EVERYONE GETS MARRIED

Do you want to get married?

(Not to me, per se. To the person you love).

If you want to get married, especially once it becomes legal for EVERYPERSON TO GET MARRIED in NYC, I have the power to wed you. Here, in my fingertips. For I am an ordained minister with the ULC, and I am legally registered with the City of New York as a wedding officiant.

You just need to be very much in love and excited about getting married, and then you'll just need to get a marriage license. I will do whatever sort of ceremony you'd like. (You want some Hebrew? Sure thing. You want an original song parody about your relationship? I can do that, too. You want the whole thing to rhyme? SURE THING. You want it to be Star Wars themed? OKAY! You'd like your wedding to be all interfaithedly atheistic? GOOD THING, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL. You'd like to enter the ceremony riding an elephant? YOU WILL NEED TO FIND THAT ELEPHANT.)

The point being: if you want to get married, I will ordain your wedding. I will sign your marriage license with my very special New York City wedding officiant information and then I will send your license to the city clerk and they will process it, and then you will be all married and shit like that.