Okay, so today is a poopy workday and I thought I'd take a 4-minute break and refresh myself by perusing Thinkgeek, which usually makes me feel a little bit better and also makes me want a clock that keeps time in binary, but today I found the most lovely thing: a moon in a jar!
So then I was like "a moon in a jar! Why is that so familiar?"
And then I found myself singing "Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, and be better off than you are, or would you rather be on Earth?"
And then I was like, "What the frak is that from?" And then the little man in my brain somehow dredged up a long-forgotten memory of a sitcom that maybe aired after "Small Wonder" and featured a girl who was an alien and had special powers and could freeze time. At first, I thought I was only remembering some sort of cherished childhood dream, until I realized it ACTUALLY was a tv show, and it was called "Out of This World."
It's a REAL SHOW! And Scott Baio directed 11 episodes!
But then I was like, "Wait, isn't this an actual real oldsy-timesy song, like from before it was about 'would you rather be on Earth?" So I looked it up. And it's a Bing Crosby song from the 40s aaaaand ... it is SUCH A MEAN SONG!!!!
This entire song is so anti-mule! (and also anti-pig and anti-fish). The whole thing is asking you,
"Would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule?" (or pig, or fish).
So, wait just a goll-darn minute. Why is this song so mule-ist and piggist and fishist? Why couldn't a mule swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar? The mule would just need a mule-shaped spacesuit, the exact same thing a human would need if she were to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. Same thing for the pig. And the fish, well, the fish would have it best of all! He could stay happily in his waterbowl (as long as the fishbowl is safely enclosed), and would just need a robotic arm for carrying home the moonbeams home in a jar. So I just don't get it. Why is it an either/or situation? I would like to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar, but I'm quite sure I could accomplish both activities were I a mule. Why has no one ever attacked this song before for being so needlessly cruel to mules? A mule should be able to grow up believing it can be anything it wants to be, except maybe a mule-mommy, although apparently some mules are fertile (contrary to popular belief).
So, what I'm saying is, be nice to mules. They have such velvety-soft noses. Look. Here is a photo of me feeding one. That is my patented feeding-the-mule face. It is copyrighted and everything.