Thursday, November 09, 2006

An Open Letter to Lost

Dear Lost:
Admittedly, you are no Next Top Model, nor are you Battlestar Galactica. However, in a television season that has offered potentially awesome shows that kind of suck (ahem, Studio 60), shows with wonderful concepts but gutterbutt awful writing (I'm looking at you, Heroes), and a show about post-apocalyptic-ness that I wanted to love but couldn't even make it through the pilot (suck it, Jericho), you're still worth watching.

I mean, honestly, I love this bidness with the Others so much, I don't even care what's going on back at the beach with what's-his-face hobbit and the blondie with the possibly Satanic kid.

But, honestly, Lost - I defended you all last season even when you were almost painfully bad. I held out while I was waiting for you to kill off Michelle Rodriguez (seriously: worst. character. ever, although Monique from this cycle of Top Model came close) and I even refrained from mouth-barfing when Shannon got shot after acting on her jungle fever (get it?). But I'm kind of over it, Lost.

Firstly: you call that a cliffhanger? I can sum it up in one word, and that word is: meh.

Secondly: I can't believe you would stoop so low as to invoke that old horror movie cliche about if you fuck, then you die. I mean, really? Sawyer and Kate shag and then you're threatening to kill one of them? That's so Halloween/ Friday the 13th / Nightmare on Elm Street / Scream / Scary Movie 6. And also: they got out of their cages and instead of bolting, they shagged? So now Kate's totally got Ana Lucia's genital warts because you just *know* Sawyer was barebacking with both of them? Ewww.

Also, hey, Kate, so you know: cervical cancer? It's caused by a virus. That same virus that's living in those genital warts you got from Sawyer's penis, which got them from Ana Lucia's vagina. I know you're stranded on some island somewhere, so maybe you haven't seen those commercials. They keep telling me to tell someone, so I'm telling you.


Thirdly, Lost: what the fuck?
What the fuck about:
* The four-toed statue
* Miss Clugh
* All the kids the Others took?
* the grungy barefoot ninja walking others?
* The horse?
* The afore-mentioned possibly satanic kid?
* The bird that cried Hurley's name?
* If the Others are on a whole DIFFERENT island, how did:
A: Goodwin and Ethan Rom get to the other island so quickly?
B: How did the Others get Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Hurley to their island?
C: Why are the Others barefoot ninja walking all over the other island?
D: Why did they take Rousseau's kid, but never bother Rousseau?
E: Did the Others know about Clancy Brown?

You know, really truly, Lost, I want to love you but you make it so damn hard.

With fondness, although if you think you detect a note of coldness, you are correct,


Timotab said...

Remember when Ben said he'd conned Sawyer? The Con wasn't just about the pacemaker but also about the fact they're on a separate island.

Anonymous said...

Free yourself.