Friday, October 14, 2011
Bear Skin Condoms
I have a TV tuned to vh1 in my office but I normally don't turn up the volume. But I had it on quietly in the background while I was writing a script. And there was a commercial for a new type of Trojan condoms. And I kept hearing the words "bear skin condoms."
Here, let me transcribe this spot for you:
v/o: (singing) Trojan Man!
v/o: Here in our labs, we're developing the latest in pleasure innovation! Bringing couples closer ... than ever before.
v/o: Trojan bear skin condoms! They're an amazing 40% thinner than our standard condoms!
v/o: For an irresistibly close experience!
annc: Trojan Bear Skin condoms. America's number one most trusted condom brand. Can't wait to get it on.
couple: Thanks, Trojan Man!
v/o: My pleasure.
And I was like: that is weird? To make condoms out of bear skin? I mean, I guess, I know there are sheepskin condoms for people who are allergic to latex? And the idea of that always felt sort of gross to me. I don't even wear leather. So I wouldn't want sheep skin inside of my vagina. It would be un-vegetarian and also sort of gross. So I kept on working.
And then the commercial came on again but I didn't look up and just sort of half-listened to it. So then I was like -- is bear skin super spermicidal? Does it prevent disease? And then I was like -- what if I ever have sex again and the dude is like "Hey, baby, I've got this new bear skin condom. It is 40% thinner than a typical condom! It will bring us closer together!"
And then I was thinking about what I would say and if I'd have to play the vegetarian card ("Even my wallet is vegan!") and how that argument would go ("But you're not eating bear skin, it will just be inside of your vagina") and I sort of spent way too long trying to come up with an argument against using a bear skin condom because if it really does feel that much better with bear skin, than maybe it would maybe be okay?
So then I decided to look up the bear skin condoms to see if there were reviews of them and if people were like "YES. Use the bear skin condoms. They are amazing! GROWL!" or if people were making bear skin puns like "Perfect for letting a man into your honeypot" or whatever.
And so. Oh.