead. Because there is no ice rink nearby, and I don't know how to skate anyway, I've decided that my kitchen makes an acceptable substitute.
Saturday, December 27: Watched eight hours of figure skating on TV. Bushed.
Sunday, December 28: Completed a rigorous eighteen-hour marathon of figure skating. Dilemma: Discover Stars on Ice and Battle of the Sexes are on at the same time. Solution: Flip between the two, don't watch the instant replays and change channels whenever Verne Lundquist analyzes style.
Tuesday, December 30: Time to kick it into high gear. Can finally distinguish the jumps you have to face forward for a lutz and backward for an axel. Not sure about the toe loops. The Salchow is, I think, a toe loop with an extra elbow wobble. Might need to research that. From the Recreational Figure Skating FAQ archive: "The Salchow starts from an 'open' LFO 3-turn followed by a strong check on the LBI edge. Leaving your hip open will extend your free leg behind you in the direction of travel. As the skating leg rises after the check, the free leg and shoulders are released (swung around) and the skater jumps, landing on a RBO edge after one rotation." No problem.
Monday, January 5: Salchowed my hips into an acute attack of bursitis. Out of commission for a few days.
Thursday, January 8: Nailed the camel spin for the first time. What a way to start '98. Looks like this just might be the year of the Schwartz. According to the Skating Archive, when executing the camel spin, "The upper body should be pushed, forced counterclockwise, as you are moving your arm. You can get a fast spin without a lot of speed on entry if you coordinate the body well, but speed on entry doesn't hurt either." If I push off from the refrigerator and avoid careening into the stove, I can complete a full rotation. The speed-on-entry phenomenon is a little difficult to master, but I know that with practice I'll get it. The Hamill Camel, pioneered by hairstyle goddess Dorothy Hamill, involves rotating your torso to achieve different angles. Dorothy didn't have any breasts. Damn.
Saturday, January 10: Fourteen more hours of skating-viewing under the belt. Still haven't hit the ice. Keeping in shape, though. According to the Skater's Fitness Guide, my objectives are: to improve strength, endurance and flexibility; to improve difficulty of jumps performed towards the end of the free program; to lose fat; and to avoid injury.
Sunday, January 11: Avoiding injury, I narrowly escaped a collision with the back door after the cat's waterbowl interfered with my death spiral. Note to self: very difficult to complete a death spiral without a partner, but if you hold onto a towel rack it gets easier. I'm practicing on the kitchen floor. If you rub your feet with butter, you get the same effect. Fun fact: Midori Ito, gold medalist, once jumped over the guardrail and into the camera pit. She still took fourth. Still haven't heard back as to whether I've made the team.
Wednesday, January 14: The lutz is when you stick your foot out and the axel is when you pull it in. Or vice versa. Not sure. Lutzed down the driveway and into a snowdrift. Axeled through the 7-11. Not allowed back. No problem. Good skaters don't eat Slurpees at 3 am, so I won't either. Good skaters also have coaches and a pair of ice skates, but these are only minor setbacks.
Saturday, January 17: More skating on TV. Michelle Kwan steals the gold at the Worlds! Tara was crushed. I think she's better athletically, but Michelle's got the grace and elegance. I think the problem is that Tara looks like an elf and the judges really went for Michelle's sexy Pocahontas number. I've seen each of their routines nineteen times now. My directing teacher says that the best way to learn how to direct is to steal from other people, so I'm following that advice and incorporating aspects of their performances into my own choreography. That triple axeltriple toe loop combo is a bitch. Time to jack up those leg lifts.
Wednesday January 21: Still haven't heard from any countries and Nagano is getting closer and closer. Finished choreographing today. I'm the first American woman to land a quadruple! A quadruple is when you spin four times in the air and then land. I can spin four times in the air; I just have to jump between each spin. On the way to the gold. Practicing victory speeches: "This is going out to all the oppressed people of my country who sacrificed so much to get me here." "This is so corny."
Friday, January 23: I asked Eric [Ducker, co-editor of GRAIL] to take out the competition and bitch slap Chen Lu. He said no. Damn. Triple lutzed into the power table at the café. The leotard should cover the bruise.
Sunday, January 25: Not sure if this Olympic dream is happening. No problem. Couldn't take the Intro to Skating course because it overlaps with my religion class. The end of the world vs. sequins and tights. Maybe I can wear the outfit to class? Haven't gotten on the ice yet, but I wiped out in the backyard.
Wednesday, January 28: Andrus Field is frozen over, so I taped rulers to the bottom of my shoes and hit the rink. The rulers broke, and I think I may have bruised a rib. Tried calling Slovenia but couldn't get connected. I'm thinking that my original routine might be a little lacking in the presentation departmentthinking of choreographing to some new, avant-garde composition by someone in the Newsonic Concert Series. Maybe I could commission something along the lines of, "Experimental Music by Which to Win the Gold and Capture America's Collective Heart and Get Your Face on a Wheaties Box."
Sunday, February 1: Don't think I'm going to Nagano after all. No one's come through and I'm pretty swamped. I'll give them two more days, and if I don't get any offers, I'll give up. Still haven't mastered the one foot figure eight. For that matter, still haven't mastered skating. Which reminds mestill haven't gotten on the ice.
*December 22, 1997
Dear Secretary of State;
It has come to my attention that your fine country is (as yet) unrepresented in the upcoming 1998 Winter Olympics to be held this February in Nagano, Japan. I am writing to propose myself as your one-woman figure-skating "Dream Team." If you agree to allow me to skate for your country, I will immediately establish residency and begin training. I assume, of course, that you will grant me spontaneous citizenship.
