Monday, October 16, 2006

Things I Hate

There are many things in life of which I am not so found. Such items of my detestation include:
* Water chestnuts
* Olives
* The noise the subway makes when it brakes (or breaks, but I'm sure the sound of a breaking subway would be so spectacular I almost wouldn't hate it)
* Crying babies
* War
* Steely Dan (the band, not the dildo)

There are also many things in life that make me cry. Such items of my lacrimation include:
* The end of "Boys on the Side"
* The black and white segment of "The Wizard of Oz"
* That scene in "13 going on 30" when Jennifer Garner goes home and crawls in bed with her parents because she's so, so sad
* When I am really, really frustrated with problems that are out of my control
* When I feel like a major drag because I have a a perma-migraine
* Getting yelled at

But there is one thing in life that makes me cry because I hate it so much.

And that, friends, is the horrible-horrible song "Found a Peanut."

You can find the lyrics right here, but I'd really only advise reading them if you want to cry. And you can right-click-save-as right here if you want to be terribly tormented whilst reading this blog entry.

In fact, just thinking about "Found a Peanut" makes my eyes well up with tears. Alas, it becomes so difficult to type these words, as I imagine the horror the horror that is "Found a Peanut."

My parents used to sing this song on car trips and I would cry.

And then sometimes we'd be over for dinner at a friend's house and my parents would make the other grown-ups sing "Found a Peanut" and then I would cry.

I'm sure, for the record, that if this were a normal phobia, like, say, fear of dogs, my parents wouldn't have asked other grown-ups to throw dogs at me, but I'm sure everyone was quite entertained that just singing, "Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut last night" would make me cry. Copiously.

My parents often asked me why "Found a Peanut" made me cry. And I think, many years later, that the song upset me so frakking much because it has the world's worst moral. The song says that the peanut-eater got a tummyache and went to the hospital and had an operation and then he DIED. Despite the best administrations of the doctors and the hospital stuff.

WTF, yo?

No wonder I hate going to doctors. And don't trust them at all. Because
a) when I was 13 (going on 30) and I had a tumor in my lip, this suckfest doctor from my hometown removed it but he removed it wrong and it GREW BACK and I had to have it removed again and now I have a scar under my lip and a predilection for wearing dark lipstick
b) why bother going to a doctor when you're just going to die anyway, as exemplified by "Found a Peanut" ???

PS: Fret not, I am currently under three doctors' care for my perma-migraines. So I have somewhat gotten over my doctor distrust/hatred. Especially because my neurologist went to Wesleyan so I have to love him.

PPS: Incidentally, even though "Found a Peanut" is sung to the same tune as "Oh My Darlin' Clementine," I have no problems hearing anyone sing about Clementine. It's just when you stick peanut-centric lyrics in there that I will start to bawl.

mp3 download: Found a Peanut by the Countdown Kids.


Jake said...

Way to work frak into your blog...

Anonymous said...

Will the RIAA lock me up for downloading your Peanut song... not the Peanut Dildo

Way to work jake in to the comments, Jake.

Julio said...

Yeah, all of us who downloaded that are going to jail. Well, I suppose I had it coming.