A Word of Warning

Friends:
In these difficult and war-torn times, I fear there is only one maxim of wisdom to which we can turn for hope for the future:

Avoid the Noid, people. Avoid the motherfracking noid.

Avoid the Noid!

The Real Ernie

My friend Dean and I were just discussing what scares kids when they're little. F'rinstance, Dean's kids were terrified by Large Marge in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure." Honestly, I was scared, too. But I saw this movie only after it came out on VHS, and all my friends who had seen it in the theater warned me that once you heard Large Marge say:

"On this very night, ten years ago, along the same stretch of road, in a dense fog JUST LIKE THIS ... I saw the worst ... accident ... I ever seen!"

well, once you heard those words, then you knew it was time to cover your eyes.
Rightfully so, I'd say.

And Dean himself was terrified by the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Can you blame him?

I don't remember anything I was particularly afraid of, other than nuclear apocalypse, dogs, drowning, getting stuck in elevators and burning up in a housefire (Thanks, episode of Webster called "Burn Out.") Oh, also, I was scared of Duncan in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, when he comes riding back on a horse and he has no eyes. Duncan has no eyes. The horse has eyes. But the horse potentially has no name. It happens often, from what I hear. The circumstance of nameless horses, that is. I also had a recurring nightmare wherein I was figure skating during the Winter Olympics and people were screaming and screaming and SCREAMING at me as I was disappearing into the ice. This is the fever dream that repeats every time I have the flu, in some way or another. It's always about SOMETHINGNESS being destroyed by NOTHINGNESS. In this case, it was the ice taking over the entire Olympics stadium. When I was in college, I had a fever that was so high that I deleriously heard voices telling me that I was a hibakusha, an atomic bomb victim and that I was slowly dying of radiation poisoning. It happens.

But my little brother, Adam ... He was terrified -- TERRIFIED -- of something he called "The Real Ernie."

Think back, if you can, to a sketch on Sesame Street where Ernie and Bert explored a pyramid. Do you remember the Egyptian statue that looked just like Ernie, and tap-tap-tapped him on the shoulder with his Egyptian staff thing? That Egyptian statue thing was what my brother called THE REAL ERNIE. And he (my brother, not The Real Ernie) would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and we would ask him what the matter was. And he would sputter, "The Real Ernie! The Real Ernie!"

And so, without further ado: Here is The Real Ernie.

Look Who's Pretending to be A Pelican!

IMG_0940.jpg, originally uploaded by starbexxx.

That's me on the left. That's a pelican on the right. Can you tell the difference? I sure can't.

Whoopsie! I meant to say: "I sure pelican't!"

Florda Was Very Very Very Cold

And that is why I vaguely resemble the Unabomber in this photo.

Did you miss me?

Also, did you see Britney Spears freaking out on an SUV with a green umbrella? Classic!

Join Oomph RIGHT NOW and We'll Go On Vacation Together

Sign up for Oomph! Send me to the Dominican Republic!

Seriously!
Join OOMPH! Be my friend!

As you all know, I'm blogging about the culture of pop (it's similar to the business known as show) over on Oomph, which is a brand new social network thing. If you join RIGHT NOW because I referred you, I could potentially win a free vacation. I am stressed, depressed, and a total mess, so you should click this link:
http://www.oomph.net/invite/bexschwartz
and become an Oomph member. Then we can go on vacation together. Eh? Eh?

Rock 'em, sock 'em,
bex

Be my friend, send me to the DR! Please!!!

And feel free to send this link to all your friends and tell them to become my friend, too: (just copy and paste) http://www.oomph.net/invite/bexschwartz

TV Thoughts Over on Oomph

Yo People:
I'm audi 5 - off to visit my grandmother in Florida. Woo. Don'be that jealous, it's 44 degrees there. But at least it's not 4 degrees! But I went out and bought five new tanktops today because I am a total idiot who assumed (and we all know what assuming does) that it would be 80 degrees there. Alas and alack.

Anyway, if you're jonesing for a BexFix, I've blogged about Lost and Gr'anatomy over at my Oomph blog.

Catch you on Tuesday! Lator, gators!

Oh boy, off to Florida, land of the Yearling!

Whiplash, the Cowboy Monkey

I'm going to Florida to visit my grandmother, and she lives not far from a chimp farm, where they take care of retired chimpanzees and other primates.