As of now, I have no physical skating experience aside from a one-time camp reunion skating party at the rink at Rye Playland. However, I have spent the last few weeks carefully analyzing and memorizing all of the maneuvers -- the lutzes, the toe loops, the flips, the salchows and so on. I have been practicing the camel-into-sit-spin move in my kitchen. I have already choreographed my original routine to the Titanic theme song. I have even developed a new jump -- it resembles a double axel except for the fact that I sometimes fall down. However, upon perfection, I will gladly name this jump after you and the 1998 Winter Olympics will forever be remembered for your contribution to the fantastic world of figure skating.
Please respond as soon as I possible, for I must make travel arrangements; obtain a visa, give my cat away; etc. I look forward to moving to your splendid country and I plan to fashion my skating outfit after your traditional native costume. Thank you very much.
[enclosure: photo of Rebecca Beth Schwartz, future gold medalist]
Friday, June 10, 2005
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
June 6, 2005 -- What is it with the Internet Movie Database (IMDB.com) and bogus actors' credits? Last March, Demi Moore's IMDB "credits" included an upcoming (fall) role on Fox's "The O.C." — months before anyone knew if the show was even coming back for another season. The listing was false, and was quickly deleted. Then, late last week, IMDB had Samuel L. Jackson guest-starring as "Bernard" in the season premiere of ABC's "Lost," in an episode titled "Genesis: Part 1" — also featuring an appearance by past "Survivor" winner Tina Wesson playing "Alex Rousseau," according to IMDB.
An ABC spokesman con firmed that the "Lost" credits for Jackson and Wesson were bogus. I mean, Tina Wesson?
IMDB seems to have fixed it, but look: Skye McCole Bartusiak plays Young Kate! Skye was just on House as a pregnant diver who didn't have meningitis, but perhaps you'll remember her from "24" season 2, when she played Megan Matheson, the most annoying girl ever in the entire history of the universe, ever to be on television, to the extent that every week we were rooting for some bad guy to just shoot the damn kid who never stopped crying. Fuck yeah! Every week, we were all, "Shoot the kid! Shoot the kid!" but they never did, and she just kept on crying and crying.
I don't condone shooting kids, but this was a very "can't you keep that chicken quiet" moment and if a fictional bad guy had shot a fictional brat, it would've made the show that much better, and I bet we wouldn't have had to deal with the whole Kim's-stuck-in-a-trap-and-there's-a-cougar shizzy.
Monday, June 06, 2005
ANYHOO! I probably won't get to tell him that because I'll be discussing popcultural tomfoolery like the MTV Video Awards and TomKat and Paris Squared. Because, you know me, I bring you the shiznit that matters.
The show is this Thursday from 5-6 on MSNBC (set your tivo!). And it's LIVE, which means I'll be sitting in a little box somewhere talking to a camera. AWESOME. I wonder if it's delayed at all, or if I have to watch my mouth lest I get slapped with an fine from the FCC for talking about how the concept of Tom Cruise fucking Katie Holmes is just as believable as the idea that Scientology is not icky at all.
Around these parts, we heart Linda Perry not just for her Top Ten songwriting and producing skills but because she is so lesbionic. And you should hear her sing Led Zeppelin -- kickrad.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Joel and Jackie told us about their plans to get a pet goat -- it's the happiest goat in the world, apparently, as evidenced by the expression of sheer joy on its face as it sproings several feet into the air. Seeing as Joel lives in a small flat in North London, the goat will have to live on the roof. And thus it shall be a roofgoat, because there are no clauses in his lease preventing the presence of a roofgoat. And when it rains, the roofgoatherd will wear a giant sombrero that's so big it covers the whole roof, thus protecting the roofgoat from the elements. Standing on an English roof, waiting for the sun -- if the sun don't come, your roofgoat gets a tan from standing in the English rain. Anyhooski -- the sombrero will be so large that it will be an uber-sombrero: an umbrero, if you will.
Alas, I'm incredibly tired -- I have way too much phlegm and it makes me nauseated and then I get tired from being nauseated. My long-suffering boyfriend continues to be a trouper throughout my seemingly-neverending health problems, bless his little soul. I went home to the Dirty Jerz today to see my grandmother, who is visiting my 'rents because they all went to a bar mitzvah (my dad's cousin's son -- is that my 2nd cousin once removed? Or no relation to me at all?) and we drank wine on the back deck. Hooray, hooray, summer is here (ostensibly).
And fuckmycock, it's June 5th. Logo launches in 25 days. Yeeks. I'm workin' the gherkin crizazystillz for the next few weeks, so please bear with my busyness and keep those cards and letters coming. Thank you all for taking me up on my challenge to send me haikus -- I lovelovelovelovity love 'em.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
If you want to Gmail me, you'll find the address down on the right somewhere under the "3..2..1 Contact" category. Haiku, lovenotes and song lyrics about me are always welcome.
Anyhoo ... so the show was kickrad. The theme was "I said yes: drugs, drinking and the downward spiral" and I told a long and debaucherous story about my nastypast and people laughed a lot and it felt really good and it made me want to get back on stage again because making people laugh is all I really want to do, other than making them think or making them squirm, both of which are also things I enjoy doing. I also enjoy dancing and drinking beverages through little teeny-tiny straws, thanks for asking.
So I was just talking to my buddypal Mike, who left me a voicemail last night that said, "I thought that you were sick until I looked on your blog and saw you standing under a rainbow." He went on to note that such a sentence would make a fabulous song title. Write the song, Mike, write the song!
And so it goes on and on ... Logo launches in less than a month and we're kicking into overdrive. It's like finals time only a lot more intense. And a lot more gay.
Hotness: for my Lost-watching peops out there -- have you rocked this site yet? So many hidden easter eggs of nougatty goodness, like the white yummy on the inside of a Cadbury egg (because when bunnies lay eggs, they taste AWESOME!)