New York Shitty - Tonight at Ochi's

I'm doing a (rare for me) real live comedy gig tonight! It's New York Shitty -- funny ha-ha stories about NY kicking one's ass. Here's the scoop:

Brother and sister Eliot and Ilana regale you with stories and anecdotes about New York kicking your ass. Perfect way to end Tax Day.

Featuring the lovely and talented...

Bex Schwartz (c'est moi!)
Heather Fink
Harry Terjanian
Melanie Hamlett

Ochi's Lounge (Below Comix) 353 West 14th, 9pm, April 15th (income tax day, your favorite).

Magical Martial Arts

Just take 3 deep, you guys. Take 3 deep.

I want to be the Hold Steady

I don't want to be in the band, per se, I just want to be them. Apologies for the non-posting as of late -- I moved and I'm busy. But if you want to be in my head with me, just listen to The Hold Steady's entire catalogue on repeat.

Tears of a Clown

Once upon a time, I was in an episode of NOVA ScienceNow about mirror neurons. They showed us sad movies and we cried and they filmed it, to show how people react similarly when experiencing other people's emotions -- eg, in Terms of Endearment, when Shirley MacClaine is weeping and shrieking about giving her daughter the shot, the viewer's brian mirrors that emotion and the viewer cries. Or, at least, I cry. I cry a lot at movies. And tv shows. And occasionally commercials. And when listening to certain songs. And when thinking about certain things.

Anyway. I was in this thing a million years ago and blogged about it and promptly forgot about it until someone on facebook wrote on my wall that he had seen the Mirror Neurons video in his biopsychology class. So, therefore, perhaps I am mildly almost semi quasi famous for crying in a video about mirror neurons that is now shown in biopsychology classes.

Watch me cry, around the :40 mark, and then again a few seconds later.

Spring Street = My Life Would Suck Without You

Ladies and gentlemen, I could be crazy, but isn't Kelly Clarkson's new song "My Life Would Suck Without You" actually the same tune as Dar Williams' "Spring Street?"

Call me crazy.


versus:

We spotted a SEX TOY on the news

During the 10pm CW (WPIX) news (it was on after Top Model, okay?), during a story titled "Troublesome Trannies" about teenaged transvestites robbing women at a luxury apartment building and using the loot to buy "feminine objects" like wigs and stockings, we spotted a sex toy:

Behold: the wild cat! (title of webpage NSFW).

Extreme Close-up!

HOORAY FOR LOCAL NEWS, HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY.

Must-See Monday TV

Oh boy, Monday morning is a must-see tv doozie-a-rama.

First -- if you're like me, you straighten your hair and put on eye makeup every morning in front of your mirror, standing in front of your happy sunlamp and watching the Today show on NBC. And if you're also like me, you are usually running late for work unless you have a shoot, but luckily it only takes you 18 minutes to get to work, so you get to watch a bit of the most awesome hour of television, the infamous "4th Hour of Today with Hoda and Kathie Lee." Seriously, there is nothing better than starting your day with the everpatient Hodawoman and the consistently loopy-and-loopier Kathie Lee. I love them so much I want to put a ring on them. And, in the most kickawesome news ever, this Monday, February 23rd will feature a combo more delicious than even chocolate and peanut butter (creamy; I can't eat nuts). More tasty than a grilled soy cheese on sourdough! More yummytastic than a salad of arugula, tempeh bacon and fuji apples! Kathie Lee and Hodawoman PLUS the awesomeness of Jon Friedman and his book, Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped, and Canceled.

And secondly -- after I DVR and/or watch live Jon on the Today Show, right after the 4th Hour of Today, I will be DVR'ing Martha Stewart's episode dedicated to all thing twentieth-century-aspirin.

Must-see-TV! A programming block of wonderment!

(edited to add a photo of Jon Friedman's name on my tv, taken by my new cameraphone blackberry. Hot cha!)

