The Only Time I Will Ever Appear in the New Yorker

Woohoo!

The Greek word Arktos, meaning “bear”, is the origin of the word Arctic. Antarctica means “no bears."

How did I never know this? Isn't this one of those awesomesauce facts they teach you in elementary school to convince you that learning is fun-damental? Thank the stars I felt compelled to check and see if the Central Park Zoo has polar bears -- it does. I am going to go visit them as soon as possible. Polar bears!

From their website:

Polar Bear (Ursus Maritimus)

Zoo collection includes: Gus and Ida, both born in late 1985 at a facility in Buffalo, New York. They have been at the Central Park Zoo since it opened in August of 1988 and are two of its biggest stars.

Found in the wild: Along the coasts and inland streams and lakes of Alaska and Canada, Greenland, Norway and Siberia. The Greek word Arktos, meaning “bear”, is the origin of the Arctic name. Antarctica means “no bears”, so do not believe those commercials that feature a polar bear and a penguin together. It just isn’t true, they live on opposite ends of the earth.

The more you know! DING. Antarctica means NO BEARS. Honestly? Screw you, Antarctica. I love me some bears. I LOVE BEARS.

Tribal Council Song

I sing this song when I watch Survivor! Usually I sing it in my head. But I decided to sing it out loud, because, heck, I can either be FULL OF RAGE or FULL OF DOING THINGS. So I am doing things. Despite their stupidity. If you watch Survivor with me, we can sing it together.

Lutzing Into Enternity

In honor of tonight's Opening Ceremonies (I am an uber-dork about the Winter Olympics), I thought it would be nice to reprint an article I wrote in 1997, when the Nagano Olympics were mere moments away.

Lutzing Into Eternity

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Our candidate for Slovenia's next national hero.