I'm not entirely sure how this happened, but I've been link-jumping and I ended up at a page about Whiplash, the Cowboy monkey. According to the site:

Whiplash the Cowboy monkey is truly a fan favorite, he is an international star and a true cowboy. He is an 18 yr old Capuchin Monkey and he is one of the biggest little monkeys in the world. Whiplash has been riding since he was two yrs old and has been a part of our family since he was born. Whiplash travels the country herding up wild Barbados sheep at rodeos and special events. His riding ability is unmatched and his herding skills unchallenged but whiplash never misses a chance to show his monkey heritage as he rides the dog he will pull the saddle from side to side and even hang off to one side mimicking an Indian hideaway.

Just look at him! His little hat makes my womb ache!

I mean, seriously!

I think I'm in love! He's a MONKEY COWBOY! WHO RIDES A DOG! A BORDER COLLIE, IMPORTED FROM SCOTLAND, TO BE EXACT!


Update: buy me merch!

King Philip Came Over From Germany Skinny

King Phillip came over from Germany Skinny.

Kingdom Phylum Class Order Family Genus Species.

(I truly never thought I'd need such a mnumonic in my grown-up life, but we were at the dog show tonight and suddenly it became relevant.

Anna Nicole Smith is Dead. Long Live Anna Nicole Smith!

Oh, Anna Nicole. We hardly knew ye. I only met you once, backstage at Big in 04, where you seemed not-quite-lucid and your entourage needed to prop you up. And now you're gone. I'm sorry, Anna Nicole, that I made fun of you on at least 8 television shows. I did it out of love, Anna - OUT OF LOVE! And now you've left this world, and so, dear Anna Nicole, I salute you with the way I remember you best:

Lookeeloo! A Promo for Oomph

So, kitties, you all know I've been blogging for the Oomph.

And, look! Here I am in a promo for Oomph! Doesn't it make you want to sign up RIGHT NOW?


For reals! Go rock Oomph RIGHT NOW!

Spend Valentine's Day with VH1!

Someone ALREADY put my Valentine's Day spot up on youtube! Someone who is not me! Amay-may!

I wrote and directed this bad boy. It stars my two friends Josh and Tom, and it makes me laugh harder than just about anything.

Bizarre Astronaut Love Triangle

As can be easily expected, I am obsessed with the tale of the CRAZY-in-LOVE astronaut who drove 14 hours in diapers to go attempt to kidnap the woman who was ALSO "involved" with the stud astronaut, Bill. And also, of course, that the crazy-in-love astronaut is married with three kids. And also, OF COURSE, that she was clearly going to kill her romantic rival. AND ALSO: because she clearly has a serious case of SPACE MADNESS.
So, look! I just learned how to do this:
I made an ORGANIC MASHUP (meaning: I didn't edit anything, I literally mashed up a song and some news footage) of the BIZARRE ASTRONAUT LOVE TRIANGLE.

Behold: (I think it's both epic and beautiful).

Oh Yes! Randy Newman Sticks It To The Man! As Only a Paragon of Awesomeness Can!

Lyrics:
I’d like to say a few words
In defense of our country
Whose people aren’t bad nor are they mean
Now the leaders we have
While they’re the worst that we’ve had
Are hardly the worst this poor world has seen

Let’s turn history’s pages, shall we?

Take the Caesars for example
Why within the first few of them
They had split Gaul into three parts
Fed the Christians to the lions
And burned down the City
And one of ’em
Appointed his own horse Consul of the Empire
That’s like vice president or something
That’s not a very good example, is it?
But wait, here’s one, the Spanish Inquisition
They put people in a terrible position

I don’t even like to think about it
Well, sometimes I like to think about it

Just a few words in defense of our country
Whose time at the top
Could be coming to an end
Now we don’t want their love
And respect at this point is pretty much out of the question
But in times like these
We sure could use a friend

Hitler. Stalin.
Men who need no introduction
King Leopold of Belgium. That’s right.
Everyone thinks he’s so great
Well he owned The Congo
He tore it up too
He took the diamonds, he took the gold
He took the silver
Know what he left them with?
Malaria

A president once said,
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
Now it seems like we’re supposed to be afraid
It’s patriotic in fact and color coded
And what are we supposed to be afraid of?
Why, of being afraid
That’s what terror means, doesn’t it?
That’s what it used to mean

The end of an empire is messy at best
And this empire is ending
Like all the rest
Like the Spanish Armada adrift on the sea
We’re adrift in the land of the brave
And the home of the free
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.


(Courtesy of and thanks to Stereogum)

Michael Dukakis, I Surely Do Miss You

Yo, Duke:
If you're ever in NYC and want to grab a beverage, do let me know.

DUNZO! Joss Whedon and Wonder Woman Part Ways

Some brief thoughts on the Joss Whedon / Wonder Woman divorce can be found here, over yonder on my Oomph blog.

Please, Sir: Buy me a Robotic Baby Seal!