"Good Bear Joke"

I spent the entire weekend lying in bed because my brain was exploding out of my face. Seriously. I was half convinced — well, more than half — that there were alien eggs erupting out of my sinus cavities. My kitty was so confused why I was lying in bed all weekend long making whimpering noises, instead of doing Disco Abs or whatever else I normally do on the weekends. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. Like, the sort of pain where you’re sure it will be like that forever. It’s not like when you break your big toe (which I have done) and it  hurts like a motherfucker, but your brain can still function. When you have a combo migraine/sinus infection and there are auras around everything (especially the cat, who makes “mep” noises all the time) and it hurts to think or even to open one’s eyes, your brain stops functioning. Thusly. Apparently, at 4am last night, I wrote a joke in my pain-induced delirium and emailed it to my work email address, because I am just that awesome. Would you like to read it? Of course you would.

subject: good bear joke
Bear walks into a bar, and says “Hi, I’m a bear and my name is Nate.” Bartender says “Hi, Bear Nate!” and the bear instantly curls into a ball and goes to sleep.

That is some FANCYPANTS delirious humorjoking there, my friends.

Dear Snow

Dear Snow!

It is ten minutes after midnight here in the Spain and I am supposed to wake up in 6 hours to take the train to the airport (aereporto, maybe, I don't know, I don't speak this language) and I understand you are battering the Northeast, so here is my request: If you are going to snow real fucking hard, please snow REAL FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW so that Delta will know waaaaay in advance that we cannot possibly land at JFK at 12:35pm so they'll Flight Notification me and then I can sleep later than 6am and spend more time walking around the city (despite the re-broken toe thing that happens whenever I travel and walk around for 8 hours a day) rather than spending the entire day at the airport.

Alternately: don't snow at all! And then I can just get on my flight!

But if you are going to Bitch Snow, please Bitch Snow the fuck out of right now so that the airline can call an audible (that is a sports term, right?) and let me know very soon that my flight will be delayed because spending the day in the airport, which is filled with ham, will like totes fer sure harsh my mellow. Also, circling NYC, if there is a lot of Bitch Snow, will make me anxious like in that Die Hard movie when Bonnie Bedelia knows they have been circling for too long and is worried they will run out of fuel. I would not even get Alan Rickman in trouble, would that were the case.

thank you!

your friend,

bex
 

A Visual History of the Starbucks Logo

My boss and I were just discussing the song. I learned it from a friend who went to Reform Jewcamp where they were allowed to sing in English (at my more serious  Jewcamp, we were only allowed to sing in Hebrew. HARDFUCKINGCORE) about 25 years ago and I haven't thought about this song since then, and yet I still know all the words. And so should you.

Wherever you go there's always someone Jewish
You're never alone when you say you're a Jew
So when you're not home
And you're somewhere kind of 'newish'
The odds are--don't look far--
'Cause they're Jewish, too.

 It would be nice if everytime I felt alone, I was just like "YO, I'M A JEW!" and suddenly my apartment would be filled with friends, like in that story about the guy with the magical table and he says "Little table, get set!" and suddenly his table is magically filled with dishes and food. I guess I'd need to be more like "YO, I'M A CULTURAL JEW BUT I AM ACTUALLY AN ATHEIST ALTHOUGH LOOK AT MY NOSE AND HOW I TALK WITH MY HANDS AND ALSO I AM SO LOUD" to be more truthful. Anyhoo.

NEW KITTY!

New kitty in his natural habitat on top of the kitchen cabinets.

Seasons Tweetings

Would that my mother were still alive, the fact that Loehmann’s tweeted at me would make her absolutely kvell.

A Wiener Dog Wearing a Sweater

Look who walked into my edit! A wiener dog wearing a sweater! Here I am, just hanging out with a wiener dog wearing a sweater!

Fucking With Facebook

I am interested in activities! And my activities include interests!

(Facebook fuckery for Josh, who refuses to join the damn thing).

Gasp

Can't breathe!

(via)

Comedy Show! Tonight!

 Come watch me do comedic things, and I promise I will wear my bear hat!

Tonight! It's the Totally Jewy Family Hour Hannukah Party! At 8pm, but it'll totally start late (Jewish Standard Time!)

Your favorite shiksa aunt, Sara Benincasa,  co-hosts a night of Hebraic revelry with Uncle Ben Lerman!