by Becky Schwartz
 
      Michelle Kwan started skating at age five after watching her brother practice hockey. When Tara Lipinski was three, her mom took her to a roller rink for a free Care Bears giveaway and thus was born a gold-medal career. Nicole Bobek turned to skating at age three after first pursuing professional gymnastics, ballet and modern dance. These lovely ladies of figure skating made it to the Olympics. I'm nineteen. My brother doesn't play hockey. My mom hates the Care Bears. And I can't even do a cartwheel. To hell with the odds­! I'm going to be an Olympic figure skater. I've sent letters to eight governments of foreign countries. Next stop: Nagano, Japan. (See below.)
Monday, December 22: Today I start training. I've heard that professional skaters get up before dawn to get valuable hours of rink time. No problem. It's 11:30 and I'm off to a vigorous workout. Downstairs. With Jake, as in "Body By." We work the abs and pecs. Michelle skates for six hours a day, but since I've just started, I think I'll take a nap instead. Because there is no ice rink nearby, and I don't know how to skate anyway, I've decided that my kitchen makes an acceptable substitute.
Saturday, December 27: Watched eight hours of figure skating on TV. Bushed.
Sunday, December 28: Completed a rigorous eighteen-hour marathon of figure skating. Dilemma: Discover Stars on Ice and Battle of the Sexes are on at the same time. Solution: Flip between the two, don't watch the instant replays and change channels whenever Verne Lundquist analyzes style.
Tuesday, December 30: Time to kick it into high gear. Can finally distinguish the jumps -- ­ you have to face forward for a lutz and backward for an axel. Not sure about the toe loops. The Salchow is, I think, a toe loop with an extra elbow wobble. Might need to research that. From the Recreational Figure Skating FAQ archive: "The Salchow starts from an 'open' LFO 3-turn followed by a strong check on the LBI edge. Leaving your hip open will extend your free leg behind you in the direction of travel. As the skating leg rises after the check, the free leg and shoulders are released (swung around) and the skater jumps, landing on a RBO edge after one rotation." No problem.
Monday, January 5: Salchowed my hips into an acute attack of bursitis. Out of commission for a few days.
Thursday, January 8: Nailed the camel spin for the first time. What a way to start '98. Looks like this just might be the year of the Schwartz. According to the Skating Archive, when executing the camel spin, "The upper body should be pushed, forced counterclockwise, as you are moving your arm. You can get a fast spin without a lot of speed on entry if you coordinate the body well, but speed on entry doesn't hurt either." If I push off from the refrigerator and avoid careening into the stove, I can complete a full rotation. The speed-on-entry phenomenon is a little difficult to master, but I know that with practice I'll get it. The Hamill Camel, pioneered by hairstyle goddess Dorothy Hamill, involves rotating your torso to achieve different angles. Dorothy didn't have any breasts. Damn.
Saturday, January 10: Fourteen more hours of skating-viewing under the belt. Still haven't hit the ice. Keeping in shape, though. According to the Skater's Fitness Guide, my objectives are: to improve strength, endurance and flexibility; to improve difficulty of jumps performed towards the end of the free program; to lose fat; and to avoid injury.
Sunday, January 11: Avoiding injury, I narrowly escaped a collision with the back door after the cat's waterbowl interfered with my death spiral. Note to self: very difficult to complete a death spiral without a partner, but if you hold onto a towel rack it gets easier. I'm practicing on the kitchen floor. If you rub your feet with butter, you get the same effect. Fun fact: Midori Ito, gold medalist, once jumped over the guardrail and into the camera pit. She still took fourth. Still haven't heard back as to whether I've made the team.
Wednesday, January 14: The lutz is when you stick your foot out and the axel is when you pull it in. Or vice versa. Not sure. Lutzed down the driveway and into a snowdrift. Axeled through the 7-11. Not allowed back. No problem. Good skaters don't eat Slurpees at 3 am, so I won't either. Good skaters also have coaches and a pair of ice skates, but these are only minor setbacks.
Saturday, January 17: More skating on TV. Michelle Kwan steals the gold at the Worlds! Tara was crushed. I think she's better athletically, but Michelle's got the grace and elegance. I think the problem is that Tara looks like an elf and the judges really went for Michelle's sexy Pocahontas number. I've seen each of their routines nineteen times now. My directing teacher says that the best way to learn how to direct is to steal from other people, so I'm following that advice and incorporating aspects of their performances into my own choreography. That triple axel/­triple toe loop combo is a bitch. Time to jack up those leg lifts.
Wednesday January 21: Still haven't heard from any countries and Nagano is getting closer and closer. Finished choreographing today. I'm the first American woman to land a quadruple! A quadruple is when you spin four times in the air and then land. I can spin four times in the air; I just have to jump between each spin. On the way to the gold. Practicing victory speeches: "This is going out to all the oppressed people of my country who sacrificed so much to get me here." "This is so corny."
Friday, January 23: I asked Eric [Ducker, co-editor of GRAIL] to take out the competition and bitch slap Chen Lu. He said no. Damn. Triple lutzed into the power table at the café. The leotard should cover the bruise.
Sunday, January 25: Not sure if this Olympic dream is happening. No problem. Couldn't take the Intro to Skating course because it overlaps with my religion class. The end of the world vs. sequins and tights. Maybe I can wear the outfit to class? Haven't gotten on the ice yet, but I wiped out in the backyard.
Wednesday, January 28: Andrus Field is frozen over, so I taped rulers to the bottom of my shoes and hit the rink. The rulers broke, and I think I may have bruised a rib. Tried calling Slovenia but couldn't get connected. I'm thinking that my original routine might be a little lacking in the presentation department­thinking of choreographing to some new, avant-garde composition by someone in the Newsonic Concert Series. Maybe I could commission something along the lines of, "Experimental Music by Which to Win the Gold and Capture America's Collective Heart and Get Your Face on a Wheaties Box."
Sunday, February 1: Don't think I'm going to Nagano after all. No one's come through and I'm pretty swamped. I'll give them two more days, and if I don't get any offers, I'll give up. Still haven't mastered the one foot figure eight. For that matter, still haven't mastered skating. Which reminds me­ -- still haven't gotten on the ice.

36 Songs Using the Same 4 Chords

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

It will probably come as no surprise to you to learn that these are my FAVORITE 4 CHORDS.

So, if you would ever like to write a song for me, odds are really good I'll like it a whole lot if it uses this chord progression.

Fuck that Man's Last Stand bullshit

That Dodge Charger spot in the superbowl about how hard it to be a man so you deserve a fucking sports car made me soooooooo angry! Seriously? It's soooooo difficult to be a man and to get along with your partner and share responsibilities? And I am just in an angry place. Call me kneejerk, but I made an instant slapdash dirty response.