Jeff Probst, Survivor

Is this weird? This never struck me as being weird before, but then I saw this Jeff Probst / Black History Month promo and at the end, there's a sort of sepia-toned endpage and Jeff Probst is standing there in a black sweater, and he is chyron'ed as "Jeff Probst, Survivor." And for like three seconds, my brain was like "What did Jeff Probst survive? Was it cancer? Did he have prostate cancer?" and it took a little while for me to realize that he wasn't a survivor of anything, he just hosted it. But still! When you typically see someone with the word "Survivor" chyron'ed beneath them, they are typically (fill-in-the-blanks) survivors! Breast Cancer Survivor! Hurricane Katrina Survivor! Traumatic Event Survivor!

CBS confused me! Tricksy, tricksy CBS! Manipulating me into loving Jeff Probst EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO.

Or maybe I am just very tired.

MEDIA ALERT - Spend your Valentine's Night with Me

Friends. Two, count them, two hours of "40 Most Shocking Celebrity Divorces" (featuring me!) premieres tonight on VH1 from 9-11pm. Set your tivo/divo now (or catch a repeat). I'm wearing my Obama-Riding-A-Unicorn shirt in the show, so cherish the Inauguration Day memories while you can.

Heartbreak Show! This Thursday, 2/12! 7pm! The Slipper Room

(my name is not on the postcard cut don't let that confuse you).

VERY OFFICIAL BLURB:

The Heartbreak Show
February 12 @ 7pm
Slipper Room
167 Orchard St
New York
(212) 253-7246
$10

"6 Strangers tell their tales of love and woe, 3 Celebrity Judges judge them harshly, one drunken host tries to keep it together while she sings and chit chats about her own love gone wrong while the audience votes who is The Number One Heartbreaker, Dreammaker, Love Taker, Don’t You Mess Around With Them.

Join Susannah “The Goddess” Perlman and her most trusted announcer, Mister Confusion (AKA Paulie Confusion) and la showgirl de jour Darlinda Just Darlinda for her 2nd annual Heartbreak Show to make your Valentine’s Day Weekend a little bit more tolerable. Listen as Jeff Glasse, Abbi Crutchfield, Dan Allen, Becky Ciletti, Bex Schwartz & H. Alan Scott attempt to melt hearts. Will they move judges Noah Tarnow, Ophira Eisenberg, Angry Bob and Carmen Mofongo (fresh out of retirement but not out of hats) to tears or get a collective eye roll? Give the lovelorn contestants the violin strings or tell them to give you a break as they compete for the title as the ultimate Heartbreaker or Heartbroken in night of Cabaret meets Game Show meets the Broken Heart.

If you like a good story and need to commiserate your own broken heart COME ON DOWN & You can win prizes from rocking LES businesses such as Babeland & Demask."

Tweeting the Grammys

I was half-watching the Grammys (occupational hazard). And I was tweeting. So is here is my observational humor about the Grammys, which probably only make sense in realtime. Realtime like 24!

# when did Robert Plant turn into Billy Connolly?

# John Mayer's "rock face" plus haircut makes him look like a monchichi.

# Oddly enough, watching Neil Diamond perform "Sweet Caroline" at the 2009 grammys fills me the same giddy glee as Obama winning the election

# When Gwynnie introduced Radiohead, I felt like I was watching her cuckold her husband. about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry

# Bass. I meant bass. with Paul McCartney. Who was that?

# who was playing guitar with Sir Paul? It is on the tip of my brain.

# Bono! No sunglasses! First time in ten years! Guyliner! Eeks!

Just in case you wanted to know.

Just To Cap Off all the Joey Cramer Excitement Around These Here Parts

Just to refresh your mindhead as to why it's so momentous that we found Joey Cramer, here is the trailer that ought to serve as F.o.t.N 101.


And ... scene!

Is this Going To Be Forever?

Friends, who amongst us hasn't experienced exactly what little David is feeling (after, apparently, a visit to the dentist for some minor oral surgery?)? 3D Stereo Trouble, indeed.


(Thanks to DMP for the link).

If We Were Evil, We Would Now Stalk Joey Cramer, But For Now We Will Admire Him From Afar And Discuss Our Next Move

Okay! So! Eagle-eyed reader "Karl S." did even more additional research and points out that the logo on Joey Kramer's shirt in this photo very clearly matches the logo for one of the sporting-goods stores Team Joey Cramers discovered in Sechelt, called "Source for Sports." (Hooray for cross-referencing.)