Featuring...
Glennis McMurray
Eliot and Ilana Glazer
Heather Gold
Amy Beckerman
Bex Schwartz

FREE treats for Hannukah! FREE admission!
Luca Lounge
222 Avenue B (between 13th and 14th)

New York, NY

DREAM JOB

Stringer Shanghai / Reuters

A researcher dressed in a panda costume puts a panda cub into a box before its physical examination at the Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve, Sichuan province, Dec. 3. The 4-month old cub, the first in the centre to be trained for reintroduction into the wild, is monitored by hidden cameras. Researchers performing physical examinations on the cub wear panda costumes to ensure that the cub's environment is devoid of human influence, according to local media.

You guys! I found my dream job! Or rather, Noahsam found it for me!

Can you imagine? I'd get to spend my days dressed like a giant panda, hugging little baby pandas and putting them into boxes!

I feel like I have something to aspire to, all of a sudden.

But Captain Trips Will Get You High Tonight

I love everything about this story, mostly about how everyone on facebook posted a link to that HORRIBLE gizmodo article like "OMG ALIEN LIFE, WOW" as opposed to grokking that what this discovery means is that bacteria in an arsenic-filled lake are able to replace phosphorous with arsenic, which means that maybe life on other planets could exist with arsenic instead of phosphorus, which means we should be looking for arsenic on top of HONC and sulfur and phosphorus when we are looking for alien friends out there.

What I am GREATLY LOOKING FORWARD TO is the annoucement that DARPA has already weaponized arsenic-y bacteria and that the resulting biological weapon not only turns you in a zombie but also kills everyone first with Captain Trips.

Vegemitey

DANCE REMIX (of @joshfrench trying vegemite for the first time in Australia) from starbex on Vimeo.


Best Friend Josh went to Australia to go to Nerd Camp and they made him eat Vegemite and filmed the experience. And so, clearly, someone had to go make a dance remix. And that someone, as per usual, is me.

HUG A PANDA.

This is me, all the time. Just a baby panda, looking for a hug.


source!

That's The Very Reverend To You

Continental Airlines sends me as emails as a woman of the cloth. Somehow, I won something at life.

Dance Central Promo! (it will blast your socks off!)

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

I wrote/directed this promo for Dance Central. You can view this version and the alt cut at this superspecial page right here! I am super thrilled with these spots! The game is so much fun and so delightful and I love it so much.

It stars many awesome people from New York City / The Internets. People such as:
Carolyn Castiglia
Tyler Coates
Jessica Delfino
Ron Dizon
Ilana Glazer
Lucas Hazlett
Sergio Mejia
Heather Mingo
Paul Wielunski
Keisha Zollar

I do not know why the freezeframe is Tyler Coates (making his patented “confused face”), but I am thrilled to the gills that it is.

Drink Me

This is real and DEEEElightful. I’m going to a BYOB birfday dinner tonight and I would very much like to BYO-me. But according to their distributors list, the only people in NY who carry it are based, oddly enough, in my hometown of Glen Rock, NJ. This is very confusing to my head.

Other awesome things that happened on 9/20

NO BIG DEAL AT ALL, but the shark was officially jumped on MY BIRTHDAY.

source!

Timothy! Timothy! Joe Was Looking At You

So now that the Chilean miners are totally free and running marathons and being kickawesome on Letterman, I must share that I had to physically refrain from blogging about the song "Timothy" by the Buoys throughout the length of their ordeal. But now it is fine to make jokes about how the people in the song who were trapped in the mine eat each other in order to survive and then write a peppy pop song  about it! Indulge yourself in these glorious lyrics:

Trapped in a mine that had caved in
And everyone knows the only ones left
Were Joe and me and Tim
When they broke through to pull us free
The only ones left to tell the tale
Were Joe and me

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go?
Timothy, Timothy, God why don't I know?

Hungry as hell no food to eat
And Joe said that he would sell his soul
For just a piece of meat
Water enough to drink for two
And Joe said to me, "I'll have a swig
And then there's some for you."

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?

I must have blacked out just around then
'Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Timothy
Timothy...

And this song came up on my ipod today while I was running so I figured it was kismet and it was time for sharing. With my stomach as full as it could be (full of ... TIMOTHY!)