The original:


My reaction:

This Thing Looks Like That Thing

I say this with the utmost of affection and admiration because I think Nick Kroll is just a fantastically amazingly funny person, but I was watching RuPaul's Drag Race and the man-who-plays-Tatiana looks so much like Nick Kroll that for a second I thought it was. And if it's not, then think of the fun they can have making videos together.

Although Tatiana does not look like Nick Kroll. Just in case you were wondering.

Walrus Hats

You know, when you're crossing the north pole with a curtain rod and an old duck, you need to stay warm. You might need to wear a walrus hat. This means nothing to you but I am tremendously entertained by it.

Parents of Awesome

I forgot that I submitted this, but look, here is official internet proof that my parents were awesome (note: my dad is still very awesome).

When my dad sent this to me, he captioned it "newlyweds," which means that they were both a whole lot younger when this photo was taken than I will ever be.

note: mom was the awesomest, too.

The Goat That Says What

Thanks to @JoshFrench, this has basically made this Monday afternoon the greatest Monday afternoon of all time (after jurorcat, and all).

I'm on a list!

Today I am happy like a cat! Or like a blue catperson who lives in a glowy, glowy world full of magical beasts with which one can communicate by plugging one's hair into their genitalia-like regions! Look, there's little ol' (not-blue, not-catperson) me (@starbex) on this list of terrific tweets! Mothersmusher!

And also. Here is a photo of a monk using an ATM!

And here is that slapchop infomercial turned into a rap.

For the Person Who Has Everything

via Catbird. Tumblr., one of those things that you see and you're like "this is so obvious and perfect, why have I never seen this before?"

The Greatest Thing on the Internets Today

A VH1 reality show bus overturns, "spilling more than 2,000 lbs. of slut" onto the interstate. The Onion reports: (via @vultureblog)


VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

Photos from Thailand and Laos

I done went traveling! If you're at all interested in looking at hundreds of photos of Thailand and Laos (and who wouldn't be?), go to my shutterfly site!

Deception Pass!

I am trying to make "Deception Pass" happen. To be used when you've been hoodwinked, swindled, shock 'n' awed, bamboozled, cheated, lied to, or generally psyched out.

The actual Deception Pass is a strait of water between Whidbey Island (not really an island! or something. I am still confused.  DECEPTION PASS!) and Fidalgo Island in Washington, somewhere outside of Seattle (someone else was driving).  Look at this bridge spanning Deception Pass! There ought to be Lost Boys dangling from it, or Sparklevamps playing superbaseball or something.

Anyway, the point being that "Deception Pass" is very fun to say! Like "Man, the sign at Tailor said the kitchen was re-opening in September and now the chef's gone and they will never serve me deliciously weird food ever again." DECEPTION PASS!

Or, you know, like "That boy said he was going to call me and then he NEVER CALLED! Deception Pass!"

Or "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me and lying about it. DECEPTION PASS!"

Or even "Those morningstar corndogs are NOT actually vegan! DECEPTION PASS!"

Use it three times and its yours! Go forth and make it happen. (Please? For me?)

Cyndi Lauper Dressed as a Kitty (with Anne Boleyn and a Time Bandit)

Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good

I had the sads but then I watched this and now I have the happies:



(via Videogum)

"I Know Where the Red Fern Grows" - a poem, by Maya Angelou.

"Where the Red Fern Grows" came up last night and just this afternoon. I don't need to explain it, because you get it -- you remember: dogs, coons (as in actual raccoons), mountain lion, dog heartbreak, red fern. You cried a lot when you read it. Sometimes you are in a lot of pain due to a herniated disc in your neck and these things start to happen:

and then, of course, this eventually happens:

You're welcome.

It's not really depression if you still wash your hair, right?

I'm depressed. But, I washed my hair! People on tv who are depressed never wash their hair. Ergo, I'm not really depressed, right?

Man. I looked for photos to prove this theory but the internet is no help when it comes to google-imaging "depressed tv characters with unwashed hair." Bummers.

Bex Directs

I made a blog to showcase stuff that I directed (hire me, hint hint, hint hint). I could have been trendy and used tumblr but I decided to go super retro old-school and rock the blogger. So!

Please tell everyone you know.

http://bexdirects.blogspot.com/