See?


So now we know where he works. Should we write him a letter and include something for him to sign? Should we email the store? Should we ... eeps, call the store and ask to speak to him?

NO. NO. NO.
We shall not bother Joey Cramer. We are just so happy to know he's alive and ostensibly well. Perhaps we will someday gather the nerve to write him a fan letter and beg him to return to acting, perhaps in Flight of the Navigator 2: The New Batch.

But perhaps Joey himself might be pleased to know that we are so thrilled to have discovered him! But, we shall not bother Joey Cramer. Not until the moment is right.

UPDATE! Joey Cramer ... FOUND AT LAST!

Wowie wow wow wow! Despite suffering from a terrible sinus thing, today is the BEST DAY EVER because I've received breaking news on my most-commented-on-ever post "Help Us Find Joey Cramer?" For years, my readers and I have been wondering whatever happened to adorable little Joey Cramer, star of the most excellent "Flight of the Navigator." And apparently, he's been FOUND!

Reader Mobius01, aka "Karl S.," linked us to a an answerbag post entitled "Where is Joey Cramer?" On that site, one "Gordo" reveals that Joey "is working in a sporting goods store in Sechelt in B.C (on the Sunshine Coast)." He even provides a photo! Eagle-eyed readers will spot that the fan in the photo is holding a VHS of none other than "Flight of the Navigator." Is this really him? Let's do a quick side by side comparison:

Survey says ... yes? The fact that he's wearing a red shirts seems to help a bit.

Further research reveals that there are three sporting good store in Sechelt, British Columbia: Off The Edge Adventure Sports Ltd , Rivers Edge Sport Fishing Outfitters and Source For Sports. Constant readers in the great sleeping giant to my north (aka Canada,) any future research would be most welcomed. Joey is still, as always, invited to do a guest-post on this blog.

Hooray for Joey Cramer, hooray hooray hooray!

A Blast from the Very Past

Oh man, long ago, back in 2001, a few scant weeks before those towers came down, when I was sort of eating-disordery and there was nothing at all to worry about in the world, the Saint Reverend Jen and I appeared on an episode of Peter Bernard's show "Rools Like Ozzy" to promote Rev's show that I was directing, and we also discussed the amazing moment when we encountered Giuliani and accosted him about the unjust cabaret laws in NYC, because, back then (and now), Dance is Not a Crime.

Look - unfortunate fashion, hairstyle and makeup choices from back in 2001 are also not a crime, okay? So power up that way-back machine and take a gander.

DO THE VEGA-BOOGIE

No, seriously, you ought to do it now.

Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to

They keep playing that song on tv, but all I can ever think of is "Hail to the Chief, He's the One We All say "Hail" to ..." Oh, "Dave," you are the mightiest of presidential earworm providers.

Oh happiest of happy days. So happy, in fact, that I shall share this photo with you:


This morning, I shot a show for the VH1 that will air sometime in the near(ish) future. To mark the awesomeness of today, I wore my most awesome shirt ever -- Obama Riding a Unicorn. It is the greatest shirt in the whole multiverse. Chris Bishop should be hailed, not as a Chief, per se, but as the best t-shirt designer ever. (Because prior to designing Obama Riding a Unicorn, he also designed "Afternoon Delight" featuring two humping unicorns in front of a rainbow, which used to be my favorite tee-shirt until I got the Obama Riding a Unicorn tee-shirt, which is now, of course, my very most favorite).

So, this is me! Post-shoot! Wearing my Obama Riding a Unicorn shirt. Happy Best January 20th ever.

Suddenly, Everything Makes So Much More Sense

Remember when Sue Simmons dropped the F-bomb on the teevee?

Suddenly, it all makes so much more sense:


The missing link!! Suddenly everything makes so much more sense!!! If I saw a polar bear dancing on a couch, with such supreme dance moves, I would react in the exact same way as Sue Simmons! I feel like the world shifted on its axis and then wobbled back into its typical position, at the exact same moment that I watched this for the first time.

Thank goodness for Jon Friedman and his amazing abilities to set everything straight.

All I want for Xmas is Jews

To all the goyim who love the yids